Quail Springs at Midnight

12.19.13

Dear Levi,

It may have only been by 1.04% but I beat out the other rookies to land Top Rookie for November. Second month on the floor. Second time to take home the plaque and gift card. Shockingly enough, I beat out the entire department for Top Homesaver of the month, landing 80 streamlines, more than double the goal. First runner up was almost twenty applications behind. I was shocked. I knew my dad would be proud... I wanted you to be proud of me, too, Levi.
That night, I played the piano for the nursing home and my hands shook so badly I messed up two songs. But Bro. Don just gave me a tight hug and said it was wonderful. The little old people, so precious to me, were smiling too.
Kate Walley had invited me along to see Hunger Games (yes, again) with Joy and Lindsey. I was reluctant because it was so late at night and so far away and... I had barely spoken to Joy in months. It wasn't her fault. But every time I looked at her, all I can hear is her saying, 'You need to get over him!" and know that she is good, close friends with Anna. That she talked to Anna about me. That she questioned my side of the story of our breakup. I felt so betrayed.
But I ended up wandering the mall for an hour before they showed up to eat in the food court. I couldn't eat anything. My stomach hurt so badly with the memories of our unapproved secret date here that spring. I could still hear his laughter. Feel the panic of being spotted by another Heartland couple.
The movie was good and Joy was kind, if distant. I didn't blame her. She was in the middle of a blossoming romance, and I was the friend who fell apart after she got dumped. I pestered her with questions about her love affair with Nathan, and Joy seemed to open up. She blushed and looked pleased and gushed about how things were going. It was easy to keep the conversation on her and avoid any questions about how I was doing. It always code for, "Have you given up on him and moved on yet?" And everyone knew I seem incapable of doing that.
After the movie, the three girls were laughing on their way to their cars. I felt so invisible, and I'd parked the other direction so I said goodnight and walked off. They barely stopped to say goodbye. As I walked quiet and exhausted through the empty, abandoned mall, I stopped in the center of the food court to just look around.
So many memories.
So many dreams.
So many mistakes.
Levi, I miss you.
I sat down at a table and just looked around. I hoped the security guards wouldn't come by and call my crazy. I just sat there... and stared up at the huge ceiling... and cried. Pale, wordless tears bathing my cheeks. No one to see. No one to care. Just me. Just the emptiness. Just the memories.
I miss you so badly. I hate being here. It hurts so badly, everywhere I go. I don't want to make any other memories than the ones I shared with you here. They aren't good enough.
But you'll never want me again.
I sat there for an hour, alone in the food court of an empty, dark mall.
It felt so final.

Your star,
Rigel