Davina Calls!

Davina Calls 12/10/13

Dear Levi,

Another day. More bad news everywhere I face. My car key isn’t the problem, it’s the locks themselves. The dealership turned me away and now I face a quote of 295$ to fix the car locks and prohibit my theif from taken advantage of my car again. On top of the 250$ repairs to the engine last week. I just don’t have these kinds of funds. Not after Christmas shopping.

Today I put the boxes for my family in the mail. 130$ later, I was back to calls from mortgagor snapping at me because they’ve run themselves into debt. My own medical debt collectors made a call at some point and left a message, as usual. As usual, I erased it without listening. I simply don’t have funds to do anything yet.

It’s warmed  up outside. The siuation in Ukraine is still uncertain. But my parents are okay so far. God is so good to me. I continue to remain restless and want to be there. Surprisingly, Kayla Mattox was the one who seemed the most concerned and texted me nonstop about it. I was sad to hear the get together at their place was cancelled tonight. I would sit down and write out my Christmas cards instead. I wish was sending you one, too. I already sent one to Davina and Clarence, and GiGi. Yours I’ll tuck into the Levi Box, what’s left of it. Next to the card from our anniversary you’ll never get.

I learned today that Kendon is quitting Heartland without finishing this semester. So much for his plans to be a preacher from when he was young. I don’t know who he is anymore. It makes me so sad. I love my little brother. But I don’t understand him. I don’t’ understand anything anymore. I miss Steven, and Nina. I miss their soothing blanket of love and simplicity. I long to be with them in Ukraine today, sit at the table and play cards, drink cinnamin coffee, and discuss politics. Maybe we’d all go to the square together and join the protestors. Steven would keep us safe. Nina would hold my arm. We’d be together.

Song on the radio today made me cry, out of the blue. Tears gushing down my eyes. What did the other drivers see? A girl randomly crying in the middle of the day? I know it doesn’t make sense. But it’s so hard to carry all the heaviness of my world all lone on my little shoulders. I’m so glad for God’s wings to help me carry the load, but I miss having someone here in my own life to lean on as well. There is no choice but to be as strong as I can be.

After work, I checked my phone and saw a voicemail waiting. But no missed call. Data has been iffy today for my phone with the harsh winter storms going on elsewhere.

Davina Leach.

Aunt Davina. Davina Fowler.

My heart literally froze. I figured it would be in regards to the mass text I sent out yesterday, but how could I be sure? I was so scared. More scared of what it was going to do to my heart. What could she say to hurt me, anyways? She hasn’t spoken to me in six months, not since the tornados. Probably hasn’t received the Christmas card yet, either. I wonder if she knows about my letters to GiGi, but part of me doesn’t think so. But I have no idea. What does she think of Anna? Have you told her already? Has she figured it out? Will you be talking about her all Christmas, like you did of me just last year and the year before?

Davina Leach.

So much pain flooded my heart, a wound that is so deep and very much still open.

I drove home to pray before listening to it. I prayed that God would give my heart grace. That he would give me strength to not only hear her words, but to live with them.

The voicemail was soft, gentle, deliciously a haunting memory from conversations almost a year ago now.

Hi, it’s Davina… I’m on my lunch break. I got your message. I’m praying for you and your family, dear. Talk to you later, buhbye.

Twelve amazing seconds.

She never said my name. But she called me dear. And I believe her when she said that she is praying. And she took time from her busy schedule to call… and even leave a message.

So she heard that I still love you, Levi. I hope she remembers that.

I closed my eyes and put the phone on speaker and let the message play over and over again until I memorized the background noise and the inflection of her voice. I let the tears fall, and the sobs shake my body, and I cried out to God.

God, please. Please bring us together again. I want the family that I dreamed of being a part of.

I know that things are hopeless.. I feel the despair every day pushing me down. But what do you do? Trying to be strong. Try to become a better person. And pray. Pray for God to work miracles. Because that’s what it would be. A miracle.

A part of me doesn’t believe anymore.

But a part of me… looking at that voicemail on my phone? Still does.

And yes, Levi, today could be the very day.

Your star,

Rigel