July 27th, 2015
Dear Levi,
Tonight is your last night to fall asleep in California.
It's funny because I often think about you in Florida in January when I will maybe be there as well, but as of tomorrow, you will truly be there already. Part of that frightens me because California is the one place where you have actually demonstrated any measure of friendship towards me in the past 2.7 years. I saw you, in real life, in San Diego, and we shared a blissfully warm day together... you were my friend that day.
I wish I could go back to that place. I go back often enough in my daydreams. Mostly to feel your hug, to be laughing with you in the back of the car, and to see you so handsome as you graduated.
I miss your letters, Levi. I check my mailbox each day, although I know that I will only find disappointments. I cannot help myself. The six days when I found your letters, one by one, were so happy... like shooting stars, so bright and celestially vivid in my insignificant little sky.
I know I have to keep trusting and hoping. Trusting. Hoping. Waiting patiently. But what if all that happiness is really all over now? What happens tomorrow when you lay your sweet head down in Florida? A place foreign to both of us. Will you think of me? Or not at all?
If only I knew!
Your star,
Rigel
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Foolish Little Girls
July 25th, 2015
Dear Levi,
It's been a very long week since you added me on Facebook & Instagram. Finally, you have your phone back. I was so happy!
But I watched you add, follow, like, comment, on all these other girls' lives and I felt that anticipation fade into familiar sadness. Like I told Kate half-laughingly, "Well now I get to feel rejection from a front-row seat!" Because that is what this feels like...
I guess I'm just a foolish girl. Part of me is still so thrilled you added me, part puzzled you don't do more. I guess I'm foolish to hope you want an actual friendship, not just friendship status? Foolish to think you suddenly would care after my life after basically three years of not caring. Foolish to think it was the first step towards bigger steps. Foolish, to think that you'd do anything fast... if you were going to do anything at all Foolish to think of a future with you, when there's just nothing, nothing, besides a very slim facade of healing. And I'm such a foolish girl to still be so in love with you, I can't help being foolish about it all.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
It's been a very long week since you added me on Facebook & Instagram. Finally, you have your phone back. I was so happy!
But I watched you add, follow, like, comment, on all these other girls' lives and I felt that anticipation fade into familiar sadness. Like I told Kate half-laughingly, "Well now I get to feel rejection from a front-row seat!" Because that is what this feels like...
I guess I'm just a foolish girl. Part of me is still so thrilled you added me, part puzzled you don't do more. I guess I'm foolish to hope you want an actual friendship, not just friendship status? Foolish to think you suddenly would care after my life after basically three years of not caring. Foolish to think it was the first step towards bigger steps. Foolish, to think that you'd do anything fast... if you were going to do anything at all Foolish to think of a future with you, when there's just nothing, nothing, besides a very slim facade of healing. And I'm such a foolish girl to still be so in love with you, I can't help being foolish about it all.
Your star,
Rigel
Waking
Dear Levi,
Waking up in the blissful warmth of your virtual friendship. It's an incredible feeling. Wonderful, liberating, and yet frightening. For the first time in a long time, I feel vulnerable. Despite my private account and having deactivated this one for a good while after the breakup, so much of my life is out there for your to see and judge. And everything before the breakup, all the good, the bad, the drama and the crap. It's all still there, too, because I didn't take it down... unlike you.
What is this called? This feeling?
Waking up, sleepy smile. Reaching over for the phone and suddenly adrenaline coursing through every vein, heart on fire. Checking frantically first Facebook, then Instagram. Then relief. Strange, delighted relief. The strange, unfamiliar and wonderful symbols still there - friends, following.
And then rolling back over and laughing till I cry.
Smiling under the warm water in the shower. Cracking myself as I brush my teeth. Smiling as I throw together my purse, grab my old work shoes. Skipping to the car, basking under the glow of the moon and the first birds chirping. Coasting into work, getting out, and laughing out loud in the deserted parking lot, dancing and twirling around in the solitude from sheer thrill.
Then starting my business day all tired and sleepy and smiling, handling stressful moments and then retreating back to that dumb, love-struck blissful smile.
Getting off work, rocking out to my music. Coldplay, One Rebulic, Maroon Five, EchoSmith, Great Big Word, Ed Sheeran, Skylar Grey, Dierks Bentley, Taylor Swift, Ellie Goulding.
Oklahoma sky so big. Horizon so blue. Chores, traffic, tired girl crawling into bed. Checking facebook and email to see how the family is doing... and if you have posted anything, hoping in a tiny timid way you might have commented or liked something I posted.
Curling up on the pillows and pulling out my Bible and smiling even bigger.
You did it, God.
I knew you would, I just didn't think ever. Another miracle? I don't deserve it, surely. But yet He knows. He's always known. And I've just been bumping along in this journey.
I love you, Levi.
Always will.
That's what this smile is called.
Your star,
Rigel
Waking up in the blissful warmth of your virtual friendship. It's an incredible feeling. Wonderful, liberating, and yet frightening. For the first time in a long time, I feel vulnerable. Despite my private account and having deactivated this one for a good while after the breakup, so much of my life is out there for your to see and judge. And everything before the breakup, all the good, the bad, the drama and the crap. It's all still there, too, because I didn't take it down... unlike you.
What is this called? This feeling?
Waking up, sleepy smile. Reaching over for the phone and suddenly adrenaline coursing through every vein, heart on fire. Checking frantically first Facebook, then Instagram. Then relief. Strange, delighted relief. The strange, unfamiliar and wonderful symbols still there - friends, following.
And then rolling back over and laughing till I cry.
Smiling under the warm water in the shower. Cracking myself as I brush my teeth. Smiling as I throw together my purse, grab my old work shoes. Skipping to the car, basking under the glow of the moon and the first birds chirping. Coasting into work, getting out, and laughing out loud in the deserted parking lot, dancing and twirling around in the solitude from sheer thrill.
Then starting my business day all tired and sleepy and smiling, handling stressful moments and then retreating back to that dumb, love-struck blissful smile.
Getting off work, rocking out to my music. Coldplay, One Rebulic, Maroon Five, EchoSmith, Great Big Word, Ed Sheeran, Skylar Grey, Dierks Bentley, Taylor Swift, Ellie Goulding.
Oklahoma sky so big. Horizon so blue. Chores, traffic, tired girl crawling into bed. Checking facebook and email to see how the family is doing... and if you have posted anything, hoping in a tiny timid way you might have commented or liked something I posted.
Curling up on the pillows and pulling out my Bible and smiling even bigger.
You did it, God.
I knew you would, I just didn't think ever. Another miracle? I don't deserve it, surely. But yet He knows. He's always known. And I've just been bumping along in this journey.
I love you, Levi.
Always will.
That's what this smile is called.
Your star,
Rigel
Monday, August 3, 2015
Facebook Friends!!!!
July 20th, 2015
Dear Levi,
Facebook friends. :')
A dream come true, almost too happy for words. A prayer of 2 years and 7 months and 5 days. The trust that you would add me, and then not have your phone for a week, says so much. Thank you.
And you followed me on Instagram. =)
It almost seems more intimate, to see you as one of my "followers."
And you like GiGi's letter.... a tactical choice, but the crux of the matter between us: her death brought our lives back together, her love was proof that we were meant to be together
And you accept my follow request back! =)
Instantly, within a literal 60-second minute. Were you just waiting for me? Silly boy, sweet Levi.
But you didn't say anything. Just opened the doors wide and went back to training. What brought you to that decision, on a long Saturday night? At 11pm, going to my Instagram and liking my photo. At 1am, making the decision to take the step you had never taken before, to change everything.
Why so late at night? Why, me?
I feel so humbled, so small. When I think of you and everything so great and precious and incredible you've done and who you are... and I feel a fool to hope you'd ever want me.
Yet somehow, even in this small way, you told me that you did.
And I am so blissfully drunk on happiness, it's been 36 horus and I'm still staring at the screen shot of your FB request and... it just can't be real!! I woke up all sleepy and warm and saw that on my screen Sunday morning, and it was as if my world tilted on a new axis. I knew it was a landmark moment, a true miracle.
Truly, Levi? Truly? =)
Oh, I had forgotten for so long that happiness like this exists when I just shine and shimmer and glow in the warmth of your sunny smile on me.
Levi
Levi, my best friend forgotten
Levi, my soul mate whom my soul loves
Levi, I have missed you so much.
Every day. Every hour. Every heartbeat.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Facebook friends. :')
A dream come true, almost too happy for words. A prayer of 2 years and 7 months and 5 days. The trust that you would add me, and then not have your phone for a week, says so much. Thank you.
And you followed me on Instagram. =)
It almost seems more intimate, to see you as one of my "followers."
And you like GiGi's letter.... a tactical choice, but the crux of the matter between us: her death brought our lives back together, her love was proof that we were meant to be together
And you accept my follow request back! =)
Instantly, within a literal 60-second minute. Were you just waiting for me? Silly boy, sweet Levi.
But you didn't say anything. Just opened the doors wide and went back to training. What brought you to that decision, on a long Saturday night? At 11pm, going to my Instagram and liking my photo. At 1am, making the decision to take the step you had never taken before, to change everything.
Why so late at night? Why, me?
I feel so humbled, so small. When I think of you and everything so great and precious and incredible you've done and who you are... and I feel a fool to hope you'd ever want me.
Yet somehow, even in this small way, you told me that you did.
And I am so blissfully drunk on happiness, it's been 36 horus and I'm still staring at the screen shot of your FB request and... it just can't be real!! I woke up all sleepy and warm and saw that on my screen Sunday morning, and it was as if my world tilted on a new axis. I knew it was a landmark moment, a true miracle.
Truly, Levi? Truly? =)
Oh, I had forgotten for so long that happiness like this exists when I just shine and shimmer and glow in the warmth of your sunny smile on me.
Levi
Levi, my best friend forgotten
Levi, my soul mate whom my soul loves
Levi, I have missed you so much.
Every day. Every hour. Every heartbeat.
Your star,
Rigel
July 15th, 2015
Dear Levi,
Oklahoma is in its hottest four weeks of summer, middle of July, a whole month since graduation. It's crazy, staring through the hazy heat wave across the horizon that just a few weeks ago our paths were crossing in rainy, blissful California. That just before that, my mailbox was home to your handwritten letters.
In the days that followed June 12th and your warm banter, silence settled between us like an unspoken reminder of the past. You didn't even ask "how are you" or say "hey it meant a lot you came" when I was there in front of you. And as the days crept by and you sashayed up the west coast and caught up with your social circle... the only exile of OKC became excruciatingly real again.
You didn't send me a friend request, like I was half dreaming of. But after almost three years, that dream was knowingly delusional. Rather... you went to your fellow Marine's wedding and blocked me that night, 2am, sending me a blank FB message and then cutting me off like old times.... You dug me out of your followers on Instagram and blocked me there, too, even changing your privacy settings.
The disappointment of the silent days turned to disbelief in this new wave of furious action. That kick in the gut has been veyr, very, very hard to deal with gracefully. Pain, hurt, humiliation and anger and bitterness struggle every day. And somehow I collapse on my bed at night and cry out to God to forgive you, for healing, for me to forgive you, for healing, for you to want me again.... For my Levi, wherever he went all those years ago.
I was just as dumbfounded when you unblocked me a few days later... but not surprised that you still didn't say a words, add me or text me or acknowledge I exist. No, you just wanted a Bible and Cliff bars and someone to show you attention... when you don't. It's blindly painful. It took me forever to get here... realizing as much as Ana was a rebound from me, I was just a rebound from Nikki.
And that's all I was to you, when you were the world to me.
Another blistering hot day. In two weeks, you'll be off to balmy Florida. I know you won't write me, but I still run to my mailbox every day.... just because. If I can get through 10 weeks, I'll be moving to the Southwest USA and forever leaving OKC behind me... all the mistakes and promises and betrayal and loneliness... and then it'll be a jetplane and I'll be in Ukraine. Finally.
Every dy since the warm, this is where I belonged. Far away where you can't pretend to understand. On my own turf. In my beautiful bedroom with white velvet Chester and the chandeliers and the glittering walls and velvety curtains.. home in a different culture, language, and continent. With my turtles and my beautiful buildings. Even if you could pretend to understand, you have no claim here whatsoever.
And that's why I need to go home so badly.
I need to be free of always feeling second-place, your serf, your doormat.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Oklahoma is in its hottest four weeks of summer, middle of July, a whole month since graduation. It's crazy, staring through the hazy heat wave across the horizon that just a few weeks ago our paths were crossing in rainy, blissful California. That just before that, my mailbox was home to your handwritten letters.
In the days that followed June 12th and your warm banter, silence settled between us like an unspoken reminder of the past. You didn't even ask "how are you" or say "hey it meant a lot you came" when I was there in front of you. And as the days crept by and you sashayed up the west coast and caught up with your social circle... the only exile of OKC became excruciatingly real again.
You didn't send me a friend request, like I was half dreaming of. But after almost three years, that dream was knowingly delusional. Rather... you went to your fellow Marine's wedding and blocked me that night, 2am, sending me a blank FB message and then cutting me off like old times.... You dug me out of your followers on Instagram and blocked me there, too, even changing your privacy settings.
The disappointment of the silent days turned to disbelief in this new wave of furious action. That kick in the gut has been veyr, very, very hard to deal with gracefully. Pain, hurt, humiliation and anger and bitterness struggle every day. And somehow I collapse on my bed at night and cry out to God to forgive you, for healing, for me to forgive you, for healing, for you to want me again.... For my Levi, wherever he went all those years ago.
I was just as dumbfounded when you unblocked me a few days later... but not surprised that you still didn't say a words, add me or text me or acknowledge I exist. No, you just wanted a Bible and Cliff bars and someone to show you attention... when you don't. It's blindly painful. It took me forever to get here... realizing as much as Ana was a rebound from me, I was just a rebound from Nikki.
And that's all I was to you, when you were the world to me.
Another blistering hot day. In two weeks, you'll be off to balmy Florida. I know you won't write me, but I still run to my mailbox every day.... just because. If I can get through 10 weeks, I'll be moving to the Southwest USA and forever leaving OKC behind me... all the mistakes and promises and betrayal and loneliness... and then it'll be a jetplane and I'll be in Ukraine. Finally.
Every dy since the warm, this is where I belonged. Far away where you can't pretend to understand. On my own turf. In my beautiful bedroom with white velvet Chester and the chandeliers and the glittering walls and velvety curtains.. home in a different culture, language, and continent. With my turtles and my beautiful buildings. Even if you could pretend to understand, you have no claim here whatsoever.
And that's why I need to go home so badly.
I need to be free of always feeling second-place, your serf, your doormat.
Your star,
Rigel
The Way Jacob Loved Bella
July 6th, 2015
Dear Levi,
It's July 6th. Just a day. A Monday night, under the soft twinkle of fairy lights along my ceiling twilight Indie soundtrack in the background. I feel this aching longing to know Whatever drew you to me? What started those letters in bootcamp? What can I do again, to have a little piece of you again? Oh but the little piece! What caused it? I think I'm doing the smart thing now by not writing you at MCT... but how do I know? Technically, bootcamp started with my copying down a letter from my Mom for you. Me... writing you. Just like you asked that night on South Grande Boulevard. But this time.. you write back. Was it enough? It doesn't feel like it.
You blocked me. Removed me from Instagram Unblocked me. Changed your privacy settings. Those aren't good things. I just sit here tonight... so confused, empty... oh so tired. I can't tell what way is up. Writing, flying out to Yakima or San Diego... or nothing, just sitting here tonight... no matter what I try, this is where I end up. Never enough for you.
I want a love like Jacob's for Bella. Warm, deep, precious, fervent. I long and ache for it so deeply it feels as if I'm not even real... just a shall, a dream or a phantom. The happy girl cuddling in the arms of a strong, warm soul that you were? That's not me... that's just my dream of me.
Just a dream.
Dreaming on an empty, hot and dark summer light, but truly alone.
How long?
I perish for a drop of water.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
It's July 6th. Just a day. A Monday night, under the soft twinkle of fairy lights along my ceiling twilight Indie soundtrack in the background. I feel this aching longing to know Whatever drew you to me? What started those letters in bootcamp? What can I do again, to have a little piece of you again? Oh but the little piece! What caused it? I think I'm doing the smart thing now by not writing you at MCT... but how do I know? Technically, bootcamp started with my copying down a letter from my Mom for you. Me... writing you. Just like you asked that night on South Grande Boulevard. But this time.. you write back. Was it enough? It doesn't feel like it.
You blocked me. Removed me from Instagram Unblocked me. Changed your privacy settings. Those aren't good things. I just sit here tonight... so confused, empty... oh so tired. I can't tell what way is up. Writing, flying out to Yakima or San Diego... or nothing, just sitting here tonight... no matter what I try, this is where I end up. Never enough for you.
I want a love like Jacob's for Bella. Warm, deep, precious, fervent. I long and ache for it so deeply it feels as if I'm not even real... just a shall, a dream or a phantom. The happy girl cuddling in the arms of a strong, warm soul that you were? That's not me... that's just my dream of me.
Just a dream.
Dreaming on an empty, hot and dark summer light, but truly alone.
How long?
I perish for a drop of water.
Your star,
Rigel
Waiting No Longer
July 1st, 2015
Dear Levi,
Some things you just know, the moment it happens.
I knew the moment I fell in love. Nichols Hills, by the fir trees, under the twinkling stars and twinkling sunset, being twirled around in your arms, laughing, crying, clinging to you, you pressing me to your heart and me drinking in your scent. I knew I loved you the moment we met. But the falling in love, the let go, cliff-jumping, free-falling, once in a lifetime feeling? Happened that night.
And the day I stopped waiting for that Facebook request to be friends. The day I simply gave up. Broken. Drained. Empty. Burned out. Crushed and disillusioned. Empty... and hungry..... aching, but not on void, on a fullness I'd never sensed before: the limit of my efforts.
Sitting in the living room in the cottage on Warren Avenue, the fan blowing because we didn't have AC, sunset streaming through the window and Christmas lights in July twinkling along the ceiling, I just knew.
Tonight.
And this is how it dies, with thunderous applause.... and with silence.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Some things you just know, the moment it happens.
I knew the moment I fell in love. Nichols Hills, by the fir trees, under the twinkling stars and twinkling sunset, being twirled around in your arms, laughing, crying, clinging to you, you pressing me to your heart and me drinking in your scent. I knew I loved you the moment we met. But the falling in love, the let go, cliff-jumping, free-falling, once in a lifetime feeling? Happened that night.
And the day I stopped waiting for that Facebook request to be friends. The day I simply gave up. Broken. Drained. Empty. Burned out. Crushed and disillusioned. Empty... and hungry..... aching, but not on void, on a fullness I'd never sensed before: the limit of my efforts.
Sitting in the living room in the cottage on Warren Avenue, the fan blowing because we didn't have AC, sunset streaming through the window and Christmas lights in July twinkling along the ceiling, I just knew.
Tonight.
And this is how it dies, with thunderous applause.... and with silence.
Your star,
Rigel
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