Shuttle Pass

Dear Levi,


1.15.2014


You should have loved the sermon tonight! It was so funny, but so encouraging. The preacher is serving in the ghetto part of Philly, and he is so rough around the edges but God is doing so much through him! He prayed about God standing on the sidewalk with a cardboard sign saying, 'Will work!" and how most people drive on by preoccupied by controlling their own life. But that if we let him work, then he will do the impossible. It was the verse, Now to him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we can ask or think..."


It was a strange day. All I could think about was Tim walking back home along 10th street. About his giving at the conference. And about how much I couldn't stand him. It was ripping me apart.
At lunch, I paced back and forth. I decided to call the college and see, just see, if it was even possible to purchase a shuttle pass for another student. They were on lunch, lovely. I went back to work but God didn't let it go.
What if that was Levi?
What if that was Steven?
What if someone knew and they did nothing, what would you think of her?
And he had blessed me with such a big bonus this month. I needed every dollar for my computer. But what was that luxury when some people didn't even have the basics? And they were giving of their money, and I was not? It was so unfair.
I didn't want to give another penny towards another person. After all I spend and saved and sacrificed for Levi. The coats... the sweaters... the shirts... and food... the Things Remembered gifts... the souvenirs from Ukraine... all that money, just gone. And nothing but his hatred to show for it, and my lonely howling heart. The bitterness ran deep.
And I didn't want to care. I was so tired of caring for people and not being cared for back. It's just not worth it. It hurts so much, Levi. Why did you stop loving me? Why did Andri? I will never understand it, not till the day I die.
I didn't want to care. I didn't want to feel anything in my dead, hollow heart. Because I know where that leads. It leads to investing, and my investments run up dry.
But God wouldn't let me alone. And finally I requested an extra afternoon break and ran to make one more call to Heartland. Shuttle has gone up, fro 40 to 60. Ouch. I gritted my teeth and gave my card number. He didn't have a pass, and this one would be good till mid-February, through the end of Oklahoma's cold winter. It would be enough.
I walked back to my desk, and wiped the tears away. I was crying, because I was scared. Scared of what God wants from me. Scared of the future. Scared, scared. Of being hurt again.
By the end of the job, God had given me his peace.
I can't explain it. It was like he just wrapped me in the softest blanket, and filled my heart with calm. And I was able to be still, and recognize that this was good for me. To help battle that hatred in my heart against him for the past. And maybe that was the whole point. All I know is, God would be pleased. This was the right thing to do.
I ran home, and was rushing around to get ready. Excitement began to course through my veins at the thought of church. Of another sermon. Of hearing from God, and being able to sing. To sing.
I was just out of the shower when my phone trilled.
Trilled, not beeped.
Trilled, because I had cautiously defaulted Tim's ringtone to be distinct, to warn me.
Could it be possible? He actually decided to text me?
I was scared to look. So scared, I didn't at first. Until it trilled again. Then my curiosity got the better of me and I took precious seconds away from the vanity sink to run and check my phone.
His words took me off guard. They were so fast.




Might you perchance know something of a shuttle pass?
That might seem vague but I think you know what I'm talking about.




I stared at the two messages, a bit stunned. He had it already? That was crazy fast. And how did he know it was me? I figured it wasn't too big a jump of a guess, but, why break the silence barrier and just text me for the first time ever of it? He didn't sound happy.... which confused and worried me. I decided to keep my mouth shut.


I plead the 5th. As an American in citizenship, I have such constitutional rights even if I'm from Ukraine. =)


I added a smiley face for good measure. Made sure my spelling was right. Then I dashed around getting ready again. I was in the car when I got his reply, the sound shimmering and hovering the in air like a beautiful alarm. I was afraid to look.



that means yes, I presume. Why did you do that?




Why.
Not, thank you.
Just why.
I gritted my teeth and shoved the phone into the purse. Tears were welling up in my eyes. Why? Why? Why? What a question. As if I don't have that question myself. Why couldn't he just say thank you and leave it alone? Why couldn't he just not ask at all? Why did it matter, anyways? I laughed shakily as my car swerved on the highway and tears burned dangerously in my eyes. I'd just spent all my time putting on mascara, and I wasn't about to ruin it over this.
God, this hurts me.
I was surprised by the pain in my ribcage, and the simplicity of the prayer. But it was true.
God, it hurts me because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to defend myself for following you, or explain it. And I can't let him know about this huge struggle not to hate him, or my fear of spending money on others.... I will just sound so crazy. But he isn't leaving it alone, and I'm scared. Please give me grace.
At church, I swept upstairs to my seat with Lenichka and Zhenya, thanks to Bailey being in nursery yet again. We had a great view of the packed-out church. So many thousands milling around. It was incredible.
And I was trying to find the Hogues, friends of my parents who were in town for the conference, scanning the crowd down below. Which might attribute to my surprise when Tim headed my way.


Oh, no.
I braced. My stomach clenched so badly and I balled my hands in my skirt. I wanted to disappear. Please, Tim, be nice.
It was easier because Lenichka was there, and the is a huge fan of his family. But he still looked awkward when he smiled tentatively and zoomed in on me, the girl shrinking back in her pew wishing she had chosen to sit down below.
"So, did you do that or not?"
I tried to find calm through the pounding of my heart. How do I get him to just accept it and let it go? I looked at him and tried for my calmest, simplest smile. "Is it wise for you to enquire of how God moves people?" I asked softly.
He looked away, taken aback I think. Then he challenged me, "Only if they did it because of God."
I didn't expect that. It was a low blow, and I felt it quiver all the way to my damaged organs. Why else would I do it? Why else would anyone do something like that? Why was he accusing me of acting outside of God's will? What exactly was he accusing me of?
I was so taken aback, I didn't know what to say. I just looked down and let the silence stretch painfully.
Tim started to go, then turned and finished, "I need to know if it was you. Because, I plan to return it."
I wasn't surprised, but it didn't stop the despair. He was just going to throw it away. Just like Levi threw away all of my investments. Just like Levi. Just like Levi. Why did God bother to have me to try again? Why????
I looked up at him, and I knew my cheeks were red. I felt like I was trembling from head to toe and I knew I was about to start crying. "Fine. You can do whatever you like, but I'm not going to say anything." The edge in my tone was so strong. It was a miracle if he didn't hear the bitterness welling up in my throat, the despair.
"Okay," he shrugged and walked off to join his sister and friends.
I tried to breathe a little in his absence, but it was no use. I was going to lose it. I hadn't expected him to come confront me like that. To just reject it, right in my face. To challenge the gift, rather than be grateful. Levi had always been so, so grateful.
I left Lenichka and fled downstairs. I ran to Kate Walley, and hid among the teenagers, and tried to act okay. She knew I was upset but I smiled through gritted teeth and she started prattling about the wedding to distract me. It helped. She squeezed my hand, but didn't ask anything. I am blessed to have her as my friend.
The music started. It was time to go back up now, I'd be safe now. Rather than risk having to come from behind his pew and pass by Tim, I flounced across the front of the church, smile in place, trying to look gloriously carefree.
I pointedly didn't look beyond my own pew when I got to the balcony. I joined Lenichka and Zhenya and turned to face the front. I grabbed my hymnal, just in time as they announced they were about to start.
And then bam.
Right there.
In front of me.
Tim Mickey, again.
I flinched.
So much for getting in trouble talking to me in front of his coworkers, like Anna and Brittany in plan view on the other side of the balcony. He leaned forward across the pew and I was too nervewracked to know what to do.
"I didn't mean.... to sound rude," he said slowly, like he had rethought the scenario. Or his sister had kicked him. Or he had known why I fled downstairs. Why did he always seem to see through my façade? I might as well have just stared crying here and saved myself a trip downstairs through the crowd.
Since my attempt to hide reality behind a cloak of politeness was pointless, I let him have it. "Don't worry. I'm used to getting that, coming from you."
He didn't seem to hear me at first, then he did, then he flushed and laughed, taken aback. "Ouch!"
I shrugged and looked down.
He was still there, and I wasn't going to take it back. But I desperately wanted to make things okay. Why were things always so upside down between us? This should have been a good situation! I leaned towards him and softened my voice. "If you don't want it... give it to another needy student, okay? Pass along the blessing."
He considered that. "Okay. I'll do that." Then he turned and walked away.
I was trying to catch my breath when Lenichka's little punch slammed into my arm.
"That was so mean! You must be nice to Tim, Noelle. He doesn't know you and you must be kinder to him."
I shook my head. "I can't help it. He hurts me."
And then it was time to sing, and I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't. I'd sworn. Sworn he'd never see me cry again. So I sang, and smiled, and when the sermon ended... he was gone before I even had time to reach for my coat. Wow.


I walked downstairs and thought about Levi. About his night at work. About the huge distance between us.... coming bigger and bigger. Did he ever even think about me at all? Ever?


I got into my car and drove off to meet up with the Hogues, and that's when the tears started to fall.
Why, Tim? That hurt so much.


Levi.... I need you.
Your star,


Rigel