Monday, March 31, 2014
Come back
Levi, you're gone.... and he's gone... and there's nothing. And there's nothing I want, except you. And I'll be okay, I guess. If a big, empty, aching void of existence is really something to count. But I want you... I want you to come back. I miss you. I don't care about you leaving me, or even Anna... I care about you choosing to never come back. Never? As in... ever? Forever, this? No... please, don't. Don't do this to me. Remember your little Noelle? Do you remember our letters? Our snuggles? Our dreams and tears? Do you ever remember... ever at all?
Monday, February 3, 2014
Crossing Lines
Dear Levi,
1.27.14
I look back on Monday as the day some lines for me were crossed. I didn't realize it as they were happening. This was one of the best days, but it also would be that day that would cause me the most pain. Because to my foolish, stupid self it would seem like a promise of so much more than what I'm going to end up with, and maybe I let my heart dream a little bit. As wonderful as it was, it left a dark and bitter sting in my heart. Because there is nothing for me. And the sweetness of Tim's friendship, like yours, is just an illusion.
Monday - he woke me up, but I was sick. So sick. In so much pain. He urged me to call in and go to sleep. I tried. But I was too sick. Off to the doctor. I texted him after classes, with an udpate. I knew I was falling to peices, and I wanted to be real. I wanted to ask him the questions on my mind, whether it frustrated him or not. "Tim, how do you face the end of your life? I'm oh so scared." How do you choose the time? To just give up that there will be any hope left? I'm so scared but.... somewhere along the way, I made my decision. To die. I don't know when it happened, but it did. He tried to encourage me with scripture. Said he forgot an assignment for classes. I told him I would try to help him.
He texted me to tell me I was beautiful. It didn't even matter anymore. The sadness ran too deep now. I decided to try to bolster his self-esteem and remind him that he is awesome to me. We ended up teasing each other... easy, almost happy conversation. He teased me about fitting the trashcan. I had thoguht he hadn't been listening the other night when he was with Alex. Maybe he went back and read up on things. He gave me permission to tease him back, but I reminded him first he had to share something embarressing. He promised he would think of something, and then sent me his syllabus. I had to laugh at the handwriting. It was so bad I couldn't make anythiing out... but I didn't have the heart to tell him.
He went to work and I went to sleep, then texted me on his lunch. There was somethign really special about seeing him text me, think about me, give his time towards me. I knew it wouldn't last, and maybe that's what was so precious about it. I was restless. I missed him. It wasn't logical, but it was true. And he said he missed me back. I stared at that message for a long time. Why? Why would he miss me? I wanted to come see him at work, I could picture myself slipping into Walmart and trying to figure out the pharmacy, trying to imagine what that would be like to just say "Hey, I miss you." Would he be happy? Or annoyed? Would he care at all.
I went ahead and took a risk and told him I almost dropped by, but he must have thought meant that I had wanted to drop by campus and proceeded to lecture me that he had to do things and didn't have time to spend with me. That stung.... I was so glad that I hadn't left the apartment. I let the tears softly trickle down my cheek and sat in the darkness with the knife between my fingertips and tried to think things through, but it was so hard to think through. I just wanted to see him, to see his smile, so I could try to remember what it looked like when Levi smiled at me. To pretend it could happen again someday. To make the pain a little bit easier. But he didn't have time to me. And neither would Levi.
I left my words fall cold and empty. No I'm coming to campus.
I Want to see you too, he told me. It wiped away the tears. I'd never said I wanted to see him. What was he thinking? I ran the blade along my trembling lip and tried to be strong enough to push it into the soft skin but I couldn't. I was so, so broken.
He seemed hurt when I pushed him away and told him to go study. But I couldn't help it. He didn't want me. And I had so much more going on in my head. He texted me. I asked if he was mad. I was always afraid of that. Tim mad, Levi mad.
Somehow, it made him smile. "no =) I don't think that's possible."
Levi had said that once, too. I decided to divert the conversation. I told him I bought him something. And he told me, "You know what? you're precious."
I laughed hysterically through the tears in the darkness of my empty, broken apartment. Precious. Yeah, right. Why did Levi leave me?
He had to run to devos. And when he came back, he wanted me to go rest. But I didn't want to. I was in bed now but my eyes were throbbing from the tears and my throat on fire from hell. He told me he was glad we were friends.... that he had learned stuff from me. That puzzled me. I tried to tease him, but reminded me that when he first came to talk to me, it was with disapproval.
'I was trying to help you the only way I knew how: that's one thing you taught me, not to be a judge of the heart.'
Wow. What could I say?
"Tim, you're amazing. You've inspired me every day since then, I'm utterly grateful for you."
"I'm glad I can help."
"You should rest, do homework or something."
'I am doing homework."
Oh. Well, then why was he texting me? "Don't let me distract you."
"Shhhh.... you aren't a bad distraction =) the only way I'll stop is if you need rest! Then I'll do homework anwyays. =)"
"Okay, Tim." =) He said "shhh" and it was like this amazing, cleaning, soothing balm. I could hear his voice across my blistered, throbbing little soul. I could feel the gentleness I craved so badly. It made the tears fall again, but they were tears of gratefulness. Thank you, God.
I decided to tell him what was on my mind. That I'd never seen him outside of suit and tie. Maybe he wouldn't be so intimidating to me if he didn't always look like an RA. He told me he didn't like tees but wore jeans and button up shirts. Made sense, from his pictures on facebook. And he told me he'd never seen me outside of "super nice clothes" but I guess the Buckle boots and jean skirt on Wednesday night had still looked too fancy on me. lol
"You don't want to see me on my down days. Hoodie and ponytail and pretty much a mess."
He teased me by saying, "I like it though, it's classy and you're probably never anything but the epitome of beauty."
What is an epitome? I tried not to cry. If I were beautiful, Levi wouldn't have left me! Of course I didn't want to say that to him.
"I think you might be delusional, Tim."
"Why?"
"For crying out loud I'm not pretty!"
"Your'e right. you aren't pretty. you're beautiful."
I felt the bitter tears bubble on the tip of my tongue again. Levi, Levi. Why did you leave me? "Tim can we talk about something else? I'm so embarressed I'm going to cry." Let him think I just couldn't handle compliments.
He apologized. I did, too.
"You aren't a negative part of my life, you're a special gift from God."
Wow. He said that? Then he finished his homework and I wanted him to stay but I couldn't ask him. He tucked me in by saying, "Goodnight my precious friend, lala salama rafiki thamani kwangu."
It made the tears keep pooling into my pillow. Sad, tired, lonely pillow.
Tim, stay.
I couldn't sleep.
Couldn't breathe.
The nightmares howled in my head, in my mind. Wandering the graveyard in Pekin. The bridge, the ice, the black water, my eyes closing in death. The blood and pain and alcohol of the wedding day. The car wreck, the screams, the smoke, the hysteria. Levi loving me. Twirling me under the stars. Holding me. His kisses, warm sunlight, Santana, a field with a tree under the empty sky. Levi crying. My words. His eyes, full of hate. The snow, the fight, the hot chocolate. Levi running... running... running. My best friend, running. The new Noelle, the broken and empty and frightened one. The one that cowered under the taunting superioirty of Levi and Tim, Levi and Anna, Levi and his club of friends at Walmart. Tim, laughing over my crumpled form. The park, the car, the darkness and the gleaming, cruel Devon Tower. The airport... the knife... the emptiness.
Woke up scraeming for Levi, for Tim. I didn't want to call him. But he made me promise. A promise. I called, and it rang and rang, and went to voicemail. I hung up and cried and cried, rocking back and forth on the bedroom floor in the corner.
Please, be dead. Please. Please.
The splintering pain was so sharp in my head, in my eyes. I could feel my heart literally throbbing and lurching. I was going to lose it soon.
I called him again.
And he answered.
"Oh you answered!" I gasped.
He was laughing, soothing me. I laid back and let my soaked hair tumble around me on the floor. Tim was here. It would be okay.
I told him about my nightmare, and I cried. He promised he wasn't angry with me anymore. I asked him to pray with me, because my heart wouldn't calm down, but the wild beating was frightening me. And he did. He prayed for me the way I loved it, the way he did before. And as he prayed, I could feel this peace sink into my veins, sink slowly and coolly along the feverish arteries, wiping me out. I struggled to focus on his words.
Tim....
Tim......
I opened my eys, and I was limp on the floor. Had I fainted? I looked at the phone. He'd hung up and texted me to call him back.
Poor, Tim.
I'm so sorry.
I called him back. He stayed with me most of the night, till 3am. I cried. He told me about lake nakuru, with all the flamingos. Told him about Steven. He told me about little Claurissa, a princess, calling him a liar. About running into the pole. We laughed, I cried, he stayed with me until our strength was gone.
He went to sleep, and I couldn't. I couldn't sleep. I let morning come, then noon, then evening. I walked the apartment and shook with fever and with sickness. I had left my Bible at work but I closed my eyes and prayed, prayed, prayed.
God, what do you want me to do?
I need a break. I need to put an end to something. Just tell me what to do.... But I'm running out of time.
Your star,
Rigel
1.27.14
I look back on Monday as the day some lines for me were crossed. I didn't realize it as they were happening. This was one of the best days, but it also would be that day that would cause me the most pain. Because to my foolish, stupid self it would seem like a promise of so much more than what I'm going to end up with, and maybe I let my heart dream a little bit. As wonderful as it was, it left a dark and bitter sting in my heart. Because there is nothing for me. And the sweetness of Tim's friendship, like yours, is just an illusion.
Monday - he woke me up, but I was sick. So sick. In so much pain. He urged me to call in and go to sleep. I tried. But I was too sick. Off to the doctor. I texted him after classes, with an udpate. I knew I was falling to peices, and I wanted to be real. I wanted to ask him the questions on my mind, whether it frustrated him or not. "Tim, how do you face the end of your life? I'm oh so scared." How do you choose the time? To just give up that there will be any hope left? I'm so scared but.... somewhere along the way, I made my decision. To die. I don't know when it happened, but it did. He tried to encourage me with scripture. Said he forgot an assignment for classes. I told him I would try to help him.
He texted me to tell me I was beautiful. It didn't even matter anymore. The sadness ran too deep now. I decided to try to bolster his self-esteem and remind him that he is awesome to me. We ended up teasing each other... easy, almost happy conversation. He teased me about fitting the trashcan. I had thoguht he hadn't been listening the other night when he was with Alex. Maybe he went back and read up on things. He gave me permission to tease him back, but I reminded him first he had to share something embarressing. He promised he would think of something, and then sent me his syllabus. I had to laugh at the handwriting. It was so bad I couldn't make anythiing out... but I didn't have the heart to tell him.
He went to work and I went to sleep, then texted me on his lunch. There was somethign really special about seeing him text me, think about me, give his time towards me. I knew it wouldn't last, and maybe that's what was so precious about it. I was restless. I missed him. It wasn't logical, but it was true. And he said he missed me back. I stared at that message for a long time. Why? Why would he miss me? I wanted to come see him at work, I could picture myself slipping into Walmart and trying to figure out the pharmacy, trying to imagine what that would be like to just say "Hey, I miss you." Would he be happy? Or annoyed? Would he care at all.
I went ahead and took a risk and told him I almost dropped by, but he must have thought meant that I had wanted to drop by campus and proceeded to lecture me that he had to do things and didn't have time to spend with me. That stung.... I was so glad that I hadn't left the apartment. I let the tears softly trickle down my cheek and sat in the darkness with the knife between my fingertips and tried to think things through, but it was so hard to think through. I just wanted to see him, to see his smile, so I could try to remember what it looked like when Levi smiled at me. To pretend it could happen again someday. To make the pain a little bit easier. But he didn't have time to me. And neither would Levi.
I left my words fall cold and empty. No I'm coming to campus.
I Want to see you too, he told me. It wiped away the tears. I'd never said I wanted to see him. What was he thinking? I ran the blade along my trembling lip and tried to be strong enough to push it into the soft skin but I couldn't. I was so, so broken.
He seemed hurt when I pushed him away and told him to go study. But I couldn't help it. He didn't want me. And I had so much more going on in my head. He texted me. I asked if he was mad. I was always afraid of that. Tim mad, Levi mad.
Somehow, it made him smile. "no =) I don't think that's possible."
Levi had said that once, too. I decided to divert the conversation. I told him I bought him something. And he told me, "You know what? you're precious."
I laughed hysterically through the tears in the darkness of my empty, broken apartment. Precious. Yeah, right. Why did Levi leave me?
He had to run to devos. And when he came back, he wanted me to go rest. But I didn't want to. I was in bed now but my eyes were throbbing from the tears and my throat on fire from hell. He told me he was glad we were friends.... that he had learned stuff from me. That puzzled me. I tried to tease him, but reminded me that when he first came to talk to me, it was with disapproval.
'I was trying to help you the only way I knew how: that's one thing you taught me, not to be a judge of the heart.'
Wow. What could I say?
"Tim, you're amazing. You've inspired me every day since then, I'm utterly grateful for you."
"I'm glad I can help."
"You should rest, do homework or something."
'I am doing homework."
Oh. Well, then why was he texting me? "Don't let me distract you."
"Shhhh.... you aren't a bad distraction =) the only way I'll stop is if you need rest! Then I'll do homework anwyays. =)"
"Okay, Tim." =) He said "shhh" and it was like this amazing, cleaning, soothing balm. I could hear his voice across my blistered, throbbing little soul. I could feel the gentleness I craved so badly. It made the tears fall again, but they were tears of gratefulness. Thank you, God.
I decided to tell him what was on my mind. That I'd never seen him outside of suit and tie. Maybe he wouldn't be so intimidating to me if he didn't always look like an RA. He told me he didn't like tees but wore jeans and button up shirts. Made sense, from his pictures on facebook. And he told me he'd never seen me outside of "super nice clothes" but I guess the Buckle boots and jean skirt on Wednesday night had still looked too fancy on me. lol
"You don't want to see me on my down days. Hoodie and ponytail and pretty much a mess."
He teased me by saying, "I like it though, it's classy and you're probably never anything but the epitome of beauty."
What is an epitome? I tried not to cry. If I were beautiful, Levi wouldn't have left me! Of course I didn't want to say that to him.
"I think you might be delusional, Tim."
"Why?"
"For crying out loud I'm not pretty!"
"Your'e right. you aren't pretty. you're beautiful."
I felt the bitter tears bubble on the tip of my tongue again. Levi, Levi. Why did you leave me? "Tim can we talk about something else? I'm so embarressed I'm going to cry." Let him think I just couldn't handle compliments.
He apologized. I did, too.
"You aren't a negative part of my life, you're a special gift from God."
Wow. He said that? Then he finished his homework and I wanted him to stay but I couldn't ask him. He tucked me in by saying, "Goodnight my precious friend, lala salama rafiki thamani kwangu."
It made the tears keep pooling into my pillow. Sad, tired, lonely pillow.
Tim, stay.
I couldn't sleep.
Couldn't breathe.
The nightmares howled in my head, in my mind. Wandering the graveyard in Pekin. The bridge, the ice, the black water, my eyes closing in death. The blood and pain and alcohol of the wedding day. The car wreck, the screams, the smoke, the hysteria. Levi loving me. Twirling me under the stars. Holding me. His kisses, warm sunlight, Santana, a field with a tree under the empty sky. Levi crying. My words. His eyes, full of hate. The snow, the fight, the hot chocolate. Levi running... running... running. My best friend, running. The new Noelle, the broken and empty and frightened one. The one that cowered under the taunting superioirty of Levi and Tim, Levi and Anna, Levi and his club of friends at Walmart. Tim, laughing over my crumpled form. The park, the car, the darkness and the gleaming, cruel Devon Tower. The airport... the knife... the emptiness.
Woke up scraeming for Levi, for Tim. I didn't want to call him. But he made me promise. A promise. I called, and it rang and rang, and went to voicemail. I hung up and cried and cried, rocking back and forth on the bedroom floor in the corner.
Please, be dead. Please. Please.
The splintering pain was so sharp in my head, in my eyes. I could feel my heart literally throbbing and lurching. I was going to lose it soon.
I called him again.
And he answered.
"Oh you answered!" I gasped.
He was laughing, soothing me. I laid back and let my soaked hair tumble around me on the floor. Tim was here. It would be okay.
I told him about my nightmare, and I cried. He promised he wasn't angry with me anymore. I asked him to pray with me, because my heart wouldn't calm down, but the wild beating was frightening me. And he did. He prayed for me the way I loved it, the way he did before. And as he prayed, I could feel this peace sink into my veins, sink slowly and coolly along the feverish arteries, wiping me out. I struggled to focus on his words.
Tim....
Tim......
I opened my eys, and I was limp on the floor. Had I fainted? I looked at the phone. He'd hung up and texted me to call him back.
Poor, Tim.
I'm so sorry.
I called him back. He stayed with me most of the night, till 3am. I cried. He told me about lake nakuru, with all the flamingos. Told him about Steven. He told me about little Claurissa, a princess, calling him a liar. About running into the pole. We laughed, I cried, he stayed with me until our strength was gone.
He went to sleep, and I couldn't. I couldn't sleep. I let morning come, then noon, then evening. I walked the apartment and shook with fever and with sickness. I had left my Bible at work but I closed my eyes and prayed, prayed, prayed.
God, what do you want me to do?
I need a break. I need to put an end to something. Just tell me what to do.... But I'm running out of time.
Your star,
Rigel
Getting Sick
Dear Levi,
1.26.14
Sunday - always my hardest day. I couldn't go to church. I was so sick. He didn't text me until after bus, and I was getting ready to head in for choir. As I drove through the pretty, sunlit streets, he quickly introduced a topic that made the day seem a little dimmer. Began talking about Alex and thier talk and that must be why he was too busy last night for me. Makes sense..... but somehow it hurt. He told me he was confused about her, scared she wouldn't like him back. I didn't get why he was telling me, but I decided he didn't have any other girl friends to bounce this off of. So I tried to swallow my bitterness and just be a friend to him. He told me he likes her so much because she's so godly. I couldn't help take it as a personal insult. I remember working with Alex. Always beautiful, always perfect, alwas soft-spoken, alwas Mexican. It brought tears to my eyes. I would never be first place with anyone. But I didn't let it show, I gritted my teeth and tried to be as kind and as objective as I could. He seemed to really appreciate it, and I was glad he didn't see through me. We talked about the pretty weather, and then I told him about being sick. Abotu throwing up a pint of blood. He seemed mad that I was bringing it up. I tried to make it a little happier, but I couldn't. He didnt' know how insane I felt, falling to peices, looking at the pawn shops as I drove by and wanting to pull in and buy a gun. I asked him if it would be okay to say hi at church. He said yes with some surprise that I would ask, but I didn't want to embaress him in front of his guys or Alex. Our friendship was awkward enough.
At church, he tried to come up but got stopped by a friend, then walked away. I would go over and say hi but Bailey and Zhenya were making me cry because they could see the weariness all over my face, so I went downstairs to get a tissue, instead. I came back up and tried to calm down, but seeing Levi with Anna across the way, I couldn't. My head rang. It burned and blistered. The tears pooled and burned. My rib ached from where I'd fallen on it. Tim was downstairs, flirting with people near Alex. I should at least go say hi, but I wanted to wait until he was done vying for her attention. I decided to go find Taylor and apologize for not being in Sunday School or texting her. On the way, he was coming up the stairs. It was awkward. Couldn't really talk in passing like that, but I wanted to at least try to say hi. He looked at me with upraised eyebrows and those cool, superior eyes. I wanted to cringe away. He was casual, cool, and aloof. I stumbled through a hello and turned and ran down the stairs, shaking. Mandii caught me. Everyone wanted to talk about Ukraine. When I went back upstairs, he was just getting back, too. It made me mad, and I sat by my girls and didn't look his way.
Why did he still do that to me? Make me feel like I'm a bother for even existing? I wish I could stop. I want to stop so bad. Kill myself right infront of him and Levi and Anna. Ruin their lives forever. Except, the bitter thought came, I wouldn't get to see their expressions and they wouldn't even care anyways. At least it would make me feel better.... In the service, they sang my song. About a secret place. It made huge tears pool up in my eyes. Why was there no secret place? Just pain, pain in every direction. During the offering, I had to run the tray. My rib hurt so bad to move, but as I rose shakily to my feet, Tim was right there waiting for it. Oh, he must be sitting on the next pew over. Go figure. I made sure not to look his way again. During hand shake, Amanda came up and shook my hand with a big, sincere and still shy smile. It was so incredibly touching. I couldn't concentrate during the sermon. I hurt so bad. To breathe, to think, to know Levi and Anna were together. And leaving soon. I would never see him again. Never. Ever. As soon as the sermon was over, I turned and Tim had bolted. I didn't get it. What was his rush? Probably going to make arrangements with Alex. I shrugged and tried not to care. But I did. More sadness, pooling in my heart. I wanted to go to Grand Boulevarde and pray and cry, but Zhenya begged a ride to the dorm. I tried not to be annoyed, and took Bailey and Pearl along, too. I had to wait for Levi and Anna to go downstairs first, and I didn't talk much on the way to the dorm. I knew somewhere Tim would be chasing Alex, Levi chasing Anna. I didn't want to be on campus one second longer than I had to. But pulling off, I felt so alone and so, so broken.
I drove through the dark streets and let the tears fall. My ringing headache was going to bring on the vomiting again, so I tried to prevent that by finding a good, cruel rock song on the radio and turning it up to blast, matching the pain throb for throb pounding in my skull. I ended up at the airport and watched the ligths blink soft and blue and orange under the dark sky. It was the lonelist feeling in the word. I wanted to walk out there and just lie down and stop existing. But it couldn't happen. So I just sat there and cried and cried. I went home and pulled the butcher knife from the kitchen and traced it along the old scars on my arm. I long so badly to watch the blood boil and bleed out, to give some releif to the pain. I stood there and cried, too weak to even hurt myself.
Surprisingly, Tim texted me about an hour later. Still early, only nine o'clock. I was so hurt by him earlier, and in so much pain, but I tried not to show it, talking about random things like shooting stars and flying to different planets. He didn't bother to ask why I was out at the airport at night. No one cares. He was doing homework. I offered to try to help him, and that seemed to make him pretty happy. We talked abotu what we wanted to be when we grew up. I guess he'd always wanted to be a missionary. I finally got the nerve to ask him about the look he gave me. He told me he was frustrated at me because he felt I was always reminding him that he had life. For some reason, it was the cruelest thing to say. I fell apart, sobbing, wanting to be dead so badly I could taste the earth of my own grave. I asked him if he would be happier if I just died then, so he wouldn't have to think about it. He ended up calling me, no surprise... and at first I didn't walk to talk to him. But his voice was so soothing, so gentle and irresistable. It calmed me down. He explained about feeling awkward in front of his friends. About Collins calling me "drop dead gorgeous" about being worried for me. "You told me you threw up a pint of blood, and you might not make it till May. How am I supposed to feel?" It surprised me, I hadn't thought he'd cared. I tried to explain my perspective, but I didn't really even care. My perspective didn't matter. He told me about Africa, about his big mega church of 300-400 people. About his friends.... the guy with the funny name, the song leader... about the history of the Congo. You could just feel the pride and the longing in his voice to go back to his country. It made me smile through the tears. We talked till 1am and then softly said goodnight. He texted me almost immediately, "that was was a good talk." =) I guess it makes sense that it would make him happy. We said goonight very gently. Almost like real friends.
But it can't be real. Because I thought you were so real, Levi, and you weren't. Were you?
Your star, so sick and broken,
Rigel
1.26.14
Sunday - always my hardest day. I couldn't go to church. I was so sick. He didn't text me until after bus, and I was getting ready to head in for choir. As I drove through the pretty, sunlit streets, he quickly introduced a topic that made the day seem a little dimmer. Began talking about Alex and thier talk and that must be why he was too busy last night for me. Makes sense..... but somehow it hurt. He told me he was confused about her, scared she wouldn't like him back. I didn't get why he was telling me, but I decided he didn't have any other girl friends to bounce this off of. So I tried to swallow my bitterness and just be a friend to him. He told me he likes her so much because she's so godly. I couldn't help take it as a personal insult. I remember working with Alex. Always beautiful, always perfect, alwas soft-spoken, alwas Mexican. It brought tears to my eyes. I would never be first place with anyone. But I didn't let it show, I gritted my teeth and tried to be as kind and as objective as I could. He seemed to really appreciate it, and I was glad he didn't see through me. We talked about the pretty weather, and then I told him about being sick. Abotu throwing up a pint of blood. He seemed mad that I was bringing it up. I tried to make it a little happier, but I couldn't. He didnt' know how insane I felt, falling to peices, looking at the pawn shops as I drove by and wanting to pull in and buy a gun. I asked him if it would be okay to say hi at church. He said yes with some surprise that I would ask, but I didn't want to embaress him in front of his guys or Alex. Our friendship was awkward enough.
At church, he tried to come up but got stopped by a friend, then walked away. I would go over and say hi but Bailey and Zhenya were making me cry because they could see the weariness all over my face, so I went downstairs to get a tissue, instead. I came back up and tried to calm down, but seeing Levi with Anna across the way, I couldn't. My head rang. It burned and blistered. The tears pooled and burned. My rib ached from where I'd fallen on it. Tim was downstairs, flirting with people near Alex. I should at least go say hi, but I wanted to wait until he was done vying for her attention. I decided to go find Taylor and apologize for not being in Sunday School or texting her. On the way, he was coming up the stairs. It was awkward. Couldn't really talk in passing like that, but I wanted to at least try to say hi. He looked at me with upraised eyebrows and those cool, superior eyes. I wanted to cringe away. He was casual, cool, and aloof. I stumbled through a hello and turned and ran down the stairs, shaking. Mandii caught me. Everyone wanted to talk about Ukraine. When I went back upstairs, he was just getting back, too. It made me mad, and I sat by my girls and didn't look his way.
Why did he still do that to me? Make me feel like I'm a bother for even existing? I wish I could stop. I want to stop so bad. Kill myself right infront of him and Levi and Anna. Ruin their lives forever. Except, the bitter thought came, I wouldn't get to see their expressions and they wouldn't even care anyways. At least it would make me feel better.... In the service, they sang my song. About a secret place. It made huge tears pool up in my eyes. Why was there no secret place? Just pain, pain in every direction. During the offering, I had to run the tray. My rib hurt so bad to move, but as I rose shakily to my feet, Tim was right there waiting for it. Oh, he must be sitting on the next pew over. Go figure. I made sure not to look his way again. During hand shake, Amanda came up and shook my hand with a big, sincere and still shy smile. It was so incredibly touching. I couldn't concentrate during the sermon. I hurt so bad. To breathe, to think, to know Levi and Anna were together. And leaving soon. I would never see him again. Never. Ever. As soon as the sermon was over, I turned and Tim had bolted. I didn't get it. What was his rush? Probably going to make arrangements with Alex. I shrugged and tried not to care. But I did. More sadness, pooling in my heart. I wanted to go to Grand Boulevarde and pray and cry, but Zhenya begged a ride to the dorm. I tried not to be annoyed, and took Bailey and Pearl along, too. I had to wait for Levi and Anna to go downstairs first, and I didn't talk much on the way to the dorm. I knew somewhere Tim would be chasing Alex, Levi chasing Anna. I didn't want to be on campus one second longer than I had to. But pulling off, I felt so alone and so, so broken.
I drove through the dark streets and let the tears fall. My ringing headache was going to bring on the vomiting again, so I tried to prevent that by finding a good, cruel rock song on the radio and turning it up to blast, matching the pain throb for throb pounding in my skull. I ended up at the airport and watched the ligths blink soft and blue and orange under the dark sky. It was the lonelist feeling in the word. I wanted to walk out there and just lie down and stop existing. But it couldn't happen. So I just sat there and cried and cried. I went home and pulled the butcher knife from the kitchen and traced it along the old scars on my arm. I long so badly to watch the blood boil and bleed out, to give some releif to the pain. I stood there and cried, too weak to even hurt myself.
Surprisingly, Tim texted me about an hour later. Still early, only nine o'clock. I was so hurt by him earlier, and in so much pain, but I tried not to show it, talking about random things like shooting stars and flying to different planets. He didn't bother to ask why I was out at the airport at night. No one cares. He was doing homework. I offered to try to help him, and that seemed to make him pretty happy. We talked abotu what we wanted to be when we grew up. I guess he'd always wanted to be a missionary. I finally got the nerve to ask him about the look he gave me. He told me he was frustrated at me because he felt I was always reminding him that he had life. For some reason, it was the cruelest thing to say. I fell apart, sobbing, wanting to be dead so badly I could taste the earth of my own grave. I asked him if he would be happier if I just died then, so he wouldn't have to think about it. He ended up calling me, no surprise... and at first I didn't walk to talk to him. But his voice was so soothing, so gentle and irresistable. It calmed me down. He explained about feeling awkward in front of his friends. About Collins calling me "drop dead gorgeous" about being worried for me. "You told me you threw up a pint of blood, and you might not make it till May. How am I supposed to feel?" It surprised me, I hadn't thought he'd cared. I tried to explain my perspective, but I didn't really even care. My perspective didn't matter. He told me about Africa, about his big mega church of 300-400 people. About his friends.... the guy with the funny name, the song leader... about the history of the Congo. You could just feel the pride and the longing in his voice to go back to his country. It made me smile through the tears. We talked till 1am and then softly said goodnight. He texted me almost immediately, "that was was a good talk." =) I guess it makes sense that it would make him happy. We said goonight very gently. Almost like real friends.
But it can't be real. Because I thought you were so real, Levi, and you weren't. Were you?
Your star, so sick and broken,
Rigel
A Week With Tim
Dear Levi,
I never imagined what it would be like to be friends with Tim. Not a one-time thing, but a consistent, every day kind of thing. I wondered if this was like when you guys were friend. What happened between you two? I wish I knew.
The week was the usual, boring and pointless work week for me. Except for the parts now highlighted with Tim's sweet and faithful friendship. I couldn't believe that every day, he was there again, wanting to be friends.
Tuesday - i woke him up and he was working on a surprise for me! we discussed how he hates snow. After work, we joked around and it was so nice. And then I sent him pix about the revolution. I went to sleep, but couldn't. I was so scared for ukraine. He said that if he wasn't inmy life, God would replace him. that made me so sad!!! I dont' want him replaced. He told me people tlel him secret things but I couldn't tell him mine. He fell asleep on me. =) aww.
Wednesday - woke up with him texting me. told him i dreamed about him and his congo story. He asked if we could go out with a group. We decided yes. Awkward meeting at my pew before church started, I asked him to stay =) I didn't want him to walk away. After, Lenichka saying she was proud of me. went to Starbucks! he began texting me almost immediately afterwards, did you like it, how did it go, we talked all night.. he told me about his struggles as a teenager, I told him about my time limit... probably till 3am "text me to sleep"
Thursday - talk during work, go home and sleep and wake up he'd talked w Alex made me jealous, he prayed for me in room meetings, I wouldn't promise to call him since I know he won't be there for me down the road told him to go to sleep, tried calling him but he didn't answer got sad....
Friday - woke up tight and friendly and 'dont ask about me' acting like a jerk. apolgoized later. Shared Hosea w me, said he wasn't really a morning person. Then how did he find the discipline for 5am study time each morning? He sent me some of Hosea. Told me he was praying about an intern in Texas, but not where. That made me so sad. Texas was closer than Ohio, but... I didn't want him to leave for the summer. That was selfish, but I couldn't help it. He would be going to visit in a few weeks. We talked about the situation in Ukraine. He seemed to really care. Asked me when I would be getting off. I got off early, but he'd fallen asleep! He woke up and said he had to do lights out. That made me smile... being friends with an RA. He said it was too late to not worry about me. I growled at him in jest. Talked about how marvelous it is that we are friends. Asked him for his permission for a birthday gift, and he said yes! Told him he wouldn't need to remember my birthday, it was too far away. He scolded me, and when he asked me to guess something, I decided he must have talked to Alex. Actually, he just wanted to tell me again I was beautiful. That hurt and frustrated me, but I didn't show it. Asked me to call him, and I teased him about trying that the other night. I told him I was going to try to repay his kindness, but he said "You being happy is a gift enough." That meant so much. Who cares about my happiness? And then he fell asleep on me. =) Poor sweet guy.
Saturday - We talked visitation, about pj's at Midland. I encouraged him to keep doing the right thing regarding his relationship with Mr. Souza. And he told me, again, I was beautiful. I dared him to say it to my face, and he replied he already did! Hard as I thought, I could only remember that very first day on the bench when he was lecturing me to death and said I was "an attractive young lady." And that didn't count, he didn't say beautiful. He said he was bashful talking to pretty girls but would do it when he gets the chance. I told him I was trying to figure it out, and he got defensive and said there was nothing to figure out. He kept hating on himself and finally I just yelled at him about how awesome he is. =) Asked him to pray for my coworker Kayleena. He told me about Maurissa, his favorite little girl, who told him last week that she loves him. He told me about missing his own little sister, and then texted again when he'd visited Maurissa. We joked about him having to run home in the nice weather, suit and tie and all. He told him he's had excersize-induced allergies since he was 16, reminding me of Steven. Talked about him reading Joel. About going for a picnic or horesback riding in the sunshine. Why was it so easy to talk to him? It was so simple, so easy. He told me a I was "so cool" for being a jockey in highschool. After work, I texted him about Ukraine. About the executions. About the guys not keeping their hands off of me. He seemed distracted. I told him the story about hiding in the kitchen trash can, for no reason, other than he made me smile and I wanted to laugh with him. Except... he didn't respond. For a couple hours, lights out, curfew. Apologized, said he he to "deal with something." I jsut told him goodnight but woke up that night in screaming pain, feeling like my ribs were shattering, throwing up a fountain of blood. I tried to call but he didn't answer. Levi wouldn't answer, either. THere is no one there for me.
As good as life is with Tim in it, there is nothing compared to when you were in my life. I miss you, incredibly so. Come back.
Your star,
Rigel
I never imagined what it would be like to be friends with Tim. Not a one-time thing, but a consistent, every day kind of thing. I wondered if this was like when you guys were friend. What happened between you two? I wish I knew.
The week was the usual, boring and pointless work week for me. Except for the parts now highlighted with Tim's sweet and faithful friendship. I couldn't believe that every day, he was there again, wanting to be friends.
Tuesday - i woke him up and he was working on a surprise for me! we discussed how he hates snow. After work, we joked around and it was so nice. And then I sent him pix about the revolution. I went to sleep, but couldn't. I was so scared for ukraine. He said that if he wasn't inmy life, God would replace him. that made me so sad!!! I dont' want him replaced. He told me people tlel him secret things but I couldn't tell him mine. He fell asleep on me. =) aww.
Wednesday - woke up with him texting me. told him i dreamed about him and his congo story. He asked if we could go out with a group. We decided yes. Awkward meeting at my pew before church started, I asked him to stay =) I didn't want him to walk away. After, Lenichka saying she was proud of me. went to Starbucks! he began texting me almost immediately afterwards, did you like it, how did it go, we talked all night.. he told me about his struggles as a teenager, I told him about my time limit... probably till 3am "text me to sleep"
Thursday - talk during work, go home and sleep and wake up he'd talked w Alex made me jealous, he prayed for me in room meetings, I wouldn't promise to call him since I know he won't be there for me down the road told him to go to sleep, tried calling him but he didn't answer got sad....
Friday - woke up tight and friendly and 'dont ask about me' acting like a jerk. apolgoized later. Shared Hosea w me, said he wasn't really a morning person. Then how did he find the discipline for 5am study time each morning? He sent me some of Hosea. Told me he was praying about an intern in Texas, but not where. That made me so sad. Texas was closer than Ohio, but... I didn't want him to leave for the summer. That was selfish, but I couldn't help it. He would be going to visit in a few weeks. We talked about the situation in Ukraine. He seemed to really care. Asked me when I would be getting off. I got off early, but he'd fallen asleep! He woke up and said he had to do lights out. That made me smile... being friends with an RA. He said it was too late to not worry about me. I growled at him in jest. Talked about how marvelous it is that we are friends. Asked him for his permission for a birthday gift, and he said yes! Told him he wouldn't need to remember my birthday, it was too far away. He scolded me, and when he asked me to guess something, I decided he must have talked to Alex. Actually, he just wanted to tell me again I was beautiful. That hurt and frustrated me, but I didn't show it. Asked me to call him, and I teased him about trying that the other night. I told him I was going to try to repay his kindness, but he said "You being happy is a gift enough." That meant so much. Who cares about my happiness? And then he fell asleep on me. =) Poor sweet guy.
Saturday - We talked visitation, about pj's at Midland. I encouraged him to keep doing the right thing regarding his relationship with Mr. Souza. And he told me, again, I was beautiful. I dared him to say it to my face, and he replied he already did! Hard as I thought, I could only remember that very first day on the bench when he was lecturing me to death and said I was "an attractive young lady." And that didn't count, he didn't say beautiful. He said he was bashful talking to pretty girls but would do it when he gets the chance. I told him I was trying to figure it out, and he got defensive and said there was nothing to figure out. He kept hating on himself and finally I just yelled at him about how awesome he is. =) Asked him to pray for my coworker Kayleena. He told me about Maurissa, his favorite little girl, who told him last week that she loves him. He told me about missing his own little sister, and then texted again when he'd visited Maurissa. We joked about him having to run home in the nice weather, suit and tie and all. He told him he's had excersize-induced allergies since he was 16, reminding me of Steven. Talked about him reading Joel. About going for a picnic or horesback riding in the sunshine. Why was it so easy to talk to him? It was so simple, so easy. He told me a I was "so cool" for being a jockey in highschool. After work, I texted him about Ukraine. About the executions. About the guys not keeping their hands off of me. He seemed distracted. I told him the story about hiding in the kitchen trash can, for no reason, other than he made me smile and I wanted to laugh with him. Except... he didn't respond. For a couple hours, lights out, curfew. Apologized, said he he to "deal with something." I jsut told him goodnight but woke up that night in screaming pain, feeling like my ribs were shattering, throwing up a fountain of blood. I tried to call but he didn't answer. Levi wouldn't answer, either. THere is no one there for me.
As good as life is with Tim in it, there is nothing compared to when you were in my life. I miss you, incredibly so. Come back.
Your star,
Rigel
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Pray with Me
Dear Levi,
1.20.2014
Sunday night, we texted. I told him that I was afraid of him walking away. He told me that I was very noticeable, and a wonderful person. It confused me. Why did he have to be so nice? He shouldn't care about me at all. And I didn't need compliments. Levi would never look at me again. I tried to keep the conversation light by sending him pix of Patrick, and then he said that he was a nobody RA. That made me sad. I tried to encourage him, and then he fell asleep on me. =)
Monday morning, I awoke from screaming nightmares. Screaming for Levi, for Tim, for the past to not happen. My throat was raw and my head was pounding. It was hard to breathe, chest pains so bad I was afraid I was having a heart attack. And I'm only twenty four. He asked how often it happened, and I told him it was more often. And definitely more often with stress.... which meant, with him in my life. But I didn't say it aloud. He wouldn't understand.
I tried to encourage him for classes, then ran off to work. I put down a rule in my head that I would not text him at work. It would start a bad habit. He texted me inbetween classes, which surprised me. I didn't expect him to think about me around his other friends. He had Intro to Biblical Counseling, Eschatology, Anthropology and then Joshua/Judges/Ruth. What a full day. It made me miss the classes I never got and long so badly to go back.
He was happy on break, and then he went to work. Apparently, he loves hot tea. Well, that is useful since we drink it so much in Ukraine.
I went to hang out with Bailey and Pearl and buy a fish, but I was so tired and my headache was ridiculous. I could barely see, the pain was so bad. Tim was tired on his break, and I sent him a picture of the sunset.
I actually ended up at Walmart so they could do shopping, and I timidly passed the pharmacy. I didn't see him. I wouldn't have had the guts to go say hi, anyways. I saw my enemies.... all of them, except for Levi. I miss you so much, babe. Where are you??????
When I went home, I let the tears fall down. So sad. So alone. I wanted to sleep but Kendon had left the apartment a mess, so first I cleaned and scrubbed. Then I curled up on the couch and began to write on the blog and eventually fell asleep.
I woke up to Tim getting off work, almost ten o'clock at night. We talked about the fish Bailey picked out, and teased each other. At one point, when I was afraid the teasing was going too far, I backed off. But he said he thought I was sweet. It made me smile sadly. Sweet. Like my dad's nickname, Sweetpea. Like how I loved Levi, my sweet prince.
I told Tim that I missed Steven the way Amanda loved on him. He seemed to like that. I miss my brother. I wish Tim could meet him.
He asked me how much I sleep. It was so funny and I felt awkward. He didn't need to worry about my health. But I tried to be honest. And when he asked about the nightmares, I turned him gently away and told him he didn't know a lot of my story yet. I gave him the lyrics from my hymn, How Firm a Foundation.
I was worried to wear Tim out. Like Levi had eventually gotten tired and then mad with me and then left me. He said he had to stay up to do lights out. That tickled me. I had never been friends with an RA. I was teasing him about it, but he came back really strong and finished with, "Why don't you just go to sleep?"
I froze.
All the playfullness evaporated. I could hear my dad yelling at me. Brad. And Levi. Why don't you just leave me alone?
Tears pooled in my eyes and made the headache worse.
Apparently, he had been teasing and tried to explan, but I could barely see through the tears. When he tried to backtrack, I cried harder. Why do I ruin everything? I told him he scares me. I couldn't tell him it is because in my nightmares, he is always standing over me gloating, triumphant, at the wedding of Levi and Anna.
He offered to call. And I wanted him to. But I was afriad of making things worse, since it was even harder to understand him over the phone.
"I'm not angry, honey I promise. Make what things worse?" he asked so gently.
It freed me, it broke me. "I feel so stupid and just... scared. For you to go away again. And I can't follow. I'm not welcome in your world."
"You are more than welcome in my world."
Except that I wasn't. And I told him. And he called me. We tried to talk about it, but I kept crying. It was so hard to be friends with him and not feeling all the pain, all the fear of making a wrong move. He told me about his call to go to the Congo, and it was incredible. So, so, incredibe.
"Noelle, I'm here for you. I have to go do lights out night but if you need me, you call me, ok?"
I couldn't promise.
"Noelle, promise me."
"I'll try...." I whispered.
"No, that's not what I said. Promise you'll call me, Noelle."
Why? Why did he have to make me promise? Because I would learn to trust him and then one day, he wouldn't be there. Just like Levi. I wouldn't be welcome to call him anymore. I would need to call him, to have him there for me, like tonight I needed Levi and I wouldn't be welcome to call anymore. I hung up, sobbing.
I ended up curled up on the bathroom floor, heaving in a panic attack, blood dribbling from my bitten lips. Everything hurt. I needed to calm down, but I couldn't. Levi. You left me. You left me. You left me, broken.
Poor Tim.
He was still texting me, that he was there, trying to be positive. But I needed him to be real. So I asked him to call and pray with me. That's what I needed. I needed prayer, not promises that would some day be reversed.
And he called, and he prayed. It was the most beautiful, the most sincere and broken hearted prayer I've heard. I never knew someone could pray like that in real life, with someone they don't know. He prayed about being so little and helpless but he prayed like God really, really cared. And he prayed for me. He prayed a long, long time. Earnest and soft and just..... strong, when I needed a friend to be strong.
When he was ready to hang up, I realized I was falling asleep. My brain was shutting down. It was too much trauma. Too much stress. He laughed at my sleepiness.
"Goodnight my beautiful friend, I won't text you till you text me that you're awake =) Okay? I don't want to wake you. Lala salama. =)"
And I let the tired, sad tears roll to my pillow and said the words in my head. Beautiful friend. Friend, beautiful. I fell asleep, then realized I had sent him the text that I only thought was in my head.
"Spokoinoi nochi moyemu drugu, bil vrag i teper, moi vozlublyennii. Goodnight, Tim."
Your star,
Rigel
1.20.2014
Sunday night, we texted. I told him that I was afraid of him walking away. He told me that I was very noticeable, and a wonderful person. It confused me. Why did he have to be so nice? He shouldn't care about me at all. And I didn't need compliments. Levi would never look at me again. I tried to keep the conversation light by sending him pix of Patrick, and then he said that he was a nobody RA. That made me sad. I tried to encourage him, and then he fell asleep on me. =)
Monday morning, I awoke from screaming nightmares. Screaming for Levi, for Tim, for the past to not happen. My throat was raw and my head was pounding. It was hard to breathe, chest pains so bad I was afraid I was having a heart attack. And I'm only twenty four. He asked how often it happened, and I told him it was more often. And definitely more often with stress.... which meant, with him in my life. But I didn't say it aloud. He wouldn't understand.
I tried to encourage him for classes, then ran off to work. I put down a rule in my head that I would not text him at work. It would start a bad habit. He texted me inbetween classes, which surprised me. I didn't expect him to think about me around his other friends. He had Intro to Biblical Counseling, Eschatology, Anthropology and then Joshua/Judges/Ruth. What a full day. It made me miss the classes I never got and long so badly to go back.
He was happy on break, and then he went to work. Apparently, he loves hot tea. Well, that is useful since we drink it so much in Ukraine.
I went to hang out with Bailey and Pearl and buy a fish, but I was so tired and my headache was ridiculous. I could barely see, the pain was so bad. Tim was tired on his break, and I sent him a picture of the sunset.
I actually ended up at Walmart so they could do shopping, and I timidly passed the pharmacy. I didn't see him. I wouldn't have had the guts to go say hi, anyways. I saw my enemies.... all of them, except for Levi. I miss you so much, babe. Where are you??????
When I went home, I let the tears fall down. So sad. So alone. I wanted to sleep but Kendon had left the apartment a mess, so first I cleaned and scrubbed. Then I curled up on the couch and began to write on the blog and eventually fell asleep.
I woke up to Tim getting off work, almost ten o'clock at night. We talked about the fish Bailey picked out, and teased each other. At one point, when I was afraid the teasing was going too far, I backed off. But he said he thought I was sweet. It made me smile sadly. Sweet. Like my dad's nickname, Sweetpea. Like how I loved Levi, my sweet prince.
I told Tim that I missed Steven the way Amanda loved on him. He seemed to like that. I miss my brother. I wish Tim could meet him.
He asked me how much I sleep. It was so funny and I felt awkward. He didn't need to worry about my health. But I tried to be honest. And when he asked about the nightmares, I turned him gently away and told him he didn't know a lot of my story yet. I gave him the lyrics from my hymn, How Firm a Foundation.
I was worried to wear Tim out. Like Levi had eventually gotten tired and then mad with me and then left me. He said he had to stay up to do lights out. That tickled me. I had never been friends with an RA. I was teasing him about it, but he came back really strong and finished with, "Why don't you just go to sleep?"
I froze.
All the playfullness evaporated. I could hear my dad yelling at me. Brad. And Levi. Why don't you just leave me alone?
Tears pooled in my eyes and made the headache worse.
Apparently, he had been teasing and tried to explan, but I could barely see through the tears. When he tried to backtrack, I cried harder. Why do I ruin everything? I told him he scares me. I couldn't tell him it is because in my nightmares, he is always standing over me gloating, triumphant, at the wedding of Levi and Anna.
He offered to call. And I wanted him to. But I was afriad of making things worse, since it was even harder to understand him over the phone.
"I'm not angry, honey I promise. Make what things worse?" he asked so gently.
It freed me, it broke me. "I feel so stupid and just... scared. For you to go away again. And I can't follow. I'm not welcome in your world."
"You are more than welcome in my world."
Except that I wasn't. And I told him. And he called me. We tried to talk about it, but I kept crying. It was so hard to be friends with him and not feeling all the pain, all the fear of making a wrong move. He told me about his call to go to the Congo, and it was incredible. So, so, incredibe.
"Noelle, I'm here for you. I have to go do lights out night but if you need me, you call me, ok?"
I couldn't promise.
"Noelle, promise me."
"I'll try...." I whispered.
"No, that's not what I said. Promise you'll call me, Noelle."
Why? Why did he have to make me promise? Because I would learn to trust him and then one day, he wouldn't be there. Just like Levi. I wouldn't be welcome to call him anymore. I would need to call him, to have him there for me, like tonight I needed Levi and I wouldn't be welcome to call anymore. I hung up, sobbing.
I ended up curled up on the bathroom floor, heaving in a panic attack, blood dribbling from my bitten lips. Everything hurt. I needed to calm down, but I couldn't. Levi. You left me. You left me. You left me, broken.
Poor Tim.
He was still texting me, that he was there, trying to be positive. But I needed him to be real. So I asked him to call and pray with me. That's what I needed. I needed prayer, not promises that would some day be reversed.
And he called, and he prayed. It was the most beautiful, the most sincere and broken hearted prayer I've heard. I never knew someone could pray like that in real life, with someone they don't know. He prayed about being so little and helpless but he prayed like God really, really cared. And he prayed for me. He prayed a long, long time. Earnest and soft and just..... strong, when I needed a friend to be strong.
When he was ready to hang up, I realized I was falling asleep. My brain was shutting down. It was too much trauma. Too much stress. He laughed at my sleepiness.
"Goodnight my beautiful friend, I won't text you till you text me that you're awake =) Okay? I don't want to wake you. Lala salama. =)"
And I let the tired, sad tears roll to my pillow and said the words in my head. Beautiful friend. Friend, beautiful. I fell asleep, then realized I had sent him the text that I only thought was in my head.
"Spokoinoi nochi moyemu drugu, bil vrag i teper, moi vozlublyennii. Goodnight, Tim."
Your star,
Rigel
Monday, January 20, 2014
Friendship
Dear Levi,
1.18.2014
It was an interesting day, waking up after all night with Tim to the sweet, trilling chime of his texts. Could we really be friends? It was amazing to me. I worried, but, I didn't want to. I wanted to just relax and enjoy what God was doing. Healing an old enmity. Amazing.
On Sunday, I sang in the ensamble. I helped in my 7th grade class. And I took Zhenya out to teach her to drive. I bought my computer, the HP Split x2 I'm writing this on right now. Drove to church with my car full of friends and chased some random Mexican losers waving at us girls. It was a fun, blissful day. If it weren't for the ache of seeing you and Anna. You were so animated, so happy and bouncy at her side. It pierced me through with sadness. As joyous as my life was becoming, it didn't compare to your absence. It never would be okay.
Tim came up to talk to me at church after Zhenya and I put on our makeup in the bathroom. I teased him he was stalking me, but I was actually so glad he caught me in the hall rather than in front of you and Anna. It was hard for me to talk to him in person. I was still afraid of him, of the memories. He looked unsure of himself, too, but I had to give us both points for trying. I followed him into the balcony but didn't linger when he stopped at his seat. I gently dismissed myself and went to sit with my girls. We filled up a whole row. I was blessed. But I couldn't take away the pain of knowing you and Anna were just across the balcony, and didn't want me.
I took ten bucks to each of the missionary kids from the Sehelsteds who presented tonight, missionaries to Romania. I hoped it would be a blessing to them as it would have been to me on furlough. And I texted Tim and apologized for bailing on him. I told him it was still hard for me. He didn't seem mad. He seemed to understand. It was a huge blessing.
After church, I went to hang out on campus. And then I went to pray at my bench. Tim was at a care leader meeting at the Landes. Part of me was so sad. I was never chosen to do any of that kind of stuff. I wanted to be a leader at the Naval Academy so badly. I would never have that experience.
But I sat there and looked at the hill and prayed. When Tim got back, a few minutes before curfew, he came to me. He teased me for calling it "my hill." It was awkward... unsure, talking to him in real life. It was so much easier view texting. But after spending all night listening to me cry, I told myself not to be a coward and dragged my pretty boots over to the bench to at least give him a few minutes of my presence.
It was hard, when he came walking up, holding a frappe from MacDonalds, white shirt unbuttoned. He looked so much like you, Levi. Not quite as tall, not as handsome to me, eyes not quite the same caramel. But so much alike it took my breath away and left my stomach trembling. I miss you so, so much.
We only had a few moments, then I walked away for curfew. Tim texted me, saying I was trying to tell him not to be my friend. And it was true. I had to admit it. I am afraid of what will happen, because he's going to figure out that I'm not fixable. That I will never, ever run right again. Will never want anyone but you. Never be able to get over that pain. Never be able to trust again. fully bask in God's blessing, come onto campus without seeing that hill.
I am scared.
Your star,
Rigel
1.18.2014
It was an interesting day, waking up after all night with Tim to the sweet, trilling chime of his texts. Could we really be friends? It was amazing to me. I worried, but, I didn't want to. I wanted to just relax and enjoy what God was doing. Healing an old enmity. Amazing.
On Sunday, I sang in the ensamble. I helped in my 7th grade class. And I took Zhenya out to teach her to drive. I bought my computer, the HP Split x2 I'm writing this on right now. Drove to church with my car full of friends and chased some random Mexican losers waving at us girls. It was a fun, blissful day. If it weren't for the ache of seeing you and Anna. You were so animated, so happy and bouncy at her side. It pierced me through with sadness. As joyous as my life was becoming, it didn't compare to your absence. It never would be okay.
Tim came up to talk to me at church after Zhenya and I put on our makeup in the bathroom. I teased him he was stalking me, but I was actually so glad he caught me in the hall rather than in front of you and Anna. It was hard for me to talk to him in person. I was still afraid of him, of the memories. He looked unsure of himself, too, but I had to give us both points for trying. I followed him into the balcony but didn't linger when he stopped at his seat. I gently dismissed myself and went to sit with my girls. We filled up a whole row. I was blessed. But I couldn't take away the pain of knowing you and Anna were just across the balcony, and didn't want me.
I took ten bucks to each of the missionary kids from the Sehelsteds who presented tonight, missionaries to Romania. I hoped it would be a blessing to them as it would have been to me on furlough. And I texted Tim and apologized for bailing on him. I told him it was still hard for me. He didn't seem mad. He seemed to understand. It was a huge blessing.
After church, I went to hang out on campus. And then I went to pray at my bench. Tim was at a care leader meeting at the Landes. Part of me was so sad. I was never chosen to do any of that kind of stuff. I wanted to be a leader at the Naval Academy so badly. I would never have that experience.
But I sat there and looked at the hill and prayed. When Tim got back, a few minutes before curfew, he came to me. He teased me for calling it "my hill." It was awkward... unsure, talking to him in real life. It was so much easier view texting. But after spending all night listening to me cry, I told myself not to be a coward and dragged my pretty boots over to the bench to at least give him a few minutes of my presence.
It was hard, when he came walking up, holding a frappe from MacDonalds, white shirt unbuttoned. He looked so much like you, Levi. Not quite as tall, not as handsome to me, eyes not quite the same caramel. But so much alike it took my breath away and left my stomach trembling. I miss you so, so much.
We only had a few moments, then I walked away for curfew. Tim texted me, saying I was trying to tell him not to be my friend. And it was true. I had to admit it. I am afraid of what will happen, because he's going to figure out that I'm not fixable. That I will never, ever run right again. Will never want anyone but you. Never be able to get over that pain. Never be able to trust again. fully bask in God's blessing, come onto campus without seeing that hill.
I am scared.
Your star,
Rigel
All Nighter
Dear Levi,
1.17.204
Dear Levi,
You were once the only one who spent an all nighter talking to me. Saving me. Praying with me. I never thought anyone else could have that sacrifice inside. But apparently you chose well in your best friend. Because he did, too.
I was so tired after my double at Panera and when I got home, I brushed my teeth and began reading my Bible. I was still turning over the conversation from last night. He knew I was sick. And he hadn't said anything all day. He probably never would again. That was where Lucas drew the line, and Tim probably wouldn't be any different.
I was puttering around when my phone trilled, shimmering, sweet tones.
I froze. It was so late. Eleven o'clock at night.
Hey, how was your day?
Well, hello, Tim. I wasn't sure what to do. Ignore it? Answer? Curiosity got the best of me.
Hello =) Just got off work, actually. How was yours?
It was pretty long! But God is still good =) I'm sure excited for tomorrow!! I get to see my bus kids. =)
I was slow to answer, letting him get a taste for what it's like to wonder if it's ever coming. Plus, I was stumped what to say. Why did he have to be so.... precious? I could feel my heart softening, and that wasn't a good sign.
God is good all the time. =) Is that your favorite ministry?
Yes! I love it!! So the water heater is out here in the dorm..... super cold shower just now.
I was toweling off myself from a steaming hot shower. I smiled, feeling guilty. I didn't miss the ghetto dorms of Heartland. I tried to think of something helpful.
You could heat water in the microwave since there is no stove. We never have hot water in Ukraine, it seemed. Don't get sick!
lol Do you remember where I'm from? It isn't like I've never taken a cold shower before =) I'm just glad some of these stinkers are manning up and washing lol
Cold showers don't count when it's hot outside! =P
It wasn't always hot where I lived, either =P
It was Africa!!!!! Define 'not hot'..... like 50? lol
It was 6,000 ft altitude. lol. Okay you got me =) We probably hit below 50 a few times a year =)
Doesn't count =)
Says who?
I can't imagine that. Didn't you miss the cold? Autumn? Snow?? Says someone for whom -60 below zero was a normal winter day!
Hmmm nope... maybe on Christmas =) I think I do like the crisp cold now though (despite OK wind though) I love sunshine, warmth, not heat, where I lived we averaged in the 70's to low 80's with no humidity.
Oklahoma is not cold, just sort of bitter. And yes. Sunshine and warmth is nice for a little while but it's no fun to dress for!! =P
lol True especially for girls ;) I miss home
Well you can only do so much with a tee shirt. It gets boring lol. Why do you miss it the most?
Boring. I see. I miss everything, the stars that dot the sky like diamonds, the sunsets that set it on fire, the peace of perfect nature, the hustle and bustle of the market place, the warmness of the people, the joys of a simple life, my family, my church, my friends, my home. What do you miss the most?
That was really beautiful. =)
=)
I miss the sky so cold you can hear the stars shimmer, fruit trees dropping sweetness along every street, so many millions in every direction just lost and oppressed, cobblestone streets and crumbling architecture. I miss my couch and my turtles. Of all, I miss my dad most.
I miss my dad, too.
Is he like you?
I miss my baby sister though she isn't a baby anymore.
I miss Steven. He always had my back and taught me to be brace. I miss his laugh.
Some say we're alike, I don't know it's hard to say.
I often wondered about his family, and especially his parents. What would they be like??
Why don't you go home over the summer like Amanda?
But I'm glad to be where God has me for now. I'm content! Though I can't wait to grow up lol and mature! Jesus told me no.
I know they miss you back. But it is good you can find happiness here =) Pffft if you grow any older you'll be a wrinkly little old man!
What are you trying to say Noelle?
Don't you start that. You yourself said you seem older than you are! =P
There was a lengthy pause. I curled up in bed and tried to breathe, in and out, getting ready to fall asleep. I began to worry when he didn't respond.
I was teasing.
Lol.
I was afraid I upset you.
Don't bring what I said into this.... besides, I thought we determined I was a "baby." Nah, Clay Corder and I were spending some time in prayer.
I remembered calling him that on January 13th when he came over to my hill and my bench and tried to preach at me and help me for the first time. He remembered. And I loved the thought of guys in the dorm praying. It seemed.... just how it was supposed to be.
Okay good =) I must be more selective with my words if you will remember them so pointedly... I honestly couldn't call you that. Praying for no more cold showers tomorrow. Seems smart ;) lol
What a baby or old man =) I must be one or the other =P
Well....... I'd say you're closer to an old man. Maybe middle aged. Like forties.
Haha thanks..... I guess =)
You're welcome. Can I ask you something?
The playful was wonderful but I couldn't help thinking about the tears last night.
Sure.
What was it that made you so adamantly reject the shuttle? Did you just not transportation or was it was from me? The girl who you guys hate so much..... I silently finished in my head.
I didn't want transportation, and partially cuz I'm proud (I don't think I need help) and you're a pretty girl buying something for me which could be taken the wrong way. Why did you buy it for me?
I can't explain it except God told me to. I was worried you'd react just like you did....... but He wouldn't let it go. If it was my brother, I would have hoped someone would have cared. And my dad helped me with the funds. I don't know how tell him you forced it back ='(
I got scared. I didn't know your motives or anything. Look at it from my perspective. I read into it I suppose.
Something about his words made the old anger flare up. The fact he was suspicious of me and assuming some kind of ulterior, depraved motive hurt my pride.... hurt me deep. The anger flared so deep it began ripping at the hurt inside. The loss of Levi. My bitterness against them both. Against all of them.
You tell someone you're befriending about a need and they try to help. What a crime. Downright scandalous, really. I mocked him, the bitterness sharp. I kept going with the next thought, where he'd called me a pretty girl with wrong motives. Tim Mickey, RA, scared of Levi's cast off. What a thought. If you're afraid of me why talk to me at all. I'm sure no one has noticed the 3 occasions you have spoken to me in public, but just in case, you'd better stop, right?
I could have kept going. But I didn't. I stopped and wrapped my arms around my aching ribs and tried to bite down the anguished, gargled cry of pain.
No I wasn't scared of ohers as much as I was scared of you. False. Why would you say that?
His sentences were too disjointed. I couldn't figure them out.
I don't understand.
Sorry for not being perfect.... never claimed to be.
Those words sounded just like Brandon, so immature and selfcentered that he was. It made my anger even greater. I took a deep breath and tried to figure out why he thought I was accusing him of being imperfect. But something wasn't clicking.
I don't understand your words, to be afraid of me.
I was the one afraid of him. What did he have to be afraid of me about? He and Levi never acted afraid of me. They always walked around so imperiously.
And you aren't Levi's cast off. I wasn't sure what your intentions were.
I tried to figure that out. Of course he would narrow out that one expression. I shuddered to think why. Is that what they called me? Worse? And what could my intentions have possibly been? I didn't know him.
I don't understand what you think they might have been that caused you to feel afraid of me I wasn't trying to hurt you in any way. I was just trying to be a small part of a friend.
I appreciate that, I really do. I'm stupid, can we leave it at that?
But I was too hurt, too mad, too fragile. He wasn't going to get away with contradicting me on something so important.
Oh. I'm not? Yeah I'm sure you guys had worse names than that for me. I'd rather not find out, though, thanks. If you wish...... but I don't think that's accurate, because you aren't stupid at all.
I never got any farther.
Tim was calling me again.
Frustration and pain eased up a little bit but I rolled over and put my head between my knees before answering. I was so tired, so stressed.
"Are you going to make a habit of calling me?" I didn't mean to bite his head off, but my temper was stretched so thin.
He was quiet. "No."
And we talked. He told me, basically, that he thought I was hitting on him by buying the shuttle pass. I was surprised and amused and angry at the same time. I told him I didn't hit on guys by buying them stuff. I told him I would never hit on another guy after what Levi did to me. And I told him that I didn't even want to buy it. How I hated him, the very thought of him, and how I didn't want to spend my money on him, but God wouldn't let it go. I was crying by I was done.
"I knew you were going to just throw it back in my face, and you did!" I cried.
He was quiet and apologized. I think he realized how shallow he was being, thinking I was hitting on him. Just because Mandii and Alex and half the freshmen girls thought he was something, I was several years older and that wasn't the point. I would never look at anyone else after Levi.
"He never spoke about you. Never mentioned you ever," Tim said softly. That hurt so badly. Never? Not once? "Why did you break up, Noelle?"
I took a deep breath. He really wanted to know? Well, here it goes.
And I told him my story. From the Naval Academy, to the neuro science university in Chicago, to Levi helping me when I was so broken, to falling in love, to getting engaged, to that awful break, to the silence of those months. I had already reminded Tim of how he was a part of that hurtful semester, but I included it again to give it a deeper picture for him. I didn't talk about Brad and Andrea, or the sickness, or the fainting, or the multiple suicide attempts in Chicago, or the car wreck. That was too deep. Too deep. I spoke about the night I went to Walmart crying, and how he and Anna laughed at me. About how that broke me. About the summer. About how when I tried to move on, God brought Tim in. About the Hainlines. About knowing Levi would never, never come back. About wanting to die so badly.
"You really want to die, Noelle?" He asked me, and I could hear the criticism in his voice.
And part of me realized that I didn't want to. I wanted a long life with Levi. I wanted to live again. The sobs came so hard and fast.
"No, Tim! I don't want to die, I want to live! I want to grow old, and watch my hair turn grey! I want to see my nieces and my nephews! I want to take care of my parents!"
"Noelle, God is still big."
But I couldn't help sob. And it was Tim's turn to talk. He apologized for.... everything. One thing after another. He told me about praying for Dallas for nights on end, about leading him to the Lord. About never hearing from his since. About wanting to serve God, and be used of him. I could hear his voice break. I could fear the fire of zeal to be something good in this world.
We talked... all night.
He was apparently in the laundry room. I was curled up on the floor.
But we talked. About all sorts of things. Random things I can't remember. About Alex, the girl he likes so much. About his bus kids. About mine. His parents, apparently, had gone to Fairhaven and so he'd been there. What a small world.
I was afraid he'd be so tired. And I had to work a double. But I just didn't want him to go... because I knew we would never have this night again, like I would never have those nights with Levi again in Ukraine when he was there for me.
Three o'clock... four. His phone was dying. Then it died. But he texted me.
You know what?
What?
Just in case, you didn't know, you are beautiful.
Why do you say that?
Because it's true.
It's just very random. Thank you, though. I used to think I could be pretty until I broke my nose. Twice. Didn't have a doctor to set it. So I know it's not true =)
Well, I don't know. I just thought you might wanna know. And by the way, I mean more than just how you look. I mean who you are.
Thank you, Tim. I wish I'd have known you a long time ago. I have been praying for you since the day I met you! But I am so humbled that now, you would let me be a small part of your life.
You were praying for me?
Every. Single. Day. =) A year and a half now. =) Never missed once.
Why?
And I told him. Why. About Levi pointing him out. And then before it was quite time, Tim was ready to end things.
Goodnight, beautiful friend.
It was probably the most precious thing anyone has called me since Levi called me his snow princess. It made the tears start again.
Lala Salamba, Tim.
Levi, you would be so proud of Tim. You would be proud of your girl. Remember talking about Davina's ex-husband and how they all sat around at Christmas just talking, the pain and hurt restored? That's what this night felt like.
And Tim knew almost everything about me, and he called me a beautiful person. Rather than running and calling me crazy. It didn't make sense..... I was lost in the wonder of it all. I wish you were here to help me sort it out. I miss you. Tuck me in, Levi? Please?
Your star,
Rigel
1.17.204
Dear Levi,
You were once the only one who spent an all nighter talking to me. Saving me. Praying with me. I never thought anyone else could have that sacrifice inside. But apparently you chose well in your best friend. Because he did, too.
I was so tired after my double at Panera and when I got home, I brushed my teeth and began reading my Bible. I was still turning over the conversation from last night. He knew I was sick. And he hadn't said anything all day. He probably never would again. That was where Lucas drew the line, and Tim probably wouldn't be any different.
I was puttering around when my phone trilled, shimmering, sweet tones.
I froze. It was so late. Eleven o'clock at night.
Hey, how was your day?
Well, hello, Tim. I wasn't sure what to do. Ignore it? Answer? Curiosity got the best of me.
Hello =) Just got off work, actually. How was yours?
It was pretty long! But God is still good =) I'm sure excited for tomorrow!! I get to see my bus kids. =)
I was slow to answer, letting him get a taste for what it's like to wonder if it's ever coming. Plus, I was stumped what to say. Why did he have to be so.... precious? I could feel my heart softening, and that wasn't a good sign.
God is good all the time. =) Is that your favorite ministry?
Yes! I love it!! So the water heater is out here in the dorm..... super cold shower just now.
I was toweling off myself from a steaming hot shower. I smiled, feeling guilty. I didn't miss the ghetto dorms of Heartland. I tried to think of something helpful.
You could heat water in the microwave since there is no stove. We never have hot water in Ukraine, it seemed. Don't get sick!
lol Do you remember where I'm from? It isn't like I've never taken a cold shower before =) I'm just glad some of these stinkers are manning up and washing lol
Cold showers don't count when it's hot outside! =P
It wasn't always hot where I lived, either =P
It was Africa!!!!! Define 'not hot'..... like 50? lol
It was 6,000 ft altitude. lol. Okay you got me =) We probably hit below 50 a few times a year =)
Doesn't count =)
Says who?
I can't imagine that. Didn't you miss the cold? Autumn? Snow?? Says someone for whom -60 below zero was a normal winter day!
Hmmm nope... maybe on Christmas =) I think I do like the crisp cold now though (despite OK wind though) I love sunshine, warmth, not heat, where I lived we averaged in the 70's to low 80's with no humidity.
Oklahoma is not cold, just sort of bitter. And yes. Sunshine and warmth is nice for a little while but it's no fun to dress for!! =P
lol True especially for girls ;) I miss home
Well you can only do so much with a tee shirt. It gets boring lol. Why do you miss it the most?
Boring. I see. I miss everything, the stars that dot the sky like diamonds, the sunsets that set it on fire, the peace of perfect nature, the hustle and bustle of the market place, the warmness of the people, the joys of a simple life, my family, my church, my friends, my home. What do you miss the most?
That was really beautiful. =)
=)
I miss the sky so cold you can hear the stars shimmer, fruit trees dropping sweetness along every street, so many millions in every direction just lost and oppressed, cobblestone streets and crumbling architecture. I miss my couch and my turtles. Of all, I miss my dad most.
I miss my dad, too.
Is he like you?
I miss my baby sister though she isn't a baby anymore.
I miss Steven. He always had my back and taught me to be brace. I miss his laugh.
Some say we're alike, I don't know it's hard to say.
I often wondered about his family, and especially his parents. What would they be like??
Why don't you go home over the summer like Amanda?
But I'm glad to be where God has me for now. I'm content! Though I can't wait to grow up lol and mature! Jesus told me no.
I know they miss you back. But it is good you can find happiness here =) Pffft if you grow any older you'll be a wrinkly little old man!
What are you trying to say Noelle?
Don't you start that. You yourself said you seem older than you are! =P
There was a lengthy pause. I curled up in bed and tried to breathe, in and out, getting ready to fall asleep. I began to worry when he didn't respond.
I was teasing.
Lol.
I was afraid I upset you.
Don't bring what I said into this.... besides, I thought we determined I was a "baby." Nah, Clay Corder and I were spending some time in prayer.
I remembered calling him that on January 13th when he came over to my hill and my bench and tried to preach at me and help me for the first time. He remembered. And I loved the thought of guys in the dorm praying. It seemed.... just how it was supposed to be.
Okay good =) I must be more selective with my words if you will remember them so pointedly... I honestly couldn't call you that. Praying for no more cold showers tomorrow. Seems smart ;) lol
What a baby or old man =) I must be one or the other =P
Well....... I'd say you're closer to an old man. Maybe middle aged. Like forties.
Haha thanks..... I guess =)
You're welcome. Can I ask you something?
The playful was wonderful but I couldn't help thinking about the tears last night.
Sure.
What was it that made you so adamantly reject the shuttle? Did you just not transportation or was it was from me? The girl who you guys hate so much..... I silently finished in my head.
I didn't want transportation, and partially cuz I'm proud (I don't think I need help) and you're a pretty girl buying something for me which could be taken the wrong way. Why did you buy it for me?
I can't explain it except God told me to. I was worried you'd react just like you did....... but He wouldn't let it go. If it was my brother, I would have hoped someone would have cared. And my dad helped me with the funds. I don't know how tell him you forced it back ='(
I got scared. I didn't know your motives or anything. Look at it from my perspective. I read into it I suppose.
Something about his words made the old anger flare up. The fact he was suspicious of me and assuming some kind of ulterior, depraved motive hurt my pride.... hurt me deep. The anger flared so deep it began ripping at the hurt inside. The loss of Levi. My bitterness against them both. Against all of them.
You tell someone you're befriending about a need and they try to help. What a crime. Downright scandalous, really. I mocked him, the bitterness sharp. I kept going with the next thought, where he'd called me a pretty girl with wrong motives. Tim Mickey, RA, scared of Levi's cast off. What a thought. If you're afraid of me why talk to me at all. I'm sure no one has noticed the 3 occasions you have spoken to me in public, but just in case, you'd better stop, right?
I could have kept going. But I didn't. I stopped and wrapped my arms around my aching ribs and tried to bite down the anguished, gargled cry of pain.
No I wasn't scared of ohers as much as I was scared of you. False. Why would you say that?
His sentences were too disjointed. I couldn't figure them out.
I don't understand.
Sorry for not being perfect.... never claimed to be.
Those words sounded just like Brandon, so immature and selfcentered that he was. It made my anger even greater. I took a deep breath and tried to figure out why he thought I was accusing him of being imperfect. But something wasn't clicking.
I don't understand your words, to be afraid of me.
I was the one afraid of him. What did he have to be afraid of me about? He and Levi never acted afraid of me. They always walked around so imperiously.
And you aren't Levi's cast off. I wasn't sure what your intentions were.
I tried to figure that out. Of course he would narrow out that one expression. I shuddered to think why. Is that what they called me? Worse? And what could my intentions have possibly been? I didn't know him.
I don't understand what you think they might have been that caused you to feel afraid of me I wasn't trying to hurt you in any way. I was just trying to be a small part of a friend.
I appreciate that, I really do. I'm stupid, can we leave it at that?
But I was too hurt, too mad, too fragile. He wasn't going to get away with contradicting me on something so important.
Oh. I'm not? Yeah I'm sure you guys had worse names than that for me. I'd rather not find out, though, thanks. If you wish...... but I don't think that's accurate, because you aren't stupid at all.
I never got any farther.
Tim was calling me again.
Frustration and pain eased up a little bit but I rolled over and put my head between my knees before answering. I was so tired, so stressed.
"Are you going to make a habit of calling me?" I didn't mean to bite his head off, but my temper was stretched so thin.
He was quiet. "No."
And we talked. He told me, basically, that he thought I was hitting on him by buying the shuttle pass. I was surprised and amused and angry at the same time. I told him I didn't hit on guys by buying them stuff. I told him I would never hit on another guy after what Levi did to me. And I told him that I didn't even want to buy it. How I hated him, the very thought of him, and how I didn't want to spend my money on him, but God wouldn't let it go. I was crying by I was done.
"I knew you were going to just throw it back in my face, and you did!" I cried.
He was quiet and apologized. I think he realized how shallow he was being, thinking I was hitting on him. Just because Mandii and Alex and half the freshmen girls thought he was something, I was several years older and that wasn't the point. I would never look at anyone else after Levi.
"He never spoke about you. Never mentioned you ever," Tim said softly. That hurt so badly. Never? Not once? "Why did you break up, Noelle?"
I took a deep breath. He really wanted to know? Well, here it goes.
And I told him my story. From the Naval Academy, to the neuro science university in Chicago, to Levi helping me when I was so broken, to falling in love, to getting engaged, to that awful break, to the silence of those months. I had already reminded Tim of how he was a part of that hurtful semester, but I included it again to give it a deeper picture for him. I didn't talk about Brad and Andrea, or the sickness, or the fainting, or the multiple suicide attempts in Chicago, or the car wreck. That was too deep. Too deep. I spoke about the night I went to Walmart crying, and how he and Anna laughed at me. About how that broke me. About the summer. About how when I tried to move on, God brought Tim in. About the Hainlines. About knowing Levi would never, never come back. About wanting to die so badly.
"You really want to die, Noelle?" He asked me, and I could hear the criticism in his voice.
And part of me realized that I didn't want to. I wanted a long life with Levi. I wanted to live again. The sobs came so hard and fast.
"No, Tim! I don't want to die, I want to live! I want to grow old, and watch my hair turn grey! I want to see my nieces and my nephews! I want to take care of my parents!"
"Noelle, God is still big."
But I couldn't help sob. And it was Tim's turn to talk. He apologized for.... everything. One thing after another. He told me about praying for Dallas for nights on end, about leading him to the Lord. About never hearing from his since. About wanting to serve God, and be used of him. I could hear his voice break. I could fear the fire of zeal to be something good in this world.
We talked... all night.
He was apparently in the laundry room. I was curled up on the floor.
But we talked. About all sorts of things. Random things I can't remember. About Alex, the girl he likes so much. About his bus kids. About mine. His parents, apparently, had gone to Fairhaven and so he'd been there. What a small world.
I was afraid he'd be so tired. And I had to work a double. But I just didn't want him to go... because I knew we would never have this night again, like I would never have those nights with Levi again in Ukraine when he was there for me.
Three o'clock... four. His phone was dying. Then it died. But he texted me.
You know what?
What?
Just in case, you didn't know, you are beautiful.
Why do you say that?
Because it's true.
It's just very random. Thank you, though. I used to think I could be pretty until I broke my nose. Twice. Didn't have a doctor to set it. So I know it's not true =)
Well, I don't know. I just thought you might wanna know. And by the way, I mean more than just how you look. I mean who you are.
Thank you, Tim. I wish I'd have known you a long time ago. I have been praying for you since the day I met you! But I am so humbled that now, you would let me be a small part of your life.
You were praying for me?
Every. Single. Day. =) A year and a half now. =) Never missed once.
Why?
And I told him. Why. About Levi pointing him out. And then before it was quite time, Tim was ready to end things.
Goodnight, beautiful friend.
It was probably the most precious thing anyone has called me since Levi called me his snow princess. It made the tears start again.
Lala Salamba, Tim.
Levi, you would be so proud of Tim. You would be proud of your girl. Remember talking about Davina's ex-husband and how they all sat around at Christmas just talking, the pain and hurt restored? That's what this night felt like.
And Tim knew almost everything about me, and he called me a beautiful person. Rather than running and calling me crazy. It didn't make sense..... I was lost in the wonder of it all. I wish you were here to help me sort it out. I miss you. Tuck me in, Levi? Please?
Your star,
Rigel
Truths
Dear Levi,
1.16.2014
I couldn't keep the sense of wonder out of my day on Thursday. I kept looking at my phone, checking to see that his text messages were, in fact, right there on my phone. I squinted at them a couple of times and shook my head. It wasn't too farfetched to assume I was crazy enough to hallucinate something like that. Tim, friends with me? It was the most absurd, ridiculous thing in the world. He hated me. And I.... well, I didn't like him much myself, not when I was always crying just looking at him and thinking about Levi.
But it was real.
There they were, living proof.
He had been kind, courteous, and warm. I ran the conversation through my head. Why was it so perfect? Surely, I'd overlooked something.
It was a long day at work. I learned I wasn't going to win first place for homesaver, so I wouldn't be getting the television. That made me sad and a little bit upset, because my competitive streak doesn't like to come in second when I was so close to being first.
But God knew what he was doing.
When it was time to rush home and shower, I beat my record from the past two nights. I took the time to curl my hair tonight, and wore warm golds and chocolates. With the boots from Italy and my sapphire coat, I almost felt whole as I drove to campus, singing along to the radio. That is, if it wasn't for the gaping hole in my chest, where Levi's absense roars.
When I got to campus, he wasn't at the doors. That was okay. I wasn't sure that I could look him in the face and not look completely ridiculous, trying to figure out if I'd imagined the conversation or not. I picked up the pace, a bit more confident without him there, and then was surprised when it was him who opened it. Apparently, my vision is dying faster than I thought. Dang.
I shook his hand but I was trembling so badly. I wanted to rush on in and hide, but an old teacher was standing two feet in and shook my hand, then proceeded to engage me in conversation. I shrank back, knowing Tim would be overhearing it. Why was I so scared? Like he was going to explode and hurt me? I don't know. The flight instanct was overpowering my body, keeping me shaking.
When I finally managed to hide back in the grandstands, I prayed like crazy for God to calm me down. I sat next to Phoenix, the Hogues' teenage daughter, and helped engage her in conversation. They invited me to the very back row - I'd never sat there before - and I felt silly being so far up, but I couldn't convince them to move closer. Silly teenagers.
During the presenations, I had fifty dollars I took out of my savings to give. I gave it right away to the first presentor. But when the third man came up to present, I couldn't help but feel God whispering, "A computer, Noelle?"
I swallowed and realized I was trembling again. Stupid nerves.
"But God.... I'm scared. What if they don't use the money right? I've been saving so long."
God didn't really have to say anything. My argument was feeble enough. I stood and gave away another fifty. A whole hundred dollars, just like that. Gone.
But it felt so good. I felt peace in my heart, even excitement. What could God do with a freewill offering? I'd never given one so large before. The sermon was hard for me to follow... but I was sad when the conference ended.
Mandii texted me, asking if I was here. I told her yes. She said she was coming back from work, would I wait for her?
I hadn't seen her since before Christmas break. We barely spoke. It made me sad. She was my little freshman roommate to me, and I missed her. She had been so kind when Levi left me. She had really cared. And I missed her, her hugs.
I didn't see Tim anywhere, and I kicked myself for being such a coward. He had been so kind, and I had been so..... Noelle. Sigh.
I didn't want to stand around waiting for her inside the chapel, so I went outside to sit on the ledge by the steps like I used to in happier days. The stars were pretty and people were rushing around so no one paid attention to me. I looked up at the stars and let the peace of God's presence trickle down.
"Hey."
Holy crap. It was Tim Mickey, hesitantly approaching me from the darkness, up the ramp to tower above me. How had he found me?
I decided to stay as calm as possible. "How are you?"
"Good, how are you?"
"You know, I'm quite proud of us," I moved the conversation. "Do you realize that we had our first, nice, normal conversation?"
"It wasn't really a real conversation..." he began to debate playfully.
I rolled my eyes, undeterred. "There was a beginning, and an end, and words inbetween. That's a conversation. And it was all nice and kind. I'll take it."
"So how are you doing, really?"
Why did he care so much? I looked away, trying to figure out how to be honest but not scary. "Like the song? It is well with my soul? You know when he wrote it, he had lost his family at sea when the ship went down, his business, and Chicago was on fire. Just because there were trials going on, it was still okay. That's how I am. There's stuff I'm trying to cope with, but I'm okay, Tim. It is well with my soul."
He thought about it, then asked, "Well, what's your ship?"
I wanted to let my chin drop. It was such a direct, personal question. I couldn't fathom a reply because Mandii tapped my shoulder from behind.
"Um, hi." she looked in surprise and interest between me and Tim.
I took my escape.
"Mandii!" I threw my arms around her and hugged her tight, and huge tears jumped in my eyes. I couldn't explain it. It was like my heart was breaking. Tim, why did you have to ask? Why do you care? Why doesn't Levi?
She chatted for a moment, and Tim was hanging out in the shadows, still waiting.
There was no way I was going to be able to talk to him about things with Mandii there. And I owed it to Mandii to make her my priority, since she had asked to speak with me and Tim just happened on me on chance. As much as I longed to speak with Tim, I had to make a decision.
I turned to him as kindly and gently as I could. "Do you mind if we finish this conversation at another time?"
He raised his eyebrows but didn't protest. "Sure."
"Thanks." I smiled as softly as I could.
He turned and walked away. I grabbed Mandii in another hug and tried not to start bawling.
"Noelle, why are you crying!"
I began to laugh at her horror. This was going to be a good night. I couldn't talk to her about it, it was too personal. But I dragged her inside and asked her about her life and shared a few warm, happy hours with my old rommate, answering her questions, trying to gieve her godly counsel for her problems.
But I couldn't get Tim's question out of my mind.
"What is your ship, Noelle?"
Levi.
Always, only, my love for Levi.
I felt bad for turning Tim down. But I was so scared to talk to him. Scared to think about things. When Mandii went back to the dorms, I looked at my clock. It was still pretty early. I took a risk and sent him a casual text.
I'm still on camus if you want to finish that conversatio, but I know it's late...
I'm actually off campus as of now.
Oh. I was surprised that it was disappointment, not releif, flooding me. I was curious.
Hopefully, not walking?
lol of course not!
Just checking =)
Well if you wanna finish it, I'm all ears =)
I froze. Over the phone? It seemed so insignificant in regards to what we would be talking about. I would want to see his facial expressions so I could know how much, exactly, I should tell him about things.
You said these conversations don't count!
I was actually about to comment on how you say they do!
Beat you =)
I had to smile.
You did! Well maybe you can convince me that it does count =) lol I'm listening.
From whence comes your persistence?
That was the biggest question. Why did he want to know? What was he going to do with the knowledge? It was frightening.
You initially brought it up through the medium of text ;)
His flippancy wasn't helping my nerves. Plus, I was offended. He had said I was moping over Levi.... now he seemed to be suggesting I was trying to talk about my past. Which was the farthest from my intentions as possible.
Only because you always ask!
Okay then let's forget about it? What's up?
At least he wasn't going to fight about it, but I wasn't sure what to think. I decided to address the issue another way.
So the thing that puzzles me is while everyone accepts that I'm dealing with things, you don't. It's like you see right through me. Did you know that? Because it's scary.
What do you mean I see right through you?
I just told you! I sighed and tried to figure out how to reiterate it. I took the previous conversation as an example. Well. Like when I say it's fine like the songwriter said, it is well, but somehow you see the burning ship and most others don't.
Maybe I perceive what others don't. Why are you scared tho?
Why, why, indeed. How do you just tell the truth? I closed my eyes and sent the three words I knew would change everything.
Because I'm sick.
Sick.... sick..... a hundred horrible screaming demons in my head. Physically, yes, but also emotionally and maybe permanently. I let the tears begin to roll down my cheeks as I drove to Isola Bella and pulled into the pavilion parking lot, where I could watch the moonlight on the water.
How so?
Just two little words. It didn't tell me what he was thinking.
It's hard for me to talk about, Tim. And I barely know you. The one friend I had and trusted, he left me. So now I'm sicker and.... it's not make sense to trust someone again. I just know God is here and I hope I get to be with him soon.
Did that make sense? Yes, I'm sick. Yes, it's hopeless. But I'm okay. Because I can sit here at the lake and cry, and know Levi will never come back, but I still have the hope of heaven.
He didn't respond for a while. I decided to be even more honest, and let the bitterness creep in.
And I'm sorry, that when you talk to me you feel it gets your in trouble with your coworkers and friends. I'm sorry I'm still here. I wish I could disappear faster.
If only. I recalled him shutting the door in my face at the Hainlines, and the tears slipped down faster. Whey couldn't I slip into that lake and be gone?
My phone shook and I looked down to see his number, calling me.
I froze, panic and shock gripping me. I didn't want to talk to him on the phone.... I hate phone calls. But if I didn't answer, he was going to hit my voicemail and hear that message. Then what would he think of me? I made a snap decision and answered, but my voice was rough from crying and I leaned my head weakly against the steering wheel.
"What do you want, Tim?"
"Are you okay?"
I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. His care wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter, it wouldn't. Just a mirage in the desert. But how badly I longed for water.
"I'm fine."
"What did you mean, you're sick?"
"I'm sick. I have amsometropia. I'm going blind."
His message he must have sent just before calling came through.
So you were speaking metaphorically? Well I don't blame you for not wanting to trust me, but I can sincerely say I only have your best interst in mind.
And we talked.
I told him a little bit. About being sick. About being scared.
He was quiet. He listened. His voice was like a whisper over the line, so faint at times I could barely hear it. It made me frustrated to ask him to repeat himself but I didn't know him which made the missing lines even more confusing.
I wish I could have captured that conversation. It flew by like a whirlwind, shocking me. Slowly, gently, he managed to pry the truth from my frightened grasp. And he recited to me precious hymns. It will be worth it all. Psalm 91. Turns out, that is both of ours favorite chapters. I let the tears fall, and we talked for a very, long time. I don't even remember what all we covered. He promised it would stay between us, but I wasn't sure.
It felt good to tell him the truth, but it felt terrifying, too. I was afraid he'd get in trouble for being on the phone after curfew, but he laughed about it. How could he be an RA and so easily ignore that rule? It surprised me but I didn't mind. I just always thought he was a stickler for the rules. Good to know he was normal, too.
We talked about the moonlight on the lake. About heaven. It was so nice, so comforting, and eventually I realized I was completely calm again. Talking with Tim. What a marvel.
"You know what we should do?" I asked through the roughness of the previous tears.
"What?"
"We should try this in real life. A nice, good conversation in person."
He laughed and said something, but I didn't get it. Finally I did. "We need a girl."
"A girl?" I was puzzled. It was like he was speaking Greek. What did he mean?
"Yes, a girl. So we can talk and.... have someone there for testimony."
I wanted to laugh. Still wanting a third person in between us, did he? But I didn't want to argue. Who cares. We will never talk in person.
The phone call got disconnected I went back to texting. It was now after midnight, anyways.
Stupid phone. I need to get it fixed =(
lol it's okay =) I needed to go anyhow!
I love the last few chapters of Revelation, they're so exciting!
Well.... he should have said so. I already felt guilty about talking so long. He sent both text messages faster than I could reply to the first one. I'm sorry you should have said so. And why is that?
Because it talks about the new Jerusalem, and what it will be like.
Yes, it is fascinating, what lies again. And it's just a glimpse. What is your favorite book of the Bible?
I asked it tentatively.... the first time I inquired about anything about him. That significance wasn't lost on my fragile, frightened mind.
Psalms, Isaiah, Romans, Matthew, Colossians...... lol =) Yours?
Haha. Not a bad list. James =)
I like James! There are waaaaaay too many to choose from =)
So true =) Can I ask you something?
Sure =)
The verses I gave you, before. Did they help? I'd often wondered that.
I'll be honest, I didn't read all of them (I'm horrible, I know) but I really like the one in Jeremiah.
It's okay. I'll try not to judge you. lol I'm glad you got one, though.
I knew deep inside that he hadn't read all of them because the depth of his trial hadn't been as great and deep as mine is. But I wasn't going to point that out. He wouldn't understand. Would never understand.
I was back home, and got onto my email. I was surprised by an email on my account from Heartland.
lol My roommate is telling me his woes!!
I opened the email and shock hit me cold in the gut. He'd returned the pass and they were rejecting my payment.
Rejecting.
Rejecting.
Reversing.
Wiping away.
Huge tears welled up in my eyes and began to flow. He couldn't hear me now. I let the sobs rip loose as I curled up on my aching stomach and hid myself all alone in my world.
Wait. You returned your shuttle pass??!! Why did you do that???? ='(
That was the only waay. They wouldn't let me just give it away or something like that.
I sobbed. The tears and grief and anguish were too much. What was the point of the playful banter if deep down inside, he was rejecting me anyways? Writing me off? Making plans to reverse everything? It was so hard. I couldn't handle the pain but just lay there curled up and the tears soaked steadily into the mattress. Let me die, please. Why did I ever try? Why? The humiliation and despair was killing me.
Noelle, you're a blesing.
The message shone through the blurred redness of my sick, tired eyes. I looked at it, looked at how he used my name. Like Levi used to. But I couldn't hide the grief.
How is it so when you won't let me? ='(
It was just the thought for me, just knowing you thought of me.
I remembered Levi, how no one saw him. No one thought of him. The pain cut me in half. It was happening all over again. To see, to care, to be rejected. And no one sees me.
I think of you now. And like for the church planters, I want to help. To not know, are you safe? Walking 10th street at night? And you just.... forced it back? My heart hurts. And God will be angry with me.
I cried until I couldn't breathe anymore. Sad, quivering breaths straining into my burning lungs. THe stress wasn't good for my health. Not like this. Not ontop of everything else that was wearing me out.
Your heart shouldn't hurt over me, He is with me. I truly appreciate it, I don't always walk. Just sometimes.
God Isn't angry with you.
What would he know about God's wrath towards me? And I know it was only sometimes, that was the point of having the option of the pass if he wanted it. But I couldn't argue. I couldn't. It wouldn't make a difference, anyways.
I opened my eyes.... and it was later. I must have fallen asleep. I looked at his unreplying messages and tried to summon my thoughts. I couldn't. My heart was so heavy.
I'm sorry, I'm so tired. I think I fell asleep. I am sad that you did that. ='( Goodnight, Tim.
It was one o'clock in the morning.
I woke from a troubled, screaming nightmare when my phone trilled. Shimmering, sweet notes. Tim's preset. It was just before six o'clock. He was up early, and thinking of me.
That's okay cuz I was sleeping too. Don't be sad.
I couldn't reply. I curled back up and fell asleep again. I couldn't beleive he rejected it.
When I got to work, I decided to just send him a Bible verse. I couldn't change what he did. I was just going to have to cope. I'd known it would happen, anyways, hadn't I?
"My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord, in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee and will look up!" ~Psalm 5:3
He never responded.
Levi.... I need you hear. I'm so out of my league. Will you never, never talk to me again? Never?
Your star,
Rigel
1.16.2014
I couldn't keep the sense of wonder out of my day on Thursday. I kept looking at my phone, checking to see that his text messages were, in fact, right there on my phone. I squinted at them a couple of times and shook my head. It wasn't too farfetched to assume I was crazy enough to hallucinate something like that. Tim, friends with me? It was the most absurd, ridiculous thing in the world. He hated me. And I.... well, I didn't like him much myself, not when I was always crying just looking at him and thinking about Levi.
But it was real.
There they were, living proof.
He had been kind, courteous, and warm. I ran the conversation through my head. Why was it so perfect? Surely, I'd overlooked something.
It was a long day at work. I learned I wasn't going to win first place for homesaver, so I wouldn't be getting the television. That made me sad and a little bit upset, because my competitive streak doesn't like to come in second when I was so close to being first.
But God knew what he was doing.
When it was time to rush home and shower, I beat my record from the past two nights. I took the time to curl my hair tonight, and wore warm golds and chocolates. With the boots from Italy and my sapphire coat, I almost felt whole as I drove to campus, singing along to the radio. That is, if it wasn't for the gaping hole in my chest, where Levi's absense roars.
When I got to campus, he wasn't at the doors. That was okay. I wasn't sure that I could look him in the face and not look completely ridiculous, trying to figure out if I'd imagined the conversation or not. I picked up the pace, a bit more confident without him there, and then was surprised when it was him who opened it. Apparently, my vision is dying faster than I thought. Dang.
I shook his hand but I was trembling so badly. I wanted to rush on in and hide, but an old teacher was standing two feet in and shook my hand, then proceeded to engage me in conversation. I shrank back, knowing Tim would be overhearing it. Why was I so scared? Like he was going to explode and hurt me? I don't know. The flight instanct was overpowering my body, keeping me shaking.
When I finally managed to hide back in the grandstands, I prayed like crazy for God to calm me down. I sat next to Phoenix, the Hogues' teenage daughter, and helped engage her in conversation. They invited me to the very back row - I'd never sat there before - and I felt silly being so far up, but I couldn't convince them to move closer. Silly teenagers.
During the presenations, I had fifty dollars I took out of my savings to give. I gave it right away to the first presentor. But when the third man came up to present, I couldn't help but feel God whispering, "A computer, Noelle?"
I swallowed and realized I was trembling again. Stupid nerves.
"But God.... I'm scared. What if they don't use the money right? I've been saving so long."
God didn't really have to say anything. My argument was feeble enough. I stood and gave away another fifty. A whole hundred dollars, just like that. Gone.
But it felt so good. I felt peace in my heart, even excitement. What could God do with a freewill offering? I'd never given one so large before. The sermon was hard for me to follow... but I was sad when the conference ended.
Mandii texted me, asking if I was here. I told her yes. She said she was coming back from work, would I wait for her?
I hadn't seen her since before Christmas break. We barely spoke. It made me sad. She was my little freshman roommate to me, and I missed her. She had been so kind when Levi left me. She had really cared. And I missed her, her hugs.
I didn't see Tim anywhere, and I kicked myself for being such a coward. He had been so kind, and I had been so..... Noelle. Sigh.
I didn't want to stand around waiting for her inside the chapel, so I went outside to sit on the ledge by the steps like I used to in happier days. The stars were pretty and people were rushing around so no one paid attention to me. I looked up at the stars and let the peace of God's presence trickle down.
"Hey."
Holy crap. It was Tim Mickey, hesitantly approaching me from the darkness, up the ramp to tower above me. How had he found me?
I decided to stay as calm as possible. "How are you?"
"Good, how are you?"
"You know, I'm quite proud of us," I moved the conversation. "Do you realize that we had our first, nice, normal conversation?"
"It wasn't really a real conversation..." he began to debate playfully.
I rolled my eyes, undeterred. "There was a beginning, and an end, and words inbetween. That's a conversation. And it was all nice and kind. I'll take it."
"So how are you doing, really?"
Why did he care so much? I looked away, trying to figure out how to be honest but not scary. "Like the song? It is well with my soul? You know when he wrote it, he had lost his family at sea when the ship went down, his business, and Chicago was on fire. Just because there were trials going on, it was still okay. That's how I am. There's stuff I'm trying to cope with, but I'm okay, Tim. It is well with my soul."
He thought about it, then asked, "Well, what's your ship?"
I wanted to let my chin drop. It was such a direct, personal question. I couldn't fathom a reply because Mandii tapped my shoulder from behind.
"Um, hi." she looked in surprise and interest between me and Tim.
I took my escape.
"Mandii!" I threw my arms around her and hugged her tight, and huge tears jumped in my eyes. I couldn't explain it. It was like my heart was breaking. Tim, why did you have to ask? Why do you care? Why doesn't Levi?
She chatted for a moment, and Tim was hanging out in the shadows, still waiting.
There was no way I was going to be able to talk to him about things with Mandii there. And I owed it to Mandii to make her my priority, since she had asked to speak with me and Tim just happened on me on chance. As much as I longed to speak with Tim, I had to make a decision.
I turned to him as kindly and gently as I could. "Do you mind if we finish this conversation at another time?"
He raised his eyebrows but didn't protest. "Sure."
"Thanks." I smiled as softly as I could.
He turned and walked away. I grabbed Mandii in another hug and tried not to start bawling.
"Noelle, why are you crying!"
I began to laugh at her horror. This was going to be a good night. I couldn't talk to her about it, it was too personal. But I dragged her inside and asked her about her life and shared a few warm, happy hours with my old rommate, answering her questions, trying to gieve her godly counsel for her problems.
But I couldn't get Tim's question out of my mind.
"What is your ship, Noelle?"
Levi.
Always, only, my love for Levi.
I felt bad for turning Tim down. But I was so scared to talk to him. Scared to think about things. When Mandii went back to the dorms, I looked at my clock. It was still pretty early. I took a risk and sent him a casual text.
I'm still on camus if you want to finish that conversatio, but I know it's late...
I'm actually off campus as of now.
Oh. I was surprised that it was disappointment, not releif, flooding me. I was curious.
Hopefully, not walking?
lol of course not!
Just checking =)
Well if you wanna finish it, I'm all ears =)
I froze. Over the phone? It seemed so insignificant in regards to what we would be talking about. I would want to see his facial expressions so I could know how much, exactly, I should tell him about things.
You said these conversations don't count!
I was actually about to comment on how you say they do!
Beat you =)
I had to smile.
You did! Well maybe you can convince me that it does count =) lol I'm listening.
From whence comes your persistence?
That was the biggest question. Why did he want to know? What was he going to do with the knowledge? It was frightening.
You initially brought it up through the medium of text ;)
His flippancy wasn't helping my nerves. Plus, I was offended. He had said I was moping over Levi.... now he seemed to be suggesting I was trying to talk about my past. Which was the farthest from my intentions as possible.
Only because you always ask!
Okay then let's forget about it? What's up?
At least he wasn't going to fight about it, but I wasn't sure what to think. I decided to address the issue another way.
So the thing that puzzles me is while everyone accepts that I'm dealing with things, you don't. It's like you see right through me. Did you know that? Because it's scary.
What do you mean I see right through you?
I just told you! I sighed and tried to figure out how to reiterate it. I took the previous conversation as an example. Well. Like when I say it's fine like the songwriter said, it is well, but somehow you see the burning ship and most others don't.
Maybe I perceive what others don't. Why are you scared tho?
Why, why, indeed. How do you just tell the truth? I closed my eyes and sent the three words I knew would change everything.
Because I'm sick.
Sick.... sick..... a hundred horrible screaming demons in my head. Physically, yes, but also emotionally and maybe permanently. I let the tears begin to roll down my cheeks as I drove to Isola Bella and pulled into the pavilion parking lot, where I could watch the moonlight on the water.
How so?
Just two little words. It didn't tell me what he was thinking.
It's hard for me to talk about, Tim. And I barely know you. The one friend I had and trusted, he left me. So now I'm sicker and.... it's not make sense to trust someone again. I just know God is here and I hope I get to be with him soon.
Did that make sense? Yes, I'm sick. Yes, it's hopeless. But I'm okay. Because I can sit here at the lake and cry, and know Levi will never come back, but I still have the hope of heaven.
He didn't respond for a while. I decided to be even more honest, and let the bitterness creep in.
And I'm sorry, that when you talk to me you feel it gets your in trouble with your coworkers and friends. I'm sorry I'm still here. I wish I could disappear faster.
If only. I recalled him shutting the door in my face at the Hainlines, and the tears slipped down faster. Whey couldn't I slip into that lake and be gone?
My phone shook and I looked down to see his number, calling me.
I froze, panic and shock gripping me. I didn't want to talk to him on the phone.... I hate phone calls. But if I didn't answer, he was going to hit my voicemail and hear that message. Then what would he think of me? I made a snap decision and answered, but my voice was rough from crying and I leaned my head weakly against the steering wheel.
"What do you want, Tim?"
"Are you okay?"
I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. His care wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter, it wouldn't. Just a mirage in the desert. But how badly I longed for water.
"I'm fine."
"What did you mean, you're sick?"
"I'm sick. I have amsometropia. I'm going blind."
His message he must have sent just before calling came through.
So you were speaking metaphorically? Well I don't blame you for not wanting to trust me, but I can sincerely say I only have your best interst in mind.
And we talked.
I told him a little bit. About being sick. About being scared.
He was quiet. He listened. His voice was like a whisper over the line, so faint at times I could barely hear it. It made me frustrated to ask him to repeat himself but I didn't know him which made the missing lines even more confusing.
I wish I could have captured that conversation. It flew by like a whirlwind, shocking me. Slowly, gently, he managed to pry the truth from my frightened grasp. And he recited to me precious hymns. It will be worth it all. Psalm 91. Turns out, that is both of ours favorite chapters. I let the tears fall, and we talked for a very, long time. I don't even remember what all we covered. He promised it would stay between us, but I wasn't sure.
It felt good to tell him the truth, but it felt terrifying, too. I was afraid he'd get in trouble for being on the phone after curfew, but he laughed about it. How could he be an RA and so easily ignore that rule? It surprised me but I didn't mind. I just always thought he was a stickler for the rules. Good to know he was normal, too.
We talked about the moonlight on the lake. About heaven. It was so nice, so comforting, and eventually I realized I was completely calm again. Talking with Tim. What a marvel.
"You know what we should do?" I asked through the roughness of the previous tears.
"What?"
"We should try this in real life. A nice, good conversation in person."
He laughed and said something, but I didn't get it. Finally I did. "We need a girl."
"A girl?" I was puzzled. It was like he was speaking Greek. What did he mean?
"Yes, a girl. So we can talk and.... have someone there for testimony."
I wanted to laugh. Still wanting a third person in between us, did he? But I didn't want to argue. Who cares. We will never talk in person.
The phone call got disconnected I went back to texting. It was now after midnight, anyways.
Stupid phone. I need to get it fixed =(
lol it's okay =) I needed to go anyhow!
I love the last few chapters of Revelation, they're so exciting!
Well.... he should have said so. I already felt guilty about talking so long. He sent both text messages faster than I could reply to the first one. I'm sorry you should have said so. And why is that?
Because it talks about the new Jerusalem, and what it will be like.
Yes, it is fascinating, what lies again. And it's just a glimpse. What is your favorite book of the Bible?
I asked it tentatively.... the first time I inquired about anything about him. That significance wasn't lost on my fragile, frightened mind.
Psalms, Isaiah, Romans, Matthew, Colossians...... lol =) Yours?
Haha. Not a bad list. James =)
I like James! There are waaaaaay too many to choose from =)
So true =) Can I ask you something?
Sure =)
The verses I gave you, before. Did they help? I'd often wondered that.
I'll be honest, I didn't read all of them (I'm horrible, I know) but I really like the one in Jeremiah.
It's okay. I'll try not to judge you. lol I'm glad you got one, though.
I knew deep inside that he hadn't read all of them because the depth of his trial hadn't been as great and deep as mine is. But I wasn't going to point that out. He wouldn't understand. Would never understand.
I was back home, and got onto my email. I was surprised by an email on my account from Heartland.
lol My roommate is telling me his woes!!
I opened the email and shock hit me cold in the gut. He'd returned the pass and they were rejecting my payment.
Rejecting.
Rejecting.
Reversing.
Wiping away.
Huge tears welled up in my eyes and began to flow. He couldn't hear me now. I let the sobs rip loose as I curled up on my aching stomach and hid myself all alone in my world.
Wait. You returned your shuttle pass??!! Why did you do that???? ='(
That was the only waay. They wouldn't let me just give it away or something like that.
I sobbed. The tears and grief and anguish were too much. What was the point of the playful banter if deep down inside, he was rejecting me anyways? Writing me off? Making plans to reverse everything? It was so hard. I couldn't handle the pain but just lay there curled up and the tears soaked steadily into the mattress. Let me die, please. Why did I ever try? Why? The humiliation and despair was killing me.
Noelle, you're a blesing.
The message shone through the blurred redness of my sick, tired eyes. I looked at it, looked at how he used my name. Like Levi used to. But I couldn't hide the grief.
How is it so when you won't let me? ='(
It was just the thought for me, just knowing you thought of me.
I remembered Levi, how no one saw him. No one thought of him. The pain cut me in half. It was happening all over again. To see, to care, to be rejected. And no one sees me.
I think of you now. And like for the church planters, I want to help. To not know, are you safe? Walking 10th street at night? And you just.... forced it back? My heart hurts. And God will be angry with me.
I cried until I couldn't breathe anymore. Sad, quivering breaths straining into my burning lungs. THe stress wasn't good for my health. Not like this. Not ontop of everything else that was wearing me out.
Your heart shouldn't hurt over me, He is with me. I truly appreciate it, I don't always walk. Just sometimes.
God Isn't angry with you.
What would he know about God's wrath towards me? And I know it was only sometimes, that was the point of having the option of the pass if he wanted it. But I couldn't argue. I couldn't. It wouldn't make a difference, anyways.
I opened my eyes.... and it was later. I must have fallen asleep. I looked at his unreplying messages and tried to summon my thoughts. I couldn't. My heart was so heavy.
I'm sorry, I'm so tired. I think I fell asleep. I am sad that you did that. ='( Goodnight, Tim.
It was one o'clock in the morning.
I woke from a troubled, screaming nightmare when my phone trilled. Shimmering, sweet notes. Tim's preset. It was just before six o'clock. He was up early, and thinking of me.
That's okay cuz I was sleeping too. Don't be sad.
I couldn't reply. I curled back up and fell asleep again. I couldn't beleive he rejected it.
When I got to work, I decided to just send him a Bible verse. I couldn't change what he did. I was just going to have to cope. I'd known it would happen, anyways, hadn't I?
"My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord, in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee and will look up!" ~Psalm 5:3
He never responded.
Levi.... I need you hear. I'm so out of my league. Will you never, never talk to me again? Never?
Your star,
Rigel
Friday, January 17, 2014
Texting
Dear Levi,
1.15.14
Remember how you once told me that you didn't want anyone to have a chance to think badly of me? I kept thinking about Lenichka's disapproving eyes as she looked at Tim walking away to join his friends. As unfair as it was, I felt guilty. He could hurt me... I was used to it. But I'd never hurt him before, and he wouldn't be used to it. I was going to destroy the testimony I am trying to build.
So as much as I didn't want to, on the way to IHOP with the Hogues, I decided to respond to his dormant, yet unanswered question.
That means yes, I presume. Why did you do that?
So I thought out a good response for what had transpired. And then I said a prayer, and squeezed my eyes, and sent it.
I believe my words have been unkind to you, and I do not intend for them to be so. I was unprepared for you tonight. I am so sorry.
That said it best. Unprepared. It's not like I expected him to stalk me on the front row of the balcony over something that had been anonymously done.
He didn't take too long to respond, which surprised me.
Don't worry about it. You're fine! =)
I stared dubiously at that. Why the exclamation point? He wasn't ever exclaimable when talking to me. Was the smile for reassurance, or was he really happy about the whole thing? I opted for caution.
Sure?
Are you okay?
That responding text surprised me. What in the world, Tim. I was asking about you, and you go hand me that penetrating question again! Why do you always ask that? Why? It's not like you ask "how are you" which has a completely different connotation. And it leaves the sense that something is not okay.
I tried to balance texting with talking to the Hogues. It was the worst possible time to be texting Tim for the first time, because they were delayed and I couldn't concentrate too much. While I was figuring out where in the world that question came from, he followed it up.
Ya. =)
Really though, are you ok?
Oh. I suddenly understood. That was in response to my question, and then he must have been wondering about my sanity before I asked him if he was sure everything was fine between us. Texts were just delayed. What was I supposed to tell him? It was simpler to tell him, "Yes, it's all great!" but that felt so wrong. He should know. He just should.
But why did he always ask? It bothered me. Part of me still wondered if he was on a scouting mission for Levi.... or Anna.... or what.
Every time you see me, you ask me that. Have I a sign over my head that I can't see?
I don't know, I sense something though. Maybe I'm wrong?
Or maybe you're just perceptive. Are you okay?
I would give him the tiniest admission that he was right, that he didn't need to second guess himself. But I wasn't comfortable talking about it. It would just make our relationship so complicated, and all I want is a simple, normal friendship. I hoped my question would distract him.
God is soooooo good to me! He's working on my heart about some stuff, but I'm doing awesome! He's so faithful!
I was jealous of his answer. It was so evasive. Honest enough to admit some things were going on, but with a major emphasis on God in his life. And, I decided, he must be an exclamation point guy in texting. Hmm. Who'd have known.
What's wrong?
Dang. I hadn't responded fast enough. What was his problem! I quickly sent out the response I'd been trying to text between answering questions at the dinner table.
I'm glad to hear that. He is very, very good all of the time. =)
There. That was pretty good, right? Left no elusion to anything else. And a smiley face.
Well, if you ever need to talk, I'm willing to listen.
Ha. Success. He was backing down. But I got engaged in the conversation going on in real life, and saw another text before I could respond. Seriously.
And if you ever need a friend........
That scared me.
Why the trail of dots? What did that hanging sentence imply? And why was he offering his friendship, as if I didn't have friends already? As if something was lacking in my life? And he was just continuing to pull at the question I would never answer, are you really okay.
I was so tired of this. I just sent truth. The truth in a small nutshell. Not the, 'Tim, I'm heartbroken over Levi and I'm dying inside over Anna and I'm thinking about killing myself all of the time, but I know I can't and I'm afraid I'm going crazy.'
I sent to words.
Just scared.
Like a whisper from a child. From the little Noelle that Levi abandoned. Would he hear it? Would he know it meant so much more?
Of what?
HIs question was to the point. Hard to figure out what he thought of my reply. Either he was waiting until he had more facts to make a decision, or maybe it was just curiosity. Or something. I couldn't figure it out. I would have to be more evasive. Because there was no way I was telling him what I was scared of. Of my nightmares, waking up soaked in sweat from servicing a mortgagor account to Levi and Anna's home in Washington. The screams for Levi, the nightmares about kissing Tim. There was no way.
The past.... and the future. And the present, too.
I said it like that. Because he knew the past; he might guess the future. And it would confirm there was something going on. But I needed to redirect the conversation.
Can I ask something of you?
Sure.
No questions, no attacking what I had just said. Just a calm reply. It helped me be honest.
Can we just start over fresh? Like we never knew each other.... before?
Why?
His question surprised me. Surely he would get the point! It would be so much simpler if we weren't always hurting each other! Or him... hurting me, which caused me.... to hurt him back. But if it made no difference to him, then he needed to get the point that things were not okay for me how they were between us now. That the past wasn't a flippant issue to me.
It would be easier for me.
Please, Tim. Please.
I've never had anything against you, noel, don't think that way.... but if that's what you wish....
All those leading dots again. Driving my mind crazy wondering where they lead. Why did he always defend himself? At some point, I expected him to give in and coincide that maybe, maybe, he could see all the damage he'd done. He never could. And it blamed it on my perspective, my thinking. I couldn't blame him, but it made me feel even farther away from him on poles of thinking. At least he was agreeing, to an extent, apparently grudgingly so.
I couldn't do it anymore. Just seeing him write my name, the way he used it in a sentence... it brought back too many memories of Levi using it before he started calling my his princess. He used to call me Noelle, all the time. I loved it. He even wrote that blog post about my name, my favorite post ever. And seeing Tim use it, just as deliberately.... I was going to start sobbing soon. I grasped at humor to help save the conversation.
Well, if we are going to be friends, I need you to do one thing for me ok?
What's that?
My name is Noelle. =) It's French. So now you can spell it right. =)
I was slightly offended at the thought that he probably stored my number in his phone spelled wrong. Didn't he notice my signature on the card I gave him? Ugh. Noelle is so much more feminine!
Well Noelle, my name is Tim and I can't spell! So I'm going to fix that. =) how are you?
There we go. An easy, simple question. Day saved. I couldn't help but smile at his exclamation points. I kept trying to picture how he would say it in real life, but I couldn't.
I'm amused, at the moment. =) How are you?
How so? I'm ever so blessed.
I loved how he said it. So.... vintage, so perfect. So much like Levi.
I hope you are always this optimistic, it's infectious. =)
I try to be. =) but hey we all have bad days, right?
Bad years, too. I couldn't help being Eyore.
But with Jesus we have hope for tomorrow!
Ha. I have lived for so many tomorrows, Tim, and they never come. I couldn't help the sadness. How could it be deteriorating so soon? I tried to keep it hidden.
Amen. =)
There. A simple, happy statement. I returned to the conversation at the table. I was surprised when I saw another message, on a completely different note.
Hang in there, friend. The teacher is always quiet during a test.
What in the world. Still hammering at me that I'm not okay. Part of me hated it... part of me desperately needed it.
Thank you. =) Maybe someday we will talk about it. =)
Which was code for, I can't talk about it now. Please stop referring to the pain I'm in. Please. Act like everything's okay like everyone else. Isn't it easier to have conversations that way, anyways?
Perhaps, until then, remain faithful to God and He will remain faithful to you.
He was dismissing it, too. That felt good, but still wary. It felt too elusive. Yes he is. Is there anything I can do for you?
I wasn't sure what else to say. I didn't know him. So it was easiest to deviate to formality.
I really don't think so.
A nice, definite line. Well, I could live with that. Still, I wanted to try to let him know that I wanted to be his friend, too. I felt that he said it more than I ever did.
Mmmk. Well, I'm here for you too, you know. If you ever need a friend.
Thanks! Well, I hope you have a wonderful night! Lala salamba! (Sleep peacefully) ;)
I was surprised by the abrupt close. But this conversation was already unbelievably long. I had to just be grateful. And that he ended it in African.... it touched me. He was sharing a part of himself. The winked face confused me, but I focused on the words. Peacefully. Sleep. lala. It was so lulling and soothing. I hate Africans but.... I loved that phrase.
You too.... Spokoinoin nochi. =)
He didn't respond or comment. I didn't know why but I decided I would never know. I would never understand this young man, if I tried forever.
I drove home late that night and crawled into bed, utterly exhausted. Why had he talked to me? Why had he been so..... nice? It was funny and sad and terribly wonderful all the same time, that our first simple, gentle conversation from start to finish had been through the medium of texting. Did it count? Maybe I was just a person who couldn't be loved in real life. Maybe that's why Levi loved me through letters but rejected me, ultimately, in person. It made me sad as I held onto my pillows and let the tears fall.
Why did you stop loving me, Levi? Why didn't you give me a second chance?
I said the words in my head over and over until I fell asleep.
Lala salamba. Lala salamba.
Goodnight, Levi.
Your star,
Rigel
1.15.14
Remember how you once told me that you didn't want anyone to have a chance to think badly of me? I kept thinking about Lenichka's disapproving eyes as she looked at Tim walking away to join his friends. As unfair as it was, I felt guilty. He could hurt me... I was used to it. But I'd never hurt him before, and he wouldn't be used to it. I was going to destroy the testimony I am trying to build.
So as much as I didn't want to, on the way to IHOP with the Hogues, I decided to respond to his dormant, yet unanswered question.
That means yes, I presume. Why did you do that?
So I thought out a good response for what had transpired. And then I said a prayer, and squeezed my eyes, and sent it.
I believe my words have been unkind to you, and I do not intend for them to be so. I was unprepared for you tonight. I am so sorry.
That said it best. Unprepared. It's not like I expected him to stalk me on the front row of the balcony over something that had been anonymously done.
He didn't take too long to respond, which surprised me.
Don't worry about it. You're fine! =)
I stared dubiously at that. Why the exclamation point? He wasn't ever exclaimable when talking to me. Was the smile for reassurance, or was he really happy about the whole thing? I opted for caution.
Sure?
Are you okay?
That responding text surprised me. What in the world, Tim. I was asking about you, and you go hand me that penetrating question again! Why do you always ask that? Why? It's not like you ask "how are you" which has a completely different connotation. And it leaves the sense that something is not okay.
I tried to balance texting with talking to the Hogues. It was the worst possible time to be texting Tim for the first time, because they were delayed and I couldn't concentrate too much. While I was figuring out where in the world that question came from, he followed it up.
Ya. =)
Really though, are you ok?
Oh. I suddenly understood. That was in response to my question, and then he must have been wondering about my sanity before I asked him if he was sure everything was fine between us. Texts were just delayed. What was I supposed to tell him? It was simpler to tell him, "Yes, it's all great!" but that felt so wrong. He should know. He just should.
But why did he always ask? It bothered me. Part of me still wondered if he was on a scouting mission for Levi.... or Anna.... or what.
Every time you see me, you ask me that. Have I a sign over my head that I can't see?
I don't know, I sense something though. Maybe I'm wrong?
Or maybe you're just perceptive. Are you okay?
I would give him the tiniest admission that he was right, that he didn't need to second guess himself. But I wasn't comfortable talking about it. It would just make our relationship so complicated, and all I want is a simple, normal friendship. I hoped my question would distract him.
God is soooooo good to me! He's working on my heart about some stuff, but I'm doing awesome! He's so faithful!
I was jealous of his answer. It was so evasive. Honest enough to admit some things were going on, but with a major emphasis on God in his life. And, I decided, he must be an exclamation point guy in texting. Hmm. Who'd have known.
What's wrong?
Dang. I hadn't responded fast enough. What was his problem! I quickly sent out the response I'd been trying to text between answering questions at the dinner table.
I'm glad to hear that. He is very, very good all of the time. =)
There. That was pretty good, right? Left no elusion to anything else. And a smiley face.
Well, if you ever need to talk, I'm willing to listen.
Ha. Success. He was backing down. But I got engaged in the conversation going on in real life, and saw another text before I could respond. Seriously.
And if you ever need a friend........
That scared me.
Why the trail of dots? What did that hanging sentence imply? And why was he offering his friendship, as if I didn't have friends already? As if something was lacking in my life? And he was just continuing to pull at the question I would never answer, are you really okay.
I was so tired of this. I just sent truth. The truth in a small nutshell. Not the, 'Tim, I'm heartbroken over Levi and I'm dying inside over Anna and I'm thinking about killing myself all of the time, but I know I can't and I'm afraid I'm going crazy.'
I sent to words.
Just scared.
Like a whisper from a child. From the little Noelle that Levi abandoned. Would he hear it? Would he know it meant so much more?
Of what?
HIs question was to the point. Hard to figure out what he thought of my reply. Either he was waiting until he had more facts to make a decision, or maybe it was just curiosity. Or something. I couldn't figure it out. I would have to be more evasive. Because there was no way I was telling him what I was scared of. Of my nightmares, waking up soaked in sweat from servicing a mortgagor account to Levi and Anna's home in Washington. The screams for Levi, the nightmares about kissing Tim. There was no way.
The past.... and the future. And the present, too.
I said it like that. Because he knew the past; he might guess the future. And it would confirm there was something going on. But I needed to redirect the conversation.
Can I ask something of you?
Sure.
No questions, no attacking what I had just said. Just a calm reply. It helped me be honest.
Can we just start over fresh? Like we never knew each other.... before?
Why?
His question surprised me. Surely he would get the point! It would be so much simpler if we weren't always hurting each other! Or him... hurting me, which caused me.... to hurt him back. But if it made no difference to him, then he needed to get the point that things were not okay for me how they were between us now. That the past wasn't a flippant issue to me.
It would be easier for me.
Please, Tim. Please.
I've never had anything against you, noel, don't think that way.... but if that's what you wish....
All those leading dots again. Driving my mind crazy wondering where they lead. Why did he always defend himself? At some point, I expected him to give in and coincide that maybe, maybe, he could see all the damage he'd done. He never could. And it blamed it on my perspective, my thinking. I couldn't blame him, but it made me feel even farther away from him on poles of thinking. At least he was agreeing, to an extent, apparently grudgingly so.
I couldn't do it anymore. Just seeing him write my name, the way he used it in a sentence... it brought back too many memories of Levi using it before he started calling my his princess. He used to call me Noelle, all the time. I loved it. He even wrote that blog post about my name, my favorite post ever. And seeing Tim use it, just as deliberately.... I was going to start sobbing soon. I grasped at humor to help save the conversation.
Well, if we are going to be friends, I need you to do one thing for me ok?
What's that?
My name is Noelle. =) It's French. So now you can spell it right. =)
I was slightly offended at the thought that he probably stored my number in his phone spelled wrong. Didn't he notice my signature on the card I gave him? Ugh. Noelle is so much more feminine!
Well Noelle, my name is Tim and I can't spell! So I'm going to fix that. =) how are you?
There we go. An easy, simple question. Day saved. I couldn't help but smile at his exclamation points. I kept trying to picture how he would say it in real life, but I couldn't.
I'm amused, at the moment. =) How are you?
How so? I'm ever so blessed.
I loved how he said it. So.... vintage, so perfect. So much like Levi.
I hope you are always this optimistic, it's infectious. =)
I try to be. =) but hey we all have bad days, right?
Bad years, too. I couldn't help being Eyore.
But with Jesus we have hope for tomorrow!
Ha. I have lived for so many tomorrows, Tim, and they never come. I couldn't help the sadness. How could it be deteriorating so soon? I tried to keep it hidden.
Amen. =)
There. A simple, happy statement. I returned to the conversation at the table. I was surprised when I saw another message, on a completely different note.
Hang in there, friend. The teacher is always quiet during a test.
What in the world. Still hammering at me that I'm not okay. Part of me hated it... part of me desperately needed it.
Thank you. =) Maybe someday we will talk about it. =)
Which was code for, I can't talk about it now. Please stop referring to the pain I'm in. Please. Act like everything's okay like everyone else. Isn't it easier to have conversations that way, anyways?
Perhaps, until then, remain faithful to God and He will remain faithful to you.
He was dismissing it, too. That felt good, but still wary. It felt too elusive. Yes he is. Is there anything I can do for you?
I wasn't sure what else to say. I didn't know him. So it was easiest to deviate to formality.
I really don't think so.
A nice, definite line. Well, I could live with that. Still, I wanted to try to let him know that I wanted to be his friend, too. I felt that he said it more than I ever did.
Mmmk. Well, I'm here for you too, you know. If you ever need a friend.
Thanks! Well, I hope you have a wonderful night! Lala salamba! (Sleep peacefully) ;)
I was surprised by the abrupt close. But this conversation was already unbelievably long. I had to just be grateful. And that he ended it in African.... it touched me. He was sharing a part of himself. The winked face confused me, but I focused on the words. Peacefully. Sleep. lala. It was so lulling and soothing. I hate Africans but.... I loved that phrase.
You too.... Spokoinoin nochi. =)
He didn't respond or comment. I didn't know why but I decided I would never know. I would never understand this young man, if I tried forever.
I drove home late that night and crawled into bed, utterly exhausted. Why had he talked to me? Why had he been so..... nice? It was funny and sad and terribly wonderful all the same time, that our first simple, gentle conversation from start to finish had been through the medium of texting. Did it count? Maybe I was just a person who couldn't be loved in real life. Maybe that's why Levi loved me through letters but rejected me, ultimately, in person. It made me sad as I held onto my pillows and let the tears fall.
Why did you stop loving me, Levi? Why didn't you give me a second chance?
I said the words in my head over and over until I fell asleep.
Lala salamba. Lala salamba.
Goodnight, Levi.
Your star,
Rigel
Shuttle Pass
Dear Levi,
1.15.2014
You should have loved the sermon tonight! It was so funny, but so encouraging. The preacher is serving in the ghetto part of Philly, and he is so rough around the edges but God is doing so much through him! He prayed about God standing on the sidewalk with a cardboard sign saying, 'Will work!" and how most people drive on by preoccupied by controlling their own life. But that if we let him work, then he will do the impossible. It was the verse, Now to him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we can ask or think..."
It was a strange day. All I could think about was Tim walking back home along 10th street. About his giving at the conference. And about how much I couldn't stand him. It was ripping me apart.
At lunch, I paced back and forth. I decided to call the college and see, just see, if it was even possible to purchase a shuttle pass for another student. They were on lunch, lovely. I went back to work but God didn't let it go.
What if that was Levi?
What if that was Steven?
What if someone knew and they did nothing, what would you think of her?
And he had blessed me with such a big bonus this month. I needed every dollar for my computer. But what was that luxury when some people didn't even have the basics? And they were giving of their money, and I was not? It was so unfair.
I didn't want to give another penny towards another person. After all I spend and saved and sacrificed for Levi. The coats... the sweaters... the shirts... and food... the Things Remembered gifts... the souvenirs from Ukraine... all that money, just gone. And nothing but his hatred to show for it, and my lonely howling heart. The bitterness ran deep.
And I didn't want to care. I was so tired of caring for people and not being cared for back. It's just not worth it. It hurts so much, Levi. Why did you stop loving me? Why did Andri? I will never understand it, not till the day I die.
I didn't want to care. I didn't want to feel anything in my dead, hollow heart. Because I know where that leads. It leads to investing, and my investments run up dry.
But God wouldn't let me alone. And finally I requested an extra afternoon break and ran to make one more call to Heartland. Shuttle has gone up, fro 40 to 60. Ouch. I gritted my teeth and gave my card number. He didn't have a pass, and this one would be good till mid-February, through the end of Oklahoma's cold winter. It would be enough.
I walked back to my desk, and wiped the tears away. I was crying, because I was scared. Scared of what God wants from me. Scared of the future. Scared, scared. Of being hurt again.
By the end of the job, God had given me his peace.
I can't explain it. It was like he just wrapped me in the softest blanket, and filled my heart with calm. And I was able to be still, and recognize that this was good for me. To help battle that hatred in my heart against him for the past. And maybe that was the whole point. All I know is, God would be pleased. This was the right thing to do.
I ran home, and was rushing around to get ready. Excitement began to course through my veins at the thought of church. Of another sermon. Of hearing from God, and being able to sing. To sing.
I was just out of the shower when my phone trilled.
Trilled, not beeped.
Trilled, because I had cautiously defaulted Tim's ringtone to be distinct, to warn me.
Could it be possible? He actually decided to text me?
I was scared to look. So scared, I didn't at first. Until it trilled again. Then my curiosity got the better of me and I took precious seconds away from the vanity sink to run and check my phone.
His words took me off guard. They were so fast.
Might you perchance know something of a shuttle pass?
That might seem vague but I think you know what I'm talking about.
I stared at the two messages, a bit stunned. He had it already? That was crazy fast. And how did he know it was me? I figured it wasn't too big a jump of a guess, but, why break the silence barrier and just text me for the first time ever of it? He didn't sound happy.... which confused and worried me. I decided to keep my mouth shut.
I plead the 5th. As an American in citizenship, I have such constitutional rights even if I'm from Ukraine. =)
I added a smiley face for good measure. Made sure my spelling was right. Then I dashed around getting ready again. I was in the car when I got his reply, the sound shimmering and hovering the in air like a beautiful alarm. I was afraid to look.
that means yes, I presume. Why did you do that?
Why.
Not, thank you.
Just why.
I gritted my teeth and shoved the phone into the purse. Tears were welling up in my eyes. Why? Why? Why? What a question. As if I don't have that question myself. Why couldn't he just say thank you and leave it alone? Why couldn't he just not ask at all? Why did it matter, anyways? I laughed shakily as my car swerved on the highway and tears burned dangerously in my eyes. I'd just spent all my time putting on mascara, and I wasn't about to ruin it over this.
God, this hurts me.
I was surprised by the pain in my ribcage, and the simplicity of the prayer. But it was true.
God, it hurts me because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to defend myself for following you, or explain it. And I can't let him know about this huge struggle not to hate him, or my fear of spending money on others.... I will just sound so crazy. But he isn't leaving it alone, and I'm scared. Please give me grace.
At church, I swept upstairs to my seat with Lenichka and Zhenya, thanks to Bailey being in nursery yet again. We had a great view of the packed-out church. So many thousands milling around. It was incredible.
And I was trying to find the Hogues, friends of my parents who were in town for the conference, scanning the crowd down below. Which might attribute to my surprise when Tim headed my way.
Oh, no.
I braced. My stomach clenched so badly and I balled my hands in my skirt. I wanted to disappear. Please, Tim, be nice.
It was easier because Lenichka was there, and the is a huge fan of his family. But he still looked awkward when he smiled tentatively and zoomed in on me, the girl shrinking back in her pew wishing she had chosen to sit down below.
"So, did you do that or not?"
I tried to find calm through the pounding of my heart. How do I get him to just accept it and let it go? I looked at him and tried for my calmest, simplest smile. "Is it wise for you to enquire of how God moves people?" I asked softly.
He looked away, taken aback I think. Then he challenged me, "Only if they did it because of God."
I didn't expect that. It was a low blow, and I felt it quiver all the way to my damaged organs. Why else would I do it? Why else would anyone do something like that? Why was he accusing me of acting outside of God's will? What exactly was he accusing me of?
I was so taken aback, I didn't know what to say. I just looked down and let the silence stretch painfully.
Tim started to go, then turned and finished, "I need to know if it was you. Because, I plan to return it."
I wasn't surprised, but it didn't stop the despair. He was just going to throw it away. Just like Levi threw away all of my investments. Just like Levi. Just like Levi. Why did God bother to have me to try again? Why????
I looked up at him, and I knew my cheeks were red. I felt like I was trembling from head to toe and I knew I was about to start crying. "Fine. You can do whatever you like, but I'm not going to say anything." The edge in my tone was so strong. It was a miracle if he didn't hear the bitterness welling up in my throat, the despair.
"Okay," he shrugged and walked off to join his sister and friends.
I tried to breathe a little in his absence, but it was no use. I was going to lose it. I hadn't expected him to come confront me like that. To just reject it, right in my face. To challenge the gift, rather than be grateful. Levi had always been so, so grateful.
I left Lenichka and fled downstairs. I ran to Kate Walley, and hid among the teenagers, and tried to act okay. She knew I was upset but I smiled through gritted teeth and she started prattling about the wedding to distract me. It helped. She squeezed my hand, but didn't ask anything. I am blessed to have her as my friend.
The music started. It was time to go back up now, I'd be safe now. Rather than risk having to come from behind his pew and pass by Tim, I flounced across the front of the church, smile in place, trying to look gloriously carefree.
I pointedly didn't look beyond my own pew when I got to the balcony. I joined Lenichka and Zhenya and turned to face the front. I grabbed my hymnal, just in time as they announced they were about to start.
And then bam.
Right there.
In front of me.
Tim Mickey, again.
I flinched.
So much for getting in trouble talking to me in front of his coworkers, like Anna and Brittany in plan view on the other side of the balcony. He leaned forward across the pew and I was too nervewracked to know what to do.
"I didn't mean.... to sound rude," he said slowly, like he had rethought the scenario. Or his sister had kicked him. Or he had known why I fled downstairs. Why did he always seem to see through my façade? I might as well have just stared crying here and saved myself a trip downstairs through the crowd.
Since my attempt to hide reality behind a cloak of politeness was pointless, I let him have it. "Don't worry. I'm used to getting that, coming from you."
He didn't seem to hear me at first, then he did, then he flushed and laughed, taken aback. "Ouch!"
I shrugged and looked down.
He was still there, and I wasn't going to take it back. But I desperately wanted to make things okay. Why were things always so upside down between us? This should have been a good situation! I leaned towards him and softened my voice. "If you don't want it... give it to another needy student, okay? Pass along the blessing."
He considered that. "Okay. I'll do that." Then he turned and walked away.
I was trying to catch my breath when Lenichka's little punch slammed into my arm.
"That was so mean! You must be nice to Tim, Noelle. He doesn't know you and you must be kinder to him."
I shook my head. "I can't help it. He hurts me."
And then it was time to sing, and I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't. I'd sworn. Sworn he'd never see me cry again. So I sang, and smiled, and when the sermon ended... he was gone before I even had time to reach for my coat. Wow.
I walked downstairs and thought about Levi. About his night at work. About the huge distance between us.... coming bigger and bigger. Did he ever even think about me at all? Ever?
I got into my car and drove off to meet up with the Hogues, and that's when the tears started to fall.
Why, Tim? That hurt so much.
Levi.... I need you.
Your star,
Rigel
1.15.2014
You should have loved the sermon tonight! It was so funny, but so encouraging. The preacher is serving in the ghetto part of Philly, and he is so rough around the edges but God is doing so much through him! He prayed about God standing on the sidewalk with a cardboard sign saying, 'Will work!" and how most people drive on by preoccupied by controlling their own life. But that if we let him work, then he will do the impossible. It was the verse, Now to him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we can ask or think..."
It was a strange day. All I could think about was Tim walking back home along 10th street. About his giving at the conference. And about how much I couldn't stand him. It was ripping me apart.
At lunch, I paced back and forth. I decided to call the college and see, just see, if it was even possible to purchase a shuttle pass for another student. They were on lunch, lovely. I went back to work but God didn't let it go.
What if that was Levi?
What if that was Steven?
What if someone knew and they did nothing, what would you think of her?
And he had blessed me with such a big bonus this month. I needed every dollar for my computer. But what was that luxury when some people didn't even have the basics? And they were giving of their money, and I was not? It was so unfair.
I didn't want to give another penny towards another person. After all I spend and saved and sacrificed for Levi. The coats... the sweaters... the shirts... and food... the Things Remembered gifts... the souvenirs from Ukraine... all that money, just gone. And nothing but his hatred to show for it, and my lonely howling heart. The bitterness ran deep.
And I didn't want to care. I was so tired of caring for people and not being cared for back. It's just not worth it. It hurts so much, Levi. Why did you stop loving me? Why did Andri? I will never understand it, not till the day I die.
I didn't want to care. I didn't want to feel anything in my dead, hollow heart. Because I know where that leads. It leads to investing, and my investments run up dry.
But God wouldn't let me alone. And finally I requested an extra afternoon break and ran to make one more call to Heartland. Shuttle has gone up, fro 40 to 60. Ouch. I gritted my teeth and gave my card number. He didn't have a pass, and this one would be good till mid-February, through the end of Oklahoma's cold winter. It would be enough.
I walked back to my desk, and wiped the tears away. I was crying, because I was scared. Scared of what God wants from me. Scared of the future. Scared, scared. Of being hurt again.
By the end of the job, God had given me his peace.
I can't explain it. It was like he just wrapped me in the softest blanket, and filled my heart with calm. And I was able to be still, and recognize that this was good for me. To help battle that hatred in my heart against him for the past. And maybe that was the whole point. All I know is, God would be pleased. This was the right thing to do.
I ran home, and was rushing around to get ready. Excitement began to course through my veins at the thought of church. Of another sermon. Of hearing from God, and being able to sing. To sing.
I was just out of the shower when my phone trilled.
Trilled, not beeped.
Trilled, because I had cautiously defaulted Tim's ringtone to be distinct, to warn me.
Could it be possible? He actually decided to text me?
I was scared to look. So scared, I didn't at first. Until it trilled again. Then my curiosity got the better of me and I took precious seconds away from the vanity sink to run and check my phone.
His words took me off guard. They were so fast.
Might you perchance know something of a shuttle pass?
That might seem vague but I think you know what I'm talking about.
I stared at the two messages, a bit stunned. He had it already? That was crazy fast. And how did he know it was me? I figured it wasn't too big a jump of a guess, but, why break the silence barrier and just text me for the first time ever of it? He didn't sound happy.... which confused and worried me. I decided to keep my mouth shut.
I plead the 5th. As an American in citizenship, I have such constitutional rights even if I'm from Ukraine. =)
I added a smiley face for good measure. Made sure my spelling was right. Then I dashed around getting ready again. I was in the car when I got his reply, the sound shimmering and hovering the in air like a beautiful alarm. I was afraid to look.
that means yes, I presume. Why did you do that?
Why.
Not, thank you.
Just why.
I gritted my teeth and shoved the phone into the purse. Tears were welling up in my eyes. Why? Why? Why? What a question. As if I don't have that question myself. Why couldn't he just say thank you and leave it alone? Why couldn't he just not ask at all? Why did it matter, anyways? I laughed shakily as my car swerved on the highway and tears burned dangerously in my eyes. I'd just spent all my time putting on mascara, and I wasn't about to ruin it over this.
God, this hurts me.
I was surprised by the pain in my ribcage, and the simplicity of the prayer. But it was true.
God, it hurts me because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to defend myself for following you, or explain it. And I can't let him know about this huge struggle not to hate him, or my fear of spending money on others.... I will just sound so crazy. But he isn't leaving it alone, and I'm scared. Please give me grace.
At church, I swept upstairs to my seat with Lenichka and Zhenya, thanks to Bailey being in nursery yet again. We had a great view of the packed-out church. So many thousands milling around. It was incredible.
And I was trying to find the Hogues, friends of my parents who were in town for the conference, scanning the crowd down below. Which might attribute to my surprise when Tim headed my way.
Oh, no.
I braced. My stomach clenched so badly and I balled my hands in my skirt. I wanted to disappear. Please, Tim, be nice.
It was easier because Lenichka was there, and the is a huge fan of his family. But he still looked awkward when he smiled tentatively and zoomed in on me, the girl shrinking back in her pew wishing she had chosen to sit down below.
"So, did you do that or not?"
I tried to find calm through the pounding of my heart. How do I get him to just accept it and let it go? I looked at him and tried for my calmest, simplest smile. "Is it wise for you to enquire of how God moves people?" I asked softly.
He looked away, taken aback I think. Then he challenged me, "Only if they did it because of God."
I didn't expect that. It was a low blow, and I felt it quiver all the way to my damaged organs. Why else would I do it? Why else would anyone do something like that? Why was he accusing me of acting outside of God's will? What exactly was he accusing me of?
I was so taken aback, I didn't know what to say. I just looked down and let the silence stretch painfully.
Tim started to go, then turned and finished, "I need to know if it was you. Because, I plan to return it."
I wasn't surprised, but it didn't stop the despair. He was just going to throw it away. Just like Levi threw away all of my investments. Just like Levi. Just like Levi. Why did God bother to have me to try again? Why????
I looked up at him, and I knew my cheeks were red. I felt like I was trembling from head to toe and I knew I was about to start crying. "Fine. You can do whatever you like, but I'm not going to say anything." The edge in my tone was so strong. It was a miracle if he didn't hear the bitterness welling up in my throat, the despair.
"Okay," he shrugged and walked off to join his sister and friends.
I tried to breathe a little in his absence, but it was no use. I was going to lose it. I hadn't expected him to come confront me like that. To just reject it, right in my face. To challenge the gift, rather than be grateful. Levi had always been so, so grateful.
I left Lenichka and fled downstairs. I ran to Kate Walley, and hid among the teenagers, and tried to act okay. She knew I was upset but I smiled through gritted teeth and she started prattling about the wedding to distract me. It helped. She squeezed my hand, but didn't ask anything. I am blessed to have her as my friend.
The music started. It was time to go back up now, I'd be safe now. Rather than risk having to come from behind his pew and pass by Tim, I flounced across the front of the church, smile in place, trying to look gloriously carefree.
I pointedly didn't look beyond my own pew when I got to the balcony. I joined Lenichka and Zhenya and turned to face the front. I grabbed my hymnal, just in time as they announced they were about to start.
And then bam.
Right there.
In front of me.
Tim Mickey, again.
I flinched.
So much for getting in trouble talking to me in front of his coworkers, like Anna and Brittany in plan view on the other side of the balcony. He leaned forward across the pew and I was too nervewracked to know what to do.
"I didn't mean.... to sound rude," he said slowly, like he had rethought the scenario. Or his sister had kicked him. Or he had known why I fled downstairs. Why did he always seem to see through my façade? I might as well have just stared crying here and saved myself a trip downstairs through the crowd.
Since my attempt to hide reality behind a cloak of politeness was pointless, I let him have it. "Don't worry. I'm used to getting that, coming from you."
He didn't seem to hear me at first, then he did, then he flushed and laughed, taken aback. "Ouch!"
I shrugged and looked down.
He was still there, and I wasn't going to take it back. But I desperately wanted to make things okay. Why were things always so upside down between us? This should have been a good situation! I leaned towards him and softened my voice. "If you don't want it... give it to another needy student, okay? Pass along the blessing."
He considered that. "Okay. I'll do that." Then he turned and walked away.
I was trying to catch my breath when Lenichka's little punch slammed into my arm.
"That was so mean! You must be nice to Tim, Noelle. He doesn't know you and you must be kinder to him."
I shook my head. "I can't help it. He hurts me."
And then it was time to sing, and I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't. I'd sworn. Sworn he'd never see me cry again. So I sang, and smiled, and when the sermon ended... he was gone before I even had time to reach for my coat. Wow.
I walked downstairs and thought about Levi. About his night at work. About the huge distance between us.... coming bigger and bigger. Did he ever even think about me at all? Ever?
I got into my car and drove off to meet up with the Hogues, and that's when the tears started to fall.
Why, Tim? That hurt so much.
Levi.... I need you.
Your star,
Rigel
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Inspired
Dear Levi,
1.14.14
I was so excited to go to the conference last night after work. I could barely sit still through my calls, thinking about being at Heartland again, under the glowing lights and teeming crowd of fellow Christians, and hear good music and preaching. I sped home as fast as I could and threw myself through a hot, hot shower and ran around getting ready. I figured you wouldn't be there. But after last year, when I watched you take off all kinds of time off of work for random events, I wasn't going to take that chance. So I had to blowdry and spritz my hair and swirl on some makeup and sweep on mascara, which made me so hot I grabbed a cold Dr. Pepper to chug at the same time, even though it was so cold outside. Silly Noelle.
I didn't even listen to the radio on the way to campus. I called Bailey, only to find out she was in nursery. Same with Zhenya. That threw me back. Who was I to sit with? Now I wasn't that happy-go-lucky. As long as you weren't there with Anna, I would be okay sitting by myself, I guess. I had expected the Martinezes to be there as the past 3 years, but they weren't coming, either. My happiness began to slip a little when I pulled on campus and saw the huge line of cars and people milling everywhere. Even though I still had twenty minutes, the place was buried. Finding seats would be hard.
I parked in the grass by Brown dorm and walked across the grass, head down so I wouldn't twist an ankle in my tall heeled boots in the soft ground. I was wearing my little black dress and familiar black suede boots, but changed up the somber tones with a bright white scarf and jeweled sapphire peacoat. By the time I got to the dorm, I was passing so many strangers and I knew I wouldn't see you. I just knew it in my soul. Why did I even bother to dress up at all? It felt like a wasted effort, and maybe I should have just come straight to campus to save myself a seat in a back corner somewhere.
But I realized my efforts weren't too wasted when I looked up to see Tim greeting at the main entrance, handing out flyer.
Oh, lovely.
I was suddenly happy I looked somewhat put together. He already thinks I'm absolutely crazy.
I smiled at him and shook his hand. He didn't look happy to see me. I suppose I deserve it, after how downright cruel I was to him the over night with my honesty. I was surprised, though, that he was here. Didn't he need the hours at work to make his bills? But I didn't ask. I had learned my lesson, and I would be keeping my mouth shut.
He shook my hand and handed me a flyer and turned to the next person behind me.
I felt the little Noelle inside cringe, then sigh in resignation. So much for friends.
Inside the auditorium, I wanted to run to my spot in the grandstands but was afraid that I would run into you, again; this time, with Anna on your arm. So I opted for the grandstands on the opposite side, where I first sat when you left me and I was stupid enough to be mad about it. Stupid girl.
It turned out I didn't have to sit alone for too long. Joselyn, a very kind girl from Southwest I met on the Idabel trip, came to sit in my row and saved spots for the Spragues and Willoughbys. I wasn't too thrilled on the choice of neighbors; the Sprague girls have always been very stuck up around me, but I was too proud and preoccupied to care about some Okie beauties. Their glory was very, very limited and wasn't worth my attention to compete against. I knew Trevor was talking with Hannah, but he ended up sitting by me.
Which was, doubtless, awkward. Mostly because I was annoyed that Hannah would be jealous. But she was on the opposite end of the group so I didn't see her the whole time. Trevor was kind to me.... meaning, he said hi and remembered my name, and that was it. It was easy for me to return the favor and just tune him out, too.
Because there was so much more to captive my attention.
I miss Heartland so much.
The energy, the excitement, the soul-stirring music. Just the thought of so many people trying to do something with their lives! It made me long to be headed on the missionary trail with Levi again. I missed this world. It is so, so much better.
Tim crossed my view as he settled in on the floor directly ahead of me with a bunch of young guys and girls students. He looked plenty happy. I'm glad. Part of me wishes him well, the part of me that goes back to look at his number in my phone again in wonder.
The preaching by Sam Davison was.... phenomenal. He said, 'What have you read in the Bible that makes you think God is working any different nowadays?" It was such a great thought. So much of popular Christian mentality (myself included) is based on the opinions of other and our own thoughts, rather than studying the word of God to figure things out. I felt convicted. I need to read it to a greater extent each day than I am already doing. I need to really research it and know God.
But the whole point of the night was captivated around the most unlikely person, Tim. Because during the auctions, I watched him stand up and give 50$, twice, towards the pastors presenting their burdens. I was shocked. I had never seen Levi give anything, whether in the offering or in tithes. And I knew that, according to his word, Tim was making sacrifices to be able to give. I thought he meant tithes. I didn't realize he meant giving. I was so.... humbled. Much like when Levi used to amaze and inspire me. Because I'm always counting pennies and I allocate funds for tithes and for support of Steven and Nina but... I'm not honestly hurting to do so. I might miss a few meals, limp on gas, turn down a shopping opportunity... but that's pretty small. And there was Tim, giving well over what would be a month of shuttle services. He was one of the only students I saw, period.
How does he do it?
I mulled it over in my mind. I was just so impressed.... and so amazed. I wanted to cry, but I ended up just breaking into a huge smile. Because it was so encouraging, that there are still young people out there with the same compassion and sacrifice of my Levi. And that... someone.... that gave me hope.
After the service, I wasn't feeling good at all. I was so tired. And my internal health has been struggling the past few days. I walked across to the restrooms to splash some water on my face and try to feel better. On the way, I crossed paths with Tim. Which surprised me, seeing as how my pew had been sooooo delayed to exit with the crowd. He looked at me, looked like he might have said something to me, but didn't. I just ducked my head down and slipped into the restroom.
Part of me was a coward. I was afraid what he thought of me now that he had time to think over everything I told him. Would he hate me now? He didn't text me.
And part of me longed to just confront him and apologize. To ask if Levi and Anna gave him a hard time for talking to me, the outcast. To ask him to please.... think kindly of me still, somehow.
When I went back outside, Tim was nowhere around. It made me sad to leave campus. I ended up kidnapping Lenichka and Zhenya and crashed at my place till midnight, watching Hunger Games in Russian and making brownies. It was so nice. And I was able to try to encourage Lenichka, who is feeling her age so much right now. But I was tired on the long, dark drive back home. I even got pulled over for not stopping completely at the stop sign by the dorm. That was scary. But the cop we nice. Handed me back my stuff and said to be more careful when he confirmed I was a Heartland student.
When I got home, it was well after one a.m. I read my Bible in Psalms, where it said that God heals the broken hearted and binds up wounds. What if my heart isn't able to be healed? I wasn't able to sleep, waking up and looking restlessly at my phone. For the first time, I thought about texting Tim.
Tim, how do you do it? How do you just move on? How do you give up on someone forever?
But there were no answers to break the stillness of the apartment, so I drifted off to sleep again and again with tears on my eyelashes. So weary of the struggle.
I miss you, Levi.
Please don't graduate and leave me. Please, don't leave your little Noelle all alone. She's so scared.
Your star,
Rigel
1.14.14
I was so excited to go to the conference last night after work. I could barely sit still through my calls, thinking about being at Heartland again, under the glowing lights and teeming crowd of fellow Christians, and hear good music and preaching. I sped home as fast as I could and threw myself through a hot, hot shower and ran around getting ready. I figured you wouldn't be there. But after last year, when I watched you take off all kinds of time off of work for random events, I wasn't going to take that chance. So I had to blowdry and spritz my hair and swirl on some makeup and sweep on mascara, which made me so hot I grabbed a cold Dr. Pepper to chug at the same time, even though it was so cold outside. Silly Noelle.
I didn't even listen to the radio on the way to campus. I called Bailey, only to find out she was in nursery. Same with Zhenya. That threw me back. Who was I to sit with? Now I wasn't that happy-go-lucky. As long as you weren't there with Anna, I would be okay sitting by myself, I guess. I had expected the Martinezes to be there as the past 3 years, but they weren't coming, either. My happiness began to slip a little when I pulled on campus and saw the huge line of cars and people milling everywhere. Even though I still had twenty minutes, the place was buried. Finding seats would be hard.
I parked in the grass by Brown dorm and walked across the grass, head down so I wouldn't twist an ankle in my tall heeled boots in the soft ground. I was wearing my little black dress and familiar black suede boots, but changed up the somber tones with a bright white scarf and jeweled sapphire peacoat. By the time I got to the dorm, I was passing so many strangers and I knew I wouldn't see you. I just knew it in my soul. Why did I even bother to dress up at all? It felt like a wasted effort, and maybe I should have just come straight to campus to save myself a seat in a back corner somewhere.
But I realized my efforts weren't too wasted when I looked up to see Tim greeting at the main entrance, handing out flyer.
Oh, lovely.
I was suddenly happy I looked somewhat put together. He already thinks I'm absolutely crazy.
I smiled at him and shook his hand. He didn't look happy to see me. I suppose I deserve it, after how downright cruel I was to him the over night with my honesty. I was surprised, though, that he was here. Didn't he need the hours at work to make his bills? But I didn't ask. I had learned my lesson, and I would be keeping my mouth shut.
He shook my hand and handed me a flyer and turned to the next person behind me.
I felt the little Noelle inside cringe, then sigh in resignation. So much for friends.
Inside the auditorium, I wanted to run to my spot in the grandstands but was afraid that I would run into you, again; this time, with Anna on your arm. So I opted for the grandstands on the opposite side, where I first sat when you left me and I was stupid enough to be mad about it. Stupid girl.
It turned out I didn't have to sit alone for too long. Joselyn, a very kind girl from Southwest I met on the Idabel trip, came to sit in my row and saved spots for the Spragues and Willoughbys. I wasn't too thrilled on the choice of neighbors; the Sprague girls have always been very stuck up around me, but I was too proud and preoccupied to care about some Okie beauties. Their glory was very, very limited and wasn't worth my attention to compete against. I knew Trevor was talking with Hannah, but he ended up sitting by me.
Which was, doubtless, awkward. Mostly because I was annoyed that Hannah would be jealous. But she was on the opposite end of the group so I didn't see her the whole time. Trevor was kind to me.... meaning, he said hi and remembered my name, and that was it. It was easy for me to return the favor and just tune him out, too.
Because there was so much more to captive my attention.
I miss Heartland so much.
The energy, the excitement, the soul-stirring music. Just the thought of so many people trying to do something with their lives! It made me long to be headed on the missionary trail with Levi again. I missed this world. It is so, so much better.
Tim crossed my view as he settled in on the floor directly ahead of me with a bunch of young guys and girls students. He looked plenty happy. I'm glad. Part of me wishes him well, the part of me that goes back to look at his number in my phone again in wonder.
The preaching by Sam Davison was.... phenomenal. He said, 'What have you read in the Bible that makes you think God is working any different nowadays?" It was such a great thought. So much of popular Christian mentality (myself included) is based on the opinions of other and our own thoughts, rather than studying the word of God to figure things out. I felt convicted. I need to read it to a greater extent each day than I am already doing. I need to really research it and know God.
But the whole point of the night was captivated around the most unlikely person, Tim. Because during the auctions, I watched him stand up and give 50$, twice, towards the pastors presenting their burdens. I was shocked. I had never seen Levi give anything, whether in the offering or in tithes. And I knew that, according to his word, Tim was making sacrifices to be able to give. I thought he meant tithes. I didn't realize he meant giving. I was so.... humbled. Much like when Levi used to amaze and inspire me. Because I'm always counting pennies and I allocate funds for tithes and for support of Steven and Nina but... I'm not honestly hurting to do so. I might miss a few meals, limp on gas, turn down a shopping opportunity... but that's pretty small. And there was Tim, giving well over what would be a month of shuttle services. He was one of the only students I saw, period.
How does he do it?
I mulled it over in my mind. I was just so impressed.... and so amazed. I wanted to cry, but I ended up just breaking into a huge smile. Because it was so encouraging, that there are still young people out there with the same compassion and sacrifice of my Levi. And that... someone.... that gave me hope.
After the service, I wasn't feeling good at all. I was so tired. And my internal health has been struggling the past few days. I walked across to the restrooms to splash some water on my face and try to feel better. On the way, I crossed paths with Tim. Which surprised me, seeing as how my pew had been sooooo delayed to exit with the crowd. He looked at me, looked like he might have said something to me, but didn't. I just ducked my head down and slipped into the restroom.
Part of me was a coward. I was afraid what he thought of me now that he had time to think over everything I told him. Would he hate me now? He didn't text me.
And part of me longed to just confront him and apologize. To ask if Levi and Anna gave him a hard time for talking to me, the outcast. To ask him to please.... think kindly of me still, somehow.
When I went back outside, Tim was nowhere around. It made me sad to leave campus. I ended up kidnapping Lenichka and Zhenya and crashed at my place till midnight, watching Hunger Games in Russian and making brownies. It was so nice. And I was able to try to encourage Lenichka, who is feeling her age so much right now. But I was tired on the long, dark drive back home. I even got pulled over for not stopping completely at the stop sign by the dorm. That was scary. But the cop we nice. Handed me back my stuff and said to be more careful when he confirmed I was a Heartland student.
When I got home, it was well after one a.m. I read my Bible in Psalms, where it said that God heals the broken hearted and binds up wounds. What if my heart isn't able to be healed? I wasn't able to sleep, waking up and looking restlessly at my phone. For the first time, I thought about texting Tim.
Tim, how do you do it? How do you just move on? How do you give up on someone forever?
But there were no answers to break the stillness of the apartment, so I drifted off to sleep again and again with tears on my eyelashes. So weary of the struggle.
I miss you, Levi.
Please don't graduate and leave me. Please, don't leave your little Noelle all alone. She's so scared.
Your star,
Rigel
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