The end of Oklahoma

Dear Levi,

I can't believe it's been so long since I posted here. I think about our blog from time to time. I kept writing letters to you on my phone or in the leather journal in my desk, but after Tim I didn't come back here.

Tim. It's funny, rereading the old posts. I'd forgotten how deep and dark and angry I had been. When Tim left, and Kendon left, and everyone had left, I eventually found myself this empty yet happy-go-lucky girl living in a surreal world. Boys continued to come and go, but not like Tim. Not like you. Thirteen of them, actually, by now. But I didn't let anyone in again. A smile, a toss of blonde curls, and a polite and gentle rebuff. I'll be friends with you, and laugh and tease, but I'll never feel anything again. Somehow, my heart made that call one night while I slept, and when I woke up, I was a girl whose heart no longer felt anything. Not pain, not sorrow, not love, not joy. Just a warm, blithe emptiness. Safer, maybe, even. In this lull, I was able to forget so much of the pain. Even now, looking back, it's all a blur of a strange dreamland.

Tim went the way of all the guys, in case you were wondering. I realized at amazing as parts of him could be, the girl I was with him was still not the girl I had found when I was with you. And as many things as I could find to admire or be inspired by, they never inspired me the way you did. And I could never believe in them the way I believe in you. So one by one, thirteen times now, I have let them try to figure out Noelle's heart and barely even noticed when they stopped trying.

Yesterday was quite a monumental day for me. But I thought I would try to blog again, to just... release the letters into an online void where maybe someday, they would find a resting place.

So here's to a few snippets I've written this year. And then we'll see where this all goes.

The one thing I know today: you do not love me. And I will never be able to stop loving you. And it is all pointless.

Your star,
Rigel