New Year

Dear Levi,

1.1.14

Happy new year. A new year, with a clean slate. Today started out sad... with cheeks stained by tears, nightmares of death and silence and icy waters. I slept in a long time, then got up and opened my gift from Grandma. No one else's gifts had arrived yet. But it wasn't gifts I needed. Just love.

When my mom called, I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell her about Tim and Levi and Anna. But I couldn't. For the first time, I felt frozen about the events going on. I just talked about supper and then steered the conversation her way. My brother in law and sister were galloping around Seattle, posting pictures of the places I'd always dreamed of seeing with Levi, and it hurt.

But I read my Bible, and prayed, and asked God for strength.

At church that night, Tim avoided me. That was fine. I didn't have anything to say to him anymore. He had helped break me once, and he was doing it again. I sat with Kate, and let the tears fall. Again. Always. Unending tears. She squeezed my hand.

But the sermon was so good. It was about faith. About running the race.

"You can sit in the lane and whine and complain about the lane God has put you in to run the race of life, or you can grow up, get up, get some faith in your life and just start running to the best of your ability! No one else can run your race. You have to do it. You have to face your past mistakes. Your present injuries. And God knows what the future holds. But you have to commit yourself to running it."

The sermon was from Hebrews 11-12 and it was like balm to my soul. It put a little flutter of wind under my sails, and it was a different girl who drove to campus yet one more time.

It was blistering cold, colder than any other night. Minus 3 below zero. I gripped my hot chocolate and shook like a little leaf as I forced myself to walk the whole lover's loop. From the bench where the explosion happened, up the ramp where we used to sit and share dinners, to the bench and the hill where he left me forever. I stood there, and I asked God to let it go. To give me faith for this year. To run the race before me of this year. 

I can't change the past.

What he did.

What I did.

How it's crippled me.

But the race isn't over.... it's still lying ahead of me. And if I can just get my eyes off the impossibility of the circumstances around me, the hardness of my prince's heart.... God can walk on water. And I can see his glory.

God, give me strength for this year.

Your star,

Rigel