July 31, 2015
Dear Levi
And then I crawl into bed after writing the last post and pull out my Bible, crepe paper blossoms turning softly in the air above my head. My room warm and quiet at midnight, lit by a soft golden glow from the lamp in the corner. Psalm 30, the psalm of the day. Random.
"O Lord my God, I cried unto thee and thou has healed me." This is a completed verb, a full healing. That means God will finish what he started, it won't be like this gaping hole forever.
"O Lord, thou has brought up my soul from the grave, though ahs kept me alive that I should not go down into the pit." This is God's work, not man's.
"For his anger endureth but a moment, in his favor is life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."
This night will not last. There is a tomorrow morning. Not random chance. Not hopeless delusions. But definite trust in God's master plan. I mean, look where it has brought us.
My phone may not go off tonight with those delicious, coveted chimes. And it's okay to be sad in the night. But I can cry still knowing that God is working to bring a beautiful sunrise. I can't comprehend how it will ever be okay again. But I have to trust that it will be.
Your star,
Rigel
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Wild, the Movie
July 30th, 2015
Dear Levi,
This letter is for you, for me. I watched Wild tonight starring Reece Witherspoon. At first I thought I was watching the hurt and resilience of my own life. Then at some point, I realized I was watching you, too. That broken childhood, that grief for someone gone you loved most, the tough walls and fortitude to survive and become something in this wild, unpredictable thing called life.
I'm so proud of you. I love you, still. I hurt for you, still. I'm in awe of you, still. I want you to let down those walls if there is anything left of that Levi who needed me. That one curled up in a fetal position in the car after a fender bender off North May; the Levi who talked to me late a night with tears pooling out his shiny, incredibly vulnerable eyes. That... that is what I cherished.
Everyone else is fun and warm and sturdy maybe.. but just, empty human shells so shallow inside.
You were fathomless.
Like a great sea or lake. I could spend my lifetime trying to drink in your soul, the clear deep depths.
But could there be nothing left? Nothing left but this hardened former Bible college student surrounded by strange friends, a wandering Marine in far away places. Indifferent. What if that's all that is left?
Somehow, in reaching an understand of who you were to me, I lost who I am to myself. How do I reconcile the past years of bliss with the years of pain? Which one will ultimately outweigh the other in the story of my life? How do I grip the grinding present? How do I dare possibly hope for a future, and what could it even possibly hold?
Sometimes I think I have got it all planned out, figured out. Leaving Oklahoma. Ukraine. Pre-med, in Florida. Med school in Seattle. Navy. Doctor. Calculated posts on Instagram and Facebook, sleeping with my phone curled to my chest and waking up violently in the night to check it. Please, please still be friends.
But in those disoriented moments, or when my car is broke down in the middle of Oklahoma noonday heat without water, when I'm watching Cheryl Strayed grieve the loss of her mother and face the meaninglessness of her existence, you liking every since post Pear puts up just as soon as you get your phone back... not knowing what to say. Not knowing what to post. Not knowing if its too much or not enough. Feeling confused, frightened, angry and frustrated. Realizing I can never write GiGi again and that there is no one truly left who knows you, truly, who would want to help me, truly.
Yes, in these moments, I know that a part of me deep inside is still horribly broken, irrevocably splintered. Our breakup was my fault but the years of calculated coldness was yours, destroying me.
Sometimes, like tonight, I want so badly to give up.
Who am I?
Do I mean anything to anyone? The way you said I meant to you once? Will I ever, ever matter again? Will ever even believe that? Can I keep trying and waking up and smiling... and curling up crying in my car at twilight by the lake and feeling so utterly broken inside? Will there never, ever, ever be a day, ever, that you would tackle the world... and fix all this?
Or is this all there is ever going to be.... The brokenness, the looking back. The bravery, looking forward. But still empty. Always, broken.
I hope you are enjoying the warm shores of Florida at midnight, the moonlight on your window like it is on mine.
And I hope you think of me.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
This letter is for you, for me. I watched Wild tonight starring Reece Witherspoon. At first I thought I was watching the hurt and resilience of my own life. Then at some point, I realized I was watching you, too. That broken childhood, that grief for someone gone you loved most, the tough walls and fortitude to survive and become something in this wild, unpredictable thing called life.
I'm so proud of you. I love you, still. I hurt for you, still. I'm in awe of you, still. I want you to let down those walls if there is anything left of that Levi who needed me. That one curled up in a fetal position in the car after a fender bender off North May; the Levi who talked to me late a night with tears pooling out his shiny, incredibly vulnerable eyes. That... that is what I cherished.
Everyone else is fun and warm and sturdy maybe.. but just, empty human shells so shallow inside.
You were fathomless.
Like a great sea or lake. I could spend my lifetime trying to drink in your soul, the clear deep depths.
But could there be nothing left? Nothing left but this hardened former Bible college student surrounded by strange friends, a wandering Marine in far away places. Indifferent. What if that's all that is left?
Somehow, in reaching an understand of who you were to me, I lost who I am to myself. How do I reconcile the past years of bliss with the years of pain? Which one will ultimately outweigh the other in the story of my life? How do I grip the grinding present? How do I dare possibly hope for a future, and what could it even possibly hold?
Sometimes I think I have got it all planned out, figured out. Leaving Oklahoma. Ukraine. Pre-med, in Florida. Med school in Seattle. Navy. Doctor. Calculated posts on Instagram and Facebook, sleeping with my phone curled to my chest and waking up violently in the night to check it. Please, please still be friends.
But in those disoriented moments, or when my car is broke down in the middle of Oklahoma noonday heat without water, when I'm watching Cheryl Strayed grieve the loss of her mother and face the meaninglessness of her existence, you liking every since post Pear puts up just as soon as you get your phone back... not knowing what to say. Not knowing what to post. Not knowing if its too much or not enough. Feeling confused, frightened, angry and frustrated. Realizing I can never write GiGi again and that there is no one truly left who knows you, truly, who would want to help me, truly.
Yes, in these moments, I know that a part of me deep inside is still horribly broken, irrevocably splintered. Our breakup was my fault but the years of calculated coldness was yours, destroying me.
Sometimes, like tonight, I want so badly to give up.
Who am I?
Do I mean anything to anyone? The way you said I meant to you once? Will I ever, ever matter again? Will ever even believe that? Can I keep trying and waking up and smiling... and curling up crying in my car at twilight by the lake and feeling so utterly broken inside? Will there never, ever, ever be a day, ever, that you would tackle the world... and fix all this?
Or is this all there is ever going to be.... The brokenness, the looking back. The bravery, looking forward. But still empty. Always, broken.
I hope you are enjoying the warm shores of Florida at midnight, the moonlight on your window like it is on mine.
And I hope you think of me.
Your star,
Rigel
July 29th, 2015
Dear Levi,
We shared the sunrise this morning. Yours was a glowing yellow and dusky grey rippling over a sea of clouds above Atlanta. Mine was a sparkling gold with hints of red shooting through the sleeping skyscrapers of downtown OKC.
I'm jealous you're on a plane and I'm still landlocked here.
You're headed for the ocean, and I imagine how excited you must be, the farthest east you've ever been, I think. Despite my sadness that there is still so little between us, it warms my heart to know that we are not longer estranged by a gulf of animosity. You texted me back last night! A tremble of blissful chimes I've been longing to hear since, wow.... February!
Will you ever reach out to me? It is my prayer for your time in Florida. To learn to want me again, and start to show it.
But as for this morning. I drive around to my catering clients and you meander through airport terminals and I just wanted to share this bright, soft moment.
Good morning, Levi.
I love you.
Look at the sunrise, it is smiling for us.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
We shared the sunrise this morning. Yours was a glowing yellow and dusky grey rippling over a sea of clouds above Atlanta. Mine was a sparkling gold with hints of red shooting through the sleeping skyscrapers of downtown OKC.
I'm jealous you're on a plane and I'm still landlocked here.
You're headed for the ocean, and I imagine how excited you must be, the farthest east you've ever been, I think. Despite my sadness that there is still so little between us, it warms my heart to know that we are not longer estranged by a gulf of animosity. You texted me back last night! A tremble of blissful chimes I've been longing to hear since, wow.... February!
Will you ever reach out to me? It is my prayer for your time in Florida. To learn to want me again, and start to show it.
But as for this morning. I drive around to my catering clients and you meander through airport terminals and I just wanted to share this bright, soft moment.
Good morning, Levi.
I love you.
Look at the sunrise, it is smiling for us.
Your star,
Rigel
Your Last Night in California
July 27th, 2015
Dear Levi,
Tonight is your last night to fall asleep in California.
It's funny because I often think about you in Florida in January when I will maybe be there as well, but as of tomorrow, you will truly be there already. Part of that frightens me because California is the one place where you have actually demonstrated any measure of friendship towards me in the past 2.7 years. I saw you, in real life, in San Diego, and we shared a blissfully warm day together... you were my friend that day.
I wish I could go back to that place. I go back often enough in my daydreams. Mostly to feel your hug, to be laughing with you in the back of the car, and to see you so handsome as you graduated.
I miss your letters, Levi. I check my mailbox each day, although I know that I will only find disappointments. I cannot help myself. The six days when I found your letters, one by one, were so happy... like shooting stars, so bright and celestially vivid in my insignificant little sky.
I know I have to keep trusting and hoping. Trusting. Hoping. Waiting patiently. But what if all that happiness is really all over now? What happens tomorrow when you lay your sweet head down in Florida? A place foreign to both of us. Will you think of me? Or not at all?
If only I knew!
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Tonight is your last night to fall asleep in California.
It's funny because I often think about you in Florida in January when I will maybe be there as well, but as of tomorrow, you will truly be there already. Part of that frightens me because California is the one place where you have actually demonstrated any measure of friendship towards me in the past 2.7 years. I saw you, in real life, in San Diego, and we shared a blissfully warm day together... you were my friend that day.
I wish I could go back to that place. I go back often enough in my daydreams. Mostly to feel your hug, to be laughing with you in the back of the car, and to see you so handsome as you graduated.
I miss your letters, Levi. I check my mailbox each day, although I know that I will only find disappointments. I cannot help myself. The six days when I found your letters, one by one, were so happy... like shooting stars, so bright and celestially vivid in my insignificant little sky.
I know I have to keep trusting and hoping. Trusting. Hoping. Waiting patiently. But what if all that happiness is really all over now? What happens tomorrow when you lay your sweet head down in Florida? A place foreign to both of us. Will you think of me? Or not at all?
If only I knew!
Your star,
Rigel
Foolish Little Girls
July 25th, 2015
Dear Levi,
It's been a very long week since you added me on Facebook & Instagram. Finally, you have your phone back. I was so happy!
But I watched you add, follow, like, comment, on all these other girls' lives and I felt that anticipation fade into familiar sadness. Like I told Kate half-laughingly, "Well now I get to feel rejection from a front-row seat!" Because that is what this feels like...
I guess I'm just a foolish girl. Part of me is still so thrilled you added me, part puzzled you don't do more. I guess I'm foolish to hope you want an actual friendship, not just friendship status? Foolish to think you suddenly would care after my life after basically three years of not caring. Foolish to think it was the first step towards bigger steps. Foolish, to think that you'd do anything fast... if you were going to do anything at all Foolish to think of a future with you, when there's just nothing, nothing, besides a very slim facade of healing. And I'm such a foolish girl to still be so in love with you, I can't help being foolish about it all.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
It's been a very long week since you added me on Facebook & Instagram. Finally, you have your phone back. I was so happy!
But I watched you add, follow, like, comment, on all these other girls' lives and I felt that anticipation fade into familiar sadness. Like I told Kate half-laughingly, "Well now I get to feel rejection from a front-row seat!" Because that is what this feels like...
I guess I'm just a foolish girl. Part of me is still so thrilled you added me, part puzzled you don't do more. I guess I'm foolish to hope you want an actual friendship, not just friendship status? Foolish to think you suddenly would care after my life after basically three years of not caring. Foolish to think it was the first step towards bigger steps. Foolish, to think that you'd do anything fast... if you were going to do anything at all Foolish to think of a future with you, when there's just nothing, nothing, besides a very slim facade of healing. And I'm such a foolish girl to still be so in love with you, I can't help being foolish about it all.
Your star,
Rigel
Waking
Dear Levi,
Waking up in the blissful warmth of your virtual friendship. It's an incredible feeling. Wonderful, liberating, and yet frightening. For the first time in a long time, I feel vulnerable. Despite my private account and having deactivated this one for a good while after the breakup, so much of my life is out there for your to see and judge. And everything before the breakup, all the good, the bad, the drama and the crap. It's all still there, too, because I didn't take it down... unlike you.
What is this called? This feeling?
Waking up, sleepy smile. Reaching over for the phone and suddenly adrenaline coursing through every vein, heart on fire. Checking frantically first Facebook, then Instagram. Then relief. Strange, delighted relief. The strange, unfamiliar and wonderful symbols still there - friends, following.
And then rolling back over and laughing till I cry.
Smiling under the warm water in the shower. Cracking myself as I brush my teeth. Smiling as I throw together my purse, grab my old work shoes. Skipping to the car, basking under the glow of the moon and the first birds chirping. Coasting into work, getting out, and laughing out loud in the deserted parking lot, dancing and twirling around in the solitude from sheer thrill.
Then starting my business day all tired and sleepy and smiling, handling stressful moments and then retreating back to that dumb, love-struck blissful smile.
Getting off work, rocking out to my music. Coldplay, One Rebulic, Maroon Five, EchoSmith, Great Big Word, Ed Sheeran, Skylar Grey, Dierks Bentley, Taylor Swift, Ellie Goulding.
Oklahoma sky so big. Horizon so blue. Chores, traffic, tired girl crawling into bed. Checking facebook and email to see how the family is doing... and if you have posted anything, hoping in a tiny timid way you might have commented or liked something I posted.
Curling up on the pillows and pulling out my Bible and smiling even bigger.
You did it, God.
I knew you would, I just didn't think ever. Another miracle? I don't deserve it, surely. But yet He knows. He's always known. And I've just been bumping along in this journey.
I love you, Levi.
Always will.
That's what this smile is called.
Your star,
Rigel
Waking up in the blissful warmth of your virtual friendship. It's an incredible feeling. Wonderful, liberating, and yet frightening. For the first time in a long time, I feel vulnerable. Despite my private account and having deactivated this one for a good while after the breakup, so much of my life is out there for your to see and judge. And everything before the breakup, all the good, the bad, the drama and the crap. It's all still there, too, because I didn't take it down... unlike you.
What is this called? This feeling?
Waking up, sleepy smile. Reaching over for the phone and suddenly adrenaline coursing through every vein, heart on fire. Checking frantically first Facebook, then Instagram. Then relief. Strange, delighted relief. The strange, unfamiliar and wonderful symbols still there - friends, following.
And then rolling back over and laughing till I cry.
Smiling under the warm water in the shower. Cracking myself as I brush my teeth. Smiling as I throw together my purse, grab my old work shoes. Skipping to the car, basking under the glow of the moon and the first birds chirping. Coasting into work, getting out, and laughing out loud in the deserted parking lot, dancing and twirling around in the solitude from sheer thrill.
Then starting my business day all tired and sleepy and smiling, handling stressful moments and then retreating back to that dumb, love-struck blissful smile.
Getting off work, rocking out to my music. Coldplay, One Rebulic, Maroon Five, EchoSmith, Great Big Word, Ed Sheeran, Skylar Grey, Dierks Bentley, Taylor Swift, Ellie Goulding.
Oklahoma sky so big. Horizon so blue. Chores, traffic, tired girl crawling into bed. Checking facebook and email to see how the family is doing... and if you have posted anything, hoping in a tiny timid way you might have commented or liked something I posted.
Curling up on the pillows and pulling out my Bible and smiling even bigger.
You did it, God.
I knew you would, I just didn't think ever. Another miracle? I don't deserve it, surely. But yet He knows. He's always known. And I've just been bumping along in this journey.
I love you, Levi.
Always will.
That's what this smile is called.
Your star,
Rigel
Monday, August 3, 2015
Facebook Friends!!!!
July 20th, 2015
Dear Levi,
Facebook friends. :')
A dream come true, almost too happy for words. A prayer of 2 years and 7 months and 5 days. The trust that you would add me, and then not have your phone for a week, says so much. Thank you.
And you followed me on Instagram. =)
It almost seems more intimate, to see you as one of my "followers."
And you like GiGi's letter.... a tactical choice, but the crux of the matter between us: her death brought our lives back together, her love was proof that we were meant to be together
And you accept my follow request back! =)
Instantly, within a literal 60-second minute. Were you just waiting for me? Silly boy, sweet Levi.
But you didn't say anything. Just opened the doors wide and went back to training. What brought you to that decision, on a long Saturday night? At 11pm, going to my Instagram and liking my photo. At 1am, making the decision to take the step you had never taken before, to change everything.
Why so late at night? Why, me?
I feel so humbled, so small. When I think of you and everything so great and precious and incredible you've done and who you are... and I feel a fool to hope you'd ever want me.
Yet somehow, even in this small way, you told me that you did.
And I am so blissfully drunk on happiness, it's been 36 horus and I'm still staring at the screen shot of your FB request and... it just can't be real!! I woke up all sleepy and warm and saw that on my screen Sunday morning, and it was as if my world tilted on a new axis. I knew it was a landmark moment, a true miracle.
Truly, Levi? Truly? =)
Oh, I had forgotten for so long that happiness like this exists when I just shine and shimmer and glow in the warmth of your sunny smile on me.
Levi
Levi, my best friend forgotten
Levi, my soul mate whom my soul loves
Levi, I have missed you so much.
Every day. Every hour. Every heartbeat.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Facebook friends. :')
A dream come true, almost too happy for words. A prayer of 2 years and 7 months and 5 days. The trust that you would add me, and then not have your phone for a week, says so much. Thank you.
And you followed me on Instagram. =)
It almost seems more intimate, to see you as one of my "followers."
And you like GiGi's letter.... a tactical choice, but the crux of the matter between us: her death brought our lives back together, her love was proof that we were meant to be together
And you accept my follow request back! =)
Instantly, within a literal 60-second minute. Were you just waiting for me? Silly boy, sweet Levi.
But you didn't say anything. Just opened the doors wide and went back to training. What brought you to that decision, on a long Saturday night? At 11pm, going to my Instagram and liking my photo. At 1am, making the decision to take the step you had never taken before, to change everything.
Why so late at night? Why, me?
I feel so humbled, so small. When I think of you and everything so great and precious and incredible you've done and who you are... and I feel a fool to hope you'd ever want me.
Yet somehow, even in this small way, you told me that you did.
And I am so blissfully drunk on happiness, it's been 36 horus and I'm still staring at the screen shot of your FB request and... it just can't be real!! I woke up all sleepy and warm and saw that on my screen Sunday morning, and it was as if my world tilted on a new axis. I knew it was a landmark moment, a true miracle.
Truly, Levi? Truly? =)
Oh, I had forgotten for so long that happiness like this exists when I just shine and shimmer and glow in the warmth of your sunny smile on me.
Levi
Levi, my best friend forgotten
Levi, my soul mate whom my soul loves
Levi, I have missed you so much.
Every day. Every hour. Every heartbeat.
Your star,
Rigel
July 15th, 2015
Dear Levi,
Oklahoma is in its hottest four weeks of summer, middle of July, a whole month since graduation. It's crazy, staring through the hazy heat wave across the horizon that just a few weeks ago our paths were crossing in rainy, blissful California. That just before that, my mailbox was home to your handwritten letters.
In the days that followed June 12th and your warm banter, silence settled between us like an unspoken reminder of the past. You didn't even ask "how are you" or say "hey it meant a lot you came" when I was there in front of you. And as the days crept by and you sashayed up the west coast and caught up with your social circle... the only exile of OKC became excruciatingly real again.
You didn't send me a friend request, like I was half dreaming of. But after almost three years, that dream was knowingly delusional. Rather... you went to your fellow Marine's wedding and blocked me that night, 2am, sending me a blank FB message and then cutting me off like old times.... You dug me out of your followers on Instagram and blocked me there, too, even changing your privacy settings.
The disappointment of the silent days turned to disbelief in this new wave of furious action. That kick in the gut has been veyr, very, very hard to deal with gracefully. Pain, hurt, humiliation and anger and bitterness struggle every day. And somehow I collapse on my bed at night and cry out to God to forgive you, for healing, for me to forgive you, for healing, for you to want me again.... For my Levi, wherever he went all those years ago.
I was just as dumbfounded when you unblocked me a few days later... but not surprised that you still didn't say a words, add me or text me or acknowledge I exist. No, you just wanted a Bible and Cliff bars and someone to show you attention... when you don't. It's blindly painful. It took me forever to get here... realizing as much as Ana was a rebound from me, I was just a rebound from Nikki.
And that's all I was to you, when you were the world to me.
Another blistering hot day. In two weeks, you'll be off to balmy Florida. I know you won't write me, but I still run to my mailbox every day.... just because. If I can get through 10 weeks, I'll be moving to the Southwest USA and forever leaving OKC behind me... all the mistakes and promises and betrayal and loneliness... and then it'll be a jetplane and I'll be in Ukraine. Finally.
Every dy since the warm, this is where I belonged. Far away where you can't pretend to understand. On my own turf. In my beautiful bedroom with white velvet Chester and the chandeliers and the glittering walls and velvety curtains.. home in a different culture, language, and continent. With my turtles and my beautiful buildings. Even if you could pretend to understand, you have no claim here whatsoever.
And that's why I need to go home so badly.
I need to be free of always feeling second-place, your serf, your doormat.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Oklahoma is in its hottest four weeks of summer, middle of July, a whole month since graduation. It's crazy, staring through the hazy heat wave across the horizon that just a few weeks ago our paths were crossing in rainy, blissful California. That just before that, my mailbox was home to your handwritten letters.
In the days that followed June 12th and your warm banter, silence settled between us like an unspoken reminder of the past. You didn't even ask "how are you" or say "hey it meant a lot you came" when I was there in front of you. And as the days crept by and you sashayed up the west coast and caught up with your social circle... the only exile of OKC became excruciatingly real again.
You didn't send me a friend request, like I was half dreaming of. But after almost three years, that dream was knowingly delusional. Rather... you went to your fellow Marine's wedding and blocked me that night, 2am, sending me a blank FB message and then cutting me off like old times.... You dug me out of your followers on Instagram and blocked me there, too, even changing your privacy settings.
The disappointment of the silent days turned to disbelief in this new wave of furious action. That kick in the gut has been veyr, very, very hard to deal with gracefully. Pain, hurt, humiliation and anger and bitterness struggle every day. And somehow I collapse on my bed at night and cry out to God to forgive you, for healing, for me to forgive you, for healing, for you to want me again.... For my Levi, wherever he went all those years ago.
I was just as dumbfounded when you unblocked me a few days later... but not surprised that you still didn't say a words, add me or text me or acknowledge I exist. No, you just wanted a Bible and Cliff bars and someone to show you attention... when you don't. It's blindly painful. It took me forever to get here... realizing as much as Ana was a rebound from me, I was just a rebound from Nikki.
And that's all I was to you, when you were the world to me.
Another blistering hot day. In two weeks, you'll be off to balmy Florida. I know you won't write me, but I still run to my mailbox every day.... just because. If I can get through 10 weeks, I'll be moving to the Southwest USA and forever leaving OKC behind me... all the mistakes and promises and betrayal and loneliness... and then it'll be a jetplane and I'll be in Ukraine. Finally.
Every dy since the warm, this is where I belonged. Far away where you can't pretend to understand. On my own turf. In my beautiful bedroom with white velvet Chester and the chandeliers and the glittering walls and velvety curtains.. home in a different culture, language, and continent. With my turtles and my beautiful buildings. Even if you could pretend to understand, you have no claim here whatsoever.
And that's why I need to go home so badly.
I need to be free of always feeling second-place, your serf, your doormat.
Your star,
Rigel
The Way Jacob Loved Bella
July 6th, 2015
Dear Levi,
It's July 6th. Just a day. A Monday night, under the soft twinkle of fairy lights along my ceiling twilight Indie soundtrack in the background. I feel this aching longing to know Whatever drew you to me? What started those letters in bootcamp? What can I do again, to have a little piece of you again? Oh but the little piece! What caused it? I think I'm doing the smart thing now by not writing you at MCT... but how do I know? Technically, bootcamp started with my copying down a letter from my Mom for you. Me... writing you. Just like you asked that night on South Grande Boulevard. But this time.. you write back. Was it enough? It doesn't feel like it.
You blocked me. Removed me from Instagram Unblocked me. Changed your privacy settings. Those aren't good things. I just sit here tonight... so confused, empty... oh so tired. I can't tell what way is up. Writing, flying out to Yakima or San Diego... or nothing, just sitting here tonight... no matter what I try, this is where I end up. Never enough for you.
I want a love like Jacob's for Bella. Warm, deep, precious, fervent. I long and ache for it so deeply it feels as if I'm not even real... just a shall, a dream or a phantom. The happy girl cuddling in the arms of a strong, warm soul that you were? That's not me... that's just my dream of me.
Just a dream.
Dreaming on an empty, hot and dark summer light, but truly alone.
How long?
I perish for a drop of water.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
It's July 6th. Just a day. A Monday night, under the soft twinkle of fairy lights along my ceiling twilight Indie soundtrack in the background. I feel this aching longing to know Whatever drew you to me? What started those letters in bootcamp? What can I do again, to have a little piece of you again? Oh but the little piece! What caused it? I think I'm doing the smart thing now by not writing you at MCT... but how do I know? Technically, bootcamp started with my copying down a letter from my Mom for you. Me... writing you. Just like you asked that night on South Grande Boulevard. But this time.. you write back. Was it enough? It doesn't feel like it.
You blocked me. Removed me from Instagram Unblocked me. Changed your privacy settings. Those aren't good things. I just sit here tonight... so confused, empty... oh so tired. I can't tell what way is up. Writing, flying out to Yakima or San Diego... or nothing, just sitting here tonight... no matter what I try, this is where I end up. Never enough for you.
I want a love like Jacob's for Bella. Warm, deep, precious, fervent. I long and ache for it so deeply it feels as if I'm not even real... just a shall, a dream or a phantom. The happy girl cuddling in the arms of a strong, warm soul that you were? That's not me... that's just my dream of me.
Just a dream.
Dreaming on an empty, hot and dark summer light, but truly alone.
How long?
I perish for a drop of water.
Your star,
Rigel
Waiting No Longer
July 1st, 2015
Dear Levi,
Some things you just know, the moment it happens.
I knew the moment I fell in love. Nichols Hills, by the fir trees, under the twinkling stars and twinkling sunset, being twirled around in your arms, laughing, crying, clinging to you, you pressing me to your heart and me drinking in your scent. I knew I loved you the moment we met. But the falling in love, the let go, cliff-jumping, free-falling, once in a lifetime feeling? Happened that night.
And the day I stopped waiting for that Facebook request to be friends. The day I simply gave up. Broken. Drained. Empty. Burned out. Crushed and disillusioned. Empty... and hungry..... aching, but not on void, on a fullness I'd never sensed before: the limit of my efforts.
Sitting in the living room in the cottage on Warren Avenue, the fan blowing because we didn't have AC, sunset streaming through the window and Christmas lights in July twinkling along the ceiling, I just knew.
Tonight.
And this is how it dies, with thunderous applause.... and with silence.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Some things you just know, the moment it happens.
I knew the moment I fell in love. Nichols Hills, by the fir trees, under the twinkling stars and twinkling sunset, being twirled around in your arms, laughing, crying, clinging to you, you pressing me to your heart and me drinking in your scent. I knew I loved you the moment we met. But the falling in love, the let go, cliff-jumping, free-falling, once in a lifetime feeling? Happened that night.
And the day I stopped waiting for that Facebook request to be friends. The day I simply gave up. Broken. Drained. Empty. Burned out. Crushed and disillusioned. Empty... and hungry..... aching, but not on void, on a fullness I'd never sensed before: the limit of my efforts.
Sitting in the living room in the cottage on Warren Avenue, the fan blowing because we didn't have AC, sunset streaming through the window and Christmas lights in July twinkling along the ceiling, I just knew.
Tonight.
And this is how it dies, with thunderous applause.... and with silence.
Your star,
Rigel
June Night Sky
June 25th, 2015
Dear Levi,
Starlight. Rigel and Jupiter making love in the night sky. Twilight of teal and dusky blue turning to darkness of night. Infinite quiet bliss in the balm of summer. Firefly fascination, infatuation of the glowing, floating wishes under the tall, dark mulberry eaves... The rustling leaves, cooing crickets, staccato of insects in the quiet darkness, a moment of breeze carrying the sound of long grasses and wildflowers and drooping hyacinth bushes, sweet fragrance of summer June nights. Moonlight, silver and mysterious, touching the skyline of rooftops and maple leaves with a subtle, perfect glow.
Oh, Levi. I sit here on my car and drink it in. I'm living my life, but not for a minute does the ache go away, remembering the boy who would have once sat with me here and lived it with me.
I miss you so much tonight it hurts, oh so much. Oh so much. The waiting, it hurts. The unknown.
Will I ever know?
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Starlight. Rigel and Jupiter making love in the night sky. Twilight of teal and dusky blue turning to darkness of night. Infinite quiet bliss in the balm of summer. Firefly fascination, infatuation of the glowing, floating wishes under the tall, dark mulberry eaves... The rustling leaves, cooing crickets, staccato of insects in the quiet darkness, a moment of breeze carrying the sound of long grasses and wildflowers and drooping hyacinth bushes, sweet fragrance of summer June nights. Moonlight, silver and mysterious, touching the skyline of rooftops and maple leaves with a subtle, perfect glow.
Oh, Levi. I sit here on my car and drink it in. I'm living my life, but not for a minute does the ache go away, remembering the boy who would have once sat with me here and lived it with me.
I miss you so much tonight it hurts, oh so much. Oh so much. The waiting, it hurts. The unknown.
Will I ever know?
Your star,
Rigel
Enchanting Moment on Lake Hefner
June 22nd, 2015
Dear Levi,
The most enchanting moment... it stopped me in my tracks, wide eyed, soul lifting to the pastel blue skies somewhere above the swaying tree branches. the trail, lined with lush green lawn and stretches of golden wild flowers, curved around to a view of the lake.
Hefner was glittering, waves rippling in shattering diamonds under the setting sun, rushing to open water. The river was flowing silently, and just as silently, the magic danced down through the trees in the sun rays. Visible, barely, so light and translucent and delicate that if you didn't take time to notice you'd never see the cottonwood cascading down in the breeze.
Like a myriad of angels fluttering down to the green earth, then floating softly near the water, above the grass, through the trees. It was more than magical, it was perfect.
Like the fireflies on Saturday night when I was battling the choice to stay alive or go, after you blocked me on Facebook and Instagram out of the blue, so unexpected, so hurtful after California~ it was God, showing me something so enchanting no one else might even have seen this evening. Just me, still as a fawn on the trail breathing in the scent of woods, water, wildflowers and cottonwood.
I wish you were here to share this moment, Levi. Walk this path with me, splash through the water ont he pier, have a picnic under the trees in the sunset glow. You're not here.. yet you are, in my heart. I carry your memory with me, the boy who unfathomably adored me and pinky-promised he'd marry me; and loved me... and loved me. I don't know where he went, but I'll never forget him.
I promised him forever, and I meant it.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
The most enchanting moment... it stopped me in my tracks, wide eyed, soul lifting to the pastel blue skies somewhere above the swaying tree branches. the trail, lined with lush green lawn and stretches of golden wild flowers, curved around to a view of the lake.
Hefner was glittering, waves rippling in shattering diamonds under the setting sun, rushing to open water. The river was flowing silently, and just as silently, the magic danced down through the trees in the sun rays. Visible, barely, so light and translucent and delicate that if you didn't take time to notice you'd never see the cottonwood cascading down in the breeze.
Like a myriad of angels fluttering down to the green earth, then floating softly near the water, above the grass, through the trees. It was more than magical, it was perfect.
Like the fireflies on Saturday night when I was battling the choice to stay alive or go, after you blocked me on Facebook and Instagram out of the blue, so unexpected, so hurtful after California~ it was God, showing me something so enchanting no one else might even have seen this evening. Just me, still as a fawn on the trail breathing in the scent of woods, water, wildflowers and cottonwood.
I wish you were here to share this moment, Levi. Walk this path with me, splash through the water ont he pier, have a picnic under the trees in the sunset glow. You're not here.. yet you are, in my heart. I carry your memory with me, the boy who unfathomably adored me and pinky-promised he'd marry me; and loved me... and loved me. I don't know where he went, but I'll never forget him.
I promised him forever, and I meant it.
Your star,
Rigel
Drive to Camarillo
June 12th, 2015
Dear Levi,
On a winding coastal highway from San Diego to Camarillo, past Coronado, Los Angeles, Santa Monica, I leaned my head into the sunlight streaming through the passenger window of my little brother's car. He fussed about the traffic, looking so sharp in his USMC Charlies. I took int eh rolling ocean waves, verdant palm trees, and modern SoCal architecture along the road. Traffic was bad, but I'd learned to become indifferent to it after managing OKC's busiest catering branch of Panera Bread, Inc. We would get there eventualy, and I wasn't exactly in a hurry. This road trip was blissful. I'd dreamt of it since Kendon was stationed in California more than six months ago. And here we were, at last.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
On a winding coastal highway from San Diego to Camarillo, past Coronado, Los Angeles, Santa Monica, I leaned my head into the sunlight streaming through the passenger window of my little brother's car. He fussed about the traffic, looking so sharp in his USMC Charlies. I took int eh rolling ocean waves, verdant palm trees, and modern SoCal architecture along the road. Traffic was bad, but I'd learned to become indifferent to it after managing OKC's busiest catering branch of Panera Bread, Inc. We would get there eventualy, and I wasn't exactly in a hurry. This road trip was blissful. I'd dreamt of it since Kendon was stationed in California more than six months ago. And here we were, at last.
Your star,
Rigel
Family Day in Snapshot Memories
June 11th, 2015
Dear Levi,
Family Day, MCRD San Diego, California. The sun setting slow and sweetly. Hot dog smoke. Palm trees. Taylor Swift on the boom boxes. My Levi. Levi in green athletic shorts, his leg so bruised, his face so angry and controlled. Levi in sharp tan uniform, his face happy and childish and yet older somehow, so close and tangible I could literally reach out my fingers and touch him if I could dare to. I just never want to forget that time with you. Never. You don't have to love me. I just love being near you. You're like my sun. My soul blossoms to the warmth.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Family Day, MCRD San Diego, California. The sun setting slow and sweetly. Hot dog smoke. Palm trees. Taylor Swift on the boom boxes. My Levi. Levi in green athletic shorts, his leg so bruised, his face so angry and controlled. Levi in sharp tan uniform, his face happy and childish and yet older somehow, so close and tangible I could literally reach out my fingers and touch him if I could dare to. I just never want to forget that time with you. Never. You don't have to love me. I just love being near you. You're like my sun. My soul blossoms to the warmth.
Your star,
Rigel
Six Letters in my Lap
Dear Levi,
Of the carefully selected luggage I am bringing with me to California, there are six white and perfect letters in my lap on this jetplane. I read them over and over again, and then read a few favorite letters from Gigi. They are equally precious to me, yours and hers. And I can't describe the way they make me feel. The wonder... the awe.. that I would ever have a letter from you again. It may be I will never have another letter but these six you sent me during bootcamp. But these six represent the biggest miracle of my life.
And I just wanted to let you know.
Your star,
Rigel
Of the carefully selected luggage I am bringing with me to California, there are six white and perfect letters in my lap on this jetplane. I read them over and over again, and then read a few favorite letters from Gigi. They are equally precious to me, yours and hers. And I can't describe the way they make me feel. The wonder... the awe.. that I would ever have a letter from you again. It may be I will never have another letter but these six you sent me during bootcamp. But these six represent the biggest miracle of my life.
And I just wanted to let you know.
Your star,
Rigel
So Proud of My Marine
Dear Levi,
Just a small note to say what my heart is feeling, bursting inside with pride. I'm so proud of you, making it through bootcamp. I know I'll see you tomorrow and I'm petrified. I can only hope, excitement will catch up. But right now, I'm just proud of you. You did it, Levi.
Your star,
Rigel
Just a small note to say what my heart is feeling, bursting inside with pride. I'm so proud of you, making it through bootcamp. I know I'll see you tomorrow and I'm petrified. I can only hope, excitement will catch up. But right now, I'm just proud of you. You did it, Levi.
Your star,
Rigel
On the Way to San Diego
June 10th, 2015
Dear Levi,
Somewhere in the skies between Houston, Texas and San Diego, California.
"Another airplane, another sunny place. I'm lucky, I know. But I want to go home... I miss you, you know." - song in my head aboard this flight from Houston to San Diego.
I always find my soul missing you just wanting to talk to you. I'm not even sure if it would ever even be like this or if I've merely adapted to this fantasy of altered reality The substitute isn't so bad, in its own way. Less drama than real life.
While I was sitting along in the Houston terminal, listening to a live concerto by the brass band int he breezeway, Davina was posting about their arrival in San Diego, free to tag you in teh post, free to flourish in her love and freedom in your life. It hurts. It huts that I can't post because I'm afraid she doesn't want us together after how she acted and what she said to me on my funeral trip. And the letter years ago accusing me of stalking you. It's not fair, because not only do I have to overcome my own demons from your betrayal & abandonment; not only do I have to overcome your own slow progress to being friends again, let alone lovers; now I must also overcome the ploys of a very influential woman in your life, who has made it clear she doesn't want to be a part of mine and wants me to no longer care for you at all.
I don't know what to do. I'm so little. So little and helpless. They are relaxing in a nice hotel knowing they can freely see you tomorrow and take you home with them and have your undivided affection and I.... I'm trying not to cry on a plane all alone, wondering how such a small girl found herself battling an overwhelming world of obstacles.
I guess I just want to tell you how I feel right now.
There is a flight attendant, a guy, on this flight, so funny and calming, and a couple of hipster guys, and some business tie guys. And part of me wonders wearily whether it wouldn't just be simpler to embrace a new life with someone new. Right before Gigi died I was there, at that bridge, to say goodbye to you forever.
Until God and fate intervened. And after the baby blip my journey across the country to Yakima seemed to make in your world, I wanted to find that distance again. Hurt, rebuffed... but sad not surprised. Until my flight dates to vacation in California had to be changed. When I'd deliberately bought them two weeks bfore your graduation so I could force myself to to be there. Until God and fate intervened... again, it would seem.
Yet despite the evident hand of God, I feel inadequate to explain all this to Davina, to you, to defend why I'm going to be paying for a hotel on Coronado Island, another rental car; as soon as I land, why I will lather my skin in a souffle mask, apply teeth strips, and be up at the crack of dawn styling and beautifying my frustratingly dull self... rather than sleeping in, hitting the beach, dreaming safely of days long gone.
I hope, someday, all this will mater to you.
Or to someone.
I'm at the point where I just need to matter to someone.
The way you still matter to me.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Somewhere in the skies between Houston, Texas and San Diego, California.
"Another airplane, another sunny place. I'm lucky, I know. But I want to go home... I miss you, you know." - song in my head aboard this flight from Houston to San Diego.
I always find my soul missing you just wanting to talk to you. I'm not even sure if it would ever even be like this or if I've merely adapted to this fantasy of altered reality The substitute isn't so bad, in its own way. Less drama than real life.
While I was sitting along in the Houston terminal, listening to a live concerto by the brass band int he breezeway, Davina was posting about their arrival in San Diego, free to tag you in teh post, free to flourish in her love and freedom in your life. It hurts. It huts that I can't post because I'm afraid she doesn't want us together after how she acted and what she said to me on my funeral trip. And the letter years ago accusing me of stalking you. It's not fair, because not only do I have to overcome my own demons from your betrayal & abandonment; not only do I have to overcome your own slow progress to being friends again, let alone lovers; now I must also overcome the ploys of a very influential woman in your life, who has made it clear she doesn't want to be a part of mine and wants me to no longer care for you at all.
I don't know what to do. I'm so little. So little and helpless. They are relaxing in a nice hotel knowing they can freely see you tomorrow and take you home with them and have your undivided affection and I.... I'm trying not to cry on a plane all alone, wondering how such a small girl found herself battling an overwhelming world of obstacles.
I guess I just want to tell you how I feel right now.
There is a flight attendant, a guy, on this flight, so funny and calming, and a couple of hipster guys, and some business tie guys. And part of me wonders wearily whether it wouldn't just be simpler to embrace a new life with someone new. Right before Gigi died I was there, at that bridge, to say goodbye to you forever.
Until God and fate intervened. And after the baby blip my journey across the country to Yakima seemed to make in your world, I wanted to find that distance again. Hurt, rebuffed... but sad not surprised. Until my flight dates to vacation in California had to be changed. When I'd deliberately bought them two weeks bfore your graduation so I could force myself to to be there. Until God and fate intervened... again, it would seem.
Yet despite the evident hand of God, I feel inadequate to explain all this to Davina, to you, to defend why I'm going to be paying for a hotel on Coronado Island, another rental car; as soon as I land, why I will lather my skin in a souffle mask, apply teeth strips, and be up at the crack of dawn styling and beautifying my frustratingly dull self... rather than sleeping in, hitting the beach, dreaming safely of days long gone.
I hope, someday, all this will mater to you.
Or to someone.
I'm at the point where I just need to matter to someone.
The way you still matter to me.
Your star,
Rigel
Bailey's Graduation
May 17th, 2015
Dear Levi,
It didn't really hit me how deeply the pain would cut. The pain of saying goodbye, the pain of not being in my own graduation class picture, the pain of not having anyone there to cheer for me the pain of realizing you were there with Ana having a damn great time. I wonder if you even realized I wasn't there at all, through the crowds. It didn't hit me that it would hurt this much.
And that in the wake of the pain would be so much.. emptiness. Hearing their cheering downstairs, knowing I'll drive home to my own quiet and lonesome cottage. The only upside is that someday I'll have another graduation, another chance to have this moment. Not in the same way. But still.
And part of me wonders.... will you be there? Or if I'll even want you to be. Because right now all I can think of is how damn glad I am that you are not here. For the first time in so long, the pain makes me want to not see your face anywhere near. I'm glad you're off in the exile of bootcamp. I hope it changes you. After so many wrongs that I try to forget in sweet Noelle forgiveness, tonight the cold hard truth hits the angry, wounded tiger Noelle.
Your sure need to change
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
It didn't really hit me how deeply the pain would cut. The pain of saying goodbye, the pain of not being in my own graduation class picture, the pain of not having anyone there to cheer for me the pain of realizing you were there with Ana having a damn great time. I wonder if you even realized I wasn't there at all, through the crowds. It didn't hit me that it would hurt this much.
And that in the wake of the pain would be so much.. emptiness. Hearing their cheering downstairs, knowing I'll drive home to my own quiet and lonesome cottage. The only upside is that someday I'll have another graduation, another chance to have this moment. Not in the same way. But still.
And part of me wonders.... will you be there? Or if I'll even want you to be. Because right now all I can think of is how damn glad I am that you are not here. For the first time in so long, the pain makes me want to not see your face anywhere near. I'm glad you're off in the exile of bootcamp. I hope it changes you. After so many wrongs that I try to forget in sweet Noelle forgiveness, tonight the cold hard truth hits the angry, wounded tiger Noelle.
Your sure need to change
Your star,
Rigel
From Behind the Glass Wall
February 21st, 2015
Dear Levi,
I just want to talk to you. Really talk. Open up. Ask what went wrong. Ask how you are doing. Ask you if you ever think about me, every think about me in all that I have been going through. Tell you all the scary things, the sad things, the happy things and the big things. Just talk.
To breathe... Because tonight I feel like I am suffocating. because I could hit the call button, or the text button, or the message button, or the add friend button. But I can't. Because of all the signals you send, everything you said to me is about you not wanting me. And not even wanting to talk to me. Wanting that wall. And I feel like I can't breathe. Like I just need to scream, to feel anything except this cold panic in my chest.
Anyone out there, to listen? But there is no one. No one will listen, because there is nothing new to say. And no one to tell me it's okay, because it will never be okay. You will never truly care about me again... enough.
And that's it. There's just nothing tonight. And that nothingness is killing me.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
I just want to talk to you. Really talk. Open up. Ask what went wrong. Ask how you are doing. Ask you if you ever think about me, every think about me in all that I have been going through. Tell you all the scary things, the sad things, the happy things and the big things. Just talk.
To breathe... Because tonight I feel like I am suffocating. because I could hit the call button, or the text button, or the message button, or the add friend button. But I can't. Because of all the signals you send, everything you said to me is about you not wanting me. And not even wanting to talk to me. Wanting that wall. And I feel like I can't breathe. Like I just need to scream, to feel anything except this cold panic in my chest.
Anyone out there, to listen? But there is no one. No one will listen, because there is nothing new to say. And no one to tell me it's okay, because it will never be okay. You will never truly care about me again... enough.
And that's it. There's just nothing tonight. And that nothingness is killing me.
Your star,
Rigel
Not a Ghost Anymore
February 6th 2015
Dear Levi,
Another airplane, another note.
But this time, you're not a ghost on the other side of an impossible glass way.. This time.... you spoke to me today. To me, to Noelle. I have the texts on this phone. All I can say as I flying into Denver coming from Seattle is that my heart is overwhelmed. There almost aren't words.
Thank you....
Your star,
Rigel
GiGi's funeral
January 2015
Dear Levi,
Two years since you left me. Since that awful night. And now, something just as awful has happened. GiGi passed away. Too soon. I wasn't ready. I can't even comprehend it yet. Just, gone.
And before I was ready, either, I was selling my TV and appliances to travel through blizzards across the continent to Seattle, to drive to Yakima, to go to a place I've never been but always dreamed of, right into your presence.
That trip and all the weeks around it are too private, too precious and too fragile and too painful to put up on this blog. If you ever want to know what went through my head, you'll have to ask me for the leather journal. Or sit on my bed and hold me in your arms, or hold my hand walking through a secluded park.
But GiGi is gone.
Why? It is breaking my heart.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Two years since you left me. Since that awful night. And now, something just as awful has happened. GiGi passed away. Too soon. I wasn't ready. I can't even comprehend it yet. Just, gone.
And before I was ready, either, I was selling my TV and appliances to travel through blizzards across the continent to Seattle, to drive to Yakima, to go to a place I've never been but always dreamed of, right into your presence.
That trip and all the weeks around it are too private, too precious and too fragile and too painful to put up on this blog. If you ever want to know what went through my head, you'll have to ask me for the leather journal. Or sit on my bed and hold me in your arms, or hold my hand walking through a secluded park.
But GiGi is gone.
Why? It is breaking my heart.
Your star,
Rigel
Seattle on Christmas Holiday
Dear Levi,
December 21st, 2014
Dear Levi,
Sitting in the airport, again. I've been so lucky to be blessed with the freedom and opportunity to travel. I don't take it for granted. I wish I didn't have to travel alone. Seeing the world is amazing, but it pales next to sharing that adventure with your soul mate. Having you here would make this journey so infinitely better. Of course, cute customized designer luggage would help as well. Guess I'm on the wait for both of those.
Do you know where I am?
Seattle.
Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. Your place. I claim Will Rogers as mine by necessity, but Kyiv Boryspol by right. This is yours, however, and I've never been here before. It's heartbreaking and amazing all at once. I had the Starkeys drop me off hours early so I could wander these marble halls and chase a glimpse of your ghost.
It's so easy, to close my eyes and see you here. With your beanie hat, your backpack, your jeans touching those worn canvas shoes. Your ear bud cord trailing to your beloved android in your pocket. A happy, boyish smile on your face and your warm, caramel eyes shining. I can see you interact with the people I pass. The little girl in the tutu and uggs. The elderly man looking at the concourse map. It's emptier in reality, but I'm just so grateful I shared enough time with you I can actually daydream about you.
Even though it will never seem enough, the time you gave me was a precious gift... thank you.
Present day, I'm leaving from a quiet holiday in Mt. Vernon to return to my personal exile in OKC. I haven't figured anything out in the two years since you've left. I don't know where to go until I figure it out.
Present day, you sat with Ana at the Lord's Supper. You sat on the steps that last night on the loop gazing into her face. You hit on Pearl's new profile picture. And you updated a delayed entry into the United States Marine Corps as of December 8th, then deleted it from public view... the most shocking, didn't-see-it-coming curve ball ever. You hurt me intentionally, time and time again. And now you're moving as far away as possible, and I'll never know if you are even in the country or on the globe.
So I curled up and cried myself to sleep in the Starkey's parlor by the Christmas tree, and prayed to God about how confused I still feel sometimes, how helpless. Couldn't you just give me a sign if there is any, any point of holding on?? I feel like I'm holding on to thin air... maybe something even more elusive than that.
I wiped the tears away, and saw my second cousin had added me on Facebook, Jordan Cook. Curious, I pulled up his page to take a glance and froze. There, through the confused and hot tears leaking through my eyes, his newest post for the world to see: in a relationship with Kayla FOWLER. Just like that.
I know God answers when we seek Him. But I've made so many mistakes... and some of them quite recently. Why would God ever give me the desire of my heart?
It doesn't make sense.
Taking this way out of proportion, girl, I told myself. I closed my Facebook and cried afresh. God, please give me help, give me direction. I miss Levi. I love him, even through all the hurt.
Your star,
Rigel
December 21st, 2014
Dear Levi,
Sitting in the airport, again. I've been so lucky to be blessed with the freedom and opportunity to travel. I don't take it for granted. I wish I didn't have to travel alone. Seeing the world is amazing, but it pales next to sharing that adventure with your soul mate. Having you here would make this journey so infinitely better. Of course, cute customized designer luggage would help as well. Guess I'm on the wait for both of those.
Do you know where I am?
Seattle.
Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. Your place. I claim Will Rogers as mine by necessity, but Kyiv Boryspol by right. This is yours, however, and I've never been here before. It's heartbreaking and amazing all at once. I had the Starkeys drop me off hours early so I could wander these marble halls and chase a glimpse of your ghost.
It's so easy, to close my eyes and see you here. With your beanie hat, your backpack, your jeans touching those worn canvas shoes. Your ear bud cord trailing to your beloved android in your pocket. A happy, boyish smile on your face and your warm, caramel eyes shining. I can see you interact with the people I pass. The little girl in the tutu and uggs. The elderly man looking at the concourse map. It's emptier in reality, but I'm just so grateful I shared enough time with you I can actually daydream about you.
Even though it will never seem enough, the time you gave me was a precious gift... thank you.
Present day, I'm leaving from a quiet holiday in Mt. Vernon to return to my personal exile in OKC. I haven't figured anything out in the two years since you've left. I don't know where to go until I figure it out.
Present day, you sat with Ana at the Lord's Supper. You sat on the steps that last night on the loop gazing into her face. You hit on Pearl's new profile picture. And you updated a delayed entry into the United States Marine Corps as of December 8th, then deleted it from public view... the most shocking, didn't-see-it-coming curve ball ever. You hurt me intentionally, time and time again. And now you're moving as far away as possible, and I'll never know if you are even in the country or on the globe.
So I curled up and cried myself to sleep in the Starkey's parlor by the Christmas tree, and prayed to God about how confused I still feel sometimes, how helpless. Couldn't you just give me a sign if there is any, any point of holding on?? I feel like I'm holding on to thin air... maybe something even more elusive than that.
I wiped the tears away, and saw my second cousin had added me on Facebook, Jordan Cook. Curious, I pulled up his page to take a glance and froze. There, through the confused and hot tears leaking through my eyes, his newest post for the world to see: in a relationship with Kayla FOWLER. Just like that.
I know God answers when we seek Him. But I've made so many mistakes... and some of them quite recently. Why would God ever give me the desire of my heart?
It doesn't make sense.
Taking this way out of proportion, girl, I told myself. I closed my Facebook and cried afresh. God, please give me help, give me direction. I miss Levi. I love him, even through all the hurt.
Your star,
Rigel
On the Way to Welcome Vivian
Dear Levi,
October 18th, 2014
Flying from Charlotte to Pittsburgh, I just wanted to jot a note. Bubbling lava sunrise under a sea of perfectly white clouds. Golden rays on my face through the Pexiglass window. Exit rows. Protein smoothie. Coffee. Pen and paper. My stomach feeling the rush of takeoff my head the pound of landing. Guess handbag. Kate Spade day planner. Indie lace tunic bohemian jeweled necklace, buckle boots. And all I can feel is the longing for my soul mate. We aren't together now, and we never will be perhaps. This is is just part of who I am.
Come back, Levi.
Your star,
Rigel
October 18th, 2014
Flying from Charlotte to Pittsburgh, I just wanted to jot a note. Bubbling lava sunrise under a sea of perfectly white clouds. Golden rays on my face through the Pexiglass window. Exit rows. Protein smoothie. Coffee. Pen and paper. My stomach feeling the rush of takeoff my head the pound of landing. Guess handbag. Kate Spade day planner. Indie lace tunic bohemian jeweled necklace, buckle boots. And all I can feel is the longing for my soul mate. We aren't together now, and we never will be perhaps. This is is just part of who I am.
Come back, Levi.
Your star,
Rigel
The end of Oklahoma
Dear Levi,
I can't believe it's been so long since I posted here. I think about our blog from time to time. I kept writing letters to you on my phone or in the leather journal in my desk, but after Tim I didn't come back here.
Tim. It's funny, rereading the old posts. I'd forgotten how deep and dark and angry I had been. When Tim left, and Kendon left, and everyone had left, I eventually found myself this empty yet happy-go-lucky girl living in a surreal world. Boys continued to come and go, but not like Tim. Not like you. Thirteen of them, actually, by now. But I didn't let anyone in again. A smile, a toss of blonde curls, and a polite and gentle rebuff. I'll be friends with you, and laugh and tease, but I'll never feel anything again. Somehow, my heart made that call one night while I slept, and when I woke up, I was a girl whose heart no longer felt anything. Not pain, not sorrow, not love, not joy. Just a warm, blithe emptiness. Safer, maybe, even. In this lull, I was able to forget so much of the pain. Even now, looking back, it's all a blur of a strange dreamland.
Tim went the way of all the guys, in case you were wondering. I realized at amazing as parts of him could be, the girl I was with him was still not the girl I had found when I was with you. And as many things as I could find to admire or be inspired by, they never inspired me the way you did. And I could never believe in them the way I believe in you. So one by one, thirteen times now, I have let them try to figure out Noelle's heart and barely even noticed when they stopped trying.
Yesterday was quite a monumental day for me. But I thought I would try to blog again, to just... release the letters into an online void where maybe someday, they would find a resting place.
So here's to a few snippets I've written this year. And then we'll see where this all goes.
The one thing I know today: you do not love me. And I will never be able to stop loving you. And it is all pointless.
Your star,
Rigel
I can't believe it's been so long since I posted here. I think about our blog from time to time. I kept writing letters to you on my phone or in the leather journal in my desk, but after Tim I didn't come back here.
Tim. It's funny, rereading the old posts. I'd forgotten how deep and dark and angry I had been. When Tim left, and Kendon left, and everyone had left, I eventually found myself this empty yet happy-go-lucky girl living in a surreal world. Boys continued to come and go, but not like Tim. Not like you. Thirteen of them, actually, by now. But I didn't let anyone in again. A smile, a toss of blonde curls, and a polite and gentle rebuff. I'll be friends with you, and laugh and tease, but I'll never feel anything again. Somehow, my heart made that call one night while I slept, and when I woke up, I was a girl whose heart no longer felt anything. Not pain, not sorrow, not love, not joy. Just a warm, blithe emptiness. Safer, maybe, even. In this lull, I was able to forget so much of the pain. Even now, looking back, it's all a blur of a strange dreamland.
Tim went the way of all the guys, in case you were wondering. I realized at amazing as parts of him could be, the girl I was with him was still not the girl I had found when I was with you. And as many things as I could find to admire or be inspired by, they never inspired me the way you did. And I could never believe in them the way I believe in you. So one by one, thirteen times now, I have let them try to figure out Noelle's heart and barely even noticed when they stopped trying.
Yesterday was quite a monumental day for me. But I thought I would try to blog again, to just... release the letters into an online void where maybe someday, they would find a resting place.
So here's to a few snippets I've written this year. And then we'll see where this all goes.
The one thing I know today: you do not love me. And I will never be able to stop loving you. And it is all pointless.
Your star,
Rigel
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)