The Night Before

The Night Before, 11.16.13

Dear Levi,

It’s been awhile.

A while since I’ve been able to think, to breath, to function. You took me down hard, baby. The way you looked at me at church? I thought we had set up safe zones. Your side, my side. Your friends, my friends. I knew I wasn’t welcome to cross into your zone, and I tried to respect that and stay as far away as possible. But you had always been gracious enough to honor mine as well. At least, I thought so. It never occurred to me that you might change it up.

Not like it wasn’t bliss, seeing you that close again. A torturous bliss, like a delicious, devouring flame kissing a rose and instantly melting the delicate petals with its scorching breath. To see you that close, to see the color of your eyes, to see the exact what your hair stood up, to see the shape of your shoulders again.

It just shocked me, is all. I’m not good with surprises. Given a little time, a little forewarning, and I can handle pretty much the worse kind of pain. Like when you took Anna to the banquet. It was just going on Mandii’s group that floored me. And knowing you’re with her at church, I can pace myself, I can brace my heart, I can cope. But seeing you on my side?

Why?

I guess it’s the unknown that knocks me down. I couldn’t predict it, and I had absolutely no warning. That one minute I would be walking on measured steps of fire, and the next I’d literally be thrust into the throat of the furnace. What made you do it? I wish I knew. I wish I had any clue about you anymore, but I don’t. I’m floating in a free fall now, nothing to grasp at.

I’m sorry. I reacted badly.

The way you looked at me. Coming around the corner, and then seeing you there, so close. I felt like a baby deer suddenly staring up at a farmer. I had no time to make sure my clothes were neatly aligned, no time to arrange a smooth, safe expression on my face. I’m so sorry. I don’t want you to see me off guard. The pain, the longing, the shock.

If it weren’t for seeing you so close… like maybe, if the balcony had been crowded and I’d seen you two coming my way looking for a seat? But… it was the shock of running into you and then… the look.

That look. How shall I ever forget it? From my curls to my boots. It’s like you summed up the best I had to offer and… coolly disregarded it. You turned away with the look that summed me up, once again, as less than adequate. Less than desireable. Dismissed. Rejected. Voided.

I felt like my soul had just died.

I hope you didn’t think I was running away. Kate Walley had texted me before the service and invited me to sit with her. I was just coming to tell Bailey we should all move. But I couldn’t think anymore. I tried not to wonder if you were watching me as I walked unsteadily to my pew, because I knew you wouldn’t be. You would be looking at Anna.

And as much as I wanted to know I was in your line of sight during church… I couldn’t do this. Not so unprepared. So I took my out, I took Kate’s invitation as an escape from God. And I went downstairs. I didn’t look at you as I passed by. And I knew that you wouldn’t be looking at me. I tried to keep my chin up, a smile on my face. But I could feel my lips trembling and my lungs were ready to burst.

I made it to choir and paced back and forth, gripping my rib cage. I made it through the special, and tried to be beautiful for you. In the end, my soul just cried out to God.

God, help!

I walked down from choir… and out the door. I found a pillar along the back of the church and crumpled there, sobbing hysterically. Not out of anger but out of… greif. Heart wrenching grief, and shock, and heartbreak. I cried, and cried, and cried.

No one came. No one saw. No one will ever know. Just me, and God… and maybe someday, when so much time has passed that it will no longer even matter… maybe somday, you. But too late, then.

I cried until my heart was quiet. And I know God was sheilding me with his wings. I cried and begged him for his glass. For the flute on my lantern, my tortured, quivering little flame. And I know he heard me. He soothed my soul with the calm aloe of the Holy Spirit and enwrapped me in the safe haven of his wings. When my eyes were dry, and my nose even wetter than ever, I walked weakly back inside and took my place by Kate.

The sermon was good, but… I was flattened. Like a roadkill, completely demolished by a semi truck in transit. After church, I drove to South Grand Boulevard. The prayer… it was so unintelligable. All I could feel was my worthlessness. To Andrea, to Brad, to the Naval Academy.. to Levi.

When I drove home, my mind was numb, dull, sick. It took days. Days of not seeing. Not feeling. Not breathing. Days to find my feet, to find my strength. I took the time to just breathe. Just feel God’s arms supporting me for a while. I had run my hardest, but there is a time to stop running and just rest in God’s haven. All week, life passed in a black and white blur. Without sound, without meaning, without reality. Like a broken record player, my mind skipped round and round that look you gave me. That dismissal, the rejection, the summation of my worthlessness to you. I’d been trying so hard to live up to you, in any little way. Whether by beauty, or faithfulness, or service. In that moment when you looked at me, Levi, I felt everything crumble.

It was one of the hardest moments of the autumn.

Made worse, but knowing that our anniversary was coming up. Saturday night came, and I spent hours in prayer. Reading my Bible.. resting up… seeking God. How do you face such a day? Amazingly enough…

…all I felt was gratitude.

This humbling, tear-forming graditude. Maybe it was the look you gave me, exentuating my worthelsssness. That made the glowing time of your devotion that much more… humbling? It’s awe-inspiring to me. To think, that you once found in me some measure of merit. That you once valued me as something to be cherished, to be strived for and fought for and worked for… like a beautiful, wistful dream.

And I looked back on that day a year ago and all I can feel is gratefulness. Heartbreaking gratitude and thankfulness. In the same way that you once loved me, is how God loves me know. And I am so glad that He loves me. I couldn’t lose you both.

I prayed, that God would know what tomorrow would hold. I thanked him for giving me a chance, and I prayed he would forgive me for messing it all up. I hope that someday, I can say the same thing to you.

Thank you, Levi…. For the chance. For trusting me with your heart. With your dreams, with your precious, unbelievably precious soul. I will never deserve it. And I am so, so sorry; from the bottom of my soul, eternally sorry… for how I failed you.

If you find an occasion to ever think on that day, I hope that you remember the love. That you remember the good. Because there were some unfortunate circumstances around that day.. but I can’t remember them. They are gone. They never mattered, really. All that mattered, all that lives through in my heart, is the good… your love.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

God, help me face tomorrow with grace that pleases you. If it is your will to entwine our lives, give me the kind of love that holds on and never lets go. If you want his path to be forever apart, then give me the kind of love that can let go.

Your star,

Rigel