In My Pew

Dear Levi,

12.22.13

You didn't leave!!! You're here!!! Oh, the joy that shot straight to my toes when I saw you on Sunday. I was so shocked. I'd even scanned the parking lot in habit and sighed quietly when I noted Santana's prominent absence. But there you were.... I saw you when I was in choir, singing away Christmas carols. And you were in the balcony, in such clear sight. Only ten people up there. The shock was that you were on my side... in my pew... where I always sit.
I was so confused.
Why?
Why would you sit there?
Without Anna. You must have sent her home, like you sent me home last Christmas. I ached to see you all alone.
By why there? Why not sit where you sit with her? Or down with friends?
I was so confused I could barely think straight. Maybe he hadn't known I would be here. Maybe he was trying to tell me something. Maybe he missed me too, in the way that my soul misses him so much.
Maybe....
Maybe....
maybe it is just nothing, and my imagination is ridiculous.
All I know is how happy, and sad, and confused I felt all at the same time.
I wanted to run up to you and throw my arms around you and whisper, "Merry Christmas, little Levi."
The past months didn't matter. I love you so much.

You disappeared after church. And I spent the afternoon finishing up my last minute shopping in Norman and driving into the country to walk along the pastures with their broken glass strewn ice capsules, relishing in the beauty of the ice storm.

I was anxious about what I would do that night. Should I sit in my pew? Or would you be headed there? Should I sit downstairs? What would be best? What would make you happy?
I decided to be safe and keep with the plans I'd made before I knew you were in town. I would sit downstairs with Kate.
In choir, I looked up at the balcony for you but you weren't there. Keen disappointed shot through me. Where are you, my sweet prince? My prince with caramel eyes...
It was during the choir special when I caught your gaze.
You, looking at me.
I'm so sure of it, as you quickly looked away. I did, too. I didn't want to hurt you or scare you. But my heart missed a beat and then sped up like a runaway horse.
Levi, sitting downstairs in the deaf section with Charlie, his old friend. Levi, looking at me. Levi, without Anna.
It was too good to be true. I could have exploded with joy.
But part of me knew it wasn't going to last. And it wasn't what my heart wanted it so badly to be.
As I drove home, I sang Christmas carols with the station you had set my radio to last holiday season. And I drove to our park, and I prayed. I prayed for you. I prayed for me. I prayed for this year.

Your star,
Rigel