3 in 1

Christmas Cantatta 12/8

Levi Wearing My Sweater 12/8

Tears and Home Alone 12/8

Dear Levi,

This is like three letters in one. Today was the Christmas Cantatta/Jubilee. It’s the first year I’ve seen it, since usually they don’t have it until Heartland is already dismissed for Christmas break. But we’ve been working so hard to prepare as a choir, and part of me was so happy that you would be there to hear us, Levi.

It was really quite something. You have no idea how lucky you are to be in America, where they have fine instruments and conducting and vocal talent and lyrics and buildings with such acoustics. As I sang, I thought of being a small child and singing into the snow at night for some version of soundback. Who would have dreamed that I would be here.

I ended up wearing red. Ugly, flamboyant, red. I wore a pretty black pencil skirt and my suede boots and a long black cardigan to help offset the ugly red tank. But even my black lava and pearl necklace didn’t make me feel any better. Ugh, red.

I picked up Lori Withrow at 3pm to take her along since the Heartland choir was practicing, too. Of course, she was floating on cloud nine since becoming “official” with Trevor Heddon at the Chrstmas Banquet. It was easy to make her happy and keep the story going and going to fill the drive. I was so lucky to have her friendship, seeing as how just last semester Trevor hated my guts with all the other WalMart gang. It might have been a stroke of luck, but I relished it. At least one of them was my friend. Tim might have been coming that way, at least that’s what I’d thought when he attacked me that Sunday night at the Hainlines, but apparently not sine he’d kept his distance ever since. Typical.

When I mentioned my car being robbed, and GiGi’s mom’s pearls being taken, Lori was horrified but looked puzzled. “Why did you have them? I mean, you guys aren’t together at all.”

It cut deep. That she had no clue that I still love you today as much as ever before. And that you were the one who walked away… or at least, since we disagree on that point… the one who stayed away. And continues to run away.

It was a hard sermon in church that morning, when I saw you and Anna sitting in my side of the balcony. Why there? But I would never know. Pastor Gaddis was preaching on how to restore a relationship with God and people, and the first priority was forgiveness. Right there in front of the whole church the tears jumped out and I began to weep. Because you’ll never forgive me. And we’ll never have a resotred relationship. You’ve gone too far. We’ll never be okay.

That night, when we sang, and everyone clapped, I spotted Levi and Anna back on their side. And he didn’t clap, but put his arms in his pockets, and that made me so sick. That he loathed me so much.

But even worse… he was wearing a stunning dark purple sweater vest, warm and trendy and gorgeous with the snow weather. And I knew that sweater. I knew the feel of it. I knew the way it would smell on his skin. Because I’d bought it for him, it had been on of the gifts I gave him at the West when we met there alone to make up our relationship in the winter.

It was like I was choking on bile.

My sweater. My sweater. My sweater.

As he sat there, with Anna.

I felt the tears jump and my lips tremble again, for the second time in public. But I was too stunned this time to break down in tears. I pushed them back into my head and gripped my folder and tried not to think. I told myself, it’s okay. It was a gift.

These are to keep you warm, sweet prince, while my arms are not there to do it.

And he was wearing it with her.

It took me all of my determination to focus my wild panic to the one comfort, at least he was still wearing my stuff. He hadn’t thrown it out. And it was keeping him warm. He was warm… because of me.

Church ended, and everyone began pouring out, like ants boiling from an anthill. And everyone had plans with their roommies, because it is the last week, and everyone was too busy to talk… and I stood there watching them all run about and I felt so, so invisible.

I didn’t even know where Levi and Anna headed off to, they cleared out so fast.I gathered my little binder and looked around. I’d been hoping for Tim, to test those waters, for any sign that God might be doing something. But even he was gone.

I walked outside to my car, sliding and shaking on the ice, and sat inside the darkness and coldness and began to cry. I turned on the engine and let it sit and watched people pour out of church. I saw this little old couple supporting each other over the ice, and I sobbed harder. Because Levi didn’t want to be there for me. Not now, and not when I am old. And that is coming so fast.

I drove to our park, and I sobbed the life out of me.

Then I drove home, because I was parched and wearied and exhausted. And Kendon was at work, now, and I felt scared and alone as I walked inside and quickly bolted the door. The only plus was I could turn up the heat to 85 degrees and actually go to sleep warm fore once. Patrick said hi, and I looked at my little fish, and I missed his dad even more.

I pulled out my Bible and read… and it talked about God giving good gifts to His children. About seeking, knocking… and finding. God, I haven’t found anything. There is nothing except this huge void. This huge nothingness of my existence. And it’s going to kill me. I crawled into bed, facing another double at work tomorrow, and the weariness was out of hand. God, help. I am so alone.

Your star,

Rigel