Bench at Night

Dear Levi,

12.29.13

There is a bench. It overlooks a hill. That leads to a building, where I have never been. Where I cannot go. A hill, where my feet have never touched. A hill, forbidden to me for my gender. A hill that formed the barrier between Levi and myself last year. A hill that he ran up and disappeared on and I never saw him come back down ever again. A hill that forms the divide between past and present. Between who we were... and who we became. A hill I hate.
During the last semester at Heartland, I would go to that bench and sit at night on Sundays. Sit, and look at the slope under the snow, and pray. I would revisit the place of my failure. And I would grieve. And prayer. And vow to change. I watched the snow fade to dead grass, the dead grass fade to baby sproutlings, the baby grass turn to full summer lawn, and the semester ended.
During the summer, I went back a few times. But it didn't feel right in the full green warmth. It wasn't the same hill. So I waited.
In autumn, it wasn't right, either. And I was scared of going onto campus onto the territory of Levi and Anna and Tim and their club. So many, against just one.
But now, this night, I felt myself shatter again. Like the night I drove to Walmart. Unable to stop the tears, the grief, the need for something. On that night, it was to see Levi one more time in the face and see him reject me. This night, it was to feel the cold and desolation and abandonment of that hill and know it is my future.
My window wouldn't roll down after church. I drove through the frigid wind blowing in my face to campus, and I parked in the girls lot. I got out, in my thin clothes, and wrapped my gold-threaded scarf around my dark navy peacoat and walked silently through the darkness to the bench.
On the way, I passed Tim. It made me shutter, my stomach revolted.
He didn't stop, didn't say a word, didn't' look at me. He disappeared into his warm, bright dorm. The one he was complaining about just a few weeks before.
And I walked to the bench, frozen and blistered in the artic wind, and sat under the arch of dead, shuddering branches. It was so cold, my body literally shook with the shivers from head to toe. My cheeks burned, my fingers burned, my legs shook. Like that night when I was sixteen. And attacked. When my life changed from normal to.... horrific. It never changed back. Each time (Andrea, Levi...) were just illusions.
And I sat there. For over an hour. And I let the bitter, blistering tears scrape from my eyes and peel down my cheeks and drip onto my scarf. Drip, drip. Tears burning on my exposed skin. Knees shaking in the moonlight. Wind howling, moon shining, silent laughing at me.
There was nothing.
No one to come share the silence.
Bring warmth to the bittern cold.
Break the desolation.
Share the exile.
I could dream of something, vague and warm and bright in my dull imagination, an angel appearing to shine a little on the darkness. But that was also an illusion. There was nothing there. Just my sick mind. Just me. Little Noelle.
Across the hill, the dorm shone. Laughter and life was just beyond the windows. Too far away for me to ever grasp. Not that night, if I wanted to stay on campus as a student. Not now, if I wanted to be able to return. I kept my distance on the bench and turned my blurred gaze towards the silent, dead hill. It felt more real.
It felt just like it did that night.
Cold.
Frigid.
Bitter.
Dead.
Hopeless.
I stayed until I began coughing and my ears were aching with the wind so badly I couldn't' feel the shakes anymore. I knew I was being dangerous now, like the night I threw myself off the bridge into the excruciating, iced black lake in Chicago. Tired, sick, hopeless. I had come full circle.
Levi told me to be the girl I was before he came along.
That was her back then.
And this is her now.
Just a little more disillusioned, even. Knowing to jump wouldn't even work. To lie down in the cold and long for death wouldn't bring it. God was crueler than that. So were his men.
I didn't have a warm car to return to. More darkness, more cold, more wind.
And no home to go to. Just an empty dark apartment with no life, no future, no point.
It was a miracle I did what I did. Reread the passage from Isaiah, and crawled into a dozen layers of clothes, and pulled the blanket over my eyes. There was no escape. So I just succumbed to the nothingness and fell asleep.
Horrific sleep, with nightmares of death. Of Levi and Anna, happy and warm. Of Tim, walking by me in the darkness. Of the bridge, of the blood, of the future.... stretching out into nothing.

Your star,
Rigel

Club Walmart Elite

Dear Levi,

12.29.2013
You're back from wherever you went for Christmas. And Anna is back, too. So are more and more people as the balcony fills us. I was hoping you would be back and I chose my outfit carefully to fit the new haircut and color in my tresses, soft caramels mixed in with the dark chocolate brown. But if the skinny brown corduroy skirt, ruffled sweater from J Crew, and lace peplum blouse tied in with a gorgeous gold bow belt made me feel confident as I climbed the staircase in my brown lambskin boots tipped in gold, all my self confidence was doomed to be short lived.
In the main service, I was keenly aware of Levi and Anna back together. Of her new haircut and expensive leather coat. Of his soft black sweater vest I used to adore, the one that made him look so gentle and vogue. Sitting closer than six inches. Sharing a hymnal now, and wearing matching green tops. They looked so perfect, so happy, so.... completely like I never existed. Tears bubbled out of my eyes in the choir loft and I fought to hold them back. Bro. Ted's sermon was humorous and I focused on training my face to have a glowing smile.
Don't let them see that they're hurting you. Don't let them see. Don't let them see. They could care less, anyways. Look better than what you feel right now. Dang it, girl, get a grip!
And I struggled within myself all service so that I had headache before it was time to go.
I ran for the door but they were coming down at the exact same time and Levi and Anna and Sarah ran like kids for the mail box and crowded around it with laughter and jest, completely ignoring the dark, silent girl walking by out into the bitter cold. The icy wind wreaked tears from my eyes and clawed them down my face before I got to my car. They have everything, and I have nothing.
And rather than take a nap, I drove to the store and did my shopping. And did laundry. And let the tears fall and fall and fall.
I listened to Say Something by Big Wide World and Aguilera, mesmerized and numbed by the quiet, relentless grief to the song. I listened to it over and over again at the kitchen table, sharing the silence with Patrick, feeling weaker than I'd felt in so long. I just cried, and he swam, and the song played on and on.
At church, I had to be brave again. I had to put on a smile and try to look pretty and put together. It was so cold, and my clothes were very thin. I stayed downstairs with Kate where I would be safe, chatting with my teenagers, Joseph and Andrea. We discussed new years plans and Christmas gifts and the weather.
From my perch in the youth section, I had the unfortunate position of being directly under the landing strip view of Levi and Anna up above, sitting where he and I used to sit for years. It cut so deep. They were huddled together and he was wearing his warm black sweater vest that made him look... so incredibly precious to me. So huggable. I bit back tears. At least he was happy. And he looked so incredibly happy. She must be way better than I ever was.
I was okay to just hang out down here and try not to look up until I saw Tim walk by. He avoided me and headed to the back of the church. I wondered how he was doing. Part of me thought about seeking him out, and explaining him that when I said party on Sunday I had meant celebrate. So he didn't think badly of me. Because I've had as much of that as I can stand.
But the crowd was boisterous, and it was almost time for choir and... I just felt like God was saying no. So I stayed put.
And had the perfect view when Tim walked up to Levi and Anna in the balcony, just above me, and they began to laugh.. talk... mess with their phones... and sit together.
Just like summer.
Just like spring.
Just like when he left me.
I felt a huge, sick stab of shock. Of pain.
Levi, Tim, Anna.
Somewhere on break was Trevor, Sarah, Lori.
The club was back together again. Whole, intact, centered around Levi and his too-perfect girlfriend, Anna. There were so many. Too many. A whole army against me. Just me, just one little Noelle.
I couldn't watch.
I couldn't look away.
I didn't know what to say or what to do. All I felt was betrayal. Tim was talking to Levi again? Just like that? What about his long, too-convincing outburst at the Hainlines? Fixed so easily, so seamlessly?
And Levi, talking to Tim. Inviting him back into the protected little circle of him and Anna. Because he can forgive his aunt, his mom, and Tim. But not me. Never me.
I couldn't watch anymore. I turned and ran to choir, and I forced myself not to think about it. To just breathe. Because I felt panicked, like a deer realizing the meadow is aflame all around it, stunned and no idea which direction to run. Fire all around.
I sat with Kate, but I couldn't sing. My eyes blurred again and again and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop the headache, the way my stomach knotted, how hot and reeling my head was. I was so glad that I was out of everyone's sight, hidden among a crowd of restless teenagers.
What was I to do?
As a year came up, and everything around me melted away. They were grouping back together, that horrible, formidable, elite club of WalMart friends that scared me to death. I couldn't compete. I didn't stand a chance. I was nothing. I'd felt some stance of my own ground when they all split up. relieved, even, able to see maybe an end to the banishment. But now they were back together, and my body couldn't handle the stress. I had to leave in autumn to avoid the reunion of this club, and I was watching it all over again, the very thing I dreaded.
When Bro. Rick began to preach on the judgment of God out of Isaiah 28, I was so distracted. But he captivated me with his precise, relentless presentation. It was as if he knew exactly what was happening tonight. Exactly how hopeless, how alone I felt.
"Do you feel your punishment is greater than the crime?" he presented. I wanted to scream Yes! Why was it me who was alone for so long? And they were just fine, just fine? "God knows that the punishment is not for the outward offense. It's for the heart condition. His chastisement is custom cut to your heart, to what you need. No one is alike. And he won't just two people the same way. But his ways are perfect, and errorless."
Those words... split my heart down the middle. Two people, two decisions. Our breakup. And here Levi had an easy, happy go lucky year surrounded by friends and a new girlfriend instantly and family over the summer... and I had darkness, exile, no one. And I was faced with the reality that God was punishing me so much harder, so much crueler... because I deserved it more. Because I was the stronger Christian, the one who knew more, who was more privileged. Levi was an orphan, a drug baby, all alone in this world with Santana. Why would God punish him with people alone? He had already been through that. But me? I had chosen my path, and God was being relentless, harsh, definite. But that just shows how horrible I must be to him.
It broke me. I sat there and pulled my hair (luckily it's long enough now!) around my face and sobbed and sobbed. Right in the middle of the teenagers who probably were really weirded out.
Bro. Rick was gentle as well as blunt. "God isn't going to let his punishment continue on one second, one second, longer than he knows is right. Not one second."
And I cried. I cried so hard. I would have left, and hid by the pillars outside... but I was locked into the pew. During the invitiation, I didn't want to climb over six people to get out, and I didn't want Levi and Anna and Tim to see. They saw me cry before and didn't care.
And this wasn't about them. This was about God. That he wasn't going to stop. That it wasn't going to end. And the end of the year would come, and go, and my punishment would just continue on. Forever.
I couldn't stop crying. Through the dismissal prayer, and song. People standing up, laughing, collecting their things.
I knew Kate didn't know what to say. She had to look after Andrea, anyways. What was I doing with these teenagers when I was being afflicted by God's wrath, anyways? I was like poison among them.
I took my stuff and clamped my hand on my mouth as I kept sobbing and just walked out.
Pushed past people, not caring, unable to do anything about the tears flooding down my face, ruining my mascara, causing stares.
I fled through the crowd, knocking people out of my way, completely Ukrainian. The rage, the pain, the despair. It flooded me.
I drove away, and I cried. I cried and cried.
The club was back together. And I was alone. And God wasn't ever going to change it. This was my fate.

Pianist

Dear Levi,

Since the Heartland girls have been gone, I've been the only helper at the Sommerset ministry. In a way it's very nice, because I've gotten to know Bro. Don and Ms. Martha so well... and party it's very lame, because I don't get to go sing in the bedridden wing. Instead, I've been acting song service pianist. All fumbly-fingered and scared to death, blundering through a few agonizing hymns and evening scratching out a special where I sang and played all at the same time. It was disastrous, in a... wonderful way. It felt a lot like home, where everything is so imperfect and yet I know that I am needed. I look out on my little old people, and they are so sweet and so quiet and so, so precious. I don't like playing the piano but I am glad that I can be of some help. Part of me knows I should probably try to take lessons this summer to learn how to play American hymns. I never wanted to before, but I know I should. When I hit a flat key instead of a natural, the awkward sound made me grimace. I shot a quick look of apology at Bro. Don, but he was singing away in his warm sweater vest, focused on his old people. I hurried my eyes to the notes ahead. The old people may be half deaf, but they aren't that deaf.
Thank you God for letting me be a part of this ministry where I am needed.
Thank you Levi for encouraging me to do this again.

Your Star,
Rigel

Merry Christmas from Tim

Dear Levi,

12.25.13
Christmas Day

I didn't want to sit downstairs with Kate Walley, but she had saved me a spot with her parents and Kendon said he didn't have room with his guy friends. In my head, driving sad and numb along the highway to church, I would go inside and sit up in the empty balcony, up in the back corner where I used to sit before Levi walked into my life, when I was in grieving from the Chicago crisis. That is where my soul longed to be. Alone. Away. Grieving.
But I ended up carrying in bags of Christmas gifts and slipping in with the Walleys, smiling and laughing in all the right places. Like Kate and I are best friends. Like I am so popular I have people clamoring for my presents. Like I'm someone that I don't recognize.
I usually am not so cynical. I smile. I breathe. I say a prayer and try to be a better girl than who I was, someone Levi can be proud of. Maybe that is who that girl is, the one sitting there with presents by the Walleys. But the old Noelle, the little sad Gothic girl, is still in my head and sometimes she still speaks up. Like earlier that day in a text to insensitive Michelle, bubbling about how well I've adjusted to Levi being with Anna.
"You're doing just great!" she gushed.
I couldn't help the bitterness in my reply. "Yeah, if waking up each day is a great way to live life."
She didn't respond and I didn't care. Everyone else was so happy about this life now, it was my own fault I couldn't be like them. I didn't want to, anyways.
After the sermon, I scanned the room like crazy for Joseph. He used to come pester Levi when I sat with him, and I was touched that Levi had a special bond with a random bus kid. Now Levi was too busy with Tim or now Anna and it was me that Joseph was coming over to talk with. I'm not sure why. There's nothing funny or intriguing I have to offer him, but he reminds me of my days with Levi so I wave at him whenever I see him and make sure to take time to talk to him about school, his dad in Saudi Arabia, his family. Now apparently he's become an adoring fan.
He came running over on his own accord, bringing me a Christmas gift. A plastic bookmark, unwrapped. The price tag was still stuck to the back, 1.26$ It made me smile so big. "Thank you, you didn't have to give me a gift," I said softly.
He looked embarrassed but proud. "I didn't want to forget you today."
I handed him a small gift bag stuffed with crepe paper and a glittery Christmas card. Inside was tucs and Roshen white chocolate, gifts from Ukraine. He was almost speechless, and it made me laugh.
"It takes an acquired taste, so if you don't like it, don't worry about offending me, okay?"
Joseph took off to find his brother and sister, since I'd never met them.
Curious, I followed into the center aisle and faced two little kids. The girl, Sarah, was in a big poofy white Christmas dress with red roses. She was ten. And the boy, Abraham, in jeans and a tee shirt, was nine and very proud that he was taller than Sarah.
I didn't know what to say to them. They weren't adults, so I couldn't just hide behind polite conversation. Instead, I told them I gave candy to their brother and I hoped he would share. They were really cute and very squirmy, so the little meeting was only a few minutes. But Joseph seemed very proud and he and I exchanged pleased smiles.
And as they were getting ready to go, from across the pews approached two very intimidating figures... Amanda and Tim Mickey.
I thought of Twilight, when the two small dark children with the most menacing powers step out of the ranks of the powerful Volturi to face off with the heroes, the Cullens. Maybe it was because they are both small, slight, and very much alike. And wearing matching black wool coats. Maybe I'm just highly paranoid.
My stomach literally clenched. Amanda looked... less than thrilled to be crossing paths with me. And Tim looked... well, it's hard to think straight when I'm looking at him. My mind goes crazy, mixing past with present with future. Was he happy to see me? Leery? Holy cow he looked so much like Levi, same build and height, same black coat. Levi, my Levi. Levi and Tim. Tim and me.
I had this crazy urge to step behind the pew and put some solid wood between us. We were so very in public and not the kind of public that makes me feel safe. And it was two on one, so unfair.
Since March when Levi took down my things in Santana and turned me away that night I came into Walmart crying, my new defense has been offense. So I just went with the plan instinctively, not really having time to figure out what the right response should be. A pleasant smile, bright eyes, and the first one to greet them.
"Hey, guys, Merry Christmas!"
I got the feeling it was Tim who wanted to say hi to me, and he was bringing along his sister for... protection, or something. They had spent Christmas day at the Hainlines. I felt sad that I had missed hanging out with him Christmas Eve there... so I let him know I had been there, just to rub it in that he wasn't the only one to frequent that haven. Part of me what furiously calculating what that meant. Is that where Levi had been, too? Probably not.... the boys didn't seem to be talking yet.
I wasn't prepared with something to talk about, so I rambled about trying to find eggs for the brownies I made. Amanda looked bored and Tim... well, there was just something so superior about his gaze tonight. Like he was layers above me. Maybe it's because he had just been talking for a long time with Sam Davison, President of Heartland, who probably didn't even know I exist let alone graduated this spring. Or maybe it was all in my head. Part of me had an uncontrollable desire to fly at him and attack his perfect face and scream at him, 'You stole him! You stole my best friend!"
And the other part of me... had this uncontrollable craving to kiss him. Why did his eyes have to be so much like Levi's? Beautiful, warm chocolate. So alive, so animated when he wanted them to be. It made me so humiliated, to feel so ordinary compared to that life and shine. But it was not Tim I wanted to kiss, it was Levi.
I asked what they were doing for New Years... nothing, apparently, because they exchanged surprised and blank looks. It made me laugh. Okay, obvious that wasn't a big deal in Kenya. I told them how New Years kicks off a week of celebration in Ukraine, ending in Russian Christmas on the 7th. They didn't know that, which was odd to me because I feel they know everything about me. It's just the paranoia from having seen them with Levi for so long and he... he truly knew everything.
It was frustrating that I couldn't invite them over. It would be funny, maybe to put in a movie and pop some faux champagne and count down the New Years. But so impossible. And they advised they are both on campus for the break. Oh, well. A girl could dream.
Tim laughed at me and said, "You make it sound so wrong," in regards to partying up New Years.
My face went so red and I looked down at my Russian boots. If only he knew how truly messed up I was. The scars, the alcohol, the car wreck, and Brandon. He wouldn't come within a billion yards of me, just like Levi. I knew it was my fault, but it was also how I was raised. I can't help the world I came from. I didn't know what to say to that.
Amanda must have got fed up. She announced someone was waiting on her and left. Just Tim and me... and I'm sure his ride was probably about to go, too. I wanted to just sit down with him and beg him to talk to me again. To hear his thoughts, so mysterious and unfathomable to my mind. What is his thinking? How is he doing? To look at his hands again, the way I used to look at Levi's. To just feel like he was my friend, rather than a political leader combing by on campaign obligations.
It was so awkward, just he and I. In public, in church. I couldn't be myself here. And I didn't know what he wanted from me. I wanted to ask if he got my Christmas card, but I was too embarrassed. I looked up from my boots and he was looking over at the others across the church, probably just as desperate for an excuse to break away. I was surprised he hadn't excused himself with his sister. Maybe he was kicking himself for that now, too.
Something about the way he was looking off, avoiding looking at me, made me sick, angry. It was the same way he had looked away back when I was Levi's recent girl. When he and Levi used to pretend I didn't exist, treated me like an annoyance. I was so mad, I couldn't say a word.
An itty bitty girl bumped my leg. I looked down to see a blond-haired toddler wearing black and sparkles staring at me. I stared back, out of my league. But I didn't want to look unkind in front of Tim, and decided she would make better company anyways.
"Hey there cutie, what's your name?"
She held up two fingers.
"Oh, you're two?"
She nodded. I laughed. She walked off. I turned to Tim. 'Do you know her?'
"No." he looked just as surprised.
'She's cute."
"Adorable." he was already inching away.
Seriously. I took a deep breath. I wasn't going to get a repeat of the night at the Hainlines. That was a fluke, a random breakdown that I'd probably just imagined in my fragile, mentally sick mind. Well, I didn't have stand here and torture him, too.
"Well, if I don't see you before then, have a good new years." And I smiled brightly, and turned and walked away without looking back.
I had looked backed for Levi too many times. I knew they never looked back for me.
I was running to my car when I got to the foyer. Sobbing by the time I hit the car door. Stupid keyless entry, I couldn't even crawl in. I had to fumble in my pocket for the remote and hit the button first. I shut the door and faced the hollow, aching darkness and sobbed like my heart was dying.
Why were his eyes so much like Levi's?
My prince, my prince with caramel eyes, those caramel eyes that turn to verdure...
Stanza from the poem I'd written Levi haunted my mind like a broken record, over and over. Why? Why did he have to come over? Why did he have to remind me of what I lost? That I'll never be good enough for him and his sister? That there's no going back, just moving on to something less? Why? Why did he have to come to me tonight, when I was hurting so badly already?
I sobbed and sobbed all the way home, and then curled up in the driver's seat in the parking lot of Isola Bella and watched the silent night sky while the sick, cold tears ran drown my cheeks. It was easier, somehow, to be outside in my car. My safe haven. I could cry, and no one could stop me. No one could get to me. And looking at the sky, I could feel like God was closer. That Levi was closer. That I was closer to the little girl whom I'd once been when I looked at the sky across many places in the world.
That's all that is left. The memories, the emptiness, the darkness and the silence.
I began to sing faintly to myself, haunting songs, songs of death.
Death, peace, quiet.

Your star,
Rigel

Christmas Card

Dear Levi,

I got a Christmas card from Washington today in my little mailbox. A beautiful, glittery card with precious, old fashioned script across the pages. And enclosed, two little pages of a personalized lette to me. She called me "Dearest Noelle" and she invited me to come see her this year. Oh, the thought of seeing GiGi, finally meeting her. Tramping through Washington's beauties, visiting the apple valley of paradise. It wouldn't be right without you at my side. But my tears over overwhelming gratefulness flowed onto my pillow as I crawled into bed. She loved me still. She hasn't given up on me. God, thank you.

Your star,
Rigel

In My Pew

Dear Levi,

12.22.13

You didn't leave!!! You're here!!! Oh, the joy that shot straight to my toes when I saw you on Sunday. I was so shocked. I'd even scanned the parking lot in habit and sighed quietly when I noted Santana's prominent absence. But there you were.... I saw you when I was in choir, singing away Christmas carols. And you were in the balcony, in such clear sight. Only ten people up there. The shock was that you were on my side... in my pew... where I always sit.
I was so confused.
Why?
Why would you sit there?
Without Anna. You must have sent her home, like you sent me home last Christmas. I ached to see you all alone.
By why there? Why not sit where you sit with her? Or down with friends?
I was so confused I could barely think straight. Maybe he hadn't known I would be here. Maybe he was trying to tell me something. Maybe he missed me too, in the way that my soul misses him so much.
Maybe....
Maybe....
maybe it is just nothing, and my imagination is ridiculous.
All I know is how happy, and sad, and confused I felt all at the same time.
I wanted to run up to you and throw my arms around you and whisper, "Merry Christmas, little Levi."
The past months didn't matter. I love you so much.

You disappeared after church. And I spent the afternoon finishing up my last minute shopping in Norman and driving into the country to walk along the pastures with their broken glass strewn ice capsules, relishing in the beauty of the ice storm.

I was anxious about what I would do that night. Should I sit in my pew? Or would you be headed there? Should I sit downstairs? What would be best? What would make you happy?
I decided to be safe and keep with the plans I'd made before I knew you were in town. I would sit downstairs with Kate.
In choir, I looked up at the balcony for you but you weren't there. Keen disappointed shot through me. Where are you, my sweet prince? My prince with caramel eyes...
It was during the choir special when I caught your gaze.
You, looking at me.
I'm so sure of it, as you quickly looked away. I did, too. I didn't want to hurt you or scare you. But my heart missed a beat and then sped up like a runaway horse.
Levi, sitting downstairs in the deaf section with Charlie, his old friend. Levi, looking at me. Levi, without Anna.
It was too good to be true. I could have exploded with joy.
But part of me knew it wasn't going to last. And it wasn't what my heart wanted it so badly to be.
As I drove home, I sang Christmas carols with the station you had set my radio to last holiday season. And I drove to our park, and I prayed. I prayed for you. I prayed for me. I prayed for this year.

Your star,
Rigel

Ice Storm

Dear Levi,

A beautiful ice storm rained down on Oklahoma City. Not like the one earlier in the month. This one was thicker, deeper, icier. It took me more than an hour standing out in the cold morning to break through the cocoon of ice encasing my car. I felt like Hulk woman, bashing the ice and watching it crack and fissure like glass, shattering as my fists sent it flying in whole sheets. Wow.
For two days, I marveled at the exquisiste beauty that gripped Oklahoma in an glossy clasp. It wasn't that everything was encased with ice as much as how deeply everything was frozen solid. The grass stretched like a field of minerals, huge jagged cylinders of glass sparkling in the dazzling sunlight. Whole flowers encased, perfectly intact.
Wow.
I wish you could have seen it. I figure you are home in Washington with your family. That is what I want... you home... you with those who love you... you safe and far away from this city.
I longed for my camera to capture the dazzling winter glory. The pictures on my cell phone didn't do it justice at all.
I miss you.

Your star,
Rigel

Quail Springs at Midnight

12.19.13

Dear Levi,

It may have only been by 1.04% but I beat out the other rookies to land Top Rookie for November. Second month on the floor. Second time to take home the plaque and gift card. Shockingly enough, I beat out the entire department for Top Homesaver of the month, landing 80 streamlines, more than double the goal. First runner up was almost twenty applications behind. I was shocked. I knew my dad would be proud... I wanted you to be proud of me, too, Levi.
That night, I played the piano for the nursing home and my hands shook so badly I messed up two songs. But Bro. Don just gave me a tight hug and said it was wonderful. The little old people, so precious to me, were smiling too.
Kate Walley had invited me along to see Hunger Games (yes, again) with Joy and Lindsey. I was reluctant because it was so late at night and so far away and... I had barely spoken to Joy in months. It wasn't her fault. But every time I looked at her, all I can hear is her saying, 'You need to get over him!" and know that she is good, close friends with Anna. That she talked to Anna about me. That she questioned my side of the story of our breakup. I felt so betrayed.
But I ended up wandering the mall for an hour before they showed up to eat in the food court. I couldn't eat anything. My stomach hurt so badly with the memories of our unapproved secret date here that spring. I could still hear his laughter. Feel the panic of being spotted by another Heartland couple.
The movie was good and Joy was kind, if distant. I didn't blame her. She was in the middle of a blossoming romance, and I was the friend who fell apart after she got dumped. I pestered her with questions about her love affair with Nathan, and Joy seemed to open up. She blushed and looked pleased and gushed about how things were going. It was easy to keep the conversation on her and avoid any questions about how I was doing. It always code for, "Have you given up on him and moved on yet?" And everyone knew I seem incapable of doing that.
After the movie, the three girls were laughing on their way to their cars. I felt so invisible, and I'd parked the other direction so I said goodnight and walked off. They barely stopped to say goodbye. As I walked quiet and exhausted through the empty, abandoned mall, I stopped in the center of the food court to just look around.
So many memories.
So many dreams.
So many mistakes.
Levi, I miss you.
I sat down at a table and just looked around. I hoped the security guards wouldn't come by and call my crazy. I just sat there... and stared up at the huge ceiling... and cried. Pale, wordless tears bathing my cheeks. No one to see. No one to care. Just me. Just the emptiness. Just the memories.
I miss you so badly. I hate being here. It hurts so badly, everywhere I go. I don't want to make any other memories than the ones I shared with you here. They aren't good enough.
But you'll never want me again.
I sat there for an hour, alone in the food court of an empty, dark mall.
It felt so final.

Your star,
Rigel

Gone

Dear Levi,

12.18.13

The week passed so slowly, so painfully. By Wednesday, I knew the church would be empty. Everyone was abandoning Oklahoma for prettier scenes for the holiday. I couldn't believe Christmas was just a week away. The balcony was empty at church. I sat with Kate Walley in the teen section and even Anna and Tim were absent. It felt so strange, so sad. Like summer all over again. I spoke with Bro. Seth about working in the teen Sunday School classes. He gave him his number but advised he probably wouldn't be able to work me in until after the holidays. "I won't be thinking about church," he laughed. But I frowned. It was trivial, maybe, but it rubbed me wrong. What kind of minister focused on his own life for Christmas rather than his ministry? I wanted to scream that if it weren't for my parents teaching the Bible, Kharkovites wouldn't even know there was a person named Jesus to celebrate the season over. Southwest is so overpopulated that an extra pair of hands is something to shrug off until after the season. I want to go home. To go home, where they need help. Where there is no one. I could hear Levi's soft voice from the past in my ears as I drove home that night, "Baby girl, they need help." Tears pooled in my eyes but I gritted my teeth. Why did he have to leave me and Ukraine, too? Who was going to help them now?

Your star,
Rigel

Crossing Paths

Crossing Paths, 12.15.13

Dear Levi,

Another Sunday. I was pretty sure you would still be here, although the other Heartland students have all gone. Last night I took Bailey and Pearl out to Yukon to see the lights. We stopped by Panera to get hot chocolates and shared soup for dinner in the abandoned dorms so we could open our Christmas gifts. Bailey hand crafted my box and designed a vintage black and gold Paris coffee mug for me. I was speechless when I noticed she included a small jar of country raspberry jam, remembering how I’d told her once that was traditional Russian for good health for the cold winter months. Since she’s American, she also tucked in tea, hot chocolate, and marshmellows. I was at a loss what to get her and ended up with a bracelet from Gordon’s jewelers where you add on a charm each year. I started out with simple sterling silver bead with diamond flecks. She said it was her first diamonds ever! Part of me is so afraid on the inside, calmly accepting the risk that someday she may walk away from me, too, like Andrea and you whom I also invested so much money and time and love into. I hope my heart will be ready if that ever happens. I don’t know what to do now that she isn’t around. Washington seems farther away than ever…

Sunday morning was so unusual. Since Kendon started working the night shift, he is used to be awake at insanely early hours. He couldn’t sleep so he came banging into my room to announce he was going grocery shopping. On a Sunday morning. At five a.m. Because he couldn’t sleep and did I need anything? I had to laugh through my yawns. We had bought tickets last night and gone to see Homefront at the theatre in Tinseltown. That theatre always makes me sad, always reminds me of my best friend. I had to ask to get off of work early from Panera but Mary let me. That was so nice.

I found a place to fix my car. I’m not going to bother with the locks, it costs too much and still leaves the car vulnerable. But a place down the road is going to take the car Wednesday and install a keyless entry and alarm. It seems to fancy in my head… for this poor little beat up junker of a car. And part of me is sad, because you won’t be able to get in anymore with your copy of my key that you interestingly enough never returned. I don’t want change. I want you to be closer, not farther away…

We had sound checks for our ensamble song, Away in the Manger, Flow Gently Sweet Afton. An old carol set to vintage Irish lullaby. It is so pretty. I wasn’t sure you would be there so I wore the outfit you didn’t see that week you away in Still water – the tight, curvy black pencil skirt with fluer d lis design, and a flowing white Grecian blouse with shimmering gold circles. I added a long, glittery beaded necklace for an extra touch of shine to help lighten up the dark nylons and sexy black booties that Nina bought with me during my trip home in August. The curls turned out pretty great, as usual, but they have grown out so much the roots look awful. I need to do my hair… but all my funds are going to the car this month. Sigh. At least there is the bittersweet knowledge you won’t be close enough to notice.

I was walking up to the Crossbearers with dread when out the big windows of the foyer I saw Brittany and Anna walking up, arm in arm, looking perfect in big curls and bows and a short, very short jean skirt and a lovely canary yellow peacoat that I wanted to find so badly. I’m sure you love it. Your color, yellow. Wow. She looked so perfect, like a little princess, that I walked away and felt the same old tears burning in my eyes and clawing at my throat.

I walked into Sunday School, and faced an empty class. I sat by Jen, but it was so quiet. So awful. I fidgeted for about ten minutes, then gave up and made my escape, leaving my bulky purse and binder to mark my space.

I wandered down the hall to the big windows and watched the cars pulling in and families get out and make their way like little ants across the asphalt. The verse God had given me from Psalms a while back echoed in my head, “He has put the solitary in families.” But as I watched little kids holding their dad’s hands and the moms all pretty and secure at their sides, I had to wonder where my family was.

And then I saw the green of Santana, way off in the bus cage. It intrigued me that you park there. It’s not like you are late or the spots closer up are crowded. But I watched you get out, in a green shirt I knew so well, and put on your suitcoat. No McDonald’s frappe today. You walked around to the passenger side, and it was locked. You stopped to dig back out your keys, inlock it, and pull out your Bible. Then you turned and started the long walk in the blissful sunshine to the building. I wondered if you would see me. Notice. Care. Be angry.

I stepped back a little, but couldn’t help but watch. You looked so agonizingly beautiful. So happy, and carefree… and my little Levi. Turning down a ride from the golf cart with practiced ease, hurring on to church. I watched you and felt like I was dead, and watching from heaven. Maybe then I wouldn’t mind so much that you were hurrying in to your new princess, the one with perfect hair and bows and short skirts and a yellow coat. As it was, I watched until you disappeared inside and even then, I stared out some more.

The people down below blurred out of my vision as the tears slowly began to trickle down my face. Empty tears, tired tears, wordless tears of sadness. There just are no words for the hollowness I feel in my soul. Seeing you… all I could hear was your sweet, gentle voice talking to me in days long gone by.

Hi there little Noelle! You look so cute! I love you baby girl… my little turtle… my princess… Thank you for always being there for me.

I stood there and let time drift by and people drift by and stayed in the past, in those memories. They didn’t hurt as much as the present. Where you would be hurrying by me and rushing in to the safety of Anna’s little circle. Where you would be welcomed in the Heartland class, where I was not. Where someone would see the warmth of your caramel eyes this beautiful morning, and I had nothing but a dull view out the big, lonely windows.

After Sunday school, I decided I had to speak with someone about getting into a ministry one Sunday morning. It was killing me, ripping me open on the inside, this one hour that was a constant reminder of what I have lost. More than just my best friend. My whole world.

In choir, I vaguely spotted you and Anna all alone up in the balcony in a cattycorner pew. Well, that was cozy. I tried to tone down the jealousy with a blanket of deadness. I was dead. How could I feel anything? As long as she made you happy. As long as she takes better care of you than I did. That is all that should matter now. I made sure not to look that direction and was slightly proud of myself in a masochistic way that I successfully kept my eyes down and a fixed, pleasant smile on my face the whole dang service.

When it was time for my ensamble to sing, it was horrible not to be able to look up and see your reaction. See your face. I wonder what my presence in the special music does to you. Does it make you proud? Angry? Does it make Anna jealous? Or do you not even notice at all? Not knowing is so hard, but I refused to allow myself to even look that way. Because my specials aren’t about you or me. They are about God. About his goodness to me in this darkness, and praising him with the voice he has given me. It’s about God.

After church, I went to my car in a hurry to go home and sleep. As I buckled in, I saw you getting in Santana across the lot. Which is pretty amazing considering all the cars and distance between us. I wondered by God let me see it. See any of it. Obviously, there is a reason.

And I decided not avoid the temptation to wait, and hurried along my usual route home. I did check the rear view mirrors, in case you appeared on my bumper like that wonderful, excruciating afternoon in the autumn, but there was nothing there. And then I had to laugh… because I spotted you ahead of me by about six cars.

What were the odds?

Pretty good, maybe, since this was apparently your usual route, too. I figure it is going to either Anna’s or the Medrano’s, since my hunch is she is living with them. And I’m sure you get on 44 south and end up in some nice, fancy neighborhood in Moore or Norman. Probably why you two had such an easy summer, living in the green plains to the south while I was exiled to the far bitter north above the lake. Probably helping each other out during the tornados. Probably just perfect… everything seems perfect about her.

You got ahead when I got stopped by two red lights and I gave up. I knew where you were headed, anyways. In the opposite direction of me.

I drove home… fed Patrick. Cooked fajitas for Kendon and we shared a simple prayer at the table. Spoke with Mom and Dad on the phone, then crawled into bed. Before I fell into an exhausted sleep, I said a prayer for you. I don’t remember it because I fell asleep so hard.

Tonight was special music meeting. Bro Don got on people for using Trevor too much. I guess I should be lucky he played my Sunday School special. I asked him about singing in church, and he hedged about so many people on the roster already. I just calmly conversed with him and got him to fix the way my name was spelled on the sheet (both names wrong!) and he told me I wouldn’t need to speak with him again because he would be trying to work me in eventually and I’d just get a notice a month in advance through the mail. I decided I’d wait three months and then ask him again in April. I want to sing in church.

Bless her heart, Kate Walley was ready to save me a spot. And as I hurried over to the teen department, feeling completely safe… I was shocked to see you and Anna and Brittany sitting with the teens. I was used of seeing her there on Wednesday’s… but not you. Not once.

I stopped a few rows back, staggering in surprise, and quickly texted Kate.

HELP!

I decided it wouldn’t be so bad to sit in front of you a good number of rows. I didn’t mind you having to see me when I look so put together. As long as I didn’t have to be near you at all. And as long as I didn’t have to sit and watch you and her.

But while I waited for Kate, I noticed Anna was wearing a thin, sheer yellow blouse showing off her bra straps and chunks of flesh down her back. Wow. Her hair was curled and huge and perfect. But you two weren’t talking. All talked out over the afternoon? I was too tired to try to figure it out. All I know is I felt so… plain and withered… compared to her. Why would you ever look at me again? I’ll never be as pretty as her. Can’t happen.

Bless her heart, Kate came back and offered to sit on the very back row with me. I laughed because I didn’t want to be thwarted from our spot because of him. I was so done with being exiled all over the place. I was going to stake my space. Maybe if it made him uncomfortable enough, he would make sure never to sit there again. And if not, then he would see me having a good time with a good friend.

So we waltzed passed you and found a seat and I had to laugh because despite my inner bravado, my knees were shaking and my hands were icy and I was completley out of breath. It’s ridiculous, the way you can affect me. I love you. You have my heart. And living without you is agony. That’s all there is to it, no matter how much I lie to myself.

We sang the First Noel as a hymn, and I had to chuckle when Kate asked, “I bet Levi likes singing this song next to his new girlfriend!” And to my horror she turned around and craned across the crowd to see. “Dang, I can’t see his facial expression!”

I yanked on her arm to calm her down. “Kate!” I was so embarressed. Usually people were more delicate about my feelings towards Levi. They knew I still wished him well. But Kate seeme to be a little more defensive over me, and I felt an endearingness towards her. God has given me such good friends.

And the PeeWee club sang The First Noel as well, and my eyes welled up as I watched the little boys and girls and thought of baby Levi and Chardonnay as I dreamed of them. I ached, literally ached, on the inside where my barren womb is. I will never carry his child. I will never have a little Levi to hold close and sing my name and give me hugs around the neck. I will never have a little girl to put bows in her hair and admire her dad’s freckles across her little nose. The thought hurt so badly… the tears gently trickled down my face. I was afraid of my new makeup running, so I had to wipe at them which made it quite obvious I was crying. Sigh.

But the sermon was so good. From Micah 5:2. About the tiny town of Bethlehem that became something so great for God. And Pastor Gaddis called his sermon, “Though Tho Be Little,” and it was just like he was preaching to me! To little Noelle. I underlined the verse and then high lighted it, and then drew an arror with the date, and then added stars for good measure.

After church, you guys disappeared. So did Kate to be with the teens. Kendon was at work. I was already all alone in Oklahoma City. I drove through the dark streets to OnCue to fill the tank and wipe the windows and get everything cleaned out. Then to Starbucks on the Expressway to begin uploading these letters I’ve written but never had internet access to publish.

I wonder where you are for Christmas break. The dorms? The Medrano’s? Will you go home? I don’t know. I just pray. I pray that God would give you another heart, like I read about him doing for Saul, when he made him king.

All I know is that I love you so much.

And I wish the very best for you this Christmas season. It’s so hard… knowing the one year mark is coming up. I’m terrified. I know it will come, and pass, and it’ll be gone… but I’m still so scared. So sad.

I’m so sorry, Levi.

Please be happy.

Please… think of your litle Noelle.

Your star,

Rigel

Call w Davina

Call with Davina, 12.12.13

Dear Levi,

After buying Lori dinner at McDonald’s and dropping her off at the dorms, I knew I wanted to check one more time on the Walmart parking lot. The last three times I’d cruised in, I hadn’t been able to find Santana and there was a lingering panic of uneasiness in my stomach. Had something happened to Santana? Did he still work there? What?

And even though it wasn’t the first time and I had calculated it into the risk, it still cut me to the core when I saw Santana at the very edge of the lot nose to nose with Anna’s big SUV. All alone, all together. It made the tears, dry tears of disbeleif and depair, burn in my head and ignite the headache I’d been fighting all day.

As I drove off, feeling sick, I hated myself for buying a milkshake. For laughing with Lori about her romance. For being stuck in this city with my broken car. For being alive.

And I decided I might as well get everything painful over all at once, so I dailed up Davina to return her call like my parents advised.

Not going to lie… I was hoping for voicemail. Because I had no idea what I would actually say to her in conversation. I’m lousy at conversation. Especially on the phone. Maybe I’m stellar at it with my mortgagors, but they don’t know me. And there’s no drama involved, no inhibitions.

It rang four times, and she picked up. And we had the first conversation in about ten months.

Not since we talked that one frigid winter day, when I sobbed over losing Levi and she sobbed over losing him, too. And she shared her story. And I begged her to forgive me for hurting him. And I’d never loved a stranger more, than the day I first received GiGi’s letter in the agony of the summer. But then it was destroyed…. Like everything, I destroyed it. When Levi added her back on facebook, and I protested to know why she hadn’t told me, like I had any right to know about their business.. and she deleted me on facebook, blocked me… moved me out, just like Levi. Out of the way for Anna.

I was terrified when she picked up. But I tried to keep my voice gentle and my words simple.

At first she didn’t know who I was. I almost just hung up after struggling to tell her Noelle, Noelle O’Brien. Then she realized who it was and apologized all over herself, she said she thought I was her daughter in law Lola, supposed to be calling her tonight.

She asked about my family. I expected the deep sympathy. She was a wonderful lady at heart.

I told her breifly of the situation politically, but then trailed off and came around to simplify it in that my family was safe.

She said she knew that it would be hard on me so far away and she was praying. I told her thank you. She asked if I was still working, and I said yes. I told her about my visa… she was surprised. She told me that God carries the weight of tomororw, and it’s not our job. I could only tremble at what she might be refering to, but I decided to just accept it as invaluable advice. Because she is so right.

I told her it meant a lot to hear her voice. I asked about her family. Clarence had an injury.. had a surgery to repair his rotary cuff in his shoulder, and while that arm was out he was out of work for three weeks and just getting back on the job but on light duty, unable to life. She said they were having an insurance nightmare because they need a second surgery on his other arm, and they fear the tendons there will be damaged if insurance doesn’t get settled so they can do that. I could hear the stress and axiety in her voice. I hoped my sympathy and deep compassion bled through my voice over the line.

Then she shocked me when she said, We never met, but I want you to know that I miss you. I do love you and I still read your blog….

Huge tears began to spill down my face and even though I’d yelled at myself to be strong, my voice was so strained when I tried to respond. I miss you, too. I think about you every single day. It was the hardest part, not losing Levi himself but also the family that I loved.

She said she was sorry that she made me cry. But that she hoped I was doing well, and to keep in touch. And something was burning on the stove… and the phone call was quickly ended.

I drove home, and I sobbed. I cried bitter, aching, wracking tears of pure anguish, wrenched from my soul. It’s like my heart is being twisted, broken, and wrung out of every ounce of courage I have left.

I hear that she loves me. And even misses me. And tries to check on me.

There are no word for how overwhelmingly grateful I am to God. Because I don’t deserve that. And he didn’t have to let me hear that. But yet on this hard night, he did. And I cried because I miss her, too. I miss my family, that family, the family I dreamed of. And I miss Levi so much but he’s with her. And he’s not coming back to me.

I cried all the way home and all the way getting ready for bed. Even now, blistering, swollen tears sear the front of my shirt as I type. It’s an unending, throbbing pain. Ten months of silence, of moving on, of finding peace in God, and one little conversation can rip me wide open. It just shows that I can heal and grow but that love will never be gone. It’s just as deep as ever.

I read my Bible and prayed a long time tonight. I read Psalams 119… a hundred repeats, David begging God to heal him and save him, and his promise to keep God’s statutes and laws. Then I read in the Old Testament, of God annointing Saul king. Of all the things that God did to prove it was Saul. The verse that caught my attention read, And God gave him another heart, so that after the he was different…

And I cried anew. Is it possible? That God would give someone a different heart today? Not for a nation, but for a family? Not for Israel, but for us?

And that was my prayer as I crawled exhausted into bed… that God would give Levi another heart.

Your star,

Rigel

Nursing Home Story

Nursing Home Story, 12.12.13

Dear Levi,

I was so happy when Lori texted me and asked me to drive her to the nursing home after work. As much as we are different, I really do love that silly, sweet girl who is so self-absorbed. And I love hearing her talk in wonder about the love she is finding in her heart for Trevor. It takes me back. And it gives me hope for the future.

I used the occasion to be on campus to drop off my Christmas cards in the CSC. I wanted so badly to send one to your box, too. But I know that I can’t. You wouldn’t want me to. You told me to leave you alone and let you live your life in peace…. Peace meaning, without me.

I haven’t taken many pictures this year. Honestly…. It doesn’t feel like I’m really living. I know time is passing, but I feel like I am treading in time. Picture scare me. They represent relationships, memories, occassions… life. And I don’t want a life, this life, this one without you. I want to hide in the numbness of nothing and greive over the life that I had, the one I lost.

But on the way to the nursin home, we saw a huge massive glowing Christmas treee, all light up in spectacular glory, and we pulled over to get a picture. It was wonderful. We were laughing and silly and… it was almost like I didn’t hurt inside. Like knowing how sad the picture would make me. And yet, I was glad for it. To have some tangible evidence that there is a friend in my life, a real person who chooses to spend time with me, with Noelle.

But when I went to start the car and keep on going, the key wouldn’t turn in the ignition lock. Twenty tries later… I confirmed the steering wheel wasn’t locked, but the new key from the dealership would not work in the ignition just as it hadn’t worked in the door.

Lori had the idea to call Bro. Don. Who promptly came to take a look and see what he could do. But even for him, the key wouldn’t budge the tumblers. It was humiliating and very frightening. What was going to happen? I was so far away from home.

Bro. Don took us to the nursing home and promised to drive me up into the city to grab the old key from the apartment and bring me back to try it. I was stunned. Did he know how far a drive that was? But he insisted in his gruff, confident way.

It was hard to drive away from Zoila, sitting there in a random parking lot on the south side of the city. I realized somewhat bitterly that this is probably familiar territory for you, if my hunch is correct and Anna lives down here in these nice neighborhoods with the Medranos and you visit on Sundays and Saturdays.

During the service, I sat with Ms. Bowie, my purse on the floor by my feet. And when the service was over, she reached down, picked up my purse, and put it over her shoulder. I had intended to go see Beckah and congratulate her on her engagement and see why she is acting so chilly but now I had to go chase down my purse.

Gently, I tried to explain to Ms. Bowie that it wasn’t her purse. But she looked at me with frightened, childlike eyes. “I don’t think I know where I am.”

I felt so heartbroken for her. “You don’t know where you are?”

“No…. Where is this place? I think I’m lost.”

Gently I took her old, decripit hand and placed it in mine. I tried to reassure her with a smile. “Don’t worry, Ms. Bowie, just come with me and I’ll take you home.”

She was such a graceful, stately old lady. She smiled and nodded uncertainly at the other residents as we passed by. When one old man reached out to pat her shoulder with a friendly hello, she whispered to him, “Do I know you? I think I’m lost. I don’t know where I am. Where are we?”

He just kept wheeling by.

Ms. Bowie looked at me in fright, and tried again to reassure her. “It’s alright. I know where we are and I am going to take you home, okay? You can lie down and feel better soon.”

“Yes, I am tired,” she said, shoulders sagging.

We reached her door with the large garland of poinsettas and gold trim.

Instantly, her eyes lit up and she shoudlers came erect. “I know where I am. This is mine.”

I gently pulled my purse from her shoulder and tried not to be offensive as I gently explained, “This is my purse. Thank you for carrying it for me.”

She was puzzled but let go my hand and opened her door, looking inside. Then she turned and gave me a big hug. “Thank you for helping me find my way home.”

I bit back tears as I walked back to the dining room. One day I would be like that. Part of me already felt like that. Maybe God was holding my hand and leading me, but I feel so old, frail, tired, and utterly lost. Could this really be my life?

Bro. Don drove us to the Christmas light and I prayed as I tried to start the car one more time. I fought and fought and prayed… nothing. Nothing. Again and again I tried. Then suddenly, it turned. On came the engine. I threw on the lights and began to laugh in releif. One less problem for tonight.

Lori was laughing and gave me a hi five as she came running to get in. Bro Don came over and slipped a 50$ bill in my hand before saying goodnight and walking away.

I was… shocked. It was the first person to give me money outside of my parents in so long. In fact, with all the troubles I’ve been in, I can’t recall a single person who has ever given me money to help out since I came to Oklahoma City. Not once.

Until tonight.

Your star,

Rigel

Davina Calls!

Davina Calls 12/10/13

Dear Levi,

Another day. More bad news everywhere I face. My car key isn’t the problem, it’s the locks themselves. The dealership turned me away and now I face a quote of 295$ to fix the car locks and prohibit my theif from taken advantage of my car again. On top of the 250$ repairs to the engine last week. I just don’t have these kinds of funds. Not after Christmas shopping.

Today I put the boxes for my family in the mail. 130$ later, I was back to calls from mortgagor snapping at me because they’ve run themselves into debt. My own medical debt collectors made a call at some point and left a message, as usual. As usual, I erased it without listening. I simply don’t have funds to do anything yet.

It’s warmed  up outside. The siuation in Ukraine is still uncertain. But my parents are okay so far. God is so good to me. I continue to remain restless and want to be there. Surprisingly, Kayla Mattox was the one who seemed the most concerned and texted me nonstop about it. I was sad to hear the get together at their place was cancelled tonight. I would sit down and write out my Christmas cards instead. I wish was sending you one, too. I already sent one to Davina and Clarence, and GiGi. Yours I’ll tuck into the Levi Box, what’s left of it. Next to the card from our anniversary you’ll never get.

I learned today that Kendon is quitting Heartland without finishing this semester. So much for his plans to be a preacher from when he was young. I don’t know who he is anymore. It makes me so sad. I love my little brother. But I don’t understand him. I don’t’ understand anything anymore. I miss Steven, and Nina. I miss their soothing blanket of love and simplicity. I long to be with them in Ukraine today, sit at the table and play cards, drink cinnamin coffee, and discuss politics. Maybe we’d all go to the square together and join the protestors. Steven would keep us safe. Nina would hold my arm. We’d be together.

Song on the radio today made me cry, out of the blue. Tears gushing down my eyes. What did the other drivers see? A girl randomly crying in the middle of the day? I know it doesn’t make sense. But it’s so hard to carry all the heaviness of my world all lone on my little shoulders. I’m so glad for God’s wings to help me carry the load, but I miss having someone here in my own life to lean on as well. There is no choice but to be as strong as I can be.

After work, I checked my phone and saw a voicemail waiting. But no missed call. Data has been iffy today for my phone with the harsh winter storms going on elsewhere.

Davina Leach.

Aunt Davina. Davina Fowler.

My heart literally froze. I figured it would be in regards to the mass text I sent out yesterday, but how could I be sure? I was so scared. More scared of what it was going to do to my heart. What could she say to hurt me, anyways? She hasn’t spoken to me in six months, not since the tornados. Probably hasn’t received the Christmas card yet, either. I wonder if she knows about my letters to GiGi, but part of me doesn’t think so. But I have no idea. What does she think of Anna? Have you told her already? Has she figured it out? Will you be talking about her all Christmas, like you did of me just last year and the year before?

Davina Leach.

So much pain flooded my heart, a wound that is so deep and very much still open.

I drove home to pray before listening to it. I prayed that God would give my heart grace. That he would give me strength to not only hear her words, but to live with them.

The voicemail was soft, gentle, deliciously a haunting memory from conversations almost a year ago now.

Hi, it’s Davina… I’m on my lunch break. I got your message. I’m praying for you and your family, dear. Talk to you later, buhbye.

Twelve amazing seconds.

She never said my name. But she called me dear. And I believe her when she said that she is praying. And she took time from her busy schedule to call… and even leave a message.

So she heard that I still love you, Levi. I hope she remembers that.

I closed my eyes and put the phone on speaker and let the message play over and over again until I memorized the background noise and the inflection of her voice. I let the tears fall, and the sobs shake my body, and I cried out to God.

God, please. Please bring us together again. I want the family that I dreamed of being a part of.

I know that things are hopeless.. I feel the despair every day pushing me down. But what do you do? Trying to be strong. Try to become a better person. And pray. Pray for God to work miracles. Because that’s what it would be. A miracle.

A part of me doesn’t believe anymore.

But a part of me… looking at that voicemail on my phone? Still does.

And yes, Levi, today could be the very day.

Your star,

Rigel

Ukraine Crisis

Ukraine Crisis 12/9/13

Dear Levi,

I’m so scared. My parents messaged me today that the war sirens are on and the EuroMaidan faction is on the verge of splitting my country into civil war as of today. The past week since Yanukovych denied the treaty with the EU in favor of closer ties with Russia, protestors have taken to the streets in resemblance of the days of the Orange Revolution to voice their cry for freedom for the country. Over the weekend, things came to head. Yanukovych banned public assembly, a crime against our freedom of assembly and speech. A million EuroMaidan protestors thronged Independence Square in the Captiol. Across the country, similar crowds gathered in territorial capitol squares. The protestors took over the government hall in Kiev and overturned the black BMW vehicles of the government in Kharkov in front of the city hall. On Sunday, police began blockading Kiev and surrounded the protestors on Independence Square defying the presidential command to disburse. As a blizzard hit and temperatures plummeted, my people stood their ground face to face with their own brothers but an inch from civil war. Sunday night violence broke out as the army assembled and riot police began to attack the civilians on the streets. The bloodshed began when one unarmed protestor was dragged out of the crowd and kicked to death by police.

Monday morning, I received my parents’ message with trepidition. The banks had been closed. Martial law called, the army rolled out, public travel suspended. Citizens were to remain inside and off the streets or be subject to arrest for rebellion against the curfew. Phones across the country were suspended, news stations pulled off the air, and the internet shut down. Private videos from cellphones and personal cameras leaked news of the war between the army and the citizens in the Captiol. By the end of Monday, the president of the EU called for the resignation of the President Yanukovych and his senior staff and stated it was the duty of European nations to stand with the people of Ukraine against such acts of terror and violence from government crimes against the democratic constituion in place. US send envoys to the embassy, the Vice President Biden himself. War raged in the ice cold of night.

Tuesday morning, I awoke to hear the internet was back on. The government troops had raided the news stations that covered the EuroMaidan movement and confiscated their servers, computers, and equipment. Journalists were arrested without warrants. The armed militia locked up the news stations per the order for a suspsension of news coverage during the revolution, another crime against the freedoms of our constitution.

I am so scared.

I wish more than ever that I was home. I’d take to the streets so fast, like when I was fifteen. But I would hold a Ukrainian flag as well as the orange flag, and I would stand for the liberty to pursue life, to pursue freedom, to pursue choice. It is so excruciating for me to be here, to be all alone while Kendon is gone at work all night and I am alone at work all day.

I wanted to text you so badly. I wanted to call, leave a voicemail. Talk to Tim. Anything. But I knew you wouldn’t care, like that day I came to you in Walmart when I was so sick, and you didn’t care. You sent me away to my little brother who cares for me about as little as you. I hit rock bottom that day, and I know now I can never turn to you again. It kills me, when I remember what it felt like to hide in your arms and belive I could trust them, trust you.

But I can’t.

I’m all alone.

I wanted to activate my facebook and post the news reports from the Washington Post and Kyiv Post. I wanted to post on my blog. But I knew you wouldn’t check. I knew you wouldn’t care. The torment was so hard for me. I cried on my way to Panera Bread as I worked a double that night. Slapping sandwhiches together and trying to lead the crew of teenagers more in love with Miley Cyrus’ latest video and their Christmas break plans to care about some random girl and her far-off country.

I came home and prayed. So tired. I know God is in control. I know He is watching my family. I only want to be with them, to be there right now in the midst of this.

I hate being here.

There is no point.

Your star,

Rigel

3 in 1

Christmas Cantatta 12/8

Levi Wearing My Sweater 12/8

Tears and Home Alone 12/8

Dear Levi,

This is like three letters in one. Today was the Christmas Cantatta/Jubilee. It’s the first year I’ve seen it, since usually they don’t have it until Heartland is already dismissed for Christmas break. But we’ve been working so hard to prepare as a choir, and part of me was so happy that you would be there to hear us, Levi.

It was really quite something. You have no idea how lucky you are to be in America, where they have fine instruments and conducting and vocal talent and lyrics and buildings with such acoustics. As I sang, I thought of being a small child and singing into the snow at night for some version of soundback. Who would have dreamed that I would be here.

I ended up wearing red. Ugly, flamboyant, red. I wore a pretty black pencil skirt and my suede boots and a long black cardigan to help offset the ugly red tank. But even my black lava and pearl necklace didn’t make me feel any better. Ugh, red.

I picked up Lori Withrow at 3pm to take her along since the Heartland choir was practicing, too. Of course, she was floating on cloud nine since becoming “official” with Trevor Heddon at the Chrstmas Banquet. It was easy to make her happy and keep the story going and going to fill the drive. I was so lucky to have her friendship, seeing as how just last semester Trevor hated my guts with all the other WalMart gang. It might have been a stroke of luck, but I relished it. At least one of them was my friend. Tim might have been coming that way, at least that’s what I’d thought when he attacked me that Sunday night at the Hainlines, but apparently not sine he’d kept his distance ever since. Typical.

When I mentioned my car being robbed, and GiGi’s mom’s pearls being taken, Lori was horrified but looked puzzled. “Why did you have them? I mean, you guys aren’t together at all.”

It cut deep. That she had no clue that I still love you today as much as ever before. And that you were the one who walked away… or at least, since we disagree on that point… the one who stayed away. And continues to run away.

It was a hard sermon in church that morning, when I saw you and Anna sitting in my side of the balcony. Why there? But I would never know. Pastor Gaddis was preaching on how to restore a relationship with God and people, and the first priority was forgiveness. Right there in front of the whole church the tears jumped out and I began to weep. Because you’ll never forgive me. And we’ll never have a resotred relationship. You’ve gone too far. We’ll never be okay.

That night, when we sang, and everyone clapped, I spotted Levi and Anna back on their side. And he didn’t clap, but put his arms in his pockets, and that made me so sick. That he loathed me so much.

But even worse… he was wearing a stunning dark purple sweater vest, warm and trendy and gorgeous with the snow weather. And I knew that sweater. I knew the feel of it. I knew the way it would smell on his skin. Because I’d bought it for him, it had been on of the gifts I gave him at the West when we met there alone to make up our relationship in the winter.

It was like I was choking on bile.

My sweater. My sweater. My sweater.

As he sat there, with Anna.

I felt the tears jump and my lips tremble again, for the second time in public. But I was too stunned this time to break down in tears. I pushed them back into my head and gripped my folder and tried not to think. I told myself, it’s okay. It was a gift.

These are to keep you warm, sweet prince, while my arms are not there to do it.

And he was wearing it with her.

It took me all of my determination to focus my wild panic to the one comfort, at least he was still wearing my stuff. He hadn’t thrown it out. And it was keeping him warm. He was warm… because of me.

Church ended, and everyone began pouring out, like ants boiling from an anthill. And everyone had plans with their roommies, because it is the last week, and everyone was too busy to talk… and I stood there watching them all run about and I felt so, so invisible.

I didn’t even know where Levi and Anna headed off to, they cleared out so fast.I gathered my little binder and looked around. I’d been hoping for Tim, to test those waters, for any sign that God might be doing something. But even he was gone.

I walked outside to my car, sliding and shaking on the ice, and sat inside the darkness and coldness and began to cry. I turned on the engine and let it sit and watched people pour out of church. I saw this little old couple supporting each other over the ice, and I sobbed harder. Because Levi didn’t want to be there for me. Not now, and not when I am old. And that is coming so fast.

I drove to our park, and I sobbed the life out of me.

Then I drove home, because I was parched and wearied and exhausted. And Kendon was at work, now, and I felt scared and alone as I walked inside and quickly bolted the door. The only plus was I could turn up the heat to 85 degrees and actually go to sleep warm fore once. Patrick said hi, and I looked at my little fish, and I missed his dad even more.

I pulled out my Bible and read… and it talked about God giving good gifts to His children. About seeking, knocking… and finding. God, I haven’t found anything. There is nothing except this huge void. This huge nothingness of my existence. And it’s going to kill me. I crawled into bed, facing another double at work tomorrow, and the weariness was out of hand. God, help. I am so alone.

Your star,

Rigel

A Blur of Time

A Blur of Time. 11.24.13 -12.07.13

Dear Levi,

So much has happened… but I have no strength to write. You went to Stillwater? And put pics up on Facebook I can see. You looked like it was fun. I hope so. (11.24) We had a big snowstorm… it made things complicated for work. But I managed. I hope you did, too. I wish you were here to wip my windows and share hot chocolate, but I’m sure you stay busy with Anna’s needs now.  (11.24) I spent a night at the Mattoxes that was fun, as usual. I didn’t know it would be the last one for a while. I made the mistake of giving my number to Marcos somebody, and he began aggressively and unchivalrously pursuing me. Great… (11.26) And continued to text me and ask me out… and even arranged with Kayla and Eric to set me up on a blind date at Waffle House Wednesday night after church. Great. It was so awkward. I tried my best to not hate them for it, but I was so humiliated. That night I shut him down hard and I hope that will be the last of it. I am afraid it will ruin my friendship with Eric and renewed friendship with Kayla. (11.27)

I had another first… The Grande Skirkin Hotel for Thanksgiving lunch with Kendon. He is so distant. I tried to talk to him and have a nice lunch but he spent most of his time on his phone. It was expensive and lonely… but I tried. (11/28) Black Friday I spent with Kate Walley. It was the funnest thing I’ve done in a long time. I was thinking about you the whole time, praying for your safey and strength. I stayed in Norman and Penn Mall for my shopping and got it all done. I was so exhausted from the all-nighter and ended up driving back down to Norman at 3am to buy a blue-green coat with toggles that reminded me of Washignton. The highway was so empty and I was so lonely, it was hard not to think about putting my car through another wall. But I just prayed… and prayed… and tried not to think until the night ended and I dragged my feet into work. Somehow I made it thorugh a double at Midland and Panera through the headaches, knowing I couldn’t be as tired as you... (11/28) The next 3 nights I worked doubles at work, broken only by a long day at church trying not to look your way. The exhaustion matched the emptiness in my head and heart. (11/29)

You went to the Antique Mall on 23^rd street, right near my job. I bet you didn’t know. And I was just there not long ago. It made me so sad, and yet it made me smile. I spent the day working a double at work. You were in a hoodie hanging out. I hope it was a good day for you… no matter who you were with (11.20)

And how can I write about the Unexpected Chapel Encounter? When I deliberately chose the highest seat in the grandstands where Bailey and Kate insisted you never sat? And yet there you came with your friends I don’t know and sat right in front of me. That was hard. I was glad to slip away after videoing Bailey and Manddii’s speacial, because you looked so… annoyed and mad. That I exist. I’m so sorry, Levi. I’m so sorry. I tried to sit where I wouldn’t hurt you. (12/3)

And then…. My Car was Robbed Again. And I had to file another report with the police and Isola Bella. Nothing was taken that I can find, but it still makes me scared. So scared. Where are you when your girl needs you? I’m so glad God is here for me… (12/5)

Another Big Snow Storm (12/5). But they didn’t cancel banquet night (12.6) and as hard as I looked on facebook, I couldn’t find pictures of you and Anna. But I know you were there. Because your car wasn’t at Walmart. I checked, against my better wishes. And I went to a park and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. The emptiness is like a cancer inside. All I can do is pray. Last Christmas banquet was so horrible… except I had you. And your tears I tried to stop, and you gave me white roses and Oswald the penguin, who is now gone forever since they stole him… I hope this one was better for you…

I miss you. This isn’t living.

Your star…

Rigel

Breakthru W Tim Mickey

Breakthru with Tim Mickey, 11.24.12

Dear Levi,

Sunday came, and I went to church in a new outfit I bought in the clearance cast off’s at Target with the prize money from being Top Rookie at Midland. I hoped I looked beautiful for you. I wore a black pencil skirt but it had intricate fluer de lis patterns embroidered into the fabric. And the blouse was loose and flowing white and gold circles, like a Grecian princess. I wore my black diamond suede boots too and curled my hair. You would have been so impressed… but you weren’t there. Anna sat alone with her snotty friend Brittany. I wondered if you were sick and sent an extra prayer heavenward.

After church, Melissa Hainline invited me and Kendon to their mk gathering that night. The last one of the semester.. and I didn’t want to go, I was so tired, but I couldn’t think of a graceful excuse. So I approached Kendon, and he turned me down cold, and I drove off for 10^th street that night in the dark and cold all alone. I’d stay just a few minutes, and then go home and crash. I was so exhausted I wondered if the makeup helped at all or if it was all just pointless? The weariness was deep deep into my fingers and bones.

When I pulled up to the house, there were people already there. I shut off the enine, decided to leave my purse, and walked up the slippery drive. Everything had iced over in the recent temperature nosedive. I knocked on the door and shivered, longing for the light and warmth inside.

The door opened, and it was Tim Mickey. He took one look at me and shut the door promptly in my face.

The shock… it was staggering. Sure, I’d always run the risk of seeing him here. But it’d never happened before. And that he just shut the door in my face? Tears jumped into my eyes and my heart squeezed uneasily. I felt sick, so sick. Was it so horrible that I existed?

I was going to just turn around and go back to my car and spare him the annoyance of my presence when he yanked the door back open and tried to laugh it off as a joke.

What kind of joke is that?

I hesitated, then decided to keep my pride. I stepped inside, in the glory of my severe black coat, sexy belt, and sexy bots, and leveled him a cool, composed look.

“Sorry, Tim, but you’ll just have to get over the fact that I am here.”

And I let my coat drop off and began slowly unzipping my boots as if I didn’t see him anymore, definitely not very Heartland approved in cat-like posture. But I decided I was going to completely ignore him, and when I had my boots off and was standing in shimmery black nylons, I flounced away into the kitchen without looking at him like I would have looked at Levi, unable to resist his magnet. Tim was different. He held no spell on me without Levi nearby, although my stomach was doing acrobatic flips.

Tim! Tim! Tim!

I walked into the kitchen and ignored my shaking, icy fingers. I ignored my stomach. I ignored the memory of the dreams I used to have about Tim, about making out with him, about the way I imagined his kisses would boil my blood with desire.

Because back in the days of weakness, he was always with Levi, and they became inseperable not only in real life but also in my life. And when I dreamed of kissing Levi, soon his face became blurred with that of his twin, until soon I couldn’t distinguish them and had a total meltdown. Thank God for Gabby, who listened to my humiliated breakdown and helped me sort out my feelings and explain my weird dreams.

But it was no less embarressing, months later, to see that my twisted self conscious still thought about him in the way it thought about Levi, with incensent longing and curiosity. Oh, dang being a girl!

And maybe being a girl, I had this vague, unshakable feeling that Tim was following me with his eyes all night. More than that, I had a feeling that he was deliberately trying to catch my attention. It was absolutely baffling. He hated me. Levi was happy with Anna. Why even bother anymore?

As I clung to Lenichka like a shadow, I wondered if this is what it felt like to Levi back in the spring when my eyes followed him, too. But at least he knew why. He knew how deeply the pain ran, how desperately I longed to fix things. But I had no clue what lay behind the cool, imperious eyes of Tim.

Since the biggest point of coming to the Hainlines was to hang out with Lenichka, she was quick to pull me into easy conversation in Russian as we made coffee in the kictchen. Tim was of course, following me there, and although I was trying my best to keep my back to him and pretend like I didn’t see his presence at all, I’m pretty sure it was him who went, “Wow!” and began to speak in another language, too. I had to roll my eyes on the inside at the pettiness of it. Wasn’t this a foreign student gathering, anyway? What was the big deal with having a second language being used in casual conversation between two unpopular girls? It made me uncomfortable.

I followed Lenichka to the fireplace to put my stuff down. My cup was an old one with doodles of “I Love Levi” all over it, and my face burned painfully, wondering what Tim would think if he saw it. But I was safe over here in the little corner on the floor before the fireplace, everyone else was crowding around the new leather sofas or the food on the dining room table.

The night began with prayer and then a line for food. And the strange events picked up right away. When I tried addressing Mrs. Hainline in regards to the Kenyan soup she was serving, Tim appeared in the conversation out of nowhere. The uneasiness made my appetite lag. Why was he so eager to explain the poor beef stew? Just because it was foreign didn’t make it cool to me. I could talk of hours of borsct, laghkman, or okroshka, exotic and fancy Russian soups that made this one pale in comparison to awesomeness. Not that I cared to do so. Because what was the point? No one cared. Not even me.

I was happy to scurry to the corner and join Lenichka… and appalled when Amanda Mickey, who had always given me the cold shoulder at the other get togethers, joined us… and Tim.

What in the world?

I was so uncomfortable at his proximity I wondered if it didn’t scream from my flaming red cheeks. I busied myself with dipped the bread in the stew and keeping my eyes on the group. Thanks to Levi and Anna’s first row spectacles in church, I was well trained on keeping my eyes to the ground. I didn’t look up to find out if Tim was looking at me or if I was just imagining the whole thing. But the sense of dread in my stomach was enough. He had chosen to sit by me, when he had a whole room of popular people and more comfortable places to choose. It was my own personal nightmare.

How many months had I looked towards him across the distance and felt knives being plunged into my stomach? How many times had I just been eating in the caffeteria, lonely as a wraith, and looked up to see him dragging Levi out of my proximity and out the door like I was a disgusting poison? How many times did I see them goofing off, laughing, hanging out, when that was my place? How many pictures did Levi take down of me and put up of him and Tim? And what about that excruciating day of my graduation when Tim wouldn’t even talk to me without a great deal of hesitation and the requirement of a third person present? I had never felt lower or more dispicable at the hands of anyone else… except Levi himself. And all summer I cried, dreading Tim coming back. Dreading that ruining of best friends that had replaced me. God had been mericiful and spirited me away to Ukraine… but now I was back, and Tim had moved his seat in church from my area to the balcony to the center aisle with his sister. Just like I was a poison. And if we crossed paths in the hall, his eyes were cool and hesistant, carefully calculating me before offering a returning flicker of a smile.

He was the cause for so many anguished, bitter, pitiful tears.

In the typical way that a boy tries to get a girl’s attention when she’s not giving it to him, he kept trying to jump into the conversation all night long. Whenever that happened, I made sure to give his commentary no significant response but always drew in someone else’s opinion.

At one point he did manage to lock me down into a one-on-one question. He directed the question to me by name. “Noelle, how many languages to you speak, anyways? You’re bilingual, right?”

I wanted to crawl under the carpet and die. The verse from 1 Corinthians jumped to my mind, but I couldn’t tell him what I really wanted to. “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.” Why did it matter how many languages I spoke, when Levi would never say “ya tebyla lublyu” to me again? What was the point of knowing other languages?

“Russian… Ukrainian… Then English… And Russian Sign language, I learned that as a teenager to work in the deaf ministry.” I shrugged, looking at the carpet, face burning. Please don’t ask me anything else about me. I don’t want you to know me. Please, don’t.

But I guess I surprised him enough. “Whoa, that’s like… quadlingual!”

“Yeah, I… guess.”

Somehow I felt selfcentered. Since I might never have the chance to find out anything about him ever again, I decided to direct the question back to him. “What about you? What do you speak in Africa?”

He was so enthusiastic to tell me about Swahili. And about how his city, Nakuru, was one of the fastest growing cities in the world. The inner little Noelle shook her head sadly, but didn’t bother voicing her thoughts, that Ukraine has a negative growth rate and it was dying off faster than any other country in the world.

But no one cared about Ukraine.

Tim told me that he was going to be a missionary back to Africa, and his dream was to go to the Congo. I shifted the focus of the conversation to include a third person and asked his sister, Amanda, since she was being polite to me tonight, what she wanted to do after college. To my surprise she just shrugged and said she didn’t know. I’d have thought she was as gung-ho to be a missionary as her brother. Interesting.

During the evening, I learned the very first things I would ever know about Levi’s new best friends. Amanda worked the jewelry counter at Walmart. Tim no longer unloaded with Levi, but now worked in the pharmacy and spoke about the drug-addicts he dealt with each day. With my previous knowledge from Lori that Trevor wasn’t an unloader any more, either, that meant the happy little band had broken up. Which surprised me, even though it couldn’t have lasted forever. But in my mind, I saw Tim and Anna pulling a pallet of boxes from the break room and Levi inside with Trevor and me, crying and shaking in agony, begging them to go get Levi. And the way Anna rolled her eyes, and the clear hesitance in Tim’s steps, and the guarded, annoyed look that appeared on Levi’s face. It would haunt me forever, the night I would realize he had shut me out. The night I realized I was on the outside of a secret gang that I knew nothing about and was powerless to overcome. The night he took my notes down from Santana… the night I finally gave up.

And here we were.

In the strangest, most painful night of my life.

I should have just gotten up and left. Faked not feeling good. Excused myself to Lenichka and the Hainlines. But part of me was terrified to move. So I stayed still and kept my head down and smiled and laughed and kept up with the conversation as if I didn’t have a care in the world. He would never again see me without the defenses up. No matter what it cost me.

And then the night came to an end.

Brother Hainline had us go around and give something we’re thankful for. Public speaking always has a way of bringing out nerves in even the most confident person, except for me, and I sat there playfully flipping around wording in my head for what I would say and looked down to see Tim’s hands clutching the carpet.

Strong hands. Scarred hands. White hands, with a flush of red. Tough hands for such a small body. Fingers running againt the grooves of the other hand in nervousness, such a small but significant gesture of humanity. And in that moment, I was captivated. I stared at his hands, clenching and unclenching in anxiousness for his turn, and I was seeing Levi’s hands. The part of him I loved the best. And I saw weakness, I saw opening, I saw vulnerability. I saw youth. I saw how young Tim is, and for the first time, I saw him putting effort into keeping th cool façade.

If it wasn’t for that, that moment of watching him clench his hands in nerves, I would have never have stayed later when he wanted me to. I’d have been long gone.

I said I was grateful for my coworker getting saved. I hope you tell that to Levi, that the guy I was with was just a coworker. And that I am witnessing at work with more results than him this year, and maybe he’ll remember last year. Maybe he’ll remember me!

Tim said he was grateful for his dad. And for everything he learned, and all the regret for the things he didn’t learn back when he had the chance.

Amanda said she was grateful for her brother, Tim.

Another little piece of my heart melted. That’s what I would have said about Steven. And that’s what every guy should say about his dad, the way I feel about mine. It was the first thing I heard about them that I liked, that I could relate to… that touched my heart.

And there was something about the way Amanda leaned her head on Tim’s shoulder that made my heart squeeze. It wasn’t a flippant “I love my brother” because he’s cool or popular or it makes me look girlie. But it was the kind of love that was born of trust, born of protection. And I envied them so badly… I miss Steven so much.

And then it was time to go. Happily. But I had to ask Tim for my coat, since it was stashed behind him near the hearth, and I said goodbye to Lenichka who was running for the door and her ride first before beginning to unzip it to put it on.

I guess the night could have ended there and been pretty crazy enough. But it didn’t. Because Tim hadn’t moved but spoke out to me again, standing a few feet away unable to get to the door thanks to the little demons (I mean kids) playing with toys on the ground.

“How are you doing, Noelle?”

I wondered if I’d heard right. Was he honestly so keen on getting me on a one-on-one conversation? What was it to him and Levi how I was? Was he testing me? Or what? A thousand confusing and fearful thoughts flooded my head. But I merely looked over at him and gave a thin, polite smile. “Just fine, thanks.”

Please move your stupid kids so I can go. Who knows were the parents were.

“Are you really… doing alright?”

I slowly turned, shock tingly down my spine, and looked at him dead-on for the first time all night. He was obviously desperate. No one would try that twice. And as I stared at him, my face as blank as I could manage, I saw something I’d never seen before in his eyes. Openness.

“Really, I’m fine, Tim. God has been very good to me.” Code for, you and your friends broke my life and there’s nothing left but God’s arms and unclear soverignty to fall into each night in the loneliness and nothingness.

I felt selfish again. Plus, diverting would be a good tactic. “How are you doing?”

I expected the usual Christan blithe answer. Fine, thanks, doing well. And then I would just push past the miniature monsters and their blocks and be away from the confusing proximity of Tim Mickey.

But he didn’t. “It’s been a really hard semester,” he said instead.

And from that moment on is a blur. I remember just seeing his hands, like a little boy’s, like Levi’s, like someone I cared about. I remembered my heart softening at his honesty as he began to pour out words. I stood there and let him talk… eventually my feet got tired and so I just sat down on the hearth with him. But that was awkward so I ended up on the floor at his feet, looking up at him, inches away, almost like we were real friends.

And he spent… twenty whole minutes… pouring out to me his troubles from the last months. It wasn’t until he said that he had lost his best friend, Levi Fowler (as if I didn’t know who it was) that I understood why he was telling me everything. And why me.

Apparently being an RA is harder than it looks… having to deal with ridicule from the guys who don’t appreciate the deans’ suggestions. Having to put up with hearing guys bad talk the deans. Having to lose friends. And apparently the whole atmosphere was getting to him, as he told me of the guy he rode with to work who complained about the school and used bad language, about the guys in class who goofed off in their answers and made him mad… I had the feeling that Tim was very mad and frustrated inside.

Part of me was cautious. I loved Heartland. I wasn’t like the Crossbearers who went around badtalking the school. So even though there are definitely losers there (aka Tim himself, up until twenty minutes ago, Levi and Anna and Brittany) there are a lot of good kids just trying to do something for God. I didn’t want to jump on the gossip badwagon.

But I had a feeling he was just trying to tell me about himself. Not about him and Levi. Or me and Levi. But just about him. It was… baffling.

Finally I asked, softly, “Tim why are you telling me all this?”

He just looked frustrated. “I don’t know! But it’s all just in my head…” and he kept on going.

I wish that my mind didn’t blank out when people talk to me. Honestly… I only remember a miniscule percentage of the conversation.

But I knew enough. Tim was alone. He was hurting. He was seeking God. And he was slightly, in a way, worried about me.

He asked about Kendon… finallyI was able to talk with someone about my worries. Since Tim is an RA, I tried to keep things light, but, I asked him to pray for him. Tim suggested it was the University that caused the problems. But it wasn’t. I knew what it was. I just could never say. Because no one would believe me.

I finally got a chance to speak. I told him that I knew where he was at. I’d been there. I told him things weren’t easy for me now, even, unable to go home. But I told him to look to God… that sometimes, when you look back at your darkest days, they are your very best.

And then I asked him what he was doing for Thanksgiving, and he said he didn’t know.

Part of me knew I’d be yelling at myself later, but part of me was just so tired of the war I’d never meant to start in the first place. I can still see Tim before the smoke, on the first day I met him, sitting outside the caffeteria, when Levi pointed him out as his new coworker. I went over to interrogate him and ask him to take care of my best friend. At that moment, I’d imagined we’d all be friends. I’d had no clue of what things would really turn out like…

I invited him over to mine and Kendon’s. I told him we probably wouldn’t do much, but, last Thanksgiving I was alone and it wasn’t the way to go.

He looked at me cautiously, then admitted, “I don’t think it would be allowed.”

Well, well. I’d never really been friends with an R.A. before. Obviously, this was complicated.

And then Tim picked up his glass and acted like he was ready to end the conversation. My head was still ringing with the torrent of information he’d given me.. his favorite book, The Pursuit of God by W.A. Tozer, Levi’s favorite author… random, rambling facts I couldn’t grasp coherently. He’d never really asked for my response. He seemed ready to just walk away.

And unlike Levi, I let him.

I put on my gloves and turned and walked out the door. Out to my car, and I sat there. For a good ten minutes. And then he wasn’t coming out, and I wasn’t sure what I was waiting for in the dark, anyways, so I drove home.

But when I got home and got in bed… there was nothing. No sleep. No peace. No rest. I tossed and turned and ran the night over and over and over again in my head, until my tortured brain screamed at me to stop. But I couldn’t. Because I’d never spoken with him since he became Levi’s bestest friend. Since they left me all alone. And it was as close as I’d ever come to having Levi himself speak to me… and my mind couldn’t handle it.

Because it wasn’t Levi.

And yet, it was so much more than I was ready for.

It was a long, wearying night.

I didn’t sleep one minute.

Your star,

Rigel