Getting Sick

Dear Levi,

1.26.14

Sunday - always my hardest day. I couldn't go to church. I was so sick. He didn't text me until after bus, and I was getting ready to head in for choir. As I drove through the pretty, sunlit streets, he quickly introduced a topic that made the day seem a little dimmer. Began talking about Alex and thier talk and that must be why he was too busy last night for me. Makes sense..... but somehow it hurt. He told me he was confused about her, scared she wouldn't like him back. I didn't get why he was telling me, but I decided he didn't have any other girl friends to bounce this off of. So I tried to swallow my bitterness and just be a friend to him. He told me he likes her so much because she's so godly. I couldn't help take it as a personal insult. I remember working with Alex. Always beautiful, always perfect, alwas soft-spoken, alwas Mexican. It brought tears to my eyes. I would never be first place with anyone. But I didn't let it show, I gritted my teeth and tried to be as kind and as objective as I could. He seemed to really appreciate it, and I was glad he didn't see through me. We talked about the pretty weather, and then I told him about being sick. Abotu throwing up a pint of blood. He seemed mad that I was bringing it up. I tried to make it a little happier, but I couldn't. He didnt' know how insane I felt, falling to peices, looking at the pawn shops as I drove by and wanting to pull in and buy a gun. I asked him if it would be okay to say hi at church. He said yes with some surprise that I would ask, but I didn't want to embaress him in front of his guys or Alex. Our friendship was awkward enough.

At church, he tried to come up but got stopped by a friend, then walked away. I would go over and say hi but Bailey and Zhenya were making me cry because they could see the weariness all over my face, so I went downstairs to get a tissue, instead. I came back up and tried to calm down, but seeing Levi with Anna across the way, I couldn't. My head rang. It burned and blistered. The tears pooled and burned. My rib ached from where I'd fallen on it. Tim was downstairs, flirting with people near Alex. I should at least go say hi, but I wanted to wait until he was done vying for her attention. I decided to go find Taylor and apologize for not being in Sunday School or texting her. On the way, he was coming up the stairs. It was awkward. Couldn't really talk in passing like that, but I wanted to at least try to say hi. He looked at me with upraised eyebrows and those cool, superior eyes. I wanted to cringe away. He was casual, cool, and aloof. I stumbled through a hello and turned and ran down the stairs, shaking. Mandii caught me. Everyone wanted to talk about Ukraine. When I went back upstairs, he was just getting back, too. It made me mad, and I sat by my girls and didn't look his way.

Why did he still do that to me? Make me feel like I'm a bother for even existing? I wish I could stop. I want to stop so bad. Kill myself right infront of him and Levi and Anna. Ruin their lives forever. Except, the bitter thought came, I wouldn't get to see their expressions and they wouldn't even care anyways. At least it would make me feel better.... In the service, they sang my song. About a secret place. It made huge tears pool up in my eyes. Why was there no secret place? Just pain, pain in every direction. During the offering, I had to run the tray. My rib hurt so bad to move, but as I rose shakily to my feet, Tim was right there waiting for it. Oh, he must be sitting on the next pew over. Go figure. I made sure not to look his way again. During hand shake, Amanda came up and shook my hand with a big, sincere and still shy smile. It was so incredibly touching. I couldn't concentrate during the sermon. I hurt so bad. To breathe, to think, to know Levi and Anna were together. And leaving soon. I would never see him again. Never. Ever. As soon as the sermon was over, I turned and Tim had bolted. I didn't get it. What was his rush? Probably going to make arrangements with Alex. I shrugged and tried not to care. But I did. More sadness, pooling in my heart. I wanted to go to Grand Boulevarde and pray and cry, but Zhenya begged a ride to the dorm. I tried not to be annoyed, and took Bailey and Pearl along, too. I had to wait for Levi and Anna to go downstairs first, and I didn't talk much on the way to the dorm. I knew somewhere Tim would be chasing Alex, Levi chasing Anna. I didn't want to be on campus one second longer than I had to. But pulling off, I felt so alone and so, so broken.

I drove through the dark streets and let the tears fall. My ringing headache was going to bring on the vomiting again, so I tried to prevent that by finding a good, cruel rock song on the radio and turning it up to blast, matching the pain throb for throb pounding in my skull. I ended up at the airport and watched the ligths blink soft and blue and orange under the dark sky. It was the lonelist feeling in the word. I wanted to walk out there and just lie down and stop existing. But it couldn't happen. So I just sat there and cried and cried. I went home and pulled the butcher knife from the kitchen and traced it along the old scars on my arm. I long so badly to watch the blood boil and bleed out, to give some releif to the pain. I stood there and cried, too weak to even hurt myself.

Surprisingly, Tim texted me about an hour later. Still early, only nine o'clock. I was so hurt by him earlier, and in so much pain, but I tried not to show it, talking about random things like shooting stars and flying to different planets. He didn't bother to ask why I was out at the airport at night. No one cares. He was doing homework. I offered to try to help him, and that seemed to make him pretty happy. We talked abotu what we wanted to be when we grew up. I guess he'd always wanted to be a missionary. I finally got the nerve to ask him about the look he gave me. He told me he was frustrated at me because he felt I was always reminding him that he had life. For some reason, it was the cruelest thing to say. I fell apart, sobbing, wanting to be dead so badly I could taste the earth of my own grave. I asked him if he would be happier if I just died then, so he wouldn't have to think about it. He ended up calling me, no surprise... and at first I didn't walk to talk to him. But his voice was so soothing, so gentle and irresistable. It calmed me down. He explained about feeling awkward in front of his friends. About Collins calling me "drop dead gorgeous" about being worried for me. "You told me you threw up a pint of blood, and you might not make it till May. How am I supposed to feel?" It surprised me, I hadn't thought he'd cared. I tried to explain my perspective, but I didn't really even care. My perspective didn't matter. He told me about Africa, about his big mega church of 300-400 people. About his friends.... the guy with the funny name, the song leader... about the history of the Congo. You could just feel the pride and the longing in his voice to go back to his country. It made me smile through the tears. We talked till 1am and then softly said goodnight. He texted me almost immediately, "that was was a good talk." =) I guess it makes sense that it would make him happy. We said goonight very gently. Almost like real friends.

But it can't be real. Because I thought you were so real, Levi, and you weren't. Were you?

Your star, so sick and broken,
Rigel