A Blur of Time

A Blur of Time. 11.24.13 -12.07.13

Dear Levi,

So much has happened… but I have no strength to write. You went to Stillwater? And put pics up on Facebook I can see. You looked like it was fun. I hope so. (11.24) We had a big snowstorm… it made things complicated for work. But I managed. I hope you did, too. I wish you were here to wip my windows and share hot chocolate, but I’m sure you stay busy with Anna’s needs now.  (11.24) I spent a night at the Mattoxes that was fun, as usual. I didn’t know it would be the last one for a while. I made the mistake of giving my number to Marcos somebody, and he began aggressively and unchivalrously pursuing me. Great… (11.26) And continued to text me and ask me out… and even arranged with Kayla and Eric to set me up on a blind date at Waffle House Wednesday night after church. Great. It was so awkward. I tried my best to not hate them for it, but I was so humiliated. That night I shut him down hard and I hope that will be the last of it. I am afraid it will ruin my friendship with Eric and renewed friendship with Kayla. (11.27)

I had another first… The Grande Skirkin Hotel for Thanksgiving lunch with Kendon. He is so distant. I tried to talk to him and have a nice lunch but he spent most of his time on his phone. It was expensive and lonely… but I tried. (11/28) Black Friday I spent with Kate Walley. It was the funnest thing I’ve done in a long time. I was thinking about you the whole time, praying for your safey and strength. I stayed in Norman and Penn Mall for my shopping and got it all done. I was so exhausted from the all-nighter and ended up driving back down to Norman at 3am to buy a blue-green coat with toggles that reminded me of Washignton. The highway was so empty and I was so lonely, it was hard not to think about putting my car through another wall. But I just prayed… and prayed… and tried not to think until the night ended and I dragged my feet into work. Somehow I made it thorugh a double at Midland and Panera through the headaches, knowing I couldn’t be as tired as you... (11/28) The next 3 nights I worked doubles at work, broken only by a long day at church trying not to look your way. The exhaustion matched the emptiness in my head and heart. (11/29)

You went to the Antique Mall on 23^rd street, right near my job. I bet you didn’t know. And I was just there not long ago. It made me so sad, and yet it made me smile. I spent the day working a double at work. You were in a hoodie hanging out. I hope it was a good day for you… no matter who you were with (11.20)

And how can I write about the Unexpected Chapel Encounter? When I deliberately chose the highest seat in the grandstands where Bailey and Kate insisted you never sat? And yet there you came with your friends I don’t know and sat right in front of me. That was hard. I was glad to slip away after videoing Bailey and Manddii’s speacial, because you looked so… annoyed and mad. That I exist. I’m so sorry, Levi. I’m so sorry. I tried to sit where I wouldn’t hurt you. (12/3)

And then…. My Car was Robbed Again. And I had to file another report with the police and Isola Bella. Nothing was taken that I can find, but it still makes me scared. So scared. Where are you when your girl needs you? I’m so glad God is here for me… (12/5)

Another Big Snow Storm (12/5). But they didn’t cancel banquet night (12.6) and as hard as I looked on facebook, I couldn’t find pictures of you and Anna. But I know you were there. Because your car wasn’t at Walmart. I checked, against my better wishes. And I went to a park and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. The emptiness is like a cancer inside. All I can do is pray. Last Christmas banquet was so horrible… except I had you. And your tears I tried to stop, and you gave me white roses and Oswald the penguin, who is now gone forever since they stole him… I hope this one was better for you…

I miss you. This isn’t living.

Your star…

Rigel