Friendship

Dear Levi,

1.18.2014

It was an interesting day, waking up after all night with Tim to the sweet, trilling chime of his texts. Could we really be friends? It was amazing to me. I worried, but, I didn't want to. I wanted to just relax and enjoy what God was doing. Healing an old enmity. Amazing.

On Sunday, I sang in the ensamble. I helped in my 7th grade class. And I took Zhenya out to teach her to drive. I bought my computer, the HP Split x2 I'm writing this on right now. Drove to church with my car full of friends and chased some random Mexican losers waving at us girls. It was a fun, blissful day. If it weren't for the ache of seeing you and Anna. You were so animated, so happy and bouncy at her side. It pierced me through with sadness. As joyous as my life was becoming, it didn't compare to your absence. It never would be okay.

Tim came up to talk to me at church after Zhenya and I put on our makeup in the bathroom. I teased him he was stalking me, but I was actually so glad he caught me in the hall rather than in front of you and Anna. It was hard for me to talk to him in person. I was still afraid of him, of the memories. He looked unsure of himself, too, but I had to give us both points for trying. I followed him into the balcony but didn't linger when he stopped at his seat. I gently dismissed myself and went to sit with my girls. We filled up a whole row. I was blessed. But I couldn't take away the pain of knowing you and Anna were just across the balcony, and didn't want me.

I took ten bucks to each of the missionary kids from the Sehelsteds who presented tonight, missionaries to Romania. I hoped it would be a blessing to them as it would have been to me on furlough. And I texted Tim and apologized for bailing on him. I told him it was still hard for me. He didn't seem mad. He seemed to understand. It was a huge blessing.

After church, I went to hang out on campus. And then I went to pray at my bench. Tim was at a care leader meeting at the Landes. Part of me was so sad. I was never chosen to do any of that kind of stuff. I wanted to be a leader at the Naval Academy so badly. I would never have that experience.

But I sat there and looked at the hill and prayed. When Tim got back, a few minutes before curfew, he came to me. He teased me for calling it "my hill." It was awkward... unsure, talking to him in real life. It was so much easier view texting. But after spending all night listening to me cry, I told myself not to be a coward and dragged my pretty boots over to the bench to at least give him a few minutes of my presence.

It was hard, when he came walking up, holding a frappe from MacDonalds, white shirt unbuttoned. He looked so much like you, Levi. Not quite as tall, not as handsome to me, eyes not quite the same caramel. But so much alike it took my breath away and left my stomach trembling. I miss you so, so much.

We only had a few moments, then I walked away for curfew. Tim texted me, saying I was trying to tell him not to be my friend. And it was true. I had to admit it. I am afraid of what will happen, because he's going to figure out that I'm not fixable. That I will never, ever run right again. Will never want anyone but you. Never be able to get over that pain. Never be able to trust again. fully bask in God's blessing, come onto campus without seeing that hill.

I am scared.

Your star,
Rigel