Waking

Dear Levi,

Waking up in the blissful warmth of your virtual friendship. It's an incredible feeling. Wonderful, liberating, and yet frightening. For the first time in a long time, I feel vulnerable. Despite my private account and having deactivated this one for a good while after the breakup, so much of my life is out there for your to see and judge. And everything before the breakup, all the good, the bad, the drama and the crap. It's all still there, too, because I didn't take it down... unlike you.

What is this called? This feeling?

Waking up, sleepy smile. Reaching over for the phone and suddenly adrenaline coursing through every vein, heart on fire. Checking frantically first Facebook, then Instagram. Then relief. Strange, delighted relief. The strange, unfamiliar and wonderful symbols still there - friends, following.

And then rolling back over and laughing till I cry.

Smiling under the warm water in the shower. Cracking myself as I brush my teeth. Smiling as I throw together my purse, grab my old work shoes. Skipping to the car, basking under the glow of the moon and the first birds chirping. Coasting into work, getting out, and laughing out loud in the deserted parking lot, dancing and twirling around in the solitude from sheer thrill.

Then starting my business day all tired and sleepy and smiling, handling stressful moments and then retreating back to that dumb, love-struck blissful smile.

Getting off work, rocking out to my music. Coldplay, One Rebulic, Maroon Five, EchoSmith, Great Big Word, Ed Sheeran, Skylar Grey, Dierks Bentley, Taylor Swift, Ellie Goulding.

Oklahoma sky so big. Horizon so blue. Chores, traffic, tired girl crawling into bed. Checking facebook and email to see how the family is doing... and if you have posted anything, hoping in a tiny timid way you might have commented or liked something I posted.

Curling up on the pillows and pulling out my Bible and smiling even bigger.

You did it, God.

I knew you would, I just didn't think ever. Another miracle? I don't deserve it, surely. But yet He knows. He's always known. And I've just been bumping along in this journey.

I love you, Levi.
Always will.
That's what this smile is called.

Your star,
Rigel