Truths

Dear Levi,

1.16.2014

I couldn't keep the sense of wonder out of my day on Thursday. I kept looking at my phone, checking to see that his text messages were, in fact, right there on my phone. I squinted at them a couple of times and shook my head. It wasn't too farfetched to assume I was crazy enough to hallucinate something like that. Tim, friends with me? It was the most absurd, ridiculous thing in the world. He hated me. And I.... well, I didn't like him much myself, not when I was always crying just looking at him and thinking about Levi.

But it was real.

There they were, living proof.

He had been kind, courteous, and warm. I ran the conversation through my head. Why was it so perfect? Surely, I'd overlooked something.

It was a long day at work. I learned I wasn't going to win first place for homesaver, so I wouldn't be getting the television. That made me sad and a little bit upset, because my competitive streak doesn't like to come in second when I was so close to being first.

But God knew what he was doing.

When it was time to rush home and shower, I beat my record from the past two nights. I took the time to curl my hair tonight, and wore warm golds and chocolates. With the boots from Italy and my sapphire coat, I almost felt whole as I drove to campus, singing along to the radio. That is, if it wasn't for the gaping hole in my chest, where Levi's absense roars.

When I got to campus, he wasn't at the doors. That was okay. I wasn't sure that I could look him in the face and not look completely ridiculous, trying to figure out if I'd imagined the conversation or not. I picked up the pace, a bit more confident without him there, and then was surprised when it was him who opened it. Apparently, my vision is dying faster than I thought. Dang.

I shook his hand but I was trembling so badly. I wanted to rush on in and hide, but an old teacher was standing two feet in and shook my hand, then proceeded to engage me in conversation. I shrank back, knowing Tim would be overhearing it. Why was I so scared? Like he was going to explode and hurt me? I don't know. The flight instanct was overpowering my body, keeping me shaking.

When I finally managed to hide back in the grandstands, I prayed like crazy for God to calm me down. I sat next to Phoenix, the Hogues' teenage daughter, and helped engage her in conversation. They invited me to the very back row - I'd never sat there before - and I felt silly being so far up, but I couldn't convince them to move closer. Silly teenagers.

During the presenations, I had fifty dollars I took out of my savings to give. I gave it right away to the first presentor. But when the third man came up to present, I couldn't help but feel God whispering, "A computer, Noelle?"

I swallowed and realized I was trembling again. Stupid nerves.

"But God.... I'm scared. What if they don't use the money right? I've been saving so long."

God didn't really have to say anything. My argument was feeble enough. I stood and gave away another fifty. A whole hundred dollars, just like that. Gone.

But it felt so good. I felt peace in my heart, even excitement. What could God do with a freewill offering? I'd never given one so large before. The sermon was hard for me to follow... but I was sad when the conference ended.

Mandii texted me, asking if I was here. I told her yes. She said she was coming back from work, would I wait for her?

I hadn't seen her since before Christmas break. We barely spoke. It made me sad. She was my little freshman roommate to me, and I missed her. She had been so kind when Levi left me. She had really cared. And I missed her, her hugs.

I didn't see Tim anywhere, and I kicked myself for being such a coward. He had been so kind, and I had been so..... Noelle. Sigh.

I didn't want to stand around waiting for her inside the chapel, so I went outside to sit on the ledge by the steps like I used to in happier days. The stars were pretty and people were rushing around so no one paid attention to me. I looked up at the stars and let the peace of God's presence trickle down.

"Hey."

Holy crap. It was Tim Mickey, hesitantly approaching me from the darkness, up the ramp to tower above me. How had he found me?

I decided to stay as calm as possible. "How are you?"

"Good, how are you?"

"You know, I'm quite proud of us," I moved the conversation. "Do you realize that we had our first, nice, normal conversation?"

"It wasn't really a real conversation..." he began to debate playfully.

I rolled my eyes, undeterred. "There was a beginning, and an end, and words inbetween. That's a conversation. And it was all nice and kind. I'll take it."

"So how are you doing, really?"

Why did he care so much? I looked away, trying to figure out how to be honest but not scary. "Like the song? It is well with my soul? You know when he wrote it, he had lost his family at sea when the ship went down, his business, and Chicago was on fire. Just because there were trials going on, it was still okay. That's how I am. There's stuff I'm trying to cope with, but I'm okay, Tim. It is well with my soul."

He thought about it, then asked, "Well, what's your ship?"

I wanted to let my chin drop. It was such a direct, personal question. I couldn't fathom a reply because Mandii tapped my shoulder from behind.

"Um, hi." she looked in surprise and interest between me and Tim.

I took my escape.

"Mandii!" I threw my arms around her and hugged her tight, and huge tears jumped in my eyes. I couldn't explain it. It was like my heart was breaking. Tim, why did you have to ask? Why do you care? Why doesn't Levi?

She chatted for a moment, and Tim was hanging out in the shadows, still waiting.

There was no way I was going to be able to talk to him about things with Mandii there. And I owed it to Mandii to make her my priority, since she had asked to speak with me and Tim just happened on me on chance. As much as I longed to speak with Tim, I had to make a decision.

I turned to him as kindly and gently as I could. "Do you mind if we finish this conversation at another time?"

He raised his eyebrows but didn't protest. "Sure."

"Thanks." I smiled as softly as I could.

He turned and walked away. I grabbed Mandii in another hug and tried not to start bawling.

"Noelle, why are you crying!"

I began to laugh at her horror. This was going to be a good night. I couldn't talk to her about it, it was too personal. But I dragged her inside and asked her about her life and shared a few warm, happy hours with my old rommate, answering her questions, trying to gieve her godly counsel for her problems.

But I couldn't get Tim's question out of my mind.

"What is your ship, Noelle?"

Levi.

Always, only, my love for Levi.

I felt bad for turning Tim down. But I was so scared to talk to him. Scared to think about things. When Mandii went back to the dorms, I looked at my clock. It was still pretty early. I took a risk and sent him a casual text.


I'm still on camus if you want to finish that conversatio, but I know it's late...

I'm actually off campus as of now.
Oh. I was surprised that it was disappointment, not releif, flooding me. I was curious.


Hopefully, not walking?

lol of course not!

Just checking =)
Well if you wanna finish it, I'm all ears =)


I froze. Over the phone? It seemed so insignificant in regards to what we would be talking about. I would want to see his facial expressions so I could know how much, exactly, I should tell him about things.


You said these conversations don't count!

I was actually about to comment on how you say they do!

Beat you =)
I had to smile.


You did! Well maybe you can convince me that it does count =) lol I'm listening.

From whence comes your persistence?
That was the biggest question. Why did he want to know? What was he going to do with the knowledge? It was frightening.


You initially brought it up through the medium of text ;)
His flippancy wasn't helping my nerves. Plus, I was offended. He had said I was moping over Levi.... now he seemed to be suggesting I was trying to talk about my past. Which was the farthest from my intentions as possible.


Only because you always ask!

Okay then let's forget about it? What's up?
At least he wasn't going to fight about it, but I wasn't sure what to think. I decided to address the issue another way.


So the thing that puzzles me is while everyone accepts that I'm dealing with things, you don't. It's like you see right through me. Did you know that? Because it's scary.

What do you mean I see right through you?
I just told you! I sighed and tried to figure out how to reiterate it. I took the previous conversation as an example. Well. Like when I say it's fine like the songwriter said, it is well, but somehow you see the burning ship and most others don't.


Maybe I perceive what others don't. Why are you scared tho?
Why, why, indeed. How do you just tell the truth? I closed my eyes and sent the three words I knew would change everything.


Because I'm sick.
Sick.... sick..... a hundred horrible screaming demons in my head. Physically, yes, but also emotionally and maybe permanently. I let the tears begin to roll down my cheeks as I drove to Isola Bella and pulled into the pavilion parking lot, where I could watch the moonlight on the water.


How so?
Just two little words. It didn't tell me what he was thinking.


It's hard for me to talk about, Tim. And I barely know you. The one friend I had and trusted, he left me. So now I'm sicker and.... it's not make sense to trust someone again. I just know God is here and I hope I get to be with him soon.
Did that make sense? Yes, I'm sick. Yes, it's hopeless. But I'm okay. Because I can sit here at the lake and cry, and know Levi will never come back, but I still have the hope of heaven.

He didn't respond for a while. I decided to be even more honest, and let the bitterness creep in.


And I'm sorry, that when you talk to me you feel it gets your in trouble with your coworkers and friends. I'm sorry I'm still here. I wish I could disappear faster.
If only. I recalled him shutting the door in my face at the Hainlines, and the tears slipped down faster. Whey couldn't I slip into that lake and be gone?

My phone shook and I looked down to see his number, calling me.

I froze, panic and shock gripping me. I didn't want to talk to him on the phone.... I hate phone calls. But if I didn't answer, he was going to hit my voicemail and hear that message. Then what would he think of me? I made a snap decision and answered, but my voice was rough from crying and I leaned my head weakly against the steering wheel.

"What do you want, Tim?"

"Are you okay?"

I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. His care wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter, it wouldn't. Just a mirage in the desert. But how badly I longed for water.

"I'm fine."

"What did you mean, you're sick?"

"I'm sick. I have amsometropia. I'm going blind."

His message he must have sent just before calling came through.


So you were speaking metaphorically? Well I don't blame you for not wanting to trust me, but I can sincerely say I only have your best interst in mind.
And we talked.

I told him a little bit. About being sick. About being scared.

He was quiet. He listened. His voice was like a whisper over the line, so faint at times I could barely hear it. It made me frustrated to ask him to repeat himself but I didn't know him which made the missing lines even more confusing.

I wish I could have captured that conversation. It flew by like a whirlwind, shocking me. Slowly, gently, he managed to pry the truth from my frightened grasp. And he recited to me precious hymns. It will be worth it all. Psalm 91. Turns out, that is both of ours favorite chapters. I let the tears fall, and we talked for a very, long time. I don't even remember what all we covered. He promised it would stay between us, but I wasn't sure.

It felt good to tell him the truth, but it felt terrifying, too. I was afraid he'd get in trouble for being on the phone after curfew, but he laughed about it. How could he be an RA and so easily ignore that rule? It surprised me but I didn't mind. I just always thought he was a stickler for the rules. Good to know he was normal, too.

We talked about the moonlight on the lake. About heaven. It was so nice, so comforting, and eventually I realized I was completely calm again. Talking with Tim. What a marvel.

"You know what we should do?" I asked through the roughness of the previous tears.

"What?"

"We should try this in real life. A nice, good conversation in person."

He laughed and said something, but I didn't get it. Finally I did. "We need a girl."

"A girl?" I was puzzled. It was like he was speaking Greek. What did he mean?

"Yes, a girl. So we can talk and.... have someone there for testimony."

I wanted to laugh. Still wanting a third person in between us, did he? But I didn't want to argue. Who cares. We will never talk in person.

The phone call got disconnected I went back to texting. It was now after midnight, anyways.


Stupid phone. I need to get it fixed =(

lol it's okay =) I needed to go anyhow!

I love the last few chapters of Revelation, they're so exciting!
Well.... he should have said so. I already felt guilty about talking so long. He sent both text messages faster than I could reply to the first one. I'm sorry you should have said so. And why is that?


Because it talks about the new Jerusalem, and what it will be like.

Yes, it is fascinating, what lies again. And it's just a glimpse. What is your favorite book of the Bible?
I asked it tentatively.... the first time I inquired about anything about him. That significance wasn't lost on my fragile, frightened mind.


Psalms, Isaiah, Romans, Matthew, Colossians...... lol =) Yours?

Haha. Not a bad list. James =)

I like James! There are waaaaaay too many to choose from =)

So true =) Can I ask you something?

Sure =)
The verses I gave you, before. Did they help? I'd often wondered that.


I'll be honest, I didn't read all of them (I'm horrible, I know) but I really like the one in Jeremiah.

It's okay. I'll try not to judge you. lol I'm glad you got one, though.
I knew deep inside that he hadn't read all of them because the depth of his trial hadn't been as great and deep as mine is. But I wasn't going to point that out. He wouldn't understand. Would never understand.

I was back home, and got onto my email. I was surprised by an email on my account from Heartland.


lol My roommate is telling me his woes!!
I opened the email and shock hit me cold in the gut. He'd returned the pass and they were rejecting my payment.

Rejecting.

Rejecting.

Reversing.

Wiping away.

Huge tears welled up in my eyes and began to flow. He couldn't hear me now. I let the sobs rip loose as I curled up on my aching stomach and hid myself all alone in my world.


Wait. You returned your shuttle pass??!! Why did you do that???? ='(

That was the only waay. They wouldn't let me just give it away or something like that.
I sobbed. The tears and grief and anguish were too much. What was the point of the playful banter if deep down inside, he was rejecting me anyways? Writing me off? Making plans to reverse everything? It was so hard. I couldn't handle the pain but just lay there curled up and the tears soaked steadily into the mattress. Let me die, please. Why did I ever try? Why? The humiliation and despair was killing me.


Noelle, you're a blesing.
The message shone through the blurred redness of my sick, tired eyes. I looked at it, looked at how he used my name. Like Levi used to. But I couldn't hide the grief.


How is it so when you won't let me? ='(

It was just the thought for me, just knowing you thought of me.
I remembered Levi, how no one saw him. No one thought of him. The pain cut me in half. It was happening all over again. To see, to care, to be rejected. And no one sees me.


I think of you now. And like for the church planters, I want to help. To not know, are you safe? Walking 10th street at night? And you just.... forced it back? My heart hurts. And God will be angry with me.
I cried until I couldn't breathe anymore. Sad, quivering breaths straining into my burning lungs. THe stress wasn't good for my health. Not like this. Not ontop of everything else that was wearing me out.


Your heart shouldn't hurt over me, He is with me. I truly appreciate it, I don't always walk. Just sometimes.

God Isn't angry with you.
What would he know about God's wrath towards me? And I know it was only sometimes, that was the point of having the option of the pass if he wanted it. But I couldn't argue. I couldn't. It wouldn't make a difference, anyways.

I opened my eyes.... and it was later. I must have fallen asleep. I looked at his unreplying messages and tried to summon my thoughts. I couldn't. My heart was so heavy.


I'm sorry, I'm so tired. I think I fell asleep. I am sad that you did that. ='( Goodnight, Tim.
It was one o'clock in the morning.

I woke from a troubled, screaming nightmare when my phone trilled. Shimmering, sweet notes. Tim's preset. It was just before six o'clock. He was up early, and thinking of me.


That's okay cuz I was sleeping too. Don't be sad.
I couldn't reply. I curled back up and fell asleep again. I couldn't beleive he rejected it.

When I got to work, I decided to just send him a Bible verse. I couldn't change what he did. I was just going to have to cope. I'd known it would happen, anyways, hadn't I?


"My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord, in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee and will look up!" ~Psalm 5:3
He never responded.

Levi.... I need you hear. I'm so out of my league. Will you never, never talk to me again? Never?

Your star,

Rigel