February 21st, 2015
Dear Levi,
I just want to talk to you. Really talk. Open up. Ask what went wrong. Ask how you are doing. Ask you if you ever think about me, every think about me in all that I have been going through. Tell you all the scary things, the sad things, the happy things and the big things. Just talk.
To breathe... Because tonight I feel like I am suffocating. because I could hit the call button, or the text button, or the message button, or the add friend button. But I can't. Because of all the signals you send, everything you said to me is about you not wanting me. And not even wanting to talk to me. Wanting that wall. And I feel like I can't breathe. Like I just need to scream, to feel anything except this cold panic in my chest.
Anyone out there, to listen? But there is no one. No one will listen, because there is nothing new to say. And no one to tell me it's okay, because it will never be okay. You will never truly care about me again... enough.
And that's it. There's just nothing tonight. And that nothingness is killing me.
Your star,
Rigel
Monday, August 3, 2015
Not a Ghost Anymore
February 6th 2015
Dear Levi,
Another airplane, another note.
But this time, you're not a ghost on the other side of an impossible glass way.. This time.... you spoke to me today. To me, to Noelle. I have the texts on this phone. All I can say as I flying into Denver coming from Seattle is that my heart is overwhelmed. There almost aren't words.
Thank you....
Your star,
Rigel
GiGi's funeral
January 2015
Dear Levi,
Two years since you left me. Since that awful night. And now, something just as awful has happened. GiGi passed away. Too soon. I wasn't ready. I can't even comprehend it yet. Just, gone.
And before I was ready, either, I was selling my TV and appliances to travel through blizzards across the continent to Seattle, to drive to Yakima, to go to a place I've never been but always dreamed of, right into your presence.
That trip and all the weeks around it are too private, too precious and too fragile and too painful to put up on this blog. If you ever want to know what went through my head, you'll have to ask me for the leather journal. Or sit on my bed and hold me in your arms, or hold my hand walking through a secluded park.
But GiGi is gone.
Why? It is breaking my heart.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Two years since you left me. Since that awful night. And now, something just as awful has happened. GiGi passed away. Too soon. I wasn't ready. I can't even comprehend it yet. Just, gone.
And before I was ready, either, I was selling my TV and appliances to travel through blizzards across the continent to Seattle, to drive to Yakima, to go to a place I've never been but always dreamed of, right into your presence.
That trip and all the weeks around it are too private, too precious and too fragile and too painful to put up on this blog. If you ever want to know what went through my head, you'll have to ask me for the leather journal. Or sit on my bed and hold me in your arms, or hold my hand walking through a secluded park.
But GiGi is gone.
Why? It is breaking my heart.
Your star,
Rigel
Seattle on Christmas Holiday
Dear Levi,
December 21st, 2014
Dear Levi,
Sitting in the airport, again. I've been so lucky to be blessed with the freedom and opportunity to travel. I don't take it for granted. I wish I didn't have to travel alone. Seeing the world is amazing, but it pales next to sharing that adventure with your soul mate. Having you here would make this journey so infinitely better. Of course, cute customized designer luggage would help as well. Guess I'm on the wait for both of those.
Do you know where I am?
Seattle.
Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. Your place. I claim Will Rogers as mine by necessity, but Kyiv Boryspol by right. This is yours, however, and I've never been here before. It's heartbreaking and amazing all at once. I had the Starkeys drop me off hours early so I could wander these marble halls and chase a glimpse of your ghost.
It's so easy, to close my eyes and see you here. With your beanie hat, your backpack, your jeans touching those worn canvas shoes. Your ear bud cord trailing to your beloved android in your pocket. A happy, boyish smile on your face and your warm, caramel eyes shining. I can see you interact with the people I pass. The little girl in the tutu and uggs. The elderly man looking at the concourse map. It's emptier in reality, but I'm just so grateful I shared enough time with you I can actually daydream about you.
Even though it will never seem enough, the time you gave me was a precious gift... thank you.
Present day, I'm leaving from a quiet holiday in Mt. Vernon to return to my personal exile in OKC. I haven't figured anything out in the two years since you've left. I don't know where to go until I figure it out.
Present day, you sat with Ana at the Lord's Supper. You sat on the steps that last night on the loop gazing into her face. You hit on Pearl's new profile picture. And you updated a delayed entry into the United States Marine Corps as of December 8th, then deleted it from public view... the most shocking, didn't-see-it-coming curve ball ever. You hurt me intentionally, time and time again. And now you're moving as far away as possible, and I'll never know if you are even in the country or on the globe.
So I curled up and cried myself to sleep in the Starkey's parlor by the Christmas tree, and prayed to God about how confused I still feel sometimes, how helpless. Couldn't you just give me a sign if there is any, any point of holding on?? I feel like I'm holding on to thin air... maybe something even more elusive than that.
I wiped the tears away, and saw my second cousin had added me on Facebook, Jordan Cook. Curious, I pulled up his page to take a glance and froze. There, through the confused and hot tears leaking through my eyes, his newest post for the world to see: in a relationship with Kayla FOWLER. Just like that.
I know God answers when we seek Him. But I've made so many mistakes... and some of them quite recently. Why would God ever give me the desire of my heart?
It doesn't make sense.
Taking this way out of proportion, girl, I told myself. I closed my Facebook and cried afresh. God, please give me help, give me direction. I miss Levi. I love him, even through all the hurt.
Your star,
Rigel
December 21st, 2014
Dear Levi,
Sitting in the airport, again. I've been so lucky to be blessed with the freedom and opportunity to travel. I don't take it for granted. I wish I didn't have to travel alone. Seeing the world is amazing, but it pales next to sharing that adventure with your soul mate. Having you here would make this journey so infinitely better. Of course, cute customized designer luggage would help as well. Guess I'm on the wait for both of those.
Do you know where I am?
Seattle.
Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. Your place. I claim Will Rogers as mine by necessity, but Kyiv Boryspol by right. This is yours, however, and I've never been here before. It's heartbreaking and amazing all at once. I had the Starkeys drop me off hours early so I could wander these marble halls and chase a glimpse of your ghost.
It's so easy, to close my eyes and see you here. With your beanie hat, your backpack, your jeans touching those worn canvas shoes. Your ear bud cord trailing to your beloved android in your pocket. A happy, boyish smile on your face and your warm, caramel eyes shining. I can see you interact with the people I pass. The little girl in the tutu and uggs. The elderly man looking at the concourse map. It's emptier in reality, but I'm just so grateful I shared enough time with you I can actually daydream about you.
Even though it will never seem enough, the time you gave me was a precious gift... thank you.
Present day, I'm leaving from a quiet holiday in Mt. Vernon to return to my personal exile in OKC. I haven't figured anything out in the two years since you've left. I don't know where to go until I figure it out.
Present day, you sat with Ana at the Lord's Supper. You sat on the steps that last night on the loop gazing into her face. You hit on Pearl's new profile picture. And you updated a delayed entry into the United States Marine Corps as of December 8th, then deleted it from public view... the most shocking, didn't-see-it-coming curve ball ever. You hurt me intentionally, time and time again. And now you're moving as far away as possible, and I'll never know if you are even in the country or on the globe.
So I curled up and cried myself to sleep in the Starkey's parlor by the Christmas tree, and prayed to God about how confused I still feel sometimes, how helpless. Couldn't you just give me a sign if there is any, any point of holding on?? I feel like I'm holding on to thin air... maybe something even more elusive than that.
I wiped the tears away, and saw my second cousin had added me on Facebook, Jordan Cook. Curious, I pulled up his page to take a glance and froze. There, through the confused and hot tears leaking through my eyes, his newest post for the world to see: in a relationship with Kayla FOWLER. Just like that.
I know God answers when we seek Him. But I've made so many mistakes... and some of them quite recently. Why would God ever give me the desire of my heart?
It doesn't make sense.
Taking this way out of proportion, girl, I told myself. I closed my Facebook and cried afresh. God, please give me help, give me direction. I miss Levi. I love him, even through all the hurt.
Your star,
Rigel
On the Way to Welcome Vivian
Dear Levi,
October 18th, 2014
Flying from Charlotte to Pittsburgh, I just wanted to jot a note. Bubbling lava sunrise under a sea of perfectly white clouds. Golden rays on my face through the Pexiglass window. Exit rows. Protein smoothie. Coffee. Pen and paper. My stomach feeling the rush of takeoff my head the pound of landing. Guess handbag. Kate Spade day planner. Indie lace tunic bohemian jeweled necklace, buckle boots. And all I can feel is the longing for my soul mate. We aren't together now, and we never will be perhaps. This is is just part of who I am.
Come back, Levi.
Your star,
Rigel
October 18th, 2014
Flying from Charlotte to Pittsburgh, I just wanted to jot a note. Bubbling lava sunrise under a sea of perfectly white clouds. Golden rays on my face through the Pexiglass window. Exit rows. Protein smoothie. Coffee. Pen and paper. My stomach feeling the rush of takeoff my head the pound of landing. Guess handbag. Kate Spade day planner. Indie lace tunic bohemian jeweled necklace, buckle boots. And all I can feel is the longing for my soul mate. We aren't together now, and we never will be perhaps. This is is just part of who I am.
Come back, Levi.
Your star,
Rigel
The end of Oklahoma
Dear Levi,
I can't believe it's been so long since I posted here. I think about our blog from time to time. I kept writing letters to you on my phone or in the leather journal in my desk, but after Tim I didn't come back here.
Tim. It's funny, rereading the old posts. I'd forgotten how deep and dark and angry I had been. When Tim left, and Kendon left, and everyone had left, I eventually found myself this empty yet happy-go-lucky girl living in a surreal world. Boys continued to come and go, but not like Tim. Not like you. Thirteen of them, actually, by now. But I didn't let anyone in again. A smile, a toss of blonde curls, and a polite and gentle rebuff. I'll be friends with you, and laugh and tease, but I'll never feel anything again. Somehow, my heart made that call one night while I slept, and when I woke up, I was a girl whose heart no longer felt anything. Not pain, not sorrow, not love, not joy. Just a warm, blithe emptiness. Safer, maybe, even. In this lull, I was able to forget so much of the pain. Even now, looking back, it's all a blur of a strange dreamland.
Tim went the way of all the guys, in case you were wondering. I realized at amazing as parts of him could be, the girl I was with him was still not the girl I had found when I was with you. And as many things as I could find to admire or be inspired by, they never inspired me the way you did. And I could never believe in them the way I believe in you. So one by one, thirteen times now, I have let them try to figure out Noelle's heart and barely even noticed when they stopped trying.
Yesterday was quite a monumental day for me. But I thought I would try to blog again, to just... release the letters into an online void where maybe someday, they would find a resting place.
So here's to a few snippets I've written this year. And then we'll see where this all goes.
The one thing I know today: you do not love me. And I will never be able to stop loving you. And it is all pointless.
Your star,
Rigel
I can't believe it's been so long since I posted here. I think about our blog from time to time. I kept writing letters to you on my phone or in the leather journal in my desk, but after Tim I didn't come back here.
Tim. It's funny, rereading the old posts. I'd forgotten how deep and dark and angry I had been. When Tim left, and Kendon left, and everyone had left, I eventually found myself this empty yet happy-go-lucky girl living in a surreal world. Boys continued to come and go, but not like Tim. Not like you. Thirteen of them, actually, by now. But I didn't let anyone in again. A smile, a toss of blonde curls, and a polite and gentle rebuff. I'll be friends with you, and laugh and tease, but I'll never feel anything again. Somehow, my heart made that call one night while I slept, and when I woke up, I was a girl whose heart no longer felt anything. Not pain, not sorrow, not love, not joy. Just a warm, blithe emptiness. Safer, maybe, even. In this lull, I was able to forget so much of the pain. Even now, looking back, it's all a blur of a strange dreamland.
Tim went the way of all the guys, in case you were wondering. I realized at amazing as parts of him could be, the girl I was with him was still not the girl I had found when I was with you. And as many things as I could find to admire or be inspired by, they never inspired me the way you did. And I could never believe in them the way I believe in you. So one by one, thirteen times now, I have let them try to figure out Noelle's heart and barely even noticed when they stopped trying.
Yesterday was quite a monumental day for me. But I thought I would try to blog again, to just... release the letters into an online void where maybe someday, they would find a resting place.
So here's to a few snippets I've written this year. And then we'll see where this all goes.
The one thing I know today: you do not love me. And I will never be able to stop loving you. And it is all pointless.
Your star,
Rigel
Monday, March 31, 2014
Come back
Levi, you're gone.... and he's gone... and there's nothing. And there's nothing I want, except you. And I'll be okay, I guess. If a big, empty, aching void of existence is really something to count. But I want you... I want you to come back. I miss you. I don't care about you leaving me, or even Anna... I care about you choosing to never come back. Never? As in... ever? Forever, this? No... please, don't. Don't do this to me. Remember your little Noelle? Do you remember our letters? Our snuggles? Our dreams and tears? Do you ever remember... ever at all?
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