The Way Jacob Loved Bella

July 6th, 2015

Dear Levi,

It's July 6th. Just a day. A Monday night, under the soft twinkle of fairy lights along my ceiling twilight Indie soundtrack in the background. I feel this aching longing to know Whatever drew you to me? What started those letters in bootcamp? What can I do again, to have a little piece of you again? Oh but the little piece! What caused it? I think I'm doing the smart thing now by not writing you at MCT... but how do I know? Technically, bootcamp started with my copying down a letter from my Mom for you. Me... writing you. Just like you asked that night on South Grande Boulevard. But this time.. you write back. Was it enough? It doesn't feel like it.

You blocked me. Removed me from Instagram Unblocked me. Changed your privacy settings. Those aren't good things. I just sit here tonight... so confused, empty... oh so tired. I can't tell what way is up. Writing, flying out to Yakima or San Diego... or nothing, just sitting here tonight... no matter what I try, this is where I end up. Never enough for you.

I want a love like Jacob's for Bella. Warm, deep, precious, fervent. I long and ache for it so deeply it feels as if I'm not even real... just a shall, a dream or a phantom. The happy girl cuddling in the arms of a strong, warm soul that you were? That's not me... that's just my dream of me.

Just a dream.

Dreaming on an empty, hot and dark summer light, but truly alone.

How long?

I perish for a drop of water.

Your star,
Rigel