Missing Someone

Dear Levi,

1.5.13

Can I tell you something honest? I cried in choir when I saw you and Anna snuggled up and cuddly far far up in the back of the balcony. Like your presence was too special to share with the rest of the church. Like your world revolves around her beautiful black hair and eyes. It cut so deep. Was it possible you ever really loved me? Ever? Did I dream it all?
I keep seeing the way you twirled me around in the cold air under the stars outside Panera Bread, Nichols Hills. It's burned into my memory, and more than that, into my heart. But it makes me cry.
I didn't like the way Bro. McKraken preached. It was too showy, too uneducated and I sensed it was deliberately so. I'm not big on comedian preachers. But after the service, I sought out Bro. Bailey about my new ministry. In the aisle, Tim was passing by in the press of people. I wouldn't have even noticed, really, except he stopped to deliberately catch my attention and ask, "How are you doing, Noelle?"
His eyes looked so sincere, so innocent. The same eyes that got me back at the Hainlines.
Tonight, I just looked down at my boots. "Fine, Tim, thanks," I whispered and let the crowd pull me on. I didn't look back. He had hurt me, and I couldn't pretend otherwise. What was he doing talking to a girl like me? Was it so funny to him?
I decided that it was a compliment that Levi could forgive everyone except me. That means either I hurt him worse than all of them, or I mattered more. Either way, probably both. I had earned it. It was my fault.
When I went home after a really nice evening with Kate and Tim (I think they might be good for each other, but I'm fed up with the whole love business) I crawled into my bed in the dark, silent, and lonely apartment. And in my heart, it was your name that I called for into my pillow. But it was Tim's name, too, that murmured into the air.
Levi, I miss you always.
Tim, I miss you... too.
Such a strange, aching feeling. I missed what might have been. Friends. Whatever that meant. I guess I had actually let myself dream. Of what, I'm not certain. But something.
I closed my eyes but the tears squeezed out.
Why, Tim, why?
Why did you go back to him? And why can't you just leave me alone? I'm no good at pretending.

Why, Tim?

Your star,
Rigel