Loneliness of Break

Loneliness of Break, 11.21.13

Dear Levi,

I helped Bailey and Pearl pack up and get ready to drive off to Kansas for break. I knew my other friends would be whisked away as well. Joy, Mandii, Bethany Steven, Lori Withrow. I didn’t know if Levi would be going away for break or staying to head up Black Friday at Walmart like last year. It was not my business this year, not mine to worry about and pray for his safety… and yet I would still do so. He deserved that of me.

Bailey and Pearl had made me my very own Christmas tree. With a glittery black skirt and black star, and starry white lights. It was very elegant. And absolutely perfect. I hugged them tightly and tried to smile effortlessly, wishing them well. But I knew that I would be so lonely.

As I drove back to work, I tried not to think about tomorrow. When I didn’t have a place to sit in church. When I didn’t have a friend to come hang out with in the dorms and drive to church and buy hot chocolate for. When the quiet would seep into my soul.

It was hard. Hard to think, hard to breathe, hard to feel. I tried my best not to. I just drove, I worked, I smiled, I dressed in nice clothes and pickd up the house and dodged Kendon’s bad moods. But my soul was slowly petrifying into the deep waters of exhaustion and sadness. And I didn’t realize it until looking back that as the warm weather turned into icy blueness of winter, so the days of hope would also pass into days of quiet acceptance.

And it was just a premonition of what Christmas break would be like, and the long summer after that. How could I endure it? God, please help. Please.

Your star,

Rigel