Texting

Dear Levi,


1.15.14


Remember how you once told me that you didn't want anyone to have a chance to think badly of me? I kept thinking about Lenichka's disapproving eyes as she looked at Tim walking away to join his friends. As unfair as it was, I felt guilty. He could hurt me... I was used to it. But I'd never hurt him before, and he wouldn't be used to it. I was going to destroy the testimony I am trying to build.


So as much as I didn't want to, on the way to IHOP with the Hogues, I decided to respond to his dormant, yet unanswered question.


That means yes, I presume. Why did you do that?


So I thought out a good response for what had transpired. And then I said a prayer, and squeezed my eyes, and sent it.


I believe my words have been unkind to you, and I do not intend for them to be so. I was unprepared for you tonight. I am so sorry.


That said it best. Unprepared. It's not like I expected him to stalk me on the front row of the balcony over something that had been anonymously done.


He didn't take too long to respond, which surprised me.


Don't worry about it. You're fine! =)


I stared dubiously at that. Why the exclamation point? He wasn't ever exclaimable when talking to me. Was the smile for reassurance, or was he really happy about the whole thing? I opted for caution.


Sure?


Are you okay?


That responding text surprised me. What in the world, Tim. I was asking about you, and you go hand me that penetrating question again! Why do you always ask that? Why? It's not like you ask "how are you" which has a completely different connotation. And it leaves the sense that something is not okay.


I tried to balance texting with talking to the Hogues. It was the worst possible time to be texting Tim for the first time, because they were delayed and I couldn't concentrate too much. While I was figuring out where in the world that question came from, he followed it up.


Ya. =)
Really though, are you ok?


Oh. I suddenly understood. That was in response to my question, and then he must have been wondering about my sanity before I asked him if he was sure everything was fine between us. Texts were just delayed. What was I supposed to tell him? It was simpler to tell him, "Yes, it's all great!" but that felt so wrong. He should know. He just should.
But why did he always ask? It bothered me. Part of me still wondered if he was on a scouting mission for Levi.... or Anna.... or what.


Every time you see me, you ask me that. Have I a sign over my head that I can't see?


I don't know, I sense something though. Maybe I'm wrong?


Or maybe you're just perceptive. Are you okay?


I would give him the tiniest admission that he was right, that he didn't need to second guess himself. But I wasn't comfortable talking about it. It would just make our relationship so complicated, and all I want is a simple, normal friendship. I hoped my question would distract him.


God is soooooo good to me! He's working on my heart about some stuff, but I'm doing awesome! He's so faithful!


I was jealous of his answer. It was so evasive. Honest enough to admit some things were going on, but with a major emphasis on God in his life. And, I decided, he must be an exclamation point guy in texting. Hmm. Who'd have known.


What's wrong?


Dang. I hadn't responded fast enough. What was his problem! I quickly sent out the response I'd been trying to text between answering questions at the dinner table.


I'm glad to hear that. He is very, very good all of the time. =)


There. That was pretty good, right? Left no elusion to anything else. And a smiley face.


Well, if you ever need to talk, I'm willing to listen.


Ha. Success. He was backing down. But I got engaged in the conversation going on in real life, and saw another text before I could respond. Seriously.


And if you ever need a friend........


That scared me.
Why the trail of dots? What did that hanging sentence imply? And why was he offering his friendship, as if I didn't have friends already? As if something was lacking in my life? And he was just continuing to pull at the question I would never answer, are you really okay.


I was so tired of this. I just sent truth. The truth in a small nutshell. Not the, 'Tim, I'm heartbroken over Levi and I'm dying inside over Anna and I'm thinking about killing myself all of the time, but I know I can't and I'm afraid I'm going crazy.'


I sent to words.


Just scared.


Like a whisper from a child. From the little Noelle that Levi abandoned. Would he hear it? Would he know it meant so much more?


Of what?


HIs question was to the point. Hard to figure out what he thought of my reply. Either he was waiting until he had more facts to make a decision, or maybe it was just curiosity. Or something. I couldn't figure it out. I would have to be more evasive. Because there was no way I was telling him what I was scared of. Of my nightmares, waking up soaked in sweat from servicing a mortgagor account to Levi and Anna's home in Washington. The screams for Levi, the nightmares about kissing Tim. There was no way.


The past.... and the future. And the present, too.


I said it like that. Because he knew the past; he might guess the future. And it would confirm there was something going on. But I needed to redirect the conversation.


Can I ask something of you?


Sure.


No questions, no attacking what I had just said. Just a calm reply. It helped me be honest.


Can we just start over fresh?  Like we never knew each other.... before?


Why?


His question surprised me. Surely he would get the point! It would be so much simpler if we weren't always hurting each other! Or him... hurting me, which caused me.... to hurt him back. But if it made no difference to him, then he needed to get the point that things were not okay for me how they were between us now. That the past wasn't a flippant issue to me.


It would be easier for me.


Please, Tim. Please.


I've never had anything against you, noel, don't think that way.... but if that's what you wish....


All those leading dots again. Driving my mind crazy wondering where they lead. Why did he always defend himself? At some point, I expected him to give in and coincide that maybe, maybe, he could see all the damage he'd done. He never could. And it blamed it on my perspective, my thinking. I couldn't blame him, but it made me feel even farther away from him on poles of thinking. At least he was agreeing, to an extent, apparently grudgingly so.


I couldn't do it anymore. Just seeing him write my name, the way he used it in a sentence... it brought back too many memories of Levi using it before he started calling my his princess. He used to call me Noelle, all the time. I loved it. He even wrote that blog post about my name, my favorite post ever. And seeing Tim use it, just as deliberately.... I was going to start sobbing soon. I grasped at humor to help save the conversation.


Well, if we are going to be friends, I need you to do one thing for me ok?


What's that?


My name is Noelle. =) It's French. So now you can spell it right. =)


I was slightly offended at the thought that he probably stored my number in his phone spelled wrong. Didn't he notice my signature on the card I gave him? Ugh. Noelle is so much more feminine!


Well Noelle, my name is Tim and I can't spell! So I'm going to fix that. =) how are you?


There we go. An easy, simple question. Day saved. I couldn't help but smile at his exclamation points. I kept trying to picture how he would say it in real life, but I couldn't.


I'm amused, at the moment. =) How are you?


How so? I'm ever so blessed.


I loved how he said it. So.... vintage, so perfect. So much like Levi.


I hope you are always this optimistic, it's infectious. =)


I try to be. =) but hey we all have bad days, right?


Bad years, too.  I couldn't help being Eyore.


But with Jesus we have hope for tomorrow!


Ha. I have lived for so many tomorrows, Tim, and they never come. I couldn't help the sadness. How could it be deteriorating so soon? I tried to keep it hidden.


Amen. =)


There. A simple, happy statement. I returned to the conversation at the table. I was surprised when I saw another message, on a completely different note.


Hang in there, friend. The teacher is always quiet during a test.


What in the world. Still hammering at me that I'm not okay. Part of me hated it... part of me desperately needed it.


Thank you. =) Maybe someday we will talk about it. =)


Which was code for, I can't talk about it now. Please stop referring to the pain I'm in. Please. Act like everything's okay like everyone else. Isn't it easier to have conversations that way, anyways?


Perhaps, until then, remain faithful to God and He will remain faithful to you.


He was dismissing it, too. That felt good, but still wary. It felt too elusive. Yes he is. Is there anything I can do for you?


I wasn't sure what else to say. I didn't know him. So it was easiest to deviate to formality.


I really don't think so.


A nice, definite line. Well, I could live with that. Still, I wanted to try to let him know that I wanted to be his friend, too. I felt that he said it more than I ever did.


Mmmk. Well, I'm here for you too, you know. If you ever need a friend.


Thanks! Well, I hope you have a wonderful night! Lala salamba! (Sleep peacefully) ;)


I was surprised by the abrupt close. But this conversation was already unbelievably long. I had to just be grateful. And that he ended it in African.... it touched me. He was sharing a part of himself. The winked face confused me, but I focused on the words. Peacefully. Sleep. lala. It was so lulling and soothing. I hate Africans but.... I loved that phrase.


You too.... Spokoinoin nochi. =)


He didn't respond or comment. I didn't know why but I decided I would never know. I would never understand this young man, if I tried forever.


I drove home late that night and crawled into bed, utterly exhausted. Why had he talked to me? Why had he been so..... nice? It was funny and sad and terribly wonderful all the same time, that our first simple, gentle conversation from start to finish had been through the medium of texting. Did it count? Maybe I was just a person who couldn't be loved in real life. Maybe that's why Levi loved me through letters but rejected me, ultimately, in person. It made me sad as I held onto my pillows and let the tears fall.


Why did you stop loving me, Levi? Why didn't you give me a second chance?


I said the words in my head over and over until I fell asleep.


Lala salamba. Lala salamba.


Goodnight, Levi.


Your star,
Rigel