June 25th, 2015
Dear Levi,
Starlight. Rigel and Jupiter making love in the night sky. Twilight of teal and dusky blue turning to darkness of night. Infinite quiet bliss in the balm of summer. Firefly fascination, infatuation of the glowing, floating wishes under the tall, dark mulberry eaves... The rustling leaves, cooing crickets, staccato of insects in the quiet darkness, a moment of breeze carrying the sound of long grasses and wildflowers and drooping hyacinth bushes, sweet fragrance of summer June nights. Moonlight, silver and mysterious, touching the skyline of rooftops and maple leaves with a subtle, perfect glow.
Oh, Levi. I sit here on my car and drink it in. I'm living my life, but not for a minute does the ache go away, remembering the boy who would have once sat with me here and lived it with me.
I miss you so much tonight it hurts, oh so much. Oh so much. The waiting, it hurts. The unknown.
Will I ever know?
Your star,
Rigel
Monday, August 3, 2015
Enchanting Moment on Lake Hefner
June 22nd, 2015
Dear Levi,
The most enchanting moment... it stopped me in my tracks, wide eyed, soul lifting to the pastel blue skies somewhere above the swaying tree branches. the trail, lined with lush green lawn and stretches of golden wild flowers, curved around to a view of the lake.
Hefner was glittering, waves rippling in shattering diamonds under the setting sun, rushing to open water. The river was flowing silently, and just as silently, the magic danced down through the trees in the sun rays. Visible, barely, so light and translucent and delicate that if you didn't take time to notice you'd never see the cottonwood cascading down in the breeze.
Like a myriad of angels fluttering down to the green earth, then floating softly near the water, above the grass, through the trees. It was more than magical, it was perfect.
Like the fireflies on Saturday night when I was battling the choice to stay alive or go, after you blocked me on Facebook and Instagram out of the blue, so unexpected, so hurtful after California~ it was God, showing me something so enchanting no one else might even have seen this evening. Just me, still as a fawn on the trail breathing in the scent of woods, water, wildflowers and cottonwood.
I wish you were here to share this moment, Levi. Walk this path with me, splash through the water ont he pier, have a picnic under the trees in the sunset glow. You're not here.. yet you are, in my heart. I carry your memory with me, the boy who unfathomably adored me and pinky-promised he'd marry me; and loved me... and loved me. I don't know where he went, but I'll never forget him.
I promised him forever, and I meant it.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
The most enchanting moment... it stopped me in my tracks, wide eyed, soul lifting to the pastel blue skies somewhere above the swaying tree branches. the trail, lined with lush green lawn and stretches of golden wild flowers, curved around to a view of the lake.
Hefner was glittering, waves rippling in shattering diamonds under the setting sun, rushing to open water. The river was flowing silently, and just as silently, the magic danced down through the trees in the sun rays. Visible, barely, so light and translucent and delicate that if you didn't take time to notice you'd never see the cottonwood cascading down in the breeze.
Like a myriad of angels fluttering down to the green earth, then floating softly near the water, above the grass, through the trees. It was more than magical, it was perfect.
Like the fireflies on Saturday night when I was battling the choice to stay alive or go, after you blocked me on Facebook and Instagram out of the blue, so unexpected, so hurtful after California~ it was God, showing me something so enchanting no one else might even have seen this evening. Just me, still as a fawn on the trail breathing in the scent of woods, water, wildflowers and cottonwood.
I wish you were here to share this moment, Levi. Walk this path with me, splash through the water ont he pier, have a picnic under the trees in the sunset glow. You're not here.. yet you are, in my heart. I carry your memory with me, the boy who unfathomably adored me and pinky-promised he'd marry me; and loved me... and loved me. I don't know where he went, but I'll never forget him.
I promised him forever, and I meant it.
Your star,
Rigel
Drive to Camarillo
June 12th, 2015
Dear Levi,
On a winding coastal highway from San Diego to Camarillo, past Coronado, Los Angeles, Santa Monica, I leaned my head into the sunlight streaming through the passenger window of my little brother's car. He fussed about the traffic, looking so sharp in his USMC Charlies. I took int eh rolling ocean waves, verdant palm trees, and modern SoCal architecture along the road. Traffic was bad, but I'd learned to become indifferent to it after managing OKC's busiest catering branch of Panera Bread, Inc. We would get there eventualy, and I wasn't exactly in a hurry. This road trip was blissful. I'd dreamt of it since Kendon was stationed in California more than six months ago. And here we were, at last.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
On a winding coastal highway from San Diego to Camarillo, past Coronado, Los Angeles, Santa Monica, I leaned my head into the sunlight streaming through the passenger window of my little brother's car. He fussed about the traffic, looking so sharp in his USMC Charlies. I took int eh rolling ocean waves, verdant palm trees, and modern SoCal architecture along the road. Traffic was bad, but I'd learned to become indifferent to it after managing OKC's busiest catering branch of Panera Bread, Inc. We would get there eventualy, and I wasn't exactly in a hurry. This road trip was blissful. I'd dreamt of it since Kendon was stationed in California more than six months ago. And here we were, at last.
Your star,
Rigel
Family Day in Snapshot Memories
June 11th, 2015
Dear Levi,
Family Day, MCRD San Diego, California. The sun setting slow and sweetly. Hot dog smoke. Palm trees. Taylor Swift on the boom boxes. My Levi. Levi in green athletic shorts, his leg so bruised, his face so angry and controlled. Levi in sharp tan uniform, his face happy and childish and yet older somehow, so close and tangible I could literally reach out my fingers and touch him if I could dare to. I just never want to forget that time with you. Never. You don't have to love me. I just love being near you. You're like my sun. My soul blossoms to the warmth.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Family Day, MCRD San Diego, California. The sun setting slow and sweetly. Hot dog smoke. Palm trees. Taylor Swift on the boom boxes. My Levi. Levi in green athletic shorts, his leg so bruised, his face so angry and controlled. Levi in sharp tan uniform, his face happy and childish and yet older somehow, so close and tangible I could literally reach out my fingers and touch him if I could dare to. I just never want to forget that time with you. Never. You don't have to love me. I just love being near you. You're like my sun. My soul blossoms to the warmth.
Your star,
Rigel
Six Letters in my Lap
Dear Levi,
Of the carefully selected luggage I am bringing with me to California, there are six white and perfect letters in my lap on this jetplane. I read them over and over again, and then read a few favorite letters from Gigi. They are equally precious to me, yours and hers. And I can't describe the way they make me feel. The wonder... the awe.. that I would ever have a letter from you again. It may be I will never have another letter but these six you sent me during bootcamp. But these six represent the biggest miracle of my life.
And I just wanted to let you know.
Your star,
Rigel
Of the carefully selected luggage I am bringing with me to California, there are six white and perfect letters in my lap on this jetplane. I read them over and over again, and then read a few favorite letters from Gigi. They are equally precious to me, yours and hers. And I can't describe the way they make me feel. The wonder... the awe.. that I would ever have a letter from you again. It may be I will never have another letter but these six you sent me during bootcamp. But these six represent the biggest miracle of my life.
And I just wanted to let you know.
Your star,
Rigel
So Proud of My Marine
Dear Levi,
Just a small note to say what my heart is feeling, bursting inside with pride. I'm so proud of you, making it through bootcamp. I know I'll see you tomorrow and I'm petrified. I can only hope, excitement will catch up. But right now, I'm just proud of you. You did it, Levi.
Your star,
Rigel
Just a small note to say what my heart is feeling, bursting inside with pride. I'm so proud of you, making it through bootcamp. I know I'll see you tomorrow and I'm petrified. I can only hope, excitement will catch up. But right now, I'm just proud of you. You did it, Levi.
Your star,
Rigel
On the Way to San Diego
June 10th, 2015
Dear Levi,
Somewhere in the skies between Houston, Texas and San Diego, California.
"Another airplane, another sunny place. I'm lucky, I know. But I want to go home... I miss you, you know." - song in my head aboard this flight from Houston to San Diego.
I always find my soul missing you just wanting to talk to you. I'm not even sure if it would ever even be like this or if I've merely adapted to this fantasy of altered reality The substitute isn't so bad, in its own way. Less drama than real life.
While I was sitting along in the Houston terminal, listening to a live concerto by the brass band int he breezeway, Davina was posting about their arrival in San Diego, free to tag you in teh post, free to flourish in her love and freedom in your life. It hurts. It huts that I can't post because I'm afraid she doesn't want us together after how she acted and what she said to me on my funeral trip. And the letter years ago accusing me of stalking you. It's not fair, because not only do I have to overcome my own demons from your betrayal & abandonment; not only do I have to overcome your own slow progress to being friends again, let alone lovers; now I must also overcome the ploys of a very influential woman in your life, who has made it clear she doesn't want to be a part of mine and wants me to no longer care for you at all.
I don't know what to do. I'm so little. So little and helpless. They are relaxing in a nice hotel knowing they can freely see you tomorrow and take you home with them and have your undivided affection and I.... I'm trying not to cry on a plane all alone, wondering how such a small girl found herself battling an overwhelming world of obstacles.
I guess I just want to tell you how I feel right now.
There is a flight attendant, a guy, on this flight, so funny and calming, and a couple of hipster guys, and some business tie guys. And part of me wonders wearily whether it wouldn't just be simpler to embrace a new life with someone new. Right before Gigi died I was there, at that bridge, to say goodbye to you forever.
Until God and fate intervened. And after the baby blip my journey across the country to Yakima seemed to make in your world, I wanted to find that distance again. Hurt, rebuffed... but sad not surprised. Until my flight dates to vacation in California had to be changed. When I'd deliberately bought them two weeks bfore your graduation so I could force myself to to be there. Until God and fate intervened... again, it would seem.
Yet despite the evident hand of God, I feel inadequate to explain all this to Davina, to you, to defend why I'm going to be paying for a hotel on Coronado Island, another rental car; as soon as I land, why I will lather my skin in a souffle mask, apply teeth strips, and be up at the crack of dawn styling and beautifying my frustratingly dull self... rather than sleeping in, hitting the beach, dreaming safely of days long gone.
I hope, someday, all this will mater to you.
Or to someone.
I'm at the point where I just need to matter to someone.
The way you still matter to me.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Somewhere in the skies between Houston, Texas and San Diego, California.
"Another airplane, another sunny place. I'm lucky, I know. But I want to go home... I miss you, you know." - song in my head aboard this flight from Houston to San Diego.
I always find my soul missing you just wanting to talk to you. I'm not even sure if it would ever even be like this or if I've merely adapted to this fantasy of altered reality The substitute isn't so bad, in its own way. Less drama than real life.
While I was sitting along in the Houston terminal, listening to a live concerto by the brass band int he breezeway, Davina was posting about their arrival in San Diego, free to tag you in teh post, free to flourish in her love and freedom in your life. It hurts. It huts that I can't post because I'm afraid she doesn't want us together after how she acted and what she said to me on my funeral trip. And the letter years ago accusing me of stalking you. It's not fair, because not only do I have to overcome my own demons from your betrayal & abandonment; not only do I have to overcome your own slow progress to being friends again, let alone lovers; now I must also overcome the ploys of a very influential woman in your life, who has made it clear she doesn't want to be a part of mine and wants me to no longer care for you at all.
I don't know what to do. I'm so little. So little and helpless. They are relaxing in a nice hotel knowing they can freely see you tomorrow and take you home with them and have your undivided affection and I.... I'm trying not to cry on a plane all alone, wondering how such a small girl found herself battling an overwhelming world of obstacles.
I guess I just want to tell you how I feel right now.
There is a flight attendant, a guy, on this flight, so funny and calming, and a couple of hipster guys, and some business tie guys. And part of me wonders wearily whether it wouldn't just be simpler to embrace a new life with someone new. Right before Gigi died I was there, at that bridge, to say goodbye to you forever.
Until God and fate intervened. And after the baby blip my journey across the country to Yakima seemed to make in your world, I wanted to find that distance again. Hurt, rebuffed... but sad not surprised. Until my flight dates to vacation in California had to be changed. When I'd deliberately bought them two weeks bfore your graduation so I could force myself to to be there. Until God and fate intervened... again, it would seem.
Yet despite the evident hand of God, I feel inadequate to explain all this to Davina, to you, to defend why I'm going to be paying for a hotel on Coronado Island, another rental car; as soon as I land, why I will lather my skin in a souffle mask, apply teeth strips, and be up at the crack of dawn styling and beautifying my frustratingly dull self... rather than sleeping in, hitting the beach, dreaming safely of days long gone.
I hope, someday, all this will mater to you.
Or to someone.
I'm at the point where I just need to matter to someone.
The way you still matter to me.
Your star,
Rigel
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