Pray with Me

Dear Levi,

1.20.2014

Sunday night, we texted. I told him that I was afraid of him walking away. He told me that I was very noticeable, and a wonderful person. It confused me. Why did he have to be so nice? He shouldn't care about me at all. And I didn't need compliments. Levi would never look at me again. I tried to keep the conversation light by sending him pix of Patrick, and then he said that he was a nobody RA. That made me sad. I tried to encourage him, and then he fell asleep on me. =)

Monday morning, I awoke from screaming nightmares. Screaming for Levi, for Tim, for the past to not happen. My throat was raw and my head was pounding. It was hard to breathe, chest pains so bad I was afraid I was having a heart attack. And I'm only twenty four. He asked how often it happened, and I told him it was more often. And definitely more often with stress.... which meant, with him in my life. But I didn't say it aloud. He wouldn't understand.

I tried to encourage him for classes, then ran off to work. I put down a rule in my head that I would not text him at work. It would start a bad habit. He texted me inbetween classes, which surprised me. I didn't expect him to think about me around his other friends. He had Intro to Biblical Counseling, Eschatology, Anthropology and then Joshua/Judges/Ruth. What a full day. It made me miss the classes I never got and long so badly to go back.

He was happy on break, and then he went to work. Apparently, he loves hot tea. Well, that is useful since we drink it so much in Ukraine.

I went to hang out with Bailey and Pearl and buy a fish, but I was so tired and my headache was ridiculous. I could barely see, the pain was so bad. Tim was tired on his break, and I sent him a picture of the sunset.

I actually ended up at Walmart so they could do shopping, and I timidly passed the pharmacy. I didn't see him. I wouldn't have had the guts to go say hi, anyways. I saw my enemies.... all of them, except for Levi. I miss you so much, babe. Where are you??????

When I went home, I let the tears fall down. So sad. So alone. I wanted to sleep but Kendon had left the apartment a mess, so first I cleaned and scrubbed. Then I curled up on the couch and began to write on the blog and eventually fell asleep.

I woke up to Tim getting off work, almost ten o'clock at night. We talked about the fish Bailey picked out, and teased each other. At one point, when I was afraid the teasing was going too far, I backed off. But he said he thought I was sweet. It made me smile sadly. Sweet. Like my dad's nickname, Sweetpea. Like how I loved Levi, my sweet prince.

I told Tim that I missed Steven the way Amanda loved on him. He seemed to like that. I miss my brother. I wish Tim could meet him.

He asked me how much I sleep. It was so funny and I felt awkward. He didn't need to worry about my health. But I tried to be honest. And when he asked about the nightmares, I turned him gently away and told him he didn't know a lot of my story yet. I gave him the lyrics from my hymn, How Firm a Foundation.

I was worried to wear Tim out. Like Levi had eventually gotten tired and then mad with me and then left me. He said he had to stay up to do lights out. That tickled me. I had never been friends with an RA. I was teasing him about it, but he came back really strong and finished with, "Why don't you just go to sleep?"

I froze.

All the playfullness evaporated. I could hear my dad yelling at me. Brad. And Levi. Why don't you just leave me alone?

Tears pooled in my eyes and made the headache worse.

Apparently, he had been teasing and tried to explan, but I could barely see through the tears. When he tried to backtrack, I cried harder. Why do I ruin everything? I told him he scares me. I couldn't tell him it is because in my nightmares, he is always standing over me gloating, triumphant, at the wedding of Levi and Anna.

He offered to call. And I wanted him to. But I was afriad of making things worse, since it was even harder to understand him over the phone.

"I'm not angry, honey I promise. Make what things worse?" he asked so gently.

It freed me, it broke me. "I feel so stupid and just... scared. For you to go away again. And I can't follow. I'm not welcome in your world."

"You are more than welcome in my world."

Except that I wasn't. And I told him. And he called me. We tried to talk about it, but I kept crying. It was so hard to be friends with him and not feeling all the pain, all the fear of making a wrong move. He told me about his call to go to the Congo, and it was incredible. So, so, incredibe.

"Noelle, I'm here for you. I have to go do lights out night but if you need me, you call me, ok?"

I couldn't promise.

"Noelle, promise me."

"I'll try...." I whispered.

"No, that's not what I said. Promise you'll call me, Noelle."

Why? Why did he have to make me promise? Because I would learn to trust him and then one day, he wouldn't be there. Just like Levi. I wouldn't be welcome to call him anymore. I would need to call him, to have him there for me, like tonight I needed Levi and I wouldn't be welcome to call anymore. I hung up, sobbing.

I ended up curled up on the bathroom floor, heaving in a panic attack, blood dribbling from my bitten lips. Everything hurt. I needed to calm down, but I couldn't. Levi. You left me. You left me. You left me, broken.

Poor Tim.

He was still texting me, that he was there, trying to be positive. But I needed him to be real. So I asked him to call and pray with me. That's what I needed. I needed prayer, not promises that would some day be reversed.

And he called, and he prayed. It was the most beautiful, the most sincere and broken hearted prayer I've heard. I never knew someone could pray like that in real life, with someone they don't know. He prayed about being so little and helpless but he prayed like God really, really cared. And he prayed for me. He prayed a long, long time. Earnest and soft and just..... strong, when I needed a friend to be strong.

When he was ready to hang up, I realized I was falling asleep. My brain was shutting down. It was too much trauma. Too much stress. He laughed at my sleepiness.

"Goodnight my beautiful friend, I won't text you till you text me that you're awake =) Okay? I don't want to wake you. Lala salama. =)"

And I let the tired, sad tears roll to my pillow and said the words in my head. Beautiful friend. Friend, beautiful. I fell asleep, then realized I had sent him the text that I only thought was in my head.

"Spokoinoi nochi moyemu drugu, bil vrag i teper, moi vozlublyennii. Goodnight, Tim."

Your star,
Rigel