Angel Hair

Angel Hair, 11.17.13

Far away from the world of greif is a breif repreive where I sometimes enjoy a few blissful moments of existence. One such moment was Sunday afternoon, the day of our one year anniversary, thanks to Bailey’s insistent scheming.

She offered to call the whole event off, once she heard about my car tragedy. But I was too stubborn to let Satan throw off a chance to be a blessing to my Washington girls, and I was worried what I would do if left alone to wander through the city like a lost puppy. But while I waited for her to finish her bus route, I decided to drive to Shake & Steak for a milkshake. The stress does weird things to me, and I was craving a shake like a pregnant lady.

So I drove to Steak and Shake and spent money I didn’t have on a shake and, since I was looking at a board all about food, a bowl of chili I wasn’t wanting in the first place. But then I called my dad and spent forever listening to his instructions on how to call the police, and how to file insurance claims. Honestly, it was all a bit overwhelming. What happened to the nostaligic day reminiscing my courtship with Levi? Reality was crowding in a bit too much. What a bummer.

So I decided since the weather was so, so, deliciously balmy, I would camp out on the hood of my car on campus and bask in some sunlight while waiting for Bailey. It seemed like an okay plan. Campus was as safe a place as any in the city to get some Vitamin K on my own. So I headed that was with a scrumptuous peppermint chocolate chip shake in my cup holder.

At the turn for campus, the car facing the opposite way caught my attention. Black, four door, nodescripit. A guy would know what it was, I was clueless. And thanks to my ridiculously lousy vision, I have no idea who the driver was or the passengers in the back. But the passenger in the shot gun seat caught my attention.

Funny, that looks like Levi.

I turned and drove slowly onto campus, waving at the guard and relieved when he didn’t stop me to ask for ID. Ever since my heartland tag was turned in, I’ve felt weird pulling onto campus, just waiting for the day the security guard decided to step up a little. So far, so lucky.

The black car tailed along pretty closely as I drove contentedly towards the new dorms. The weather was so lovely, I wanted to soak it all in. And, I was expecting a call from the police to take my report. So everything felt a little off.

I pulled far into the parking lot, away from the well-travered invisible pathway leading from the dorms to the caffeteria. I didn’t want passerbyers to hear my conversation with the police. At least, not the part about my Levi box. That was just too humilitating. As I prepared to get out, the black car was hovering near the crosswalk for the new dorms.

Odd.

There weren’t any girls in the car.

And then as I glanced up at it, curious, it dawned on me why I felt like they were watching me. Because… they were. Well, Levi was. Staring at me openly for the first time in months and months, not ducking away or hiding like he might have in Santanna. Maybe he felt brave because of his friends. Or maybe it was the shock of seeing me on campus, where I’m sure he usually feels pretty safe and Noelle-free. He has no idea I’m here every Wednesday afternoon.

Levi.

My Levi, bright and beautiful in white.

So close, and actually looking at me. Looking. At me. As if he’d never set eyes on me before, or as if I was the ugliest person he’d ever seen. Part of it was exhilerating, part of it was deteriorating.

Why should my self esteem pivot so carefully on his opinion of me? Because he is the sun to my galactic orbit, that’s why. But part of my mind rebelled against it. He couldn’t make me feel inferior, or at least make me show it on the outside. In fact, while he was staring at me, he might as well see something.

In my mind… well, it really was going to be perfect. Gorgeous outfit, gorgeous hair, just short the Hollywood glam glasses thanks to the robber. A graceful, catlike exit from the car and the perfect toss of my hair. As I turned my back on him. Ha.

But if my day couldn’t get any worse, it did. I had changed into a shapeless jean skirt and oversized red Tee-shirt from the blood drive. And when I stepped from the car, the bottom of my cup of milkshake broke and the whole thing splattered down the front of my shirt to land in a gruesome blob at my feet.

It all happened slow motion.

I’m sure from his perspective, I couldn’t have looked more pitiful. Boring clothing, clumsy balance, messy food. Probably got a good laugh at my horrified expression and red face.

But before there was any hope of saving the situation, the black car sped off.

I took a deep breath, too shocked to cry.

The phone rang, and it was the police. I hopped up on the hood of my car and squeezed the bridge of my nose and tried to keep my cool. If I just didn’t think about what had just happened, maybe I would be okay.

Levi, I wanted today to be at least as painless as possible. I didn’t expect the present to reach out and compete with the past for pain.

I know God allowed it. All of it. For some bizarre reason. I just don’t understand why.

When Bailey finally came to rescue me, we dragged Pearl down to Lake Overholser and had a few fleeting hours in the sunshine. We ran along the dam looking for turtles, and drove down to the fishing dock to watch the huge, interesting pelicans on the water. Then we spread my sleeping back under the tree in the field where we held my graduation party, and laid down to watch how the field shimmered with the strands of a million miniscule strands of web from a million little field spiders. It was incredible. I’ve never seen anything like it.