On the Way to San Diego

June 10th, 2015

Dear Levi,
Somewhere in the skies between Houston, Texas and San Diego, California.

"Another airplane, another sunny place. I'm lucky, I  know. But I want to go home... I miss you, you know." - song in my head aboard this flight from Houston to San Diego.

I always find my soul missing you just wanting to talk to you. I'm not even sure if it would ever even be like this or if I've merely adapted to this fantasy of altered reality The substitute isn't so bad, in its own way. Less drama than real life.

While I was sitting along in the Houston terminal, listening to a live concerto by the brass band int he breezeway, Davina was posting about their arrival in San Diego, free to tag you in teh post, free to flourish in her love and freedom in your life. It hurts. It huts that I can't post because I'm afraid she doesn't want us together after how she acted and what she said to me on my funeral trip. And the letter years ago accusing me of stalking you. It's not fair, because not only do I have to overcome my own demons from your betrayal & abandonment; not only do I have to overcome your own slow progress to being friends again, let alone lovers; now I must also overcome the ploys of a very influential woman in your life, who has made it clear she doesn't want to be a part of mine and wants me to no longer care for you at all.

I don't know what to do. I'm so little. So little and helpless. They are relaxing in a nice hotel knowing they can freely see you tomorrow and take you home with them and have your undivided affection and I.... I'm trying not to cry on a plane all alone, wondering how such a small girl found herself battling an overwhelming world of obstacles.

I guess I just want to tell you how I feel right now.

There is a flight attendant, a guy, on this flight, so funny and calming, and a couple of hipster guys, and some business tie guys. And part of me wonders wearily whether it wouldn't just be simpler to embrace a new life with someone new. Right before Gigi died I was there, at that bridge, to say goodbye to you forever.

Until God and fate intervened. And after the baby blip my journey across the country to Yakima seemed to make in your world, I wanted to find that distance again. Hurt, rebuffed... but sad not surprised. Until my flight dates to vacation in California had to be changed. When I'd deliberately bought them two weeks bfore your graduation so I could force myself to to be there. Until God and fate intervened... again, it would seem.

Yet despite the evident hand of God, I feel inadequate to explain all this to Davina, to you, to defend why I'm going to be paying for a hotel on Coronado Island, another rental car; as soon as I land, why I will lather my skin in a souffle mask, apply teeth strips, and be up at the crack of dawn styling and beautifying my frustratingly dull self... rather than sleeping in, hitting the beach, dreaming safely of days long gone.

I hope, someday, all this will mater to you.
Or to someone.

I'm at the point where I just need to matter to someone.
The way you still matter to me.

Your star,
Rigel