Pray with Me

Dear Levi,

1.20.2014

Sunday night, we texted. I told him that I was afraid of him walking away. He told me that I was very noticeable, and a wonderful person. It confused me. Why did he have to be so nice? He shouldn't care about me at all. And I didn't need compliments. Levi would never look at me again. I tried to keep the conversation light by sending him pix of Patrick, and then he said that he was a nobody RA. That made me sad. I tried to encourage him, and then he fell asleep on me. =)

Monday morning, I awoke from screaming nightmares. Screaming for Levi, for Tim, for the past to not happen. My throat was raw and my head was pounding. It was hard to breathe, chest pains so bad I was afraid I was having a heart attack. And I'm only twenty four. He asked how often it happened, and I told him it was more often. And definitely more often with stress.... which meant, with him in my life. But I didn't say it aloud. He wouldn't understand.

I tried to encourage him for classes, then ran off to work. I put down a rule in my head that I would not text him at work. It would start a bad habit. He texted me inbetween classes, which surprised me. I didn't expect him to think about me around his other friends. He had Intro to Biblical Counseling, Eschatology, Anthropology and then Joshua/Judges/Ruth. What a full day. It made me miss the classes I never got and long so badly to go back.

He was happy on break, and then he went to work. Apparently, he loves hot tea. Well, that is useful since we drink it so much in Ukraine.

I went to hang out with Bailey and Pearl and buy a fish, but I was so tired and my headache was ridiculous. I could barely see, the pain was so bad. Tim was tired on his break, and I sent him a picture of the sunset.

I actually ended up at Walmart so they could do shopping, and I timidly passed the pharmacy. I didn't see him. I wouldn't have had the guts to go say hi, anyways. I saw my enemies.... all of them, except for Levi. I miss you so much, babe. Where are you??????

When I went home, I let the tears fall down. So sad. So alone. I wanted to sleep but Kendon had left the apartment a mess, so first I cleaned and scrubbed. Then I curled up on the couch and began to write on the blog and eventually fell asleep.

I woke up to Tim getting off work, almost ten o'clock at night. We talked about the fish Bailey picked out, and teased each other. At one point, when I was afraid the teasing was going too far, I backed off. But he said he thought I was sweet. It made me smile sadly. Sweet. Like my dad's nickname, Sweetpea. Like how I loved Levi, my sweet prince.

I told Tim that I missed Steven the way Amanda loved on him. He seemed to like that. I miss my brother. I wish Tim could meet him.

He asked me how much I sleep. It was so funny and I felt awkward. He didn't need to worry about my health. But I tried to be honest. And when he asked about the nightmares, I turned him gently away and told him he didn't know a lot of my story yet. I gave him the lyrics from my hymn, How Firm a Foundation.

I was worried to wear Tim out. Like Levi had eventually gotten tired and then mad with me and then left me. He said he had to stay up to do lights out. That tickled me. I had never been friends with an RA. I was teasing him about it, but he came back really strong and finished with, "Why don't you just go to sleep?"

I froze.

All the playfullness evaporated. I could hear my dad yelling at me. Brad. And Levi. Why don't you just leave me alone?

Tears pooled in my eyes and made the headache worse.

Apparently, he had been teasing and tried to explan, but I could barely see through the tears. When he tried to backtrack, I cried harder. Why do I ruin everything? I told him he scares me. I couldn't tell him it is because in my nightmares, he is always standing over me gloating, triumphant, at the wedding of Levi and Anna.

He offered to call. And I wanted him to. But I was afriad of making things worse, since it was even harder to understand him over the phone.

"I'm not angry, honey I promise. Make what things worse?" he asked so gently.

It freed me, it broke me. "I feel so stupid and just... scared. For you to go away again. And I can't follow. I'm not welcome in your world."

"You are more than welcome in my world."

Except that I wasn't. And I told him. And he called me. We tried to talk about it, but I kept crying. It was so hard to be friends with him and not feeling all the pain, all the fear of making a wrong move. He told me about his call to go to the Congo, and it was incredible. So, so, incredibe.

"Noelle, I'm here for you. I have to go do lights out night but if you need me, you call me, ok?"

I couldn't promise.

"Noelle, promise me."

"I'll try...." I whispered.

"No, that's not what I said. Promise you'll call me, Noelle."

Why? Why did he have to make me promise? Because I would learn to trust him and then one day, he wouldn't be there. Just like Levi. I wouldn't be welcome to call him anymore. I would need to call him, to have him there for me, like tonight I needed Levi and I wouldn't be welcome to call anymore. I hung up, sobbing.

I ended up curled up on the bathroom floor, heaving in a panic attack, blood dribbling from my bitten lips. Everything hurt. I needed to calm down, but I couldn't. Levi. You left me. You left me. You left me, broken.

Poor Tim.

He was still texting me, that he was there, trying to be positive. But I needed him to be real. So I asked him to call and pray with me. That's what I needed. I needed prayer, not promises that would some day be reversed.

And he called, and he prayed. It was the most beautiful, the most sincere and broken hearted prayer I've heard. I never knew someone could pray like that in real life, with someone they don't know. He prayed about being so little and helpless but he prayed like God really, really cared. And he prayed for me. He prayed a long, long time. Earnest and soft and just..... strong, when I needed a friend to be strong.

When he was ready to hang up, I realized I was falling asleep. My brain was shutting down. It was too much trauma. Too much stress. He laughed at my sleepiness.

"Goodnight my beautiful friend, I won't text you till you text me that you're awake =) Okay? I don't want to wake you. Lala salama. =)"

And I let the tired, sad tears roll to my pillow and said the words in my head. Beautiful friend. Friend, beautiful. I fell asleep, then realized I had sent him the text that I only thought was in my head.

"Spokoinoi nochi moyemu drugu, bil vrag i teper, moi vozlublyennii. Goodnight, Tim."

Your star,
Rigel

Friendship

Dear Levi,

1.18.2014

It was an interesting day, waking up after all night with Tim to the sweet, trilling chime of his texts. Could we really be friends? It was amazing to me. I worried, but, I didn't want to. I wanted to just relax and enjoy what God was doing. Healing an old enmity. Amazing.

On Sunday, I sang in the ensamble. I helped in my 7th grade class. And I took Zhenya out to teach her to drive. I bought my computer, the HP Split x2 I'm writing this on right now. Drove to church with my car full of friends and chased some random Mexican losers waving at us girls. It was a fun, blissful day. If it weren't for the ache of seeing you and Anna. You were so animated, so happy and bouncy at her side. It pierced me through with sadness. As joyous as my life was becoming, it didn't compare to your absence. It never would be okay.

Tim came up to talk to me at church after Zhenya and I put on our makeup in the bathroom. I teased him he was stalking me, but I was actually so glad he caught me in the hall rather than in front of you and Anna. It was hard for me to talk to him in person. I was still afraid of him, of the memories. He looked unsure of himself, too, but I had to give us both points for trying. I followed him into the balcony but didn't linger when he stopped at his seat. I gently dismissed myself and went to sit with my girls. We filled up a whole row. I was blessed. But I couldn't take away the pain of knowing you and Anna were just across the balcony, and didn't want me.

I took ten bucks to each of the missionary kids from the Sehelsteds who presented tonight, missionaries to Romania. I hoped it would be a blessing to them as it would have been to me on furlough. And I texted Tim and apologized for bailing on him. I told him it was still hard for me. He didn't seem mad. He seemed to understand. It was a huge blessing.

After church, I went to hang out on campus. And then I went to pray at my bench. Tim was at a care leader meeting at the Landes. Part of me was so sad. I was never chosen to do any of that kind of stuff. I wanted to be a leader at the Naval Academy so badly. I would never have that experience.

But I sat there and looked at the hill and prayed. When Tim got back, a few minutes before curfew, he came to me. He teased me for calling it "my hill." It was awkward... unsure, talking to him in real life. It was so much easier view texting. But after spending all night listening to me cry, I told myself not to be a coward and dragged my pretty boots over to the bench to at least give him a few minutes of my presence.

It was hard, when he came walking up, holding a frappe from MacDonalds, white shirt unbuttoned. He looked so much like you, Levi. Not quite as tall, not as handsome to me, eyes not quite the same caramel. But so much alike it took my breath away and left my stomach trembling. I miss you so, so much.

We only had a few moments, then I walked away for curfew. Tim texted me, saying I was trying to tell him not to be my friend. And it was true. I had to admit it. I am afraid of what will happen, because he's going to figure out that I'm not fixable. That I will never, ever run right again. Will never want anyone but you. Never be able to get over that pain. Never be able to trust again. fully bask in God's blessing, come onto campus without seeing that hill.

I am scared.

Your star,
Rigel

All Nighter

Dear Levi,

1.17.204



Dear Levi,

You were once the only one who spent an all nighter talking to me. Saving me. Praying with me. I never thought anyone else could have that sacrifice inside. But apparently you chose well in your best friend. Because he did, too.

I was so tired after my double at Panera and when I got home, I brushed my teeth and began reading my Bible. I was still turning over the conversation from last night. He knew I was sick. And he hadn't said anything all day. He probably never would again. That was where Lucas drew the line, and Tim probably wouldn't be any different.

I was puttering around when my phone trilled, shimmering, sweet tones.

I froze. It was so late. Eleven o'clock at night.


Hey, how was your day?
Well, hello, Tim. I wasn't sure what to do. Ignore it? Answer? Curiosity got the best of me.


Hello =) Just got off work, actually. How was yours?

It was pretty long! But God is still good =) I'm sure excited for tomorrow!! I get to see my bus kids. =)
I was slow to answer, letting him get a taste for what it's like to wonder if it's ever coming. Plus, I was stumped what to say. Why did he have to be so.... precious? I could feel my heart softening, and that wasn't a good sign.

God is good all the time. =) Is that your favorite ministry?

Yes! I love it!! So the water heater is out here in the dorm..... super cold shower just now.

I was toweling off myself from a steaming hot shower. I smiled, feeling guilty. I didn't miss the ghetto dorms of Heartland. I tried to think of something helpful.

You could heat water in the microwave since there is no stove. We never have hot water in Ukraine, it seemed. Don't get sick!

lol Do you remember where I'm from? It isn't like I've never taken a cold shower before =) I'm just glad some of these stinkers are manning up and washing lol

Cold showers don't count when it's hot outside! =P

It wasn't always hot where I lived, either =P

It was Africa!!!!! Define 'not hot'..... like 50? lol

It was 6,000 ft altitude. lol. Okay you got me =) We probably hit below 50 a few times a year =)

Doesn't count =)

Says who?

I can't imagine that. Didn't you miss the cold? Autumn? Snow?? Says someone for whom -60 below zero was a normal winter day!

Hmmm nope... maybe on Christmas =) I think I do like the crisp cold now though (despite OK wind though) I love sunshine, warmth, not heat, where I lived we averaged in the 70's to low 80's with no humidity.

Oklahoma is not cold, just sort of bitter. And yes. Sunshine and warmth is nice for a little while but it's no fun to dress for!! =P

lol True especially for girls ;) I miss home

Well you can only do so much with a tee shirt. It gets boring lol. Why do you miss it the most?

Boring. I see. I miss everything, the stars that dot the sky like diamonds, the sunsets that set it on fire, the peace of perfect nature, the hustle and bustle of the market place, the warmness of the people, the joys of a simple life, my family, my church, my friends, my home. What do you miss the most?

That was really beautiful. =)

=)

I miss the sky so cold you can hear the stars shimmer, fruit trees dropping sweetness along every street, so many millions in every direction just lost and oppressed, cobblestone streets and crumbling architecture. I miss my couch and my turtles. Of all, I miss my dad most.

I miss my dad, too.

Is he like you?

I miss my baby sister though she isn't a baby anymore.

I miss Steven. He always had my back and taught me to be brace. I miss his laugh.

Some say we're alike, I don't know it's hard to say.

I often wondered about his family, and especially his parents. What would they be like??

Why don't you go home over the summer like Amanda?

But I'm glad to be where God has me for now. I'm content! Though I can't wait to grow up lol and mature! Jesus told me no.

I know they miss you back. But it is good you can find happiness here =) Pffft if you grow any older you'll be a wrinkly little old man!

What are you trying to say Noelle?

Don't you start that. You yourself said you seem older than you are! =P

There was a lengthy pause. I curled up in bed and tried to breathe, in and out, getting ready to fall asleep. I began to worry when he didn't respond.

I was teasing.

Lol.

I was afraid I upset you.

Don't bring what I said into this.... besides, I thought we determined I was a "baby." Nah, Clay Corder and I were spending some time in prayer.

I remembered calling him that on January 13th when he came over to my hill and my bench and tried to preach at me and help me for the first time. He remembered. And I loved the thought of guys in the dorm praying. It seemed.... just how it was supposed to be.

Okay good =) I must be more selective with my words if you will remember them so pointedly... I honestly couldn't call you that. Praying for no more cold showers tomorrow. Seems smart ;) lol

What a baby or old man =) I must be one or the other =P

Well....... I'd say you're closer to an old man. Maybe middle aged. Like forties.

Haha thanks..... I guess =)

You're welcome. Can I ask you something?

The playful was wonderful but I couldn't help thinking about the tears last night.

Sure.

What was it that made you so adamantly reject the shuttle? Did you just not transportation or was it was from me? The girl who you guys hate so much..... I silently finished in my head.

I didn't want transportation, and partially cuz I'm proud (I don't think I need help) and you're a pretty girl buying something for me which could be taken the wrong way. Why did you buy it for me?

I can't explain it except God told me to. I was worried you'd react just like you did....... but He wouldn't let it go. If it was my brother, I would have hoped someone would have cared. And my dad helped me with the funds. I don't know how tell him you forced it back ='(

I got scared. I didn't know your motives or anything. Look at it from my perspective. I read into it I suppose.

Something about his words made the old anger flare up. The fact he was suspicious of me and assuming some kind of ulterior, depraved motive hurt my pride.... hurt me deep. The anger flared so deep it began ripping at the hurt inside. The loss of Levi. My bitterness against them both. Against all of them.

You tell someone you're befriending about a need and they try to help. What a crime. Downright scandalous, really. I mocked him, the bitterness sharp. I kept going with the next thought, where he'd called me a pretty girl with wrong motives. Tim Mickey, RA, scared of Levi's cast off. What a thought. If you're afraid of me why talk to me at all. I'm sure no one has noticed the 3 occasions you have spoken to me in public, but just in case, you'd better stop, right?

I could have kept going. But I didn't. I stopped and wrapped my arms around my aching ribs and tried to bite down the anguished, gargled cry of pain.

No I wasn't scared of ohers as much as I was scared of you. False. Why would you say that?

His sentences were too disjointed. I couldn't figure them out.

I don't understand.

Sorry for not being perfect.... never claimed to be.

Those words sounded just like Brandon, so immature and selfcentered that he was. It made my anger even greater. I took a deep breath and tried to figure out why he thought I was accusing him of being imperfect. But something wasn't clicking.

I don't understand your words, to be afraid of me.

I was the one afraid of him. What did he have to be afraid of me about? He and Levi never acted afraid of me. They always walked around so imperiously.

And you aren't Levi's cast off. I wasn't sure what your intentions were.

I tried to figure that out. Of course he would narrow out that one expression. I shuddered to think why. Is that what they called me? Worse? And what could my intentions have possibly been? I didn't know him.

I don't understand what you think they might have been that caused you to feel afraid of me I wasn't trying to hurt you in any way. I was just trying to be a small part of a friend.

I appreciate that, I really do. I'm stupid, can we leave it at that?

But I was too hurt, too mad, too fragile. He wasn't going to get away with contradicting me on something so important.

Oh. I'm not? Yeah I'm sure you guys had worse names than that for me. I'd rather not find out, though, thanks. If you wish...... but I don't think that's accurate, because you aren't stupid at all.

I never got any farther.

Tim was calling me again.

Frustration and pain eased up a little bit but I rolled over and put my head between my knees before answering. I was so tired, so stressed.

"Are you going to make a habit of calling me?" I didn't mean to bite his head off, but my temper was stretched so thin.

He was quiet. "No."

And we talked. He told me, basically, that he thought I was hitting on him by buying the shuttle pass. I was surprised and amused and angry at the same time. I told him I didn't hit on guys by buying them stuff. I told him I would never hit on another guy after what Levi did to me. And I told him that I didn't even want to buy it. How I hated him, the very thought of him, and how I didn't want to spend my money on him, but God wouldn't let it go. I was crying by I was done.

"I knew you were going to just throw it back in my face, and you did!" I cried.

He was quiet and apologized. I think he realized how shallow he was being, thinking I was hitting on him. Just because Mandii and Alex and half the freshmen girls thought he was something, I was several years older and that wasn't the point. I would never look at anyone else after Levi.

"He never spoke about you. Never mentioned you ever," Tim said softly. That hurt so badly. Never? Not once? "Why did you break up, Noelle?"

I took a deep breath. He really wanted to know? Well, here it goes.

And I told him my story. From the Naval Academy, to the neuro science university in Chicago, to Levi helping me when I was so broken, to falling in love, to getting engaged, to that awful break, to the silence of those months. I had already reminded Tim of how he was a part of that hurtful semester, but I included it again to give it a deeper picture for him. I didn't talk about Brad and Andrea, or the sickness, or the fainting, or the multiple suicide attempts in Chicago, or the car wreck. That was too deep. Too deep. I spoke about the night I went to Walmart crying, and how he and Anna laughed at me. About how that broke me. About the summer. About how when I tried to move on, God brought Tim in. About the Hainlines. About knowing Levi would never, never come back. About wanting to die so badly.

"You really want to die, Noelle?" He asked me, and I could hear the criticism in his voice.

And part of me realized that I didn't want to. I wanted a long life with Levi. I wanted to live again. The sobs came so hard and fast.

"No, Tim! I don't want to die, I want to live! I want to grow old, and watch my hair turn grey! I want to see my nieces and my nephews! I want to take care of my parents!"

"Noelle, God is still big."

But I couldn't help sob. And it was Tim's turn to talk. He apologized for.... everything. One thing after another. He told me about praying for Dallas for nights on end, about leading him to the Lord. About never hearing from his since. About wanting to serve God, and be used of him. I could hear his voice break. I could fear the fire of zeal to be something good in this world.

We talked... all night.

He was apparently in the laundry room. I was curled up on the floor.

But we talked. About all sorts of things. Random things I can't remember. About Alex, the girl he likes so much. About his bus kids. About mine. His parents, apparently, had gone to Fairhaven and so he'd been there. What a small world.

I was afraid he'd be so tired. And I had to work a double. But I just didn't want him to go... because I knew we would never have this night again, like I would never have those nights with Levi again in Ukraine when he was there for me.

Three o'clock... four. His phone was dying. Then it died. But he texted me.

You know what?

What?

Just in case, you didn't know, you are beautiful.

Why do you say that?

Because it's true.

It's just very random. Thank you, though. I used to think I could be pretty until I broke my nose. Twice. Didn't have a doctor to set it. So I know it's not true =)

Well, I don't know. I just thought you might wanna know. And by the way, I mean more than just how you look. I mean who you are.

Thank you, Tim. I wish I'd have known you a long time ago. I have been praying for you since the day I met you! But I am so humbled that now, you would let me be a small part of your life.

You were praying for me?

Every. Single. Day. =) A year and a half now. =) Never missed once.

Why?

And I told him. Why. About Levi pointing him out. And then before it was quite time, Tim was ready to end things.

Goodnight, beautiful friend.

It was probably the most precious thing anyone has called me since Levi called me his snow princess. It made the tears start again.

Lala Salamba, Tim.

Levi, you would be so proud of Tim. You would be proud of your girl. Remember talking about Davina's ex-husband and how they all sat around at Christmas just talking, the pain and hurt restored? That's what this night felt like.

And Tim knew almost everything about me, and he called me a beautiful person. Rather than running and calling me crazy. It didn't make sense..... I was lost in the wonder of it all. I wish you were here to help me sort it out. I miss you. Tuck me in, Levi? Please?

Your star,
Rigel

Truths

Dear Levi,

1.16.2014

I couldn't keep the sense of wonder out of my day on Thursday. I kept looking at my phone, checking to see that his text messages were, in fact, right there on my phone. I squinted at them a couple of times and shook my head. It wasn't too farfetched to assume I was crazy enough to hallucinate something like that. Tim, friends with me? It was the most absurd, ridiculous thing in the world. He hated me. And I.... well, I didn't like him much myself, not when I was always crying just looking at him and thinking about Levi.

But it was real.

There they were, living proof.

He had been kind, courteous, and warm. I ran the conversation through my head. Why was it so perfect? Surely, I'd overlooked something.

It was a long day at work. I learned I wasn't going to win first place for homesaver, so I wouldn't be getting the television. That made me sad and a little bit upset, because my competitive streak doesn't like to come in second when I was so close to being first.

But God knew what he was doing.

When it was time to rush home and shower, I beat my record from the past two nights. I took the time to curl my hair tonight, and wore warm golds and chocolates. With the boots from Italy and my sapphire coat, I almost felt whole as I drove to campus, singing along to the radio. That is, if it wasn't for the gaping hole in my chest, where Levi's absense roars.

When I got to campus, he wasn't at the doors. That was okay. I wasn't sure that I could look him in the face and not look completely ridiculous, trying to figure out if I'd imagined the conversation or not. I picked up the pace, a bit more confident without him there, and then was surprised when it was him who opened it. Apparently, my vision is dying faster than I thought. Dang.

I shook his hand but I was trembling so badly. I wanted to rush on in and hide, but an old teacher was standing two feet in and shook my hand, then proceeded to engage me in conversation. I shrank back, knowing Tim would be overhearing it. Why was I so scared? Like he was going to explode and hurt me? I don't know. The flight instanct was overpowering my body, keeping me shaking.

When I finally managed to hide back in the grandstands, I prayed like crazy for God to calm me down. I sat next to Phoenix, the Hogues' teenage daughter, and helped engage her in conversation. They invited me to the very back row - I'd never sat there before - and I felt silly being so far up, but I couldn't convince them to move closer. Silly teenagers.

During the presenations, I had fifty dollars I took out of my savings to give. I gave it right away to the first presentor. But when the third man came up to present, I couldn't help but feel God whispering, "A computer, Noelle?"

I swallowed and realized I was trembling again. Stupid nerves.

"But God.... I'm scared. What if they don't use the money right? I've been saving so long."

God didn't really have to say anything. My argument was feeble enough. I stood and gave away another fifty. A whole hundred dollars, just like that. Gone.

But it felt so good. I felt peace in my heart, even excitement. What could God do with a freewill offering? I'd never given one so large before. The sermon was hard for me to follow... but I was sad when the conference ended.

Mandii texted me, asking if I was here. I told her yes. She said she was coming back from work, would I wait for her?

I hadn't seen her since before Christmas break. We barely spoke. It made me sad. She was my little freshman roommate to me, and I missed her. She had been so kind when Levi left me. She had really cared. And I missed her, her hugs.

I didn't see Tim anywhere, and I kicked myself for being such a coward. He had been so kind, and I had been so..... Noelle. Sigh.

I didn't want to stand around waiting for her inside the chapel, so I went outside to sit on the ledge by the steps like I used to in happier days. The stars were pretty and people were rushing around so no one paid attention to me. I looked up at the stars and let the peace of God's presence trickle down.

"Hey."

Holy crap. It was Tim Mickey, hesitantly approaching me from the darkness, up the ramp to tower above me. How had he found me?

I decided to stay as calm as possible. "How are you?"

"Good, how are you?"

"You know, I'm quite proud of us," I moved the conversation. "Do you realize that we had our first, nice, normal conversation?"

"It wasn't really a real conversation..." he began to debate playfully.

I rolled my eyes, undeterred. "There was a beginning, and an end, and words inbetween. That's a conversation. And it was all nice and kind. I'll take it."

"So how are you doing, really?"

Why did he care so much? I looked away, trying to figure out how to be honest but not scary. "Like the song? It is well with my soul? You know when he wrote it, he had lost his family at sea when the ship went down, his business, and Chicago was on fire. Just because there were trials going on, it was still okay. That's how I am. There's stuff I'm trying to cope with, but I'm okay, Tim. It is well with my soul."

He thought about it, then asked, "Well, what's your ship?"

I wanted to let my chin drop. It was such a direct, personal question. I couldn't fathom a reply because Mandii tapped my shoulder from behind.

"Um, hi." she looked in surprise and interest between me and Tim.

I took my escape.

"Mandii!" I threw my arms around her and hugged her tight, and huge tears jumped in my eyes. I couldn't explain it. It was like my heart was breaking. Tim, why did you have to ask? Why do you care? Why doesn't Levi?

She chatted for a moment, and Tim was hanging out in the shadows, still waiting.

There was no way I was going to be able to talk to him about things with Mandii there. And I owed it to Mandii to make her my priority, since she had asked to speak with me and Tim just happened on me on chance. As much as I longed to speak with Tim, I had to make a decision.

I turned to him as kindly and gently as I could. "Do you mind if we finish this conversation at another time?"

He raised his eyebrows but didn't protest. "Sure."

"Thanks." I smiled as softly as I could.

He turned and walked away. I grabbed Mandii in another hug and tried not to start bawling.

"Noelle, why are you crying!"

I began to laugh at her horror. This was going to be a good night. I couldn't talk to her about it, it was too personal. But I dragged her inside and asked her about her life and shared a few warm, happy hours with my old rommate, answering her questions, trying to gieve her godly counsel for her problems.

But I couldn't get Tim's question out of my mind.

"What is your ship, Noelle?"

Levi.

Always, only, my love for Levi.

I felt bad for turning Tim down. But I was so scared to talk to him. Scared to think about things. When Mandii went back to the dorms, I looked at my clock. It was still pretty early. I took a risk and sent him a casual text.


I'm still on camus if you want to finish that conversatio, but I know it's late...

I'm actually off campus as of now.
Oh. I was surprised that it was disappointment, not releif, flooding me. I was curious.


Hopefully, not walking?

lol of course not!

Just checking =)
Well if you wanna finish it, I'm all ears =)


I froze. Over the phone? It seemed so insignificant in regards to what we would be talking about. I would want to see his facial expressions so I could know how much, exactly, I should tell him about things.


You said these conversations don't count!

I was actually about to comment on how you say they do!

Beat you =)
I had to smile.


You did! Well maybe you can convince me that it does count =) lol I'm listening.

From whence comes your persistence?
That was the biggest question. Why did he want to know? What was he going to do with the knowledge? It was frightening.


You initially brought it up through the medium of text ;)
His flippancy wasn't helping my nerves. Plus, I was offended. He had said I was moping over Levi.... now he seemed to be suggesting I was trying to talk about my past. Which was the farthest from my intentions as possible.


Only because you always ask!

Okay then let's forget about it? What's up?
At least he wasn't going to fight about it, but I wasn't sure what to think. I decided to address the issue another way.


So the thing that puzzles me is while everyone accepts that I'm dealing with things, you don't. It's like you see right through me. Did you know that? Because it's scary.

What do you mean I see right through you?
I just told you! I sighed and tried to figure out how to reiterate it. I took the previous conversation as an example. Well. Like when I say it's fine like the songwriter said, it is well, but somehow you see the burning ship and most others don't.


Maybe I perceive what others don't. Why are you scared tho?
Why, why, indeed. How do you just tell the truth? I closed my eyes and sent the three words I knew would change everything.


Because I'm sick.
Sick.... sick..... a hundred horrible screaming demons in my head. Physically, yes, but also emotionally and maybe permanently. I let the tears begin to roll down my cheeks as I drove to Isola Bella and pulled into the pavilion parking lot, where I could watch the moonlight on the water.


How so?
Just two little words. It didn't tell me what he was thinking.


It's hard for me to talk about, Tim. And I barely know you. The one friend I had and trusted, he left me. So now I'm sicker and.... it's not make sense to trust someone again. I just know God is here and I hope I get to be with him soon.
Did that make sense? Yes, I'm sick. Yes, it's hopeless. But I'm okay. Because I can sit here at the lake and cry, and know Levi will never come back, but I still have the hope of heaven.

He didn't respond for a while. I decided to be even more honest, and let the bitterness creep in.


And I'm sorry, that when you talk to me you feel it gets your in trouble with your coworkers and friends. I'm sorry I'm still here. I wish I could disappear faster.
If only. I recalled him shutting the door in my face at the Hainlines, and the tears slipped down faster. Whey couldn't I slip into that lake and be gone?

My phone shook and I looked down to see his number, calling me.

I froze, panic and shock gripping me. I didn't want to talk to him on the phone.... I hate phone calls. But if I didn't answer, he was going to hit my voicemail and hear that message. Then what would he think of me? I made a snap decision and answered, but my voice was rough from crying and I leaned my head weakly against the steering wheel.

"What do you want, Tim?"

"Are you okay?"

I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. His care wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter, it wouldn't. Just a mirage in the desert. But how badly I longed for water.

"I'm fine."

"What did you mean, you're sick?"

"I'm sick. I have amsometropia. I'm going blind."

His message he must have sent just before calling came through.


So you were speaking metaphorically? Well I don't blame you for not wanting to trust me, but I can sincerely say I only have your best interst in mind.
And we talked.

I told him a little bit. About being sick. About being scared.

He was quiet. He listened. His voice was like a whisper over the line, so faint at times I could barely hear it. It made me frustrated to ask him to repeat himself but I didn't know him which made the missing lines even more confusing.

I wish I could have captured that conversation. It flew by like a whirlwind, shocking me. Slowly, gently, he managed to pry the truth from my frightened grasp. And he recited to me precious hymns. It will be worth it all. Psalm 91. Turns out, that is both of ours favorite chapters. I let the tears fall, and we talked for a very, long time. I don't even remember what all we covered. He promised it would stay between us, but I wasn't sure.

It felt good to tell him the truth, but it felt terrifying, too. I was afraid he'd get in trouble for being on the phone after curfew, but he laughed about it. How could he be an RA and so easily ignore that rule? It surprised me but I didn't mind. I just always thought he was a stickler for the rules. Good to know he was normal, too.

We talked about the moonlight on the lake. About heaven. It was so nice, so comforting, and eventually I realized I was completely calm again. Talking with Tim. What a marvel.

"You know what we should do?" I asked through the roughness of the previous tears.

"What?"

"We should try this in real life. A nice, good conversation in person."

He laughed and said something, but I didn't get it. Finally I did. "We need a girl."

"A girl?" I was puzzled. It was like he was speaking Greek. What did he mean?

"Yes, a girl. So we can talk and.... have someone there for testimony."

I wanted to laugh. Still wanting a third person in between us, did he? But I didn't want to argue. Who cares. We will never talk in person.

The phone call got disconnected I went back to texting. It was now after midnight, anyways.


Stupid phone. I need to get it fixed =(

lol it's okay =) I needed to go anyhow!

I love the last few chapters of Revelation, they're so exciting!
Well.... he should have said so. I already felt guilty about talking so long. He sent both text messages faster than I could reply to the first one. I'm sorry you should have said so. And why is that?


Because it talks about the new Jerusalem, and what it will be like.

Yes, it is fascinating, what lies again. And it's just a glimpse. What is your favorite book of the Bible?
I asked it tentatively.... the first time I inquired about anything about him. That significance wasn't lost on my fragile, frightened mind.


Psalms, Isaiah, Romans, Matthew, Colossians...... lol =) Yours?

Haha. Not a bad list. James =)

I like James! There are waaaaaay too many to choose from =)

So true =) Can I ask you something?

Sure =)
The verses I gave you, before. Did they help? I'd often wondered that.


I'll be honest, I didn't read all of them (I'm horrible, I know) but I really like the one in Jeremiah.

It's okay. I'll try not to judge you. lol I'm glad you got one, though.
I knew deep inside that he hadn't read all of them because the depth of his trial hadn't been as great and deep as mine is. But I wasn't going to point that out. He wouldn't understand. Would never understand.

I was back home, and got onto my email. I was surprised by an email on my account from Heartland.


lol My roommate is telling me his woes!!
I opened the email and shock hit me cold in the gut. He'd returned the pass and they were rejecting my payment.

Rejecting.

Rejecting.

Reversing.

Wiping away.

Huge tears welled up in my eyes and began to flow. He couldn't hear me now. I let the sobs rip loose as I curled up on my aching stomach and hid myself all alone in my world.


Wait. You returned your shuttle pass??!! Why did you do that???? ='(

That was the only waay. They wouldn't let me just give it away or something like that.
I sobbed. The tears and grief and anguish were too much. What was the point of the playful banter if deep down inside, he was rejecting me anyways? Writing me off? Making plans to reverse everything? It was so hard. I couldn't handle the pain but just lay there curled up and the tears soaked steadily into the mattress. Let me die, please. Why did I ever try? Why? The humiliation and despair was killing me.


Noelle, you're a blesing.
The message shone through the blurred redness of my sick, tired eyes. I looked at it, looked at how he used my name. Like Levi used to. But I couldn't hide the grief.


How is it so when you won't let me? ='(

It was just the thought for me, just knowing you thought of me.
I remembered Levi, how no one saw him. No one thought of him. The pain cut me in half. It was happening all over again. To see, to care, to be rejected. And no one sees me.


I think of you now. And like for the church planters, I want to help. To not know, are you safe? Walking 10th street at night? And you just.... forced it back? My heart hurts. And God will be angry with me.
I cried until I couldn't breathe anymore. Sad, quivering breaths straining into my burning lungs. THe stress wasn't good for my health. Not like this. Not ontop of everything else that was wearing me out.


Your heart shouldn't hurt over me, He is with me. I truly appreciate it, I don't always walk. Just sometimes.

God Isn't angry with you.
What would he know about God's wrath towards me? And I know it was only sometimes, that was the point of having the option of the pass if he wanted it. But I couldn't argue. I couldn't. It wouldn't make a difference, anyways.

I opened my eyes.... and it was later. I must have fallen asleep. I looked at his unreplying messages and tried to summon my thoughts. I couldn't. My heart was so heavy.


I'm sorry, I'm so tired. I think I fell asleep. I am sad that you did that. ='( Goodnight, Tim.
It was one o'clock in the morning.

I woke from a troubled, screaming nightmare when my phone trilled. Shimmering, sweet notes. Tim's preset. It was just before six o'clock. He was up early, and thinking of me.


That's okay cuz I was sleeping too. Don't be sad.
I couldn't reply. I curled back up and fell asleep again. I couldn't beleive he rejected it.

When I got to work, I decided to just send him a Bible verse. I couldn't change what he did. I was just going to have to cope. I'd known it would happen, anyways, hadn't I?


"My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord, in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee and will look up!" ~Psalm 5:3
He never responded.

Levi.... I need you hear. I'm so out of my league. Will you never, never talk to me again? Never?

Your star,

Rigel

Texting

Dear Levi,


1.15.14


Remember how you once told me that you didn't want anyone to have a chance to think badly of me? I kept thinking about Lenichka's disapproving eyes as she looked at Tim walking away to join his friends. As unfair as it was, I felt guilty. He could hurt me... I was used to it. But I'd never hurt him before, and he wouldn't be used to it. I was going to destroy the testimony I am trying to build.


So as much as I didn't want to, on the way to IHOP with the Hogues, I decided to respond to his dormant, yet unanswered question.


That means yes, I presume. Why did you do that?


So I thought out a good response for what had transpired. And then I said a prayer, and squeezed my eyes, and sent it.


I believe my words have been unkind to you, and I do not intend for them to be so. I was unprepared for you tonight. I am so sorry.


That said it best. Unprepared. It's not like I expected him to stalk me on the front row of the balcony over something that had been anonymously done.


He didn't take too long to respond, which surprised me.


Don't worry about it. You're fine! =)


I stared dubiously at that. Why the exclamation point? He wasn't ever exclaimable when talking to me. Was the smile for reassurance, or was he really happy about the whole thing? I opted for caution.


Sure?


Are you okay?


That responding text surprised me. What in the world, Tim. I was asking about you, and you go hand me that penetrating question again! Why do you always ask that? Why? It's not like you ask "how are you" which has a completely different connotation. And it leaves the sense that something is not okay.


I tried to balance texting with talking to the Hogues. It was the worst possible time to be texting Tim for the first time, because they were delayed and I couldn't concentrate too much. While I was figuring out where in the world that question came from, he followed it up.


Ya. =)
Really though, are you ok?


Oh. I suddenly understood. That was in response to my question, and then he must have been wondering about my sanity before I asked him if he was sure everything was fine between us. Texts were just delayed. What was I supposed to tell him? It was simpler to tell him, "Yes, it's all great!" but that felt so wrong. He should know. He just should.
But why did he always ask? It bothered me. Part of me still wondered if he was on a scouting mission for Levi.... or Anna.... or what.


Every time you see me, you ask me that. Have I a sign over my head that I can't see?


I don't know, I sense something though. Maybe I'm wrong?


Or maybe you're just perceptive. Are you okay?


I would give him the tiniest admission that he was right, that he didn't need to second guess himself. But I wasn't comfortable talking about it. It would just make our relationship so complicated, and all I want is a simple, normal friendship. I hoped my question would distract him.


God is soooooo good to me! He's working on my heart about some stuff, but I'm doing awesome! He's so faithful!


I was jealous of his answer. It was so evasive. Honest enough to admit some things were going on, but with a major emphasis on God in his life. And, I decided, he must be an exclamation point guy in texting. Hmm. Who'd have known.


What's wrong?


Dang. I hadn't responded fast enough. What was his problem! I quickly sent out the response I'd been trying to text between answering questions at the dinner table.


I'm glad to hear that. He is very, very good all of the time. =)


There. That was pretty good, right? Left no elusion to anything else. And a smiley face.


Well, if you ever need to talk, I'm willing to listen.


Ha. Success. He was backing down. But I got engaged in the conversation going on in real life, and saw another text before I could respond. Seriously.


And if you ever need a friend........


That scared me.
Why the trail of dots? What did that hanging sentence imply? And why was he offering his friendship, as if I didn't have friends already? As if something was lacking in my life? And he was just continuing to pull at the question I would never answer, are you really okay.


I was so tired of this. I just sent truth. The truth in a small nutshell. Not the, 'Tim, I'm heartbroken over Levi and I'm dying inside over Anna and I'm thinking about killing myself all of the time, but I know I can't and I'm afraid I'm going crazy.'


I sent to words.


Just scared.


Like a whisper from a child. From the little Noelle that Levi abandoned. Would he hear it? Would he know it meant so much more?


Of what?


HIs question was to the point. Hard to figure out what he thought of my reply. Either he was waiting until he had more facts to make a decision, or maybe it was just curiosity. Or something. I couldn't figure it out. I would have to be more evasive. Because there was no way I was telling him what I was scared of. Of my nightmares, waking up soaked in sweat from servicing a mortgagor account to Levi and Anna's home in Washington. The screams for Levi, the nightmares about kissing Tim. There was no way.


The past.... and the future. And the present, too.


I said it like that. Because he knew the past; he might guess the future. And it would confirm there was something going on. But I needed to redirect the conversation.


Can I ask something of you?


Sure.


No questions, no attacking what I had just said. Just a calm reply. It helped me be honest.


Can we just start over fresh?  Like we never knew each other.... before?


Why?


His question surprised me. Surely he would get the point! It would be so much simpler if we weren't always hurting each other! Or him... hurting me, which caused me.... to hurt him back. But if it made no difference to him, then he needed to get the point that things were not okay for me how they were between us now. That the past wasn't a flippant issue to me.


It would be easier for me.


Please, Tim. Please.


I've never had anything against you, noel, don't think that way.... but if that's what you wish....


All those leading dots again. Driving my mind crazy wondering where they lead. Why did he always defend himself? At some point, I expected him to give in and coincide that maybe, maybe, he could see all the damage he'd done. He never could. And it blamed it on my perspective, my thinking. I couldn't blame him, but it made me feel even farther away from him on poles of thinking. At least he was agreeing, to an extent, apparently grudgingly so.


I couldn't do it anymore. Just seeing him write my name, the way he used it in a sentence... it brought back too many memories of Levi using it before he started calling my his princess. He used to call me Noelle, all the time. I loved it. He even wrote that blog post about my name, my favorite post ever. And seeing Tim use it, just as deliberately.... I was going to start sobbing soon. I grasped at humor to help save the conversation.


Well, if we are going to be friends, I need you to do one thing for me ok?


What's that?


My name is Noelle. =) It's French. So now you can spell it right. =)


I was slightly offended at the thought that he probably stored my number in his phone spelled wrong. Didn't he notice my signature on the card I gave him? Ugh. Noelle is so much more feminine!


Well Noelle, my name is Tim and I can't spell! So I'm going to fix that. =) how are you?


There we go. An easy, simple question. Day saved. I couldn't help but smile at his exclamation points. I kept trying to picture how he would say it in real life, but I couldn't.


I'm amused, at the moment. =) How are you?


How so? I'm ever so blessed.


I loved how he said it. So.... vintage, so perfect. So much like Levi.


I hope you are always this optimistic, it's infectious. =)


I try to be. =) but hey we all have bad days, right?


Bad years, too.  I couldn't help being Eyore.


But with Jesus we have hope for tomorrow!


Ha. I have lived for so many tomorrows, Tim, and they never come. I couldn't help the sadness. How could it be deteriorating so soon? I tried to keep it hidden.


Amen. =)


There. A simple, happy statement. I returned to the conversation at the table. I was surprised when I saw another message, on a completely different note.


Hang in there, friend. The teacher is always quiet during a test.


What in the world. Still hammering at me that I'm not okay. Part of me hated it... part of me desperately needed it.


Thank you. =) Maybe someday we will talk about it. =)


Which was code for, I can't talk about it now. Please stop referring to the pain I'm in. Please. Act like everything's okay like everyone else. Isn't it easier to have conversations that way, anyways?


Perhaps, until then, remain faithful to God and He will remain faithful to you.


He was dismissing it, too. That felt good, but still wary. It felt too elusive. Yes he is. Is there anything I can do for you?


I wasn't sure what else to say. I didn't know him. So it was easiest to deviate to formality.


I really don't think so.


A nice, definite line. Well, I could live with that. Still, I wanted to try to let him know that I wanted to be his friend, too. I felt that he said it more than I ever did.


Mmmk. Well, I'm here for you too, you know. If you ever need a friend.


Thanks! Well, I hope you have a wonderful night! Lala salamba! (Sleep peacefully) ;)


I was surprised by the abrupt close. But this conversation was already unbelievably long. I had to just be grateful. And that he ended it in African.... it touched me. He was sharing a part of himself. The winked face confused me, but I focused on the words. Peacefully. Sleep. lala. It was so lulling and soothing. I hate Africans but.... I loved that phrase.


You too.... Spokoinoin nochi. =)


He didn't respond or comment. I didn't know why but I decided I would never know. I would never understand this young man, if I tried forever.


I drove home late that night and crawled into bed, utterly exhausted. Why had he talked to me? Why had he been so..... nice? It was funny and sad and terribly wonderful all the same time, that our first simple, gentle conversation from start to finish had been through the medium of texting. Did it count? Maybe I was just a person who couldn't be loved in real life. Maybe that's why Levi loved me through letters but rejected me, ultimately, in person. It made me sad as I held onto my pillows and let the tears fall.


Why did you stop loving me, Levi? Why didn't you give me a second chance?


I said the words in my head over and over until I fell asleep.


Lala salamba. Lala salamba.


Goodnight, Levi.


Your star,
Rigel

Shuttle Pass

Dear Levi,


1.15.2014


You should have loved the sermon tonight! It was so funny, but so encouraging. The preacher is serving in the ghetto part of Philly, and he is so rough around the edges but God is doing so much through him! He prayed about God standing on the sidewalk with a cardboard sign saying, 'Will work!" and how most people drive on by preoccupied by controlling their own life. But that if we let him work, then he will do the impossible. It was the verse, Now to him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we can ask or think..."


It was a strange day. All I could think about was Tim walking back home along 10th street. About his giving at the conference. And about how much I couldn't stand him. It was ripping me apart.
At lunch, I paced back and forth. I decided to call the college and see, just see, if it was even possible to purchase a shuttle pass for another student. They were on lunch, lovely. I went back to work but God didn't let it go.
What if that was Levi?
What if that was Steven?
What if someone knew and they did nothing, what would you think of her?
And he had blessed me with such a big bonus this month. I needed every dollar for my computer. But what was that luxury when some people didn't even have the basics? And they were giving of their money, and I was not? It was so unfair.
I didn't want to give another penny towards another person. After all I spend and saved and sacrificed for Levi. The coats... the sweaters... the shirts... and food... the Things Remembered gifts... the souvenirs from Ukraine... all that money, just gone. And nothing but his hatred to show for it, and my lonely howling heart. The bitterness ran deep.
And I didn't want to care. I was so tired of caring for people and not being cared for back. It's just not worth it. It hurts so much, Levi. Why did you stop loving me? Why did Andri? I will never understand it, not till the day I die.
I didn't want to care. I didn't want to feel anything in my dead, hollow heart. Because I know where that leads. It leads to investing, and my investments run up dry.
But God wouldn't let me alone. And finally I requested an extra afternoon break and ran to make one more call to Heartland. Shuttle has gone up, fro 40 to 60. Ouch. I gritted my teeth and gave my card number. He didn't have a pass, and this one would be good till mid-February, through the end of Oklahoma's cold winter. It would be enough.
I walked back to my desk, and wiped the tears away. I was crying, because I was scared. Scared of what God wants from me. Scared of the future. Scared, scared. Of being hurt again.
By the end of the job, God had given me his peace.
I can't explain it. It was like he just wrapped me in the softest blanket, and filled my heart with calm. And I was able to be still, and recognize that this was good for me. To help battle that hatred in my heart against him for the past. And maybe that was the whole point. All I know is, God would be pleased. This was the right thing to do.
I ran home, and was rushing around to get ready. Excitement began to course through my veins at the thought of church. Of another sermon. Of hearing from God, and being able to sing. To sing.
I was just out of the shower when my phone trilled.
Trilled, not beeped.
Trilled, because I had cautiously defaulted Tim's ringtone to be distinct, to warn me.
Could it be possible? He actually decided to text me?
I was scared to look. So scared, I didn't at first. Until it trilled again. Then my curiosity got the better of me and I took precious seconds away from the vanity sink to run and check my phone.
His words took me off guard. They were so fast.




Might you perchance know something of a shuttle pass?
That might seem vague but I think you know what I'm talking about.




I stared at the two messages, a bit stunned. He had it already? That was crazy fast. And how did he know it was me? I figured it wasn't too big a jump of a guess, but, why break the silence barrier and just text me for the first time ever of it? He didn't sound happy.... which confused and worried me. I decided to keep my mouth shut.


I plead the 5th. As an American in citizenship, I have such constitutional rights even if I'm from Ukraine. =)


I added a smiley face for good measure. Made sure my spelling was right. Then I dashed around getting ready again. I was in the car when I got his reply, the sound shimmering and hovering the in air like a beautiful alarm. I was afraid to look.



that means yes, I presume. Why did you do that?




Why.
Not, thank you.
Just why.
I gritted my teeth and shoved the phone into the purse. Tears were welling up in my eyes. Why? Why? Why? What a question. As if I don't have that question myself. Why couldn't he just say thank you and leave it alone? Why couldn't he just not ask at all? Why did it matter, anyways? I laughed shakily as my car swerved on the highway and tears burned dangerously in my eyes. I'd just spent all my time putting on mascara, and I wasn't about to ruin it over this.
God, this hurts me.
I was surprised by the pain in my ribcage, and the simplicity of the prayer. But it was true.
God, it hurts me because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to defend myself for following you, or explain it. And I can't let him know about this huge struggle not to hate him, or my fear of spending money on others.... I will just sound so crazy. But he isn't leaving it alone, and I'm scared. Please give me grace.
At church, I swept upstairs to my seat with Lenichka and Zhenya, thanks to Bailey being in nursery yet again. We had a great view of the packed-out church. So many thousands milling around. It was incredible.
And I was trying to find the Hogues, friends of my parents who were in town for the conference, scanning the crowd down below. Which might attribute to my surprise when Tim headed my way.


Oh, no.
I braced. My stomach clenched so badly and I balled my hands in my skirt. I wanted to disappear. Please, Tim, be nice.
It was easier because Lenichka was there, and the is a huge fan of his family. But he still looked awkward when he smiled tentatively and zoomed in on me, the girl shrinking back in her pew wishing she had chosen to sit down below.
"So, did you do that or not?"
I tried to find calm through the pounding of my heart. How do I get him to just accept it and let it go? I looked at him and tried for my calmest, simplest smile. "Is it wise for you to enquire of how God moves people?" I asked softly.
He looked away, taken aback I think. Then he challenged me, "Only if they did it because of God."
I didn't expect that. It was a low blow, and I felt it quiver all the way to my damaged organs. Why else would I do it? Why else would anyone do something like that? Why was he accusing me of acting outside of God's will? What exactly was he accusing me of?
I was so taken aback, I didn't know what to say. I just looked down and let the silence stretch painfully.
Tim started to go, then turned and finished, "I need to know if it was you. Because, I plan to return it."
I wasn't surprised, but it didn't stop the despair. He was just going to throw it away. Just like Levi threw away all of my investments. Just like Levi. Just like Levi. Why did God bother to have me to try again? Why????
I looked up at him, and I knew my cheeks were red. I felt like I was trembling from head to toe and I knew I was about to start crying. "Fine. You can do whatever you like, but I'm not going to say anything." The edge in my tone was so strong. It was a miracle if he didn't hear the bitterness welling up in my throat, the despair.
"Okay," he shrugged and walked off to join his sister and friends.
I tried to breathe a little in his absence, but it was no use. I was going to lose it. I hadn't expected him to come confront me like that. To just reject it, right in my face. To challenge the gift, rather than be grateful. Levi had always been so, so grateful.
I left Lenichka and fled downstairs. I ran to Kate Walley, and hid among the teenagers, and tried to act okay. She knew I was upset but I smiled through gritted teeth and she started prattling about the wedding to distract me. It helped. She squeezed my hand, but didn't ask anything. I am blessed to have her as my friend.
The music started. It was time to go back up now, I'd be safe now. Rather than risk having to come from behind his pew and pass by Tim, I flounced across the front of the church, smile in place, trying to look gloriously carefree.
I pointedly didn't look beyond my own pew when I got to the balcony. I joined Lenichka and Zhenya and turned to face the front. I grabbed my hymnal, just in time as they announced they were about to start.
And then bam.
Right there.
In front of me.
Tim Mickey, again.
I flinched.
So much for getting in trouble talking to me in front of his coworkers, like Anna and Brittany in plan view on the other side of the balcony. He leaned forward across the pew and I was too nervewracked to know what to do.
"I didn't mean.... to sound rude," he said slowly, like he had rethought the scenario. Or his sister had kicked him. Or he had known why I fled downstairs. Why did he always seem to see through my façade? I might as well have just stared crying here and saved myself a trip downstairs through the crowd.
Since my attempt to hide reality behind a cloak of politeness was pointless, I let him have it. "Don't worry. I'm used to getting that, coming from you."
He didn't seem to hear me at first, then he did, then he flushed and laughed, taken aback. "Ouch!"
I shrugged and looked down.
He was still there, and I wasn't going to take it back. But I desperately wanted to make things okay. Why were things always so upside down between us? This should have been a good situation! I leaned towards him and softened my voice. "If you don't want it... give it to another needy student, okay? Pass along the blessing."
He considered that. "Okay. I'll do that." Then he turned and walked away.
I was trying to catch my breath when Lenichka's little punch slammed into my arm.
"That was so mean! You must be nice to Tim, Noelle. He doesn't know you and you must be kinder to him."
I shook my head. "I can't help it. He hurts me."
And then it was time to sing, and I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't. I'd sworn. Sworn he'd never see me cry again. So I sang, and smiled, and when the sermon ended... he was gone before I even had time to reach for my coat. Wow.


I walked downstairs and thought about Levi. About his night at work. About the huge distance between us.... coming bigger and bigger. Did he ever even think about me at all? Ever?


I got into my car and drove off to meet up with the Hogues, and that's when the tears started to fall.
Why, Tim? That hurt so much.


Levi.... I need you.
Your star,


Rigel

Inspired

Dear Levi,


1.14.14


I was so excited to go to the conference last night after work. I could barely sit still through my calls, thinking about being at Heartland again, under the glowing lights and teeming crowd of fellow Christians, and hear good music and preaching. I sped home as fast as I could and threw myself through a hot, hot shower and ran around getting ready. I figured you wouldn't be there. But after last year, when I watched you take off all kinds of time off of work for random events, I wasn't going to take that chance. So I had to blowdry and spritz my hair and swirl on some makeup and sweep on mascara, which made me so hot I grabbed a cold Dr. Pepper to chug at the same time, even though it was so cold outside. Silly Noelle.
I didn't even listen to the radio on the way to campus. I called Bailey, only to find out she was in nursery. Same with Zhenya. That threw me back. Who was I to sit with? Now I wasn't that happy-go-lucky. As long as you weren't there with Anna, I would be okay sitting by myself, I guess. I had expected the Martinezes to be there as the past 3 years, but they weren't coming, either. My happiness began to slip a little when I pulled on campus and saw the huge line of cars and people milling everywhere. Even though I still had twenty minutes, the place was buried. Finding seats would be hard.
I parked in the grass by Brown dorm and walked across the grass, head down so I wouldn't twist an ankle in my tall heeled boots in the soft ground. I was wearing my little black dress and familiar black suede boots, but changed up the somber tones with a bright white scarf and jeweled sapphire peacoat. By the time I got to the dorm, I was passing so many strangers and I knew I wouldn't see you. I just knew it in my soul. Why did I even bother to dress up at all? It felt like a wasted effort, and maybe I should have just come straight to campus to save myself a seat in a back corner somewhere.
But I realized my efforts weren't too wasted when I looked up to see Tim greeting at the main entrance, handing out flyer.
Oh, lovely.
I was suddenly happy I looked somewhat put together. He already thinks I'm absolutely crazy.
I smiled at him and shook his hand. He didn't look happy to see me. I suppose I deserve it, after how downright cruel I was to him the over night with my honesty. I was surprised, though, that he was here. Didn't he need the hours at work to make his bills? But I didn't ask. I had learned my lesson, and I would be keeping my mouth shut.
He shook my hand and handed me a flyer and turned to the next person behind me.
I felt the little Noelle inside cringe, then sigh in resignation. So much for friends.
Inside the auditorium, I wanted to run to my spot in the grandstands but was afraid that I would run into you, again; this time, with Anna on your arm. So I opted for the grandstands on the opposite side, where I first sat when you left me and I was stupid enough to be mad about it. Stupid girl.
It turned out I didn't have to sit alone for too long. Joselyn, a very kind girl from Southwest I met on the Idabel trip, came to sit in my row and saved spots for the Spragues and Willoughbys. I wasn't too thrilled on the choice of neighbors; the Sprague girls have always been very stuck up around me, but I was too proud and preoccupied to care about some Okie beauties. Their glory was very, very limited and wasn't worth my attention to compete against. I knew Trevor was talking with Hannah, but he ended up sitting by me.
Which was, doubtless, awkward. Mostly because I was annoyed that Hannah would be jealous. But she was on the opposite end of the group so I didn't see her the whole time. Trevor was kind to me.... meaning, he said hi and remembered my name, and that was it. It was easy for me to return the favor and just tune him out, too.
Because there was so much more to captive my attention.
I miss Heartland so much.
The energy, the excitement, the soul-stirring music. Just the thought of so many people trying to do something with their lives! It made me long to be headed on the missionary trail with Levi again. I missed this world. It is so, so much better.
Tim crossed my view as he settled in on the floor directly ahead of me with a bunch of young guys and girls students. He looked plenty happy. I'm glad. Part of me wishes him well, the part of me that goes back to look at his number in my phone again in wonder.
The preaching by Sam Davison was.... phenomenal. He said, 'What have you read in the Bible  that makes you think God is working any different nowadays?" It was such a great thought. So much of popular Christian mentality (myself included) is based on the opinions of other and our own thoughts, rather than studying the word of God to figure things out. I felt convicted. I need to read it to a greater extent each day than I am already doing. I need to really research it and know God.
But the whole point of the night was captivated around the most unlikely person, Tim. Because during the auctions, I watched him stand up and give 50$, twice, towards the pastors presenting their burdens. I was shocked. I had never seen Levi give anything, whether in the offering or in tithes. And I knew that, according to his word, Tim was making sacrifices to be able to give. I thought he meant tithes. I didn't realize he meant giving. I was so.... humbled. Much like when Levi used to amaze and inspire me. Because I'm always counting pennies and I allocate funds for tithes and for support of Steven and Nina but... I'm not honestly hurting to do so. I might miss a few meals, limp on gas, turn down a shopping opportunity... but that's pretty small. And there was Tim, giving well over what would be a month of shuttle services. He was one of the only students I saw, period.
How does he do it?
I mulled it over in my mind. I was just so impressed.... and so amazed. I wanted to cry, but I ended up just breaking into a huge smile. Because it was so encouraging, that there are still young people out there with the same compassion and sacrifice of my Levi. And that... someone.... that gave me hope.
After the service, I wasn't feeling good at all. I was so tired. And my internal health has been struggling the past few days. I walked across to the restrooms to splash some water on my face and try to feel better. On the way, I crossed paths with Tim. Which surprised me, seeing as how my pew had been sooooo delayed to exit with the crowd. He looked at me, looked like he might have said something to me, but didn't. I just ducked my head down and slipped into the restroom.
Part of me was a coward. I was afraid what he thought of me now that he had time to think over everything I told him. Would he hate me now? He didn't text me.
And part of me longed to just confront him and apologize. To ask if Levi and Anna gave him a hard time for talking to me, the outcast. To ask him to please.... think kindly of me still, somehow.
When I went back outside, Tim was nowhere around. It made me sad to leave campus. I ended up kidnapping Lenichka and Zhenya and crashed at my place till midnight, watching Hunger Games in Russian and making brownies. It was so nice. And I was able to try to encourage Lenichka, who is feeling her age so much right now. But I was tired on the long, dark drive back home. I even got pulled over for not stopping completely at the stop sign by the dorm. That was scary. But the cop we nice. Handed me back my stuff and said to be more careful when he confirmed I was a Heartland student.
When I got home, it was well after one a.m. I read my Bible in Psalms, where it said that God heals the broken hearted and binds up wounds. What if my heart isn't able to be healed? I wasn't able to sleep, waking up and looking restlessly at my phone. For the first time, I thought about texting Tim.
Tim, how do you do it? How do you just move on? How do you give up on someone forever?
But there were no answers to break the stillness of the apartment, so I drifted off to sleep again and again with tears on my eyelashes. So weary of the struggle.


I miss you, Levi.
Please don't graduate and leave me. Please, don't leave your little Noelle all alone. She's so scared.


Your star,
Rigel

Tim's Number

Dear Levi,




1.12.2014




What at day. Wow. You should have been here. You would have laughed at me. Maybe cried, too, at how much your girl has changed. I feel so fragile. So afraid. So.... cynical. I have faith in God, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust another human being ever again. Everything I've ever been promised has been a lie.


I remember the night Brad pulled me from under the bench by the church. He carried me in his arms through the darkness and promised he'd always be there, cradling my limp body against his strong one. I believed him and I watched that promise shatter.
And I remember the night I sat on the bus in Oklahoma City. Just a normal night. But so much grief and pain inside. I remember Levi leaning across the darkness, so young and sweet and friendly, and trying to reach out to me. He would later twirl me through the twilight spangled sky and seal his healing with his kisses and hold me as I would fell asleep. He promised he would never leave. And I believed him. Surely, I thought, if he had been through as much junk as me, then he wouldn't dare break a promise. Not to someone who had to live through it once.
But he did.
And slowly my faith in humanity has evaporated. Until there is nothing. Just nothing.
Maybe it would have been different, on a night like this. In my deep grief, when someone came up to touch me in a gentle, compassionate way. Before, it might have been like a lifeline of hope to me. But tonight? It was just like another mirage of water in the desert. It's not real. As luscious, as life-giving, as real as it seems to my dying, parched soul.... I know it's not real. It's just not.


Everyone at Heartland is back. And after church, I offered to take Bailey and Pearl home. I had business on campus. That night marked 1 year since the day of our big fight, the fallout, the meltdown. It was my fault, all my fault that night, and I was literally walking in grief so deep I couldn't lift my head.
I dropped them off at the dorm and went to the bench. The bench I always avoided, the one under the spotlight by the gym, by the stairs. I stood there, and I just looked at it. For a long, long time. I closed my eyes and could see how cold it was that night. Waiting in the gym, waiting on this bench. The rush of relief and betrayal when he finally showed up.
I walked to the stairs and looked down. There, in the darkness of the parking lot, was the place where we last stood as friends. As lovers.
Back to the bench.... where I can see stains of spilled hot chocolate marring the sidewalk's smoothness. To the grass, where I can see my cell phone thrown. Where he ran to pick it up. The last act of kindness he ever afforded towards me.
I stood there in the grass, in shadows and moonlight, the Oklahoma wind whipping my skirt and hair, and I cried. I had my earbuds in listening to Taylor's desperate song Back to December and it was like a funeral. For us. The funeral we never had. If only I'd realized what was happening that night, I'd have changed courses so fast.
I walked slowly along the sidewalk, remembering other days. Happier days. Sadder days. Days of my campusment, making a snowman, the day he came to apologize after the first two-week silence, the talk in the library about boundaries, the bench where he fed me homemade breakfast. The gazebo where we flirted in the summer humidity. The tree that he dared me to climb.
The bench.
The bench in the darkness, facing that hill.
That hill.
That hill.
That hill, where my life ended. That hill, that slopes from everything.... to nothing.
The hill that I cannot cross, can not even breach, cannot even sink the toes of my boots into the grassy lawn. So untouchable.
I stood and looked at the hill and for the first time... there weren't even words. Not even a word to pray. And there were no tears. Literally nothing from my soul, just emptiness. Pure emptiness. I never felt so dead, so hollow. No strength to even think about dying. Just... nothing.
I crossed to the bench and sat down.
The cold wind was tussling my hair but I wasn't bothered by it. The guys that hurried by me didn't even merit my glance. I just zoned them all out and focused on searing the shape of that hill into my brain, my heart. How desperately I wanted to just lie down on the grass and blow my brains out and fall to sleep, laughing, hysterically mad.
I think I am going crazy.
And maybe it shouldn't have surprised me, then, that Tim came. Because it was like a demon from my past, come to taunt me at my weakest hour. Of course, Levi's best friend. The one whom he chose to replace me. The one who hurt me, time and time again.
It was easy to smile, through the emptiness in my soul.
"Hey..... Noelle?"
He was obvious surprised to see me. Obviously, my previous engagements at this spot hadn't merited his attention before, and he was both dubious and surprised.
"Hey, Tim."
"What are you doing?"
"I'm.... praying." I smiled easily.
"Oh." He seemed out of his league. He looked like he was just engaged in something, half distracted. I wondered if the curiosity had been too much to come over and confirm it was me, Levi's cast off. Sitting here in the dead of night on campus where she wasn't even a student anymore. No doubt wasn't something he had expected to see this night.
"Glad all the students are back?" I asked, redirecting the conversation.
He had been walking towards me as soon as he confirmed it was, indeed, Noelle, and now he was released to go away again. "Um, yeah, it's a lot louder now." I would later learn he had been on a phone call with his sister, which made sense of that comment, that he had come outside to talk to her. But I didn't understand it at the moment and fought the puzzlement. Hadn't he just been complaining it was too quiet last time we spoke? Boys.
"Well, you'll adapt. But I'm glad they're back."
"Me too. But I just wanted to make sure that.... you're okay.... you were just kind of zoned out over there, in your own world..."
Thanks, Tim, for not saying it out loud. You think I'm crazy. Well, that makes two of us.
I smiled reassuringly at him. Where did I get the acting skills? My heart was so dead. "Thank you, it's okay. I'm just taking some time to pray."
"Okay." and he walked away, and I put my earbuds back in and stared back at the hill. I could only wait a few seconds, trying to figure out how long it would take before he was out of sight, and then the smile faded and my heart burst with the pain his presence inflamed, and the tears began to burn and spill from my eyes. I left them fall and covered my face with my hands and just cried.
A bench at night in the cold. Once before, it was a frozen lake at night in the cold. I wish it were a lake again, instead of this stupid hill. Oh, to be that brave again. But I'm so broken.
When the tears ended, because I knew I was in public, I yanked up my music. I didn't want to think. I couldn't pray. There was nothing here but emptiness.... and yet I couldn't tear myself away.
I stood and walked over to the brink of the hill, forcing myself to concentrate. This night would soon be over and what would I have to look back on? I wanted to say I had the courage to at least pray. Didn't I still believe in God? I looked up at the stars above the naked tree branches and shuddered. Did I? Did I? Then why was everything so...... void?
I stared out at the hill and let the wind whip my skirt and I tried to focus on breathing. I didn't even feel like I was existing. I just felt.... so hollow. Like I wasn't even on earth.
Eventually, my feet got tired. I shifted them. Then I shifted them again, and they were still tired. And I was tired of shifting them. So I walked back to the bench, head down, eyes lost in the past. How many times did I come here that semester? And how many times did he never, ever come to me? Oh, that he would come to me.
I sat down, and it was hard. Because it was suddenly a trick of my mind, my sick, weak, crazy mind. But there he was, right beside me. In his suit, and wrinkly shirt, and the smell of his skin. And I could see the angle he always sat with, and I could see the curve of his collar, and the exact distance he would place between us. I could see his smile, a bit hesitant, because he hasn't seen me in so long. But so wonderful, so....... healing. Like a lifeline in a sea. Just when the darkness and weight of the waves pulling me down, yanking me up and into the air.
I lifted my hand and tentatively touched the emptiness where his vision blurred. The cold reality of metal met my fingers, rather than the rough hem of his coat. Tears filled my eyes, but then faded away in dazed fatigue. Just a dream. A useless, aged dream.
I don't know how long I sat there. Time faded, immaterial to me. It was still early, and it wasn't cold like the last time I was here. I would just be going home to a cold apartment, dark and empty and hopeless. And the thought of the drive, warm and alluring and deceptive, scared me. I wasn't in any shape to be driving. And I couldn't think of a reason to go. Where else did I have to go? So I just sat, and gazed at the hill, and played back memories from another lifetime. When we were close, when things were warm... when I was still innocent about love. I daydreamed about Levi.


And then Tim was back. And I resurfaced from my reverie reluctantly... but he scared me. I took out my earbuds politely, but I was wary. Why was he back. Didn't he have a gazillion friends or something to be hanging out with now? RA responsibilities? Great men of the Bible to read after? A girl to go pursue?
Why me.
I wanted to put my hands up to shield me.
Please, go away. Not tonight, please. I can't handle it.
But there he was. All nosy and curious and.... frustratingly present.
If I were the girl huddled under the cathedral shadow, or the girl in the bus on the way to the ice rink, I might have awakened at the thought that someone cared to seek me out.
But I wasn't.
They had killed that girl.
I just stared at him, and put on my empty smile, and wanted him to go away.
I couldn't hide all of the wariness. He'd obviously chosen to come back out of deliberation. And I was afraid I was about to get a lecture from someone who didn't have a clue. Unfortunately, I was right.
I don't remember all of the conversation. Just fragment bits and pieces from my distorted, adrenaline-soaked memory. Because him standing there flooded my body with nerves. I began to shake like a leaf, and I hoped he would assume it was the cold. But it wasn't. Because I wasn't cold. It was my nerves, shot through and through, unable to control themselves.
And he did lecture me. I don't remember what I told him about why I was out there. But I was too tired and too.... dead to even care anymore. I just looked at him, and the bitterness began to overwhelm me. Here he was, standing in his suit and coat on campus, looking down at me like he knew what was the best thing for me. When he had never walked in my shoes. Never would. He had always looked down on me. From the time he and Levi decided I was worthless, to the time he decided I had better get hurrying to get over Levi. Tonight.... when he decided I shouldn't be grieving what was lost. It made me so mad, I wanted to haul off and just.... combust.
But I didn't. I just sat there and hit him with my honesty. Honesty I should have kept in my stupid head and not let out. I told him I didn't like him. Told him I was scared of him and his sister. Told him about the cafeteria. About not speaking to me without a third person. That I didn't hate him but.... he definitely wasn't my friend. Told him that tonight was the one year mark.
I regret saying those things. It wasn't for him to know what they did to me. It was my burden to bear alone. And I just let him have it, like I didn't know what would happen. Because no one deals with my honesty well. The consequences are always so great.
Looking back.... ultimately, I'm surprised that he stayed. He stayed, and he talked to me. He didn't get mad at me, as far as I can tell. It was hard to know what he was thinking about me behind those imperious brown eyes, but it didn't seem like he was.... upset at me. He just joked a lot and tried to downplay things and just like a typical boy..... put everything into neat little boxes. But at the end of that night was the overwhelming feeling of.. awe. Awe that he came. That he spoke to me. That he tried to be a friend, when there was absolutely no reason to. It touched me, somehow. As mad as I was at him, as hurting as alone as I felt, I walked away with a sense of curiosity and wonder. Thanks, Tim, for making things even more confusing than before.

I wish I could remember how the conversation started exactly. And the chronology of our conversation might be a little bit out of order. But I just wanted to put it down. Like I used to write down my conversations with Levi, so I could mull them over later and try to decide what had just happened.

"Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine, just... praying. Why?"
Tim came around and stood in front of me. I was so afraid. What did he want with me? I watched him the way one watches a lion circling its prey, deciding the best direction to come in from. I don't know him. I didn't have a clue what he would do or say.
"It just looks kind of....queer, you out here just staring off by yourself. You know, I'm here if you want to talk to someone."
"Why would I talk to someone?" I asked tiredly. How many people had I confided in over the years to just be let down?
He looked embarrassed but still persistent. "I don't know.... like the song? Cast your burdens, upon Jesus..." He was literally singing it to me. A bus song. To me. In the middle of the night on campus. It was so ridiculously funny I would have laughed if I had been a third party.
"Yeah, who else am I going to talk to?" I sighed. I was so tired of the charade. I pointed to the hill. "I'm here for that."
He turned to look, puzzled.
"That hill. Remember the sermon Bro Rick preached a few weeks ago?"
"Yeah, I do."
"About your ten biggest failures in life?"
"Oh..." suddenly understanding was dawning in his dark eyes.
"You don't even know what today is, do you?" I couldn't hide the bitterness.
"Jan 12...." he was putting it together. "Something a year ago...?"
I nodded. "A year since Levi left me."
There was silence.
"He ran up that hill and never spoke to me again. So I came out here to pray. My biggest failure."
"Are you still down about that?" his voice held surprised and displeasure. I knew I was about to hear a lecture, and he gave it to me. About needed to move on. About God having things for my life. "You can't just sit here and mope around and look at that hill, because that doesn't give glory to God."
His words were so brutally open. I was surprised at his boldness. It has been so long since someone openly criticized me. I suppose I needed it, but, it hurt. Especially since I've been trying so hard to put on a good, healthy front that he would just cut me down like that.
"I wasn't here to mope. I was here to pray. I just want this year to be different. It's not about living in the past. It's about trying to make sure that I don't repeat the past mistakes. When I think about the way I was raised, the morals and values my Dad taught me... and I think about that night, the things I said, things I did, things I threw...." I let my voice trail off. "It is good for me to come here and remember. Didn't God tell the Israelites to set up memorial stones?"
"Yes, but, that was for times of God's greatest victories, Noelle."
"Well, can't God work through our failures, too?"
I guess that stumped him. But he was still persistent. "But I don't think you should just be here, looking at that year, focused on the past. I don't want to be awkward but, you are a very attractive young lady and there is a whole future ahead of you."
Oh. Great. Thanks, Tim. This is all a pity party because my relationship status is now single. I'm not like all the other Heartland girls, thankyou. I wanted to smugly tell him that I'd had a few offers but turned them down because I'm not like that, but I didn't bother. Plus, he wasn't finished.
"And I don't think it could all be your fault, anyways."
"Well... it may not have all been my fault, but.... it just came to the place where that didn't matter anymore. Because I knew better. I was a Christian longer. What's the point of pointing fingers?"
"Well I hear there is still a lot of finger pointing going about, I guess," he said. That surprised and saddened me.
"Oh, really? It doesn't matter to me. It was in the past. I can't change it. I came here to pray and try to learn from it. And why are you talking to me, anyways?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"It's not exactly like we are friends. You have been far from my friend, for that matter. Remember last semester? You guys would see me and turn and walk out of the cafeteria. Like I was poison or something to be avoided."
"I didn't avoid you. I just didn't have a reason to talk to you. I didn't really know you, and it would have been weird to talk to you when I was with Levi..." he tried to brush it off.
I just shook my head. "Well, it hurt. You treated me like that for months. And then you wouldn't even talk to me without a third person, remember? How was that supposed to make me feel?!"
He couldn't avoid that one. "I was scared!" he protested. "I didn't know what you were going to say to me!"
I snorted. "Yeah, scary little Noelle. What did you think I was going to do? Attack you? Humph! See me sitting here all normal and civilized. Nothing scary about me. And why would you be scared? I never even did anything scary. All I ever did was throw a coffee cup. Yeah, real scary."
He made a joke out of it. "Could have been a big coffee cup."
"Ha. Maybe."
"Well, I didn't know what you wanted. And all I heard was what they said about you...."
"Like what?" it was the first time I'd deliberately solicited the rumors that the WalMart club shared about me. I was afraid to hear his answer.
"You sat in his car or something?" he hedged, as if it wasn't important or he hadn't heard it from a trustworthy source.
It was so silly I wanted to laugh. That was it? What a crime. Instead of responding to it, I just looked back at the hill and remembered what it felt like to sit in Santana, in the dark and quiet, and live in the memories of when Levi and I were together. At least in Santana, I could pray undisrupted and didn't have to worry about people attacking my motives.
"He gave me the keys, actually." I said absently.
"But I don't understand you. I guess... I'm scared of you. I'm still expecting you to run off to the dorm and tell Levi all about me and have a good laugh."
"I hope you don't think that low of me."
'I don't know you at all. And that's the problem. Why did you just start talking to me all of the sudden? Remember the Hainlines? I barely slept for two days!"
"I can just go.... if you don't want to talk to me...." he was obviously taken aback and hurt. Great.
"You're already here. It's just that I was so surprised. I don't know why you changed."
"It was God's grace, working in me, okay? You couldn't see the process but God has been growing me."
The conversation shifted to Tim. Who apparently is paranoid of all the people looking at him, judging him. It was so funny to me. He shouldn't worry. He was plenty scary enough no one would mess would him. He looked way too serious about himself and all of life.
"Why were you even out here?"
"I was talking to my sister on the phone. You didn't see me? I was over there." He pointed to the flag pole.
Huh. I hadn't even noticed him. Makes sense why he came back to talk to me, then. He'd probably been watching me the whole time, even when I was bawling. Great. Just great, Noelle. Way to look like a total idiot.
"No I didn't notice."
We began to talk about his family. About his older sister, Charity, married to a cop in West Virginia. About how there had been some disagreement between Charity and his parents, and he sided with his parents, and it hurt their relationship. But now she was trying to make it up, it was just hard with their conflicting schedules.
"I'm glad to hear that. Not everyone gets a second chance to rebuild a relationship..." I said bitterly, sadly, achingly. "I didn't know you had another sister."
"Yes, and a younger one name Liz. She is almost grow-ed up, too."
"No brothers?"
"I have a brother. He's fifteen."
"Good grief. How many are you?!"
"Just five."
"Oh." I calmed down. Big families weird me out. "There's four of us."
"I met your older sister."
"Really?" that surprised me and was funny in a way. "How?"
"Through Jason Baker? I was over at his place and they were talking about youtube videos..." he told me a story about it but my mind didnt' process everything he was saying.
"You don't watch youtube?" I was puzzled at his tone.
"Well, yes, but...."
"Your parents were strict," I realized.
"Yes."
Mine, too, but that didn't make me paranoid, I wanted to say.
"Did you ever meet Steven?"
"No."
"Oh. You would have liked him. He was my best friend. He kicked in a door here, once."
"Haha. I only heard about him because apparently he had like... the perfect haircut. And always dressed fashionably."
I beamed. How I miss my Steven. "Yes, that is Steven. I learned all my fashion sense from him."
"And I don't have any," Tim joked about himself.
I looked at his standard suit with blue shirt. Yup, nothing fashionable about that, even if it looked sharp. "It's okay. You can just read GQ and acquire fashion taste."
"But I don't really need to."
I shrugged. Okay... be boring if it floats your boat? I don't understand that but I didn't want to pursue it. This was awkward. He'd already flat out called me pretty.
On and on the conversation went. All night.
Dorm out of heat, power down.
Not friends w Levi bc of job change. Pharmacy. Fills prescriptions. Closes at 9.
Gave me his number. Gave him mine.
Facebook. His birthday. Photographic memory.
"Or you could just reactivate your facebook..." he told me.
He was scared when he got my Note. Pretty handwriting. Second compliment of the night.
Only 19. Sigh. What a child.
Walking home. No car. Shuttle pass or giving.
4.0 GPA's. Good thing we're not friends.
Facebook.
Moses not being able to go into the promised land.
Levi not his best friend. Ben Sprenger is.
Roommates with Joe Klimas.
Summer in Ohio. Being bashed as a Bible college student.
Working with kids. Getting his suit dirty.
My ministries.... but they don't count. Only visitation. Friend Day. He encouraged me to help people more.
If you hate being an RA so much, why are you one? I just want to be a blessing to someone.
Oh, look, there are some of my biggest judges. Well.. I don't know them, if it makes you feel better.
Anna and Brittany walk by. Oh and now I'm going to be in big trouble. Why? I don't care what they think. You shouldn't either.
It's my biggest character flaw. It used to be a lot worse. Wow, I can't image that. It must have been really painful.
Sleeping through New Years. Like the disciples in the garden, sleeping in stead of praying.


On and on... I wish I could have captured the conversation.

Something I said hurt him towards the end. I couldn't figure it out. It looked like he was kicked, and I felt so badly, but he just kind of waved it off vaguely. I felt sad.
Problems with your sister? He bought her a diamond necklace for Christmas.
A little sister name Liz... and a little brother who is fifteen and I can't remember his name. But he talked about her being grown up.
We talked about blacks and their improper language. About ancient English. About "look" versus "appear." About the breadth of the Russian language. Just little bits of conversation that I want to store up... random memories.
We talked about the Duffet's church. About the long drive up to Alaska, except his family stayed in motels and we slept in the car. About the Crown Victoria, and how Kendon was small. Which led him to ask how Kendon was, and I told him I didn't see him much thanks to our opposite schedules. And he asked if I was still at Panera....
.... and I froze.
I looked at him, and his eyes looked too dark. Like he was asking for Levi, instead of me. Why did he want to know? What was he going to do with the information? Once, having a new job gave me a sense of advantage over Levi, some small pitiful leverage against the fact that he hold the world over me. If I gave this to his best friend.... what would I have now?
He saw me hesitate. I tempered it with a tired smile, but I decided if I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly. I was breaking all the rules I'd set for myself tonight, anyways. I told him I was still at Panera, and then also at Midland Mortgage. That it was very stressful. He didn't ask more than that. I was relieved, but still felt like I'd lost something.
Except that I found out that Levi was graduating. This May. I was shocked... I was unprepared. I didn't know what to do. Could he see the pain and greif of teh shock on my face? I tried to explain that I hadn't thought he could, with so many failed classes, and Tim proceeded to bash Levi about being very smart and able to pass classes when he wanted.
All I could see what the tired little Levi with bloodshot eyes struggling to study over breakfast with me on just three hours of sleep and starting to cry. And wanting to hold him so badly. And my heart breaking. What did Tim know?
"He's not smart. He's brilliant." I said quietly, definitely. Always his biggest fan.
I looked off into the darkness, and the ache was so bad I couldn't help say it out loud. "I miss him so much."
"Why?" Tim looked so puzzled.
Engaged. In love. Twirling me through the spangled twilight air. His sweet voice, soft comfort, gentle silliness. All the dreams. His family. Why, indeed?
I looked at him... and the greif was timeless. He couldn't understand my soul, how deep the love went. "Because he was my best friend."
"He was a slob, and unstable, Noelle. He couldn't get up in the morning. He couldn't take care of himself. He would act weird. Sometimes I was like, okay, and how old are we?"
I was never so mad at Tim as I was at that moment when he began to bad talk Levi to me. How. Dare. He. I wanted to start crying... yelling at him... something. I was so mad I just sat there, silent, unable to even think of a good comeback.
"He's not perfect, Tim," I finally stuttered. "He needs good influences and time to grow."
"I agree, and I'm not trying to point fingers, we all need to grow.." and then he went off on some sermon about something or another and lost me again. All I could think of was his words. Of how they hurt me. So badly. Levi. My best friend. I miss you. I love you. How could I defend someone who doesn't want me? It's so bizarre.
And the thought that Levi is graduating.... moving on.... gone, forever.... it rocked my world. It was the biggest thing I took away that night. I only have a few weeks, and then my best friend will be gone forever. Just like that. Gone. I wasn't ready.
Time kept talking. He said that last year he was praying about a relationship with someone but it didn't work out. I knew it was Alex; I was right; she is with someone else right now.... poor, poor Tim. But I can't feel too badly. Part of me feels so maliciously pleased that he had a disappointment, too, even though it is nothing in scope of what I faced.
"you're enjoying bashing me, aren't you?" he asked, half joking. I was afraid of the half truth. I couldn't figure out exactly how I felt about him. Were the nerves in my stomach really fear? Or were they something else, something I never had to face before with someone? Why did I say, "If I say it's better now, will you just leave?" and why did that statement seem so morose? It didn't make sense.
None of it did.
All I know is he stayed with me until curfew. And he didn't have to. And when he left, and I left, forcing myself to laugh lightly and start walking away like I didn't have a care.... my stomach was still a mess.
And I couldn't help but slow at the hill. Thinking about Levi, more precious and dear to me than Tim. More meaningful, deeper, lasting. I miss the depth of that love. I miss it so much. No one matters nearly the same. At all.
But I clutched my phone with his number and felt.... strangely happy. I don't know why. Why would I be happy? I am so confused. None of it makes sense, and it is my fault, I suppose. My fault to be there when he would be around. I should have just stayed away. But I didn't know he'd come lecture me. I didn't know he'd belittle it. And it hurt. He has no idea. What do you do when your life has been destroyed? And you're standing there, looking at the devastating howl of the wind in the emptiness, and someone comes up and lectures you about it? It's so unfair. Maddeningly so.


But I have his number. Proof that conversation was real.


It's so confusing.


I miss you, Levi.


Your star,
Rigel