Tim's Number

Dear Levi,




1.12.2014




What at day. Wow. You should have been here. You would have laughed at me. Maybe cried, too, at how much your girl has changed. I feel so fragile. So afraid. So.... cynical. I have faith in God, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust another human being ever again. Everything I've ever been promised has been a lie.


I remember the night Brad pulled me from under the bench by the church. He carried me in his arms through the darkness and promised he'd always be there, cradling my limp body against his strong one. I believed him and I watched that promise shatter.
And I remember the night I sat on the bus in Oklahoma City. Just a normal night. But so much grief and pain inside. I remember Levi leaning across the darkness, so young and sweet and friendly, and trying to reach out to me. He would later twirl me through the twilight spangled sky and seal his healing with his kisses and hold me as I would fell asleep. He promised he would never leave. And I believed him. Surely, I thought, if he had been through as much junk as me, then he wouldn't dare break a promise. Not to someone who had to live through it once.
But he did.
And slowly my faith in humanity has evaporated. Until there is nothing. Just nothing.
Maybe it would have been different, on a night like this. In my deep grief, when someone came up to touch me in a gentle, compassionate way. Before, it might have been like a lifeline of hope to me. But tonight? It was just like another mirage of water in the desert. It's not real. As luscious, as life-giving, as real as it seems to my dying, parched soul.... I know it's not real. It's just not.


Everyone at Heartland is back. And after church, I offered to take Bailey and Pearl home. I had business on campus. That night marked 1 year since the day of our big fight, the fallout, the meltdown. It was my fault, all my fault that night, and I was literally walking in grief so deep I couldn't lift my head.
I dropped them off at the dorm and went to the bench. The bench I always avoided, the one under the spotlight by the gym, by the stairs. I stood there, and I just looked at it. For a long, long time. I closed my eyes and could see how cold it was that night. Waiting in the gym, waiting on this bench. The rush of relief and betrayal when he finally showed up.
I walked to the stairs and looked down. There, in the darkness of the parking lot, was the place where we last stood as friends. As lovers.
Back to the bench.... where I can see stains of spilled hot chocolate marring the sidewalk's smoothness. To the grass, where I can see my cell phone thrown. Where he ran to pick it up. The last act of kindness he ever afforded towards me.
I stood there in the grass, in shadows and moonlight, the Oklahoma wind whipping my skirt and hair, and I cried. I had my earbuds in listening to Taylor's desperate song Back to December and it was like a funeral. For us. The funeral we never had. If only I'd realized what was happening that night, I'd have changed courses so fast.
I walked slowly along the sidewalk, remembering other days. Happier days. Sadder days. Days of my campusment, making a snowman, the day he came to apologize after the first two-week silence, the talk in the library about boundaries, the bench where he fed me homemade breakfast. The gazebo where we flirted in the summer humidity. The tree that he dared me to climb.
The bench.
The bench in the darkness, facing that hill.
That hill.
That hill.
That hill, where my life ended. That hill, that slopes from everything.... to nothing.
The hill that I cannot cross, can not even breach, cannot even sink the toes of my boots into the grassy lawn. So untouchable.
I stood and looked at the hill and for the first time... there weren't even words. Not even a word to pray. And there were no tears. Literally nothing from my soul, just emptiness. Pure emptiness. I never felt so dead, so hollow. No strength to even think about dying. Just... nothing.
I crossed to the bench and sat down.
The cold wind was tussling my hair but I wasn't bothered by it. The guys that hurried by me didn't even merit my glance. I just zoned them all out and focused on searing the shape of that hill into my brain, my heart. How desperately I wanted to just lie down on the grass and blow my brains out and fall to sleep, laughing, hysterically mad.
I think I am going crazy.
And maybe it shouldn't have surprised me, then, that Tim came. Because it was like a demon from my past, come to taunt me at my weakest hour. Of course, Levi's best friend. The one whom he chose to replace me. The one who hurt me, time and time again.
It was easy to smile, through the emptiness in my soul.
"Hey..... Noelle?"
He was obvious surprised to see me. Obviously, my previous engagements at this spot hadn't merited his attention before, and he was both dubious and surprised.
"Hey, Tim."
"What are you doing?"
"I'm.... praying." I smiled easily.
"Oh." He seemed out of his league. He looked like he was just engaged in something, half distracted. I wondered if the curiosity had been too much to come over and confirm it was me, Levi's cast off. Sitting here in the dead of night on campus where she wasn't even a student anymore. No doubt wasn't something he had expected to see this night.
"Glad all the students are back?" I asked, redirecting the conversation.
He had been walking towards me as soon as he confirmed it was, indeed, Noelle, and now he was released to go away again. "Um, yeah, it's a lot louder now." I would later learn he had been on a phone call with his sister, which made sense of that comment, that he had come outside to talk to her. But I didn't understand it at the moment and fought the puzzlement. Hadn't he just been complaining it was too quiet last time we spoke? Boys.
"Well, you'll adapt. But I'm glad they're back."
"Me too. But I just wanted to make sure that.... you're okay.... you were just kind of zoned out over there, in your own world..."
Thanks, Tim, for not saying it out loud. You think I'm crazy. Well, that makes two of us.
I smiled reassuringly at him. Where did I get the acting skills? My heart was so dead. "Thank you, it's okay. I'm just taking some time to pray."
"Okay." and he walked away, and I put my earbuds back in and stared back at the hill. I could only wait a few seconds, trying to figure out how long it would take before he was out of sight, and then the smile faded and my heart burst with the pain his presence inflamed, and the tears began to burn and spill from my eyes. I left them fall and covered my face with my hands and just cried.
A bench at night in the cold. Once before, it was a frozen lake at night in the cold. I wish it were a lake again, instead of this stupid hill. Oh, to be that brave again. But I'm so broken.
When the tears ended, because I knew I was in public, I yanked up my music. I didn't want to think. I couldn't pray. There was nothing here but emptiness.... and yet I couldn't tear myself away.
I stood and walked over to the brink of the hill, forcing myself to concentrate. This night would soon be over and what would I have to look back on? I wanted to say I had the courage to at least pray. Didn't I still believe in God? I looked up at the stars above the naked tree branches and shuddered. Did I? Did I? Then why was everything so...... void?
I stared out at the hill and let the wind whip my skirt and I tried to focus on breathing. I didn't even feel like I was existing. I just felt.... so hollow. Like I wasn't even on earth.
Eventually, my feet got tired. I shifted them. Then I shifted them again, and they were still tired. And I was tired of shifting them. So I walked back to the bench, head down, eyes lost in the past. How many times did I come here that semester? And how many times did he never, ever come to me? Oh, that he would come to me.
I sat down, and it was hard. Because it was suddenly a trick of my mind, my sick, weak, crazy mind. But there he was, right beside me. In his suit, and wrinkly shirt, and the smell of his skin. And I could see the angle he always sat with, and I could see the curve of his collar, and the exact distance he would place between us. I could see his smile, a bit hesitant, because he hasn't seen me in so long. But so wonderful, so....... healing. Like a lifeline in a sea. Just when the darkness and weight of the waves pulling me down, yanking me up and into the air.
I lifted my hand and tentatively touched the emptiness where his vision blurred. The cold reality of metal met my fingers, rather than the rough hem of his coat. Tears filled my eyes, but then faded away in dazed fatigue. Just a dream. A useless, aged dream.
I don't know how long I sat there. Time faded, immaterial to me. It was still early, and it wasn't cold like the last time I was here. I would just be going home to a cold apartment, dark and empty and hopeless. And the thought of the drive, warm and alluring and deceptive, scared me. I wasn't in any shape to be driving. And I couldn't think of a reason to go. Where else did I have to go? So I just sat, and gazed at the hill, and played back memories from another lifetime. When we were close, when things were warm... when I was still innocent about love. I daydreamed about Levi.


And then Tim was back. And I resurfaced from my reverie reluctantly... but he scared me. I took out my earbuds politely, but I was wary. Why was he back. Didn't he have a gazillion friends or something to be hanging out with now? RA responsibilities? Great men of the Bible to read after? A girl to go pursue?
Why me.
I wanted to put my hands up to shield me.
Please, go away. Not tonight, please. I can't handle it.
But there he was. All nosy and curious and.... frustratingly present.
If I were the girl huddled under the cathedral shadow, or the girl in the bus on the way to the ice rink, I might have awakened at the thought that someone cared to seek me out.
But I wasn't.
They had killed that girl.
I just stared at him, and put on my empty smile, and wanted him to go away.
I couldn't hide all of the wariness. He'd obviously chosen to come back out of deliberation. And I was afraid I was about to get a lecture from someone who didn't have a clue. Unfortunately, I was right.
I don't remember all of the conversation. Just fragment bits and pieces from my distorted, adrenaline-soaked memory. Because him standing there flooded my body with nerves. I began to shake like a leaf, and I hoped he would assume it was the cold. But it wasn't. Because I wasn't cold. It was my nerves, shot through and through, unable to control themselves.
And he did lecture me. I don't remember what I told him about why I was out there. But I was too tired and too.... dead to even care anymore. I just looked at him, and the bitterness began to overwhelm me. Here he was, standing in his suit and coat on campus, looking down at me like he knew what was the best thing for me. When he had never walked in my shoes. Never would. He had always looked down on me. From the time he and Levi decided I was worthless, to the time he decided I had better get hurrying to get over Levi. Tonight.... when he decided I shouldn't be grieving what was lost. It made me so mad, I wanted to haul off and just.... combust.
But I didn't. I just sat there and hit him with my honesty. Honesty I should have kept in my stupid head and not let out. I told him I didn't like him. Told him I was scared of him and his sister. Told him about the cafeteria. About not speaking to me without a third person. That I didn't hate him but.... he definitely wasn't my friend. Told him that tonight was the one year mark.
I regret saying those things. It wasn't for him to know what they did to me. It was my burden to bear alone. And I just let him have it, like I didn't know what would happen. Because no one deals with my honesty well. The consequences are always so great.
Looking back.... ultimately, I'm surprised that he stayed. He stayed, and he talked to me. He didn't get mad at me, as far as I can tell. It was hard to know what he was thinking about me behind those imperious brown eyes, but it didn't seem like he was.... upset at me. He just joked a lot and tried to downplay things and just like a typical boy..... put everything into neat little boxes. But at the end of that night was the overwhelming feeling of.. awe. Awe that he came. That he spoke to me. That he tried to be a friend, when there was absolutely no reason to. It touched me, somehow. As mad as I was at him, as hurting as alone as I felt, I walked away with a sense of curiosity and wonder. Thanks, Tim, for making things even more confusing than before.

I wish I could remember how the conversation started exactly. And the chronology of our conversation might be a little bit out of order. But I just wanted to put it down. Like I used to write down my conversations with Levi, so I could mull them over later and try to decide what had just happened.

"Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine, just... praying. Why?"
Tim came around and stood in front of me. I was so afraid. What did he want with me? I watched him the way one watches a lion circling its prey, deciding the best direction to come in from. I don't know him. I didn't have a clue what he would do or say.
"It just looks kind of....queer, you out here just staring off by yourself. You know, I'm here if you want to talk to someone."
"Why would I talk to someone?" I asked tiredly. How many people had I confided in over the years to just be let down?
He looked embarrassed but still persistent. "I don't know.... like the song? Cast your burdens, upon Jesus..." He was literally singing it to me. A bus song. To me. In the middle of the night on campus. It was so ridiculously funny I would have laughed if I had been a third party.
"Yeah, who else am I going to talk to?" I sighed. I was so tired of the charade. I pointed to the hill. "I'm here for that."
He turned to look, puzzled.
"That hill. Remember the sermon Bro Rick preached a few weeks ago?"
"Yeah, I do."
"About your ten biggest failures in life?"
"Oh..." suddenly understanding was dawning in his dark eyes.
"You don't even know what today is, do you?" I couldn't hide the bitterness.
"Jan 12...." he was putting it together. "Something a year ago...?"
I nodded. "A year since Levi left me."
There was silence.
"He ran up that hill and never spoke to me again. So I came out here to pray. My biggest failure."
"Are you still down about that?" his voice held surprised and displeasure. I knew I was about to hear a lecture, and he gave it to me. About needed to move on. About God having things for my life. "You can't just sit here and mope around and look at that hill, because that doesn't give glory to God."
His words were so brutally open. I was surprised at his boldness. It has been so long since someone openly criticized me. I suppose I needed it, but, it hurt. Especially since I've been trying so hard to put on a good, healthy front that he would just cut me down like that.
"I wasn't here to mope. I was here to pray. I just want this year to be different. It's not about living in the past. It's about trying to make sure that I don't repeat the past mistakes. When I think about the way I was raised, the morals and values my Dad taught me... and I think about that night, the things I said, things I did, things I threw...." I let my voice trail off. "It is good for me to come here and remember. Didn't God tell the Israelites to set up memorial stones?"
"Yes, but, that was for times of God's greatest victories, Noelle."
"Well, can't God work through our failures, too?"
I guess that stumped him. But he was still persistent. "But I don't think you should just be here, looking at that year, focused on the past. I don't want to be awkward but, you are a very attractive young lady and there is a whole future ahead of you."
Oh. Great. Thanks, Tim. This is all a pity party because my relationship status is now single. I'm not like all the other Heartland girls, thankyou. I wanted to smugly tell him that I'd had a few offers but turned them down because I'm not like that, but I didn't bother. Plus, he wasn't finished.
"And I don't think it could all be your fault, anyways."
"Well... it may not have all been my fault, but.... it just came to the place where that didn't matter anymore. Because I knew better. I was a Christian longer. What's the point of pointing fingers?"
"Well I hear there is still a lot of finger pointing going about, I guess," he said. That surprised and saddened me.
"Oh, really? It doesn't matter to me. It was in the past. I can't change it. I came here to pray and try to learn from it. And why are you talking to me, anyways?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"It's not exactly like we are friends. You have been far from my friend, for that matter. Remember last semester? You guys would see me and turn and walk out of the cafeteria. Like I was poison or something to be avoided."
"I didn't avoid you. I just didn't have a reason to talk to you. I didn't really know you, and it would have been weird to talk to you when I was with Levi..." he tried to brush it off.
I just shook my head. "Well, it hurt. You treated me like that for months. And then you wouldn't even talk to me without a third person, remember? How was that supposed to make me feel?!"
He couldn't avoid that one. "I was scared!" he protested. "I didn't know what you were going to say to me!"
I snorted. "Yeah, scary little Noelle. What did you think I was going to do? Attack you? Humph! See me sitting here all normal and civilized. Nothing scary about me. And why would you be scared? I never even did anything scary. All I ever did was throw a coffee cup. Yeah, real scary."
He made a joke out of it. "Could have been a big coffee cup."
"Ha. Maybe."
"Well, I didn't know what you wanted. And all I heard was what they said about you...."
"Like what?" it was the first time I'd deliberately solicited the rumors that the WalMart club shared about me. I was afraid to hear his answer.
"You sat in his car or something?" he hedged, as if it wasn't important or he hadn't heard it from a trustworthy source.
It was so silly I wanted to laugh. That was it? What a crime. Instead of responding to it, I just looked back at the hill and remembered what it felt like to sit in Santana, in the dark and quiet, and live in the memories of when Levi and I were together. At least in Santana, I could pray undisrupted and didn't have to worry about people attacking my motives.
"He gave me the keys, actually." I said absently.
"But I don't understand you. I guess... I'm scared of you. I'm still expecting you to run off to the dorm and tell Levi all about me and have a good laugh."
"I hope you don't think that low of me."
'I don't know you at all. And that's the problem. Why did you just start talking to me all of the sudden? Remember the Hainlines? I barely slept for two days!"
"I can just go.... if you don't want to talk to me...." he was obviously taken aback and hurt. Great.
"You're already here. It's just that I was so surprised. I don't know why you changed."
"It was God's grace, working in me, okay? You couldn't see the process but God has been growing me."
The conversation shifted to Tim. Who apparently is paranoid of all the people looking at him, judging him. It was so funny to me. He shouldn't worry. He was plenty scary enough no one would mess would him. He looked way too serious about himself and all of life.
"Why were you even out here?"
"I was talking to my sister on the phone. You didn't see me? I was over there." He pointed to the flag pole.
Huh. I hadn't even noticed him. Makes sense why he came back to talk to me, then. He'd probably been watching me the whole time, even when I was bawling. Great. Just great, Noelle. Way to look like a total idiot.
"No I didn't notice."
We began to talk about his family. About his older sister, Charity, married to a cop in West Virginia. About how there had been some disagreement between Charity and his parents, and he sided with his parents, and it hurt their relationship. But now she was trying to make it up, it was just hard with their conflicting schedules.
"I'm glad to hear that. Not everyone gets a second chance to rebuild a relationship..." I said bitterly, sadly, achingly. "I didn't know you had another sister."
"Yes, and a younger one name Liz. She is almost grow-ed up, too."
"No brothers?"
"I have a brother. He's fifteen."
"Good grief. How many are you?!"
"Just five."
"Oh." I calmed down. Big families weird me out. "There's four of us."
"I met your older sister."
"Really?" that surprised me and was funny in a way. "How?"
"Through Jason Baker? I was over at his place and they were talking about youtube videos..." he told me a story about it but my mind didnt' process everything he was saying.
"You don't watch youtube?" I was puzzled at his tone.
"Well, yes, but...."
"Your parents were strict," I realized.
"Yes."
Mine, too, but that didn't make me paranoid, I wanted to say.
"Did you ever meet Steven?"
"No."
"Oh. You would have liked him. He was my best friend. He kicked in a door here, once."
"Haha. I only heard about him because apparently he had like... the perfect haircut. And always dressed fashionably."
I beamed. How I miss my Steven. "Yes, that is Steven. I learned all my fashion sense from him."
"And I don't have any," Tim joked about himself.
I looked at his standard suit with blue shirt. Yup, nothing fashionable about that, even if it looked sharp. "It's okay. You can just read GQ and acquire fashion taste."
"But I don't really need to."
I shrugged. Okay... be boring if it floats your boat? I don't understand that but I didn't want to pursue it. This was awkward. He'd already flat out called me pretty.
On and on the conversation went. All night.
Dorm out of heat, power down.
Not friends w Levi bc of job change. Pharmacy. Fills prescriptions. Closes at 9.
Gave me his number. Gave him mine.
Facebook. His birthday. Photographic memory.
"Or you could just reactivate your facebook..." he told me.
He was scared when he got my Note. Pretty handwriting. Second compliment of the night.
Only 19. Sigh. What a child.
Walking home. No car. Shuttle pass or giving.
4.0 GPA's. Good thing we're not friends.
Facebook.
Moses not being able to go into the promised land.
Levi not his best friend. Ben Sprenger is.
Roommates with Joe Klimas.
Summer in Ohio. Being bashed as a Bible college student.
Working with kids. Getting his suit dirty.
My ministries.... but they don't count. Only visitation. Friend Day. He encouraged me to help people more.
If you hate being an RA so much, why are you one? I just want to be a blessing to someone.
Oh, look, there are some of my biggest judges. Well.. I don't know them, if it makes you feel better.
Anna and Brittany walk by. Oh and now I'm going to be in big trouble. Why? I don't care what they think. You shouldn't either.
It's my biggest character flaw. It used to be a lot worse. Wow, I can't image that. It must have been really painful.
Sleeping through New Years. Like the disciples in the garden, sleeping in stead of praying.


On and on... I wish I could have captured the conversation.

Something I said hurt him towards the end. I couldn't figure it out. It looked like he was kicked, and I felt so badly, but he just kind of waved it off vaguely. I felt sad.
Problems with your sister? He bought her a diamond necklace for Christmas.
A little sister name Liz... and a little brother who is fifteen and I can't remember his name. But he talked about her being grown up.
We talked about blacks and their improper language. About ancient English. About "look" versus "appear." About the breadth of the Russian language. Just little bits of conversation that I want to store up... random memories.
We talked about the Duffet's church. About the long drive up to Alaska, except his family stayed in motels and we slept in the car. About the Crown Victoria, and how Kendon was small. Which led him to ask how Kendon was, and I told him I didn't see him much thanks to our opposite schedules. And he asked if I was still at Panera....
.... and I froze.
I looked at him, and his eyes looked too dark. Like he was asking for Levi, instead of me. Why did he want to know? What was he going to do with the information? Once, having a new job gave me a sense of advantage over Levi, some small pitiful leverage against the fact that he hold the world over me. If I gave this to his best friend.... what would I have now?
He saw me hesitate. I tempered it with a tired smile, but I decided if I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly. I was breaking all the rules I'd set for myself tonight, anyways. I told him I was still at Panera, and then also at Midland Mortgage. That it was very stressful. He didn't ask more than that. I was relieved, but still felt like I'd lost something.
Except that I found out that Levi was graduating. This May. I was shocked... I was unprepared. I didn't know what to do. Could he see the pain and greif of teh shock on my face? I tried to explain that I hadn't thought he could, with so many failed classes, and Tim proceeded to bash Levi about being very smart and able to pass classes when he wanted.
All I could see what the tired little Levi with bloodshot eyes struggling to study over breakfast with me on just three hours of sleep and starting to cry. And wanting to hold him so badly. And my heart breaking. What did Tim know?
"He's not smart. He's brilliant." I said quietly, definitely. Always his biggest fan.
I looked off into the darkness, and the ache was so bad I couldn't help say it out loud. "I miss him so much."
"Why?" Tim looked so puzzled.
Engaged. In love. Twirling me through the spangled twilight air. His sweet voice, soft comfort, gentle silliness. All the dreams. His family. Why, indeed?
I looked at him... and the greif was timeless. He couldn't understand my soul, how deep the love went. "Because he was my best friend."
"He was a slob, and unstable, Noelle. He couldn't get up in the morning. He couldn't take care of himself. He would act weird. Sometimes I was like, okay, and how old are we?"
I was never so mad at Tim as I was at that moment when he began to bad talk Levi to me. How. Dare. He. I wanted to start crying... yelling at him... something. I was so mad I just sat there, silent, unable to even think of a good comeback.
"He's not perfect, Tim," I finally stuttered. "He needs good influences and time to grow."
"I agree, and I'm not trying to point fingers, we all need to grow.." and then he went off on some sermon about something or another and lost me again. All I could think of was his words. Of how they hurt me. So badly. Levi. My best friend. I miss you. I love you. How could I defend someone who doesn't want me? It's so bizarre.
And the thought that Levi is graduating.... moving on.... gone, forever.... it rocked my world. It was the biggest thing I took away that night. I only have a few weeks, and then my best friend will be gone forever. Just like that. Gone. I wasn't ready.
Time kept talking. He said that last year he was praying about a relationship with someone but it didn't work out. I knew it was Alex; I was right; she is with someone else right now.... poor, poor Tim. But I can't feel too badly. Part of me feels so maliciously pleased that he had a disappointment, too, even though it is nothing in scope of what I faced.
"you're enjoying bashing me, aren't you?" he asked, half joking. I was afraid of the half truth. I couldn't figure out exactly how I felt about him. Were the nerves in my stomach really fear? Or were they something else, something I never had to face before with someone? Why did I say, "If I say it's better now, will you just leave?" and why did that statement seem so morose? It didn't make sense.
None of it did.
All I know is he stayed with me until curfew. And he didn't have to. And when he left, and I left, forcing myself to laugh lightly and start walking away like I didn't have a care.... my stomach was still a mess.
And I couldn't help but slow at the hill. Thinking about Levi, more precious and dear to me than Tim. More meaningful, deeper, lasting. I miss the depth of that love. I miss it so much. No one matters nearly the same. At all.
But I clutched my phone with his number and felt.... strangely happy. I don't know why. Why would I be happy? I am so confused. None of it makes sense, and it is my fault, I suppose. My fault to be there when he would be around. I should have just stayed away. But I didn't know he'd come lecture me. I didn't know he'd belittle it. And it hurt. He has no idea. What do you do when your life has been destroyed? And you're standing there, looking at the devastating howl of the wind in the emptiness, and someone comes up and lectures you about it? It's so unfair. Maddeningly so.


But I have his number. Proof that conversation was real.


It's so confusing.


I miss you, Levi.


Your star,
Rigel