Crossing Lines

Dear Levi,

1.27.14

I look back on Monday as the day some lines for me were crossed. I didn't realize it as they were happening. This was one of the best days, but it also would be that day that would cause me the most pain. Because to my foolish, stupid self it would seem like a promise of so much more than what I'm going to end up with, and maybe I let my heart dream a little bit. As wonderful as it was, it left a dark and bitter sting in my heart. Because there is nothing for me. And the sweetness of Tim's friendship, like yours, is just an illusion.

Monday - he woke me up, but I was sick. So sick. In so much pain. He urged me to call in and go to sleep. I tried. But I was too sick. Off to the doctor. I texted him after classes, with an udpate. I knew I was falling to peices, and I wanted to be real. I wanted to ask him the questions on my mind, whether it frustrated him or not. "Tim, how do you face the end of your life? I'm oh so scared." How do you choose the time? To just give up that there will be any hope left? I'm so scared but.... somewhere along the way, I made my decision. To die. I don't know when it happened, but it did. He tried to encourage me with scripture. Said he forgot an assignment for classes. I told him I would try to help him.

He texted me to tell me I was beautiful. It didn't even matter anymore. The sadness ran too deep now. I decided to try to bolster his self-esteem and remind him that he is awesome to me. We ended up teasing each other... easy, almost happy conversation. He teased me about fitting the trashcan. I had thoguht he hadn't been listening the other night when he was with Alex. Maybe he went back and read up on things. He gave me permission to tease him back, but I reminded him first he had to share something embarressing. He promised he would think of something, and then sent me his syllabus. I had to laugh at the handwriting. It was so bad I couldn't make anythiing out... but I didn't have the heart to tell him.

He went to work and I went to sleep, then texted me on his lunch. There was somethign really special about seeing him text me, think about me, give his time towards me. I knew it wouldn't last, and maybe that's what was so precious about it. I was restless. I missed him. It wasn't logical, but it was true. And he said he missed me back. I stared at that message for a long time. Why? Why would he miss me? I wanted to come see him at work, I could picture myself slipping into Walmart and trying to figure out the pharmacy, trying to imagine what that would be like to just say "Hey, I miss you." Would he be happy? Or annoyed? Would he care at all.

I went ahead and took a risk and told him I almost dropped by, but he must have thought meant that I had wanted to drop by campus and proceeded to lecture me that he had to do things and didn't have time to spend with me. That stung.... I was so glad that I hadn't left the apartment. I let the tears softly trickle down my cheek and sat in the darkness with the knife between my fingertips and tried to think things through, but it was so hard to think through. I just wanted to see him, to see his smile, so I could try to remember what it looked like when Levi smiled at me. To pretend it could happen again someday. To make the pain a little bit easier. But he didn't have time to me. And neither would Levi.

I left my words fall cold and empty. No I'm coming to campus.

I Want to see you too, he told me. It wiped away the tears. I'd never said I wanted to see him. What was he thinking? I ran the blade along my trembling lip and tried to be strong enough to push it into the soft skin but I couldn't. I was so, so broken.

He seemed hurt when I pushed him away and told him to go study. But I couldn't help it. He didn't want me. And I had so much more going on in my head. He texted me. I asked if he was mad. I was always afraid of that. Tim mad, Levi mad.

Somehow, it made him smile. "no =) I don't think that's possible."

Levi had said that once, too. I decided to divert the conversation. I told him I bought him something. And he told me, "You know what? you're precious."

I laughed hysterically through the tears in the darkness of my empty, broken apartment. Precious. Yeah, right. Why did Levi leave me?

He had to run to devos. And when he came back, he wanted me to go rest. But I didn't want to. I was in bed now but my eyes were throbbing from the tears and my throat on fire from hell. He told me he was glad we were friends.... that he had learned stuff from me. That puzzled me. I tried to tease him, but reminded me that when he first came to talk to me, it was with disapproval.

'I was trying to help you the only way I knew how: that's one thing you taught me, not to be a judge of the heart.'

Wow. What could I say?

"Tim, you're amazing. You've inspired me every day since then, I'm utterly grateful for you."

"I'm glad I can help."

"You should rest, do homework or something."

'I am doing homework."

Oh. Well, then why was he texting me? "Don't let me distract you."

"Shhhh.... you aren't a bad distraction =) the only way I'll stop is if you need rest! Then I'll do homework anwyays. =)"

"Okay, Tim." =) He said "shhh" and it was like this amazing, cleaning, soothing balm. I could hear his voice across my blistered, throbbing little soul. I could feel the gentleness I craved so badly. It made the tears fall again, but they were tears of gratefulness. Thank you, God.

I decided to tell him what was on my mind. That I'd never seen him outside of suit and tie. Maybe he wouldn't be so intimidating to me if he didn't always look like an RA. He told me he didn't like tees but wore jeans and button up shirts. Made sense, from his pictures on facebook. And he told me he'd never seen me outside of "super nice clothes" but I guess the Buckle boots and jean skirt on Wednesday night had still looked too fancy on me. lol

"You don't want to see me on my down days. Hoodie and ponytail and pretty much a mess."

He teased me by saying, "I like it though, it's classy and you're probably never anything but the epitome of beauty."

What is an epitome? I tried not to cry. If I were beautiful, Levi wouldn't have left me! Of course I didn't want to say that to him.

"I think you might be delusional, Tim."

"Why?"

"For crying out loud I'm not pretty!"

"Your'e right. you aren't pretty. you're beautiful."

I felt the bitter tears bubble on the tip of my tongue again. Levi, Levi. Why did you leave me? "Tim can we talk about something else? I'm so embarressed I'm going to cry." Let him think I just couldn't handle compliments.

He apologized. I did, too.

"You aren't a negative part of my life, you're a special gift from God."

Wow. He said that? Then he finished his homework and I wanted him to stay but I couldn't ask him. He tucked me in by saying, "Goodnight my precious friend, lala salama rafiki thamani kwangu."

It made the tears keep pooling into my pillow. Sad, tired, lonely pillow.

Tim, stay.

I couldn't sleep.

Couldn't breathe.

The nightmares howled in my head, in my mind. Wandering the graveyard in Pekin. The bridge, the ice, the black water, my eyes closing in death. The blood and pain and alcohol of the wedding day. The car wreck, the screams, the smoke, the hysteria. Levi loving me. Twirling me under the stars. Holding me. His kisses, warm sunlight, Santana, a field with a tree under the empty sky. Levi crying. My words. His eyes, full of hate. The snow, the fight, the hot chocolate. Levi running... running... running. My best friend, running. The new Noelle, the broken and empty and frightened one. The one that cowered under the taunting superioirty of Levi and Tim, Levi and Anna, Levi and his club of friends at Walmart. Tim, laughing over my crumpled form. The park, the car, the darkness and the gleaming, cruel Devon Tower. The airport... the knife... the emptiness.

Woke up scraeming for Levi, for Tim. I didn't want to call him. But he made me promise. A promise. I called, and it rang and rang, and went to voicemail. I hung up and cried and cried, rocking back and forth on the bedroom floor in the corner.

Please, be dead. Please. Please.

The splintering pain was so sharp in my head, in my eyes. I could feel my heart literally throbbing and lurching. I was going to lose it soon.

I called him again.

And he answered.

"Oh you answered!" I gasped.

He was laughing, soothing me. I laid back and let my soaked hair tumble around me on the floor. Tim was here. It would be okay.

I told him about my nightmare, and I cried. He promised he wasn't angry with me anymore. I asked him to pray with me, because my heart wouldn't calm down, but the wild beating was frightening me. And he did. He prayed for me the way I loved it, the way he did before. And as he prayed, I could feel this peace sink into my veins, sink slowly and coolly along the feverish arteries, wiping me out. I struggled to focus on his words.

Tim....

Tim......

I opened my eys, and I was limp on the floor. Had I fainted? I looked at the phone. He'd hung up and texted me to call him back.

Poor, Tim.

I'm so sorry.

I called him back. He stayed with me most of the night, till 3am. I cried. He told me about lake nakuru, with all the flamingos. Told him about Steven. He told me about little Claurissa, a princess, calling him a liar. About running into the pole. We laughed, I cried, he stayed with me until our strength was gone.

He went to sleep, and I couldn't. I couldn't sleep. I let morning come, then noon, then evening. I walked the apartment and shook with fever and with sickness. I had left my Bible at work but I closed my eyes and prayed, prayed, prayed.

God, what do you want me to do?

I need a break. I need to put an end to something. Just tell me what to do.... But I'm running out of time.
Your star,
Rigel