All Nighter

Dear Levi,

1.17.204



Dear Levi,

You were once the only one who spent an all nighter talking to me. Saving me. Praying with me. I never thought anyone else could have that sacrifice inside. But apparently you chose well in your best friend. Because he did, too.

I was so tired after my double at Panera and when I got home, I brushed my teeth and began reading my Bible. I was still turning over the conversation from last night. He knew I was sick. And he hadn't said anything all day. He probably never would again. That was where Lucas drew the line, and Tim probably wouldn't be any different.

I was puttering around when my phone trilled, shimmering, sweet tones.

I froze. It was so late. Eleven o'clock at night.


Hey, how was your day?
Well, hello, Tim. I wasn't sure what to do. Ignore it? Answer? Curiosity got the best of me.


Hello =) Just got off work, actually. How was yours?

It was pretty long! But God is still good =) I'm sure excited for tomorrow!! I get to see my bus kids. =)
I was slow to answer, letting him get a taste for what it's like to wonder if it's ever coming. Plus, I was stumped what to say. Why did he have to be so.... precious? I could feel my heart softening, and that wasn't a good sign.

God is good all the time. =) Is that your favorite ministry?

Yes! I love it!! So the water heater is out here in the dorm..... super cold shower just now.

I was toweling off myself from a steaming hot shower. I smiled, feeling guilty. I didn't miss the ghetto dorms of Heartland. I tried to think of something helpful.

You could heat water in the microwave since there is no stove. We never have hot water in Ukraine, it seemed. Don't get sick!

lol Do you remember where I'm from? It isn't like I've never taken a cold shower before =) I'm just glad some of these stinkers are manning up and washing lol

Cold showers don't count when it's hot outside! =P

It wasn't always hot where I lived, either =P

It was Africa!!!!! Define 'not hot'..... like 50? lol

It was 6,000 ft altitude. lol. Okay you got me =) We probably hit below 50 a few times a year =)

Doesn't count =)

Says who?

I can't imagine that. Didn't you miss the cold? Autumn? Snow?? Says someone for whom -60 below zero was a normal winter day!

Hmmm nope... maybe on Christmas =) I think I do like the crisp cold now though (despite OK wind though) I love sunshine, warmth, not heat, where I lived we averaged in the 70's to low 80's with no humidity.

Oklahoma is not cold, just sort of bitter. And yes. Sunshine and warmth is nice for a little while but it's no fun to dress for!! =P

lol True especially for girls ;) I miss home

Well you can only do so much with a tee shirt. It gets boring lol. Why do you miss it the most?

Boring. I see. I miss everything, the stars that dot the sky like diamonds, the sunsets that set it on fire, the peace of perfect nature, the hustle and bustle of the market place, the warmness of the people, the joys of a simple life, my family, my church, my friends, my home. What do you miss the most?

That was really beautiful. =)

=)

I miss the sky so cold you can hear the stars shimmer, fruit trees dropping sweetness along every street, so many millions in every direction just lost and oppressed, cobblestone streets and crumbling architecture. I miss my couch and my turtles. Of all, I miss my dad most.

I miss my dad, too.

Is he like you?

I miss my baby sister though she isn't a baby anymore.

I miss Steven. He always had my back and taught me to be brace. I miss his laugh.

Some say we're alike, I don't know it's hard to say.

I often wondered about his family, and especially his parents. What would they be like??

Why don't you go home over the summer like Amanda?

But I'm glad to be where God has me for now. I'm content! Though I can't wait to grow up lol and mature! Jesus told me no.

I know they miss you back. But it is good you can find happiness here =) Pffft if you grow any older you'll be a wrinkly little old man!

What are you trying to say Noelle?

Don't you start that. You yourself said you seem older than you are! =P

There was a lengthy pause. I curled up in bed and tried to breathe, in and out, getting ready to fall asleep. I began to worry when he didn't respond.

I was teasing.

Lol.

I was afraid I upset you.

Don't bring what I said into this.... besides, I thought we determined I was a "baby." Nah, Clay Corder and I were spending some time in prayer.

I remembered calling him that on January 13th when he came over to my hill and my bench and tried to preach at me and help me for the first time. He remembered. And I loved the thought of guys in the dorm praying. It seemed.... just how it was supposed to be.

Okay good =) I must be more selective with my words if you will remember them so pointedly... I honestly couldn't call you that. Praying for no more cold showers tomorrow. Seems smart ;) lol

What a baby or old man =) I must be one or the other =P

Well....... I'd say you're closer to an old man. Maybe middle aged. Like forties.

Haha thanks..... I guess =)

You're welcome. Can I ask you something?

The playful was wonderful but I couldn't help thinking about the tears last night.

Sure.

What was it that made you so adamantly reject the shuttle? Did you just not transportation or was it was from me? The girl who you guys hate so much..... I silently finished in my head.

I didn't want transportation, and partially cuz I'm proud (I don't think I need help) and you're a pretty girl buying something for me which could be taken the wrong way. Why did you buy it for me?

I can't explain it except God told me to. I was worried you'd react just like you did....... but He wouldn't let it go. If it was my brother, I would have hoped someone would have cared. And my dad helped me with the funds. I don't know how tell him you forced it back ='(

I got scared. I didn't know your motives or anything. Look at it from my perspective. I read into it I suppose.

Something about his words made the old anger flare up. The fact he was suspicious of me and assuming some kind of ulterior, depraved motive hurt my pride.... hurt me deep. The anger flared so deep it began ripping at the hurt inside. The loss of Levi. My bitterness against them both. Against all of them.

You tell someone you're befriending about a need and they try to help. What a crime. Downright scandalous, really. I mocked him, the bitterness sharp. I kept going with the next thought, where he'd called me a pretty girl with wrong motives. Tim Mickey, RA, scared of Levi's cast off. What a thought. If you're afraid of me why talk to me at all. I'm sure no one has noticed the 3 occasions you have spoken to me in public, but just in case, you'd better stop, right?

I could have kept going. But I didn't. I stopped and wrapped my arms around my aching ribs and tried to bite down the anguished, gargled cry of pain.

No I wasn't scared of ohers as much as I was scared of you. False. Why would you say that?

His sentences were too disjointed. I couldn't figure them out.

I don't understand.

Sorry for not being perfect.... never claimed to be.

Those words sounded just like Brandon, so immature and selfcentered that he was. It made my anger even greater. I took a deep breath and tried to figure out why he thought I was accusing him of being imperfect. But something wasn't clicking.

I don't understand your words, to be afraid of me.

I was the one afraid of him. What did he have to be afraid of me about? He and Levi never acted afraid of me. They always walked around so imperiously.

And you aren't Levi's cast off. I wasn't sure what your intentions were.

I tried to figure that out. Of course he would narrow out that one expression. I shuddered to think why. Is that what they called me? Worse? And what could my intentions have possibly been? I didn't know him.

I don't understand what you think they might have been that caused you to feel afraid of me I wasn't trying to hurt you in any way. I was just trying to be a small part of a friend.

I appreciate that, I really do. I'm stupid, can we leave it at that?

But I was too hurt, too mad, too fragile. He wasn't going to get away with contradicting me on something so important.

Oh. I'm not? Yeah I'm sure you guys had worse names than that for me. I'd rather not find out, though, thanks. If you wish...... but I don't think that's accurate, because you aren't stupid at all.

I never got any farther.

Tim was calling me again.

Frustration and pain eased up a little bit but I rolled over and put my head between my knees before answering. I was so tired, so stressed.

"Are you going to make a habit of calling me?" I didn't mean to bite his head off, but my temper was stretched so thin.

He was quiet. "No."

And we talked. He told me, basically, that he thought I was hitting on him by buying the shuttle pass. I was surprised and amused and angry at the same time. I told him I didn't hit on guys by buying them stuff. I told him I would never hit on another guy after what Levi did to me. And I told him that I didn't even want to buy it. How I hated him, the very thought of him, and how I didn't want to spend my money on him, but God wouldn't let it go. I was crying by I was done.

"I knew you were going to just throw it back in my face, and you did!" I cried.

He was quiet and apologized. I think he realized how shallow he was being, thinking I was hitting on him. Just because Mandii and Alex and half the freshmen girls thought he was something, I was several years older and that wasn't the point. I would never look at anyone else after Levi.

"He never spoke about you. Never mentioned you ever," Tim said softly. That hurt so badly. Never? Not once? "Why did you break up, Noelle?"

I took a deep breath. He really wanted to know? Well, here it goes.

And I told him my story. From the Naval Academy, to the neuro science university in Chicago, to Levi helping me when I was so broken, to falling in love, to getting engaged, to that awful break, to the silence of those months. I had already reminded Tim of how he was a part of that hurtful semester, but I included it again to give it a deeper picture for him. I didn't talk about Brad and Andrea, or the sickness, or the fainting, or the multiple suicide attempts in Chicago, or the car wreck. That was too deep. Too deep. I spoke about the night I went to Walmart crying, and how he and Anna laughed at me. About how that broke me. About the summer. About how when I tried to move on, God brought Tim in. About the Hainlines. About knowing Levi would never, never come back. About wanting to die so badly.

"You really want to die, Noelle?" He asked me, and I could hear the criticism in his voice.

And part of me realized that I didn't want to. I wanted a long life with Levi. I wanted to live again. The sobs came so hard and fast.

"No, Tim! I don't want to die, I want to live! I want to grow old, and watch my hair turn grey! I want to see my nieces and my nephews! I want to take care of my parents!"

"Noelle, God is still big."

But I couldn't help sob. And it was Tim's turn to talk. He apologized for.... everything. One thing after another. He told me about praying for Dallas for nights on end, about leading him to the Lord. About never hearing from his since. About wanting to serve God, and be used of him. I could hear his voice break. I could fear the fire of zeal to be something good in this world.

We talked... all night.

He was apparently in the laundry room. I was curled up on the floor.

But we talked. About all sorts of things. Random things I can't remember. About Alex, the girl he likes so much. About his bus kids. About mine. His parents, apparently, had gone to Fairhaven and so he'd been there. What a small world.

I was afraid he'd be so tired. And I had to work a double. But I just didn't want him to go... because I knew we would never have this night again, like I would never have those nights with Levi again in Ukraine when he was there for me.

Three o'clock... four. His phone was dying. Then it died. But he texted me.

You know what?

What?

Just in case, you didn't know, you are beautiful.

Why do you say that?

Because it's true.

It's just very random. Thank you, though. I used to think I could be pretty until I broke my nose. Twice. Didn't have a doctor to set it. So I know it's not true =)

Well, I don't know. I just thought you might wanna know. And by the way, I mean more than just how you look. I mean who you are.

Thank you, Tim. I wish I'd have known you a long time ago. I have been praying for you since the day I met you! But I am so humbled that now, you would let me be a small part of your life.

You were praying for me?

Every. Single. Day. =) A year and a half now. =) Never missed once.

Why?

And I told him. Why. About Levi pointing him out. And then before it was quite time, Tim was ready to end things.

Goodnight, beautiful friend.

It was probably the most precious thing anyone has called me since Levi called me his snow princess. It made the tears start again.

Lala Salamba, Tim.

Levi, you would be so proud of Tim. You would be proud of your girl. Remember talking about Davina's ex-husband and how they all sat around at Christmas just talking, the pain and hurt restored? That's what this night felt like.

And Tim knew almost everything about me, and he called me a beautiful person. Rather than running and calling me crazy. It didn't make sense..... I was lost in the wonder of it all. I wish you were here to help me sort it out. I miss you. Tuck me in, Levi? Please?

Your star,
Rigel