Second Day Sign

Second Day Sign, 10/22/13

Dear Levi,

The car windows were clear again this morning, despite the frosty chill in the air. I could hardly believe it as I carried out my work bag and saw that despite my little faith, God is answering. And I don’t know why, but it was like today, for once, I came out of the deep slow waters and was hit by cool relaity. You left. Your aunt hasn’t spoken to me since June. Even GiGi stopped writing me, months ago now too. There is nothing now. Nothing.

Just a girl walking out to her car and seeing… clear windows.

Why, God?

Are you truly going to bring him back? Or is this just a cruel game? And I think maybe I am too afraid to hope anymore; I just don’t have the faith you could really ever choose to come back to me. Why would you? I was never ever good enough for you from the beginning. When you chose to pursue Nicky right after meeting me… When I learned you were part of the popular Yakima crowd… Even now, you are with so many strange people I feel strange and stranger to youl… I don’t even know anything about you, about them, I am an alien to your new world.

Last night was my first time at the ladies’ LIFT meeting, and Ms. Angie gave an amazing devotional from some book called Feminine Appeal. I took lots of notes. But the whole time, all I could see was my failure with you. All I could feel was the guilt slamming down on my head, just beating away like furious waves against breakwater boulders off the California coast.

She spoke from Titus 2:4-5 on kindness and goodnes.. and the things that can hander that: namely, anger, bitterness, and judging. She had such a convicting approach to how our hearts have anger this is revealed under pressure because we want our own way more than accepting the opportunity to glorify God through kindness in the adverse situation he has allowed… a lot like water sits in a sponge and pours out under any pressure. She spoke of gentleness and kindnes… and my heart just broke. I failed. I failed and what good is it now? You will never, ever give me a second chance. I failed.

She spoke of God’s grace that can continue to work in a situation where we have failed once we cry out ot God in repentence… about planning acts of kindness… but I am at such a loss. I sent you texts, letters, picurres in the snow, my life’s savings towards your final bill, I tried everything I knew and am at a loss. They never moved you. How would I ever get a second chance? And why are the windows clear???

God, help my unbeleif. I love Levi still.

Your star,

Rigel