Club Walmart Elite

Dear Levi,

12.29.2013
You're back from wherever you went for Christmas. And Anna is back, too. So are more and more people as the balcony fills us. I was hoping you would be back and I chose my outfit carefully to fit the new haircut and color in my tresses, soft caramels mixed in with the dark chocolate brown. But if the skinny brown corduroy skirt, ruffled sweater from J Crew, and lace peplum blouse tied in with a gorgeous gold bow belt made me feel confident as I climbed the staircase in my brown lambskin boots tipped in gold, all my self confidence was doomed to be short lived.
In the main service, I was keenly aware of Levi and Anna back together. Of her new haircut and expensive leather coat. Of his soft black sweater vest I used to adore, the one that made him look so gentle and vogue. Sitting closer than six inches. Sharing a hymnal now, and wearing matching green tops. They looked so perfect, so happy, so.... completely like I never existed. Tears bubbled out of my eyes in the choir loft and I fought to hold them back. Bro. Ted's sermon was humorous and I focused on training my face to have a glowing smile.
Don't let them see that they're hurting you. Don't let them see. Don't let them see. They could care less, anyways. Look better than what you feel right now. Dang it, girl, get a grip!
And I struggled within myself all service so that I had headache before it was time to go.
I ran for the door but they were coming down at the exact same time and Levi and Anna and Sarah ran like kids for the mail box and crowded around it with laughter and jest, completely ignoring the dark, silent girl walking by out into the bitter cold. The icy wind wreaked tears from my eyes and clawed them down my face before I got to my car. They have everything, and I have nothing.
And rather than take a nap, I drove to the store and did my shopping. And did laundry. And let the tears fall and fall and fall.
I listened to Say Something by Big Wide World and Aguilera, mesmerized and numbed by the quiet, relentless grief to the song. I listened to it over and over again at the kitchen table, sharing the silence with Patrick, feeling weaker than I'd felt in so long. I just cried, and he swam, and the song played on and on.
At church, I had to be brave again. I had to put on a smile and try to look pretty and put together. It was so cold, and my clothes were very thin. I stayed downstairs with Kate where I would be safe, chatting with my teenagers, Joseph and Andrea. We discussed new years plans and Christmas gifts and the weather.
From my perch in the youth section, I had the unfortunate position of being directly under the landing strip view of Levi and Anna up above, sitting where he and I used to sit for years. It cut so deep. They were huddled together and he was wearing his warm black sweater vest that made him look... so incredibly precious to me. So huggable. I bit back tears. At least he was happy. And he looked so incredibly happy. She must be way better than I ever was.
I was okay to just hang out down here and try not to look up until I saw Tim walk by. He avoided me and headed to the back of the church. I wondered how he was doing. Part of me thought about seeking him out, and explaining him that when I said party on Sunday I had meant celebrate. So he didn't think badly of me. Because I've had as much of that as I can stand.
But the crowd was boisterous, and it was almost time for choir and... I just felt like God was saying no. So I stayed put.
And had the perfect view when Tim walked up to Levi and Anna in the balcony, just above me, and they began to laugh.. talk... mess with their phones... and sit together.
Just like summer.
Just like spring.
Just like when he left me.
I felt a huge, sick stab of shock. Of pain.
Levi, Tim, Anna.
Somewhere on break was Trevor, Sarah, Lori.
The club was back together again. Whole, intact, centered around Levi and his too-perfect girlfriend, Anna. There were so many. Too many. A whole army against me. Just me, just one little Noelle.
I couldn't watch.
I couldn't look away.
I didn't know what to say or what to do. All I felt was betrayal. Tim was talking to Levi again? Just like that? What about his long, too-convincing outburst at the Hainlines? Fixed so easily, so seamlessly?
And Levi, talking to Tim. Inviting him back into the protected little circle of him and Anna. Because he can forgive his aunt, his mom, and Tim. But not me. Never me.
I couldn't watch anymore. I turned and ran to choir, and I forced myself not to think about it. To just breathe. Because I felt panicked, like a deer realizing the meadow is aflame all around it, stunned and no idea which direction to run. Fire all around.
I sat with Kate, but I couldn't sing. My eyes blurred again and again and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop the headache, the way my stomach knotted, how hot and reeling my head was. I was so glad that I was out of everyone's sight, hidden among a crowd of restless teenagers.
What was I to do?
As a year came up, and everything around me melted away. They were grouping back together, that horrible, formidable, elite club of WalMart friends that scared me to death. I couldn't compete. I didn't stand a chance. I was nothing. I'd felt some stance of my own ground when they all split up. relieved, even, able to see maybe an end to the banishment. But now they were back together, and my body couldn't handle the stress. I had to leave in autumn to avoid the reunion of this club, and I was watching it all over again, the very thing I dreaded.
When Bro. Rick began to preach on the judgment of God out of Isaiah 28, I was so distracted. But he captivated me with his precise, relentless presentation. It was as if he knew exactly what was happening tonight. Exactly how hopeless, how alone I felt.
"Do you feel your punishment is greater than the crime?" he presented. I wanted to scream Yes! Why was it me who was alone for so long? And they were just fine, just fine? "God knows that the punishment is not for the outward offense. It's for the heart condition. His chastisement is custom cut to your heart, to what you need. No one is alike. And he won't just two people the same way. But his ways are perfect, and errorless."
Those words... split my heart down the middle. Two people, two decisions. Our breakup. And here Levi had an easy, happy go lucky year surrounded by friends and a new girlfriend instantly and family over the summer... and I had darkness, exile, no one. And I was faced with the reality that God was punishing me so much harder, so much crueler... because I deserved it more. Because I was the stronger Christian, the one who knew more, who was more privileged. Levi was an orphan, a drug baby, all alone in this world with Santana. Why would God punish him with people alone? He had already been through that. But me? I had chosen my path, and God was being relentless, harsh, definite. But that just shows how horrible I must be to him.
It broke me. I sat there and pulled my hair (luckily it's long enough now!) around my face and sobbed and sobbed. Right in the middle of the teenagers who probably were really weirded out.
Bro. Rick was gentle as well as blunt. "God isn't going to let his punishment continue on one second, one second, longer than he knows is right. Not one second."
And I cried. I cried so hard. I would have left, and hid by the pillars outside... but I was locked into the pew. During the invitiation, I didn't want to climb over six people to get out, and I didn't want Levi and Anna and Tim to see. They saw me cry before and didn't care.
And this wasn't about them. This was about God. That he wasn't going to stop. That it wasn't going to end. And the end of the year would come, and go, and my punishment would just continue on. Forever.
I couldn't stop crying. Through the dismissal prayer, and song. People standing up, laughing, collecting their things.
I knew Kate didn't know what to say. She had to look after Andrea, anyways. What was I doing with these teenagers when I was being afflicted by God's wrath, anyways? I was like poison among them.
I took my stuff and clamped my hand on my mouth as I kept sobbing and just walked out.
Pushed past people, not caring, unable to do anything about the tears flooding down my face, ruining my mascara, causing stares.
I fled through the crowd, knocking people out of my way, completely Ukrainian. The rage, the pain, the despair. It flooded me.
I drove away, and I cried. I cried and cried.
The club was back together. And I was alone. And God wasn't ever going to change it. This was my fate.