Guys Next Door

Guys Next Door 11.23.13

It’s funny the things the I notice now. As I drive home from work, there is always someone waiting at the bus stop for a ride. I feel spoiled, having my own car to myself, when there are people who don’t have one. I always think of Levi… of him and his mom walking around town when he was growing up, without a car. Of course in Ukraine I walk everywhere, through bitter cold and frozen ice fields, without complaint. And it’s just expected. But here, a lack of car is a huge poverty. Whenever I see them, I wonder their stories.

It’s getting dark so much faster now. By the time I get home, the neighorhood apartments are cloaked in a deep, impenatrable darkness. The glow of light from window and the occasional twinkle of Christmas lights are the only repreive to the cold, trembling darkness.

Tonight I got home quiet weary. I didn’t have anything to do, so I walked to my apartment with a feeling of sadness and despair. I feel that I am spending each day, each breath wasted. Who cares what happens to the girl that tries so hard at work and at church and through correspondence overseas, when she walks inside at night? There is nothing there for me, nothing at home. No one to welcome me. No one to build a life with me. If I fell dead, like Matthew Fowler, I would not even have a little son to come find me. The thoughts in my head were so bleak tonight.

My neighbors had friends over. A couple of young men, probably my age, standing outside smoking and having a laughter-filled conversation. I glanced briefly at them as I put my key in the lock. They glanced over, too, and instantly I became a more intriguing point of interest for them as they began cat calls and whistles of lustful admiration.

I was wearing my trendy grey coat from Burhka, but I had a feeling it was the knee-high black rhinestone boots of suede that caught their fancy. American girls couldn’t a     quire boots like these, and they’d probably only seen them in the movies.

I frowned at the young men, then stepped inside and shut the door.

I was glad Kendon was home, and although his presence was not much for company, it still gave me a sense of security.

I walked to the room, and the knowledge that appealed to someone, anyone, was powerfully tempting. I considered walking back outside and saying hi. What would it hurt? I was so lonely it was a drowning pain, like I had to break out and breath soon or I’d black out. I already felt numbed by it, bleak and disallusioned and.. so old.

But I knew the my dad wouldn’t approve, or Steven, or the Levi who had loved me. I’m sure the new Levi would care less.

But I didn’t go outside. I went inside to my room and closed the door and looked around at the empty, meaningly four walls. It might as well have been a pretty casket. This was no life.

I curled up with a pillow and my Bible and let the tears fall. Why did I appeal to those scum bags, but not to Levi? Why? Why was I so detesteble to him? Am I really only fit for the filth of mankind, and nothing more?

It was a hard question, because reality was screaming against every fairytale promise I’d been fed my entire life.

I thought about the men outside, and I reached for Levi’s necklace. His heart. I held it, and I cried, and I fell asleep. That’s all I had any more. Just the exhaustion.