Inspired

Dear Levi,


1.14.14


I was so excited to go to the conference last night after work. I could barely sit still through my calls, thinking about being at Heartland again, under the glowing lights and teeming crowd of fellow Christians, and hear good music and preaching. I sped home as fast as I could and threw myself through a hot, hot shower and ran around getting ready. I figured you wouldn't be there. But after last year, when I watched you take off all kinds of time off of work for random events, I wasn't going to take that chance. So I had to blowdry and spritz my hair and swirl on some makeup and sweep on mascara, which made me so hot I grabbed a cold Dr. Pepper to chug at the same time, even though it was so cold outside. Silly Noelle.
I didn't even listen to the radio on the way to campus. I called Bailey, only to find out she was in nursery. Same with Zhenya. That threw me back. Who was I to sit with? Now I wasn't that happy-go-lucky. As long as you weren't there with Anna, I would be okay sitting by myself, I guess. I had expected the Martinezes to be there as the past 3 years, but they weren't coming, either. My happiness began to slip a little when I pulled on campus and saw the huge line of cars and people milling everywhere. Even though I still had twenty minutes, the place was buried. Finding seats would be hard.
I parked in the grass by Brown dorm and walked across the grass, head down so I wouldn't twist an ankle in my tall heeled boots in the soft ground. I was wearing my little black dress and familiar black suede boots, but changed up the somber tones with a bright white scarf and jeweled sapphire peacoat. By the time I got to the dorm, I was passing so many strangers and I knew I wouldn't see you. I just knew it in my soul. Why did I even bother to dress up at all? It felt like a wasted effort, and maybe I should have just come straight to campus to save myself a seat in a back corner somewhere.
But I realized my efforts weren't too wasted when I looked up to see Tim greeting at the main entrance, handing out flyer.
Oh, lovely.
I was suddenly happy I looked somewhat put together. He already thinks I'm absolutely crazy.
I smiled at him and shook his hand. He didn't look happy to see me. I suppose I deserve it, after how downright cruel I was to him the over night with my honesty. I was surprised, though, that he was here. Didn't he need the hours at work to make his bills? But I didn't ask. I had learned my lesson, and I would be keeping my mouth shut.
He shook my hand and handed me a flyer and turned to the next person behind me.
I felt the little Noelle inside cringe, then sigh in resignation. So much for friends.
Inside the auditorium, I wanted to run to my spot in the grandstands but was afraid that I would run into you, again; this time, with Anna on your arm. So I opted for the grandstands on the opposite side, where I first sat when you left me and I was stupid enough to be mad about it. Stupid girl.
It turned out I didn't have to sit alone for too long. Joselyn, a very kind girl from Southwest I met on the Idabel trip, came to sit in my row and saved spots for the Spragues and Willoughbys. I wasn't too thrilled on the choice of neighbors; the Sprague girls have always been very stuck up around me, but I was too proud and preoccupied to care about some Okie beauties. Their glory was very, very limited and wasn't worth my attention to compete against. I knew Trevor was talking with Hannah, but he ended up sitting by me.
Which was, doubtless, awkward. Mostly because I was annoyed that Hannah would be jealous. But she was on the opposite end of the group so I didn't see her the whole time. Trevor was kind to me.... meaning, he said hi and remembered my name, and that was it. It was easy for me to return the favor and just tune him out, too.
Because there was so much more to captive my attention.
I miss Heartland so much.
The energy, the excitement, the soul-stirring music. Just the thought of so many people trying to do something with their lives! It made me long to be headed on the missionary trail with Levi again. I missed this world. It is so, so much better.
Tim crossed my view as he settled in on the floor directly ahead of me with a bunch of young guys and girls students. He looked plenty happy. I'm glad. Part of me wishes him well, the part of me that goes back to look at his number in my phone again in wonder.
The preaching by Sam Davison was.... phenomenal. He said, 'What have you read in the Bible  that makes you think God is working any different nowadays?" It was such a great thought. So much of popular Christian mentality (myself included) is based on the opinions of other and our own thoughts, rather than studying the word of God to figure things out. I felt convicted. I need to read it to a greater extent each day than I am already doing. I need to really research it and know God.
But the whole point of the night was captivated around the most unlikely person, Tim. Because during the auctions, I watched him stand up and give 50$, twice, towards the pastors presenting their burdens. I was shocked. I had never seen Levi give anything, whether in the offering or in tithes. And I knew that, according to his word, Tim was making sacrifices to be able to give. I thought he meant tithes. I didn't realize he meant giving. I was so.... humbled. Much like when Levi used to amaze and inspire me. Because I'm always counting pennies and I allocate funds for tithes and for support of Steven and Nina but... I'm not honestly hurting to do so. I might miss a few meals, limp on gas, turn down a shopping opportunity... but that's pretty small. And there was Tim, giving well over what would be a month of shuttle services. He was one of the only students I saw, period.
How does he do it?
I mulled it over in my mind. I was just so impressed.... and so amazed. I wanted to cry, but I ended up just breaking into a huge smile. Because it was so encouraging, that there are still young people out there with the same compassion and sacrifice of my Levi. And that... someone.... that gave me hope.
After the service, I wasn't feeling good at all. I was so tired. And my internal health has been struggling the past few days. I walked across to the restrooms to splash some water on my face and try to feel better. On the way, I crossed paths with Tim. Which surprised me, seeing as how my pew had been sooooo delayed to exit with the crowd. He looked at me, looked like he might have said something to me, but didn't. I just ducked my head down and slipped into the restroom.
Part of me was a coward. I was afraid what he thought of me now that he had time to think over everything I told him. Would he hate me now? He didn't text me.
And part of me longed to just confront him and apologize. To ask if Levi and Anna gave him a hard time for talking to me, the outcast. To ask him to please.... think kindly of me still, somehow.
When I went back outside, Tim was nowhere around. It made me sad to leave campus. I ended up kidnapping Lenichka and Zhenya and crashed at my place till midnight, watching Hunger Games in Russian and making brownies. It was so nice. And I was able to try to encourage Lenichka, who is feeling her age so much right now. But I was tired on the long, dark drive back home. I even got pulled over for not stopping completely at the stop sign by the dorm. That was scary. But the cop we nice. Handed me back my stuff and said to be more careful when he confirmed I was a Heartland student.
When I got home, it was well after one a.m. I read my Bible in Psalms, where it said that God heals the broken hearted and binds up wounds. What if my heart isn't able to be healed? I wasn't able to sleep, waking up and looking restlessly at my phone. For the first time, I thought about texting Tim.
Tim, how do you do it? How do you just move on? How do you give up on someone forever?
But there were no answers to break the stillness of the apartment, so I drifted off to sleep again and again with tears on my eyelashes. So weary of the struggle.


I miss you, Levi.
Please don't graduate and leave me. Please, don't leave your little Noelle all alone. She's so scared.


Your star,
Rigel