Dear Levi,
December 21st, 2014
Dear Levi,
Sitting in the airport, again. I've been so lucky to be blessed with the freedom and opportunity to travel. I don't take it for granted. I wish I didn't have to travel alone. Seeing the world is amazing, but it pales next to sharing that adventure with your soul mate. Having you here would make this journey so infinitely better. Of course, cute customized designer luggage would help as well. Guess I'm on the wait for both of those.
Do you know where I am?
Seattle.
Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. Your place. I claim Will Rogers as mine by necessity, but Kyiv Boryspol by right. This is yours, however, and I've never been here before. It's heartbreaking and amazing all at once. I had the Starkeys drop me off hours early so I could wander these marble halls and chase a glimpse of your ghost.
It's so easy, to close my eyes and see you here. With your beanie hat, your backpack, your jeans touching those worn canvas shoes. Your ear bud cord trailing to your beloved android in your pocket. A happy, boyish smile on your face and your warm, caramel eyes shining. I can see you interact with the people I pass. The little girl in the tutu and uggs. The elderly man looking at the concourse map. It's emptier in reality, but I'm just so grateful I shared enough time with you I can actually daydream about you.
Even though it will never seem enough, the time you gave me was a precious gift... thank you.
Present day, I'm leaving from a quiet holiday in Mt. Vernon to return to my personal exile in OKC. I haven't figured anything out in the two years since you've left. I don't know where to go until I figure it out.
Present day, you sat with Ana at the Lord's Supper. You sat on the steps that last night on the loop gazing into her face. You hit on Pearl's new profile picture. And you updated a delayed entry into the United States Marine Corps as of December 8th, then deleted it from public view... the most shocking, didn't-see-it-coming curve ball ever. You hurt me intentionally, time and time again. And now you're moving as far away as possible, and I'll never know if you are even in the country or on the globe.
So I curled up and cried myself to sleep in the Starkey's parlor by the Christmas tree, and prayed to God about how confused I still feel sometimes, how helpless. Couldn't you just give me a sign if there is any, any point of holding on?? I feel like I'm holding on to thin air... maybe something even more elusive than that.
I wiped the tears away, and saw my second cousin had added me on Facebook, Jordan Cook. Curious, I pulled up his page to take a glance and froze. There, through the confused and hot tears leaking through my eyes, his newest post for the world to see: in a relationship with Kayla FOWLER. Just like that.
I know God answers when we seek Him. But I've made so many mistakes... and some of them quite recently. Why would God ever give me the desire of my heart?
It doesn't make sense.
Taking this way out of proportion, girl, I told myself. I closed my Facebook and cried afresh. God, please give me help, give me direction. I miss Levi. I love him, even through all the hurt.
Your star,
Rigel
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