July 31, 2015
Dear Levi
And then I crawl into bed after writing the last post and pull out my Bible, crepe paper blossoms turning softly in the air above my head. My room warm and quiet at midnight, lit by a soft golden glow from the lamp in the corner. Psalm 30, the psalm of the day. Random.
"O Lord my God, I cried unto thee and thou has healed me." This is a completed verb, a full healing. That means God will finish what he started, it won't be like this gaping hole forever.
"O Lord, thou has brought up my soul from the grave, though ahs kept me alive that I should not go down into the pit." This is God's work, not man's.
"For his anger endureth but a moment, in his favor is life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."
This night will not last. There is a tomorrow morning. Not random chance. Not hopeless delusions. But definite trust in God's master plan. I mean, look where it has brought us.
My phone may not go off tonight with those delicious, coveted chimes. And it's okay to be sad in the night. But I can cry still knowing that God is working to bring a beautiful sunrise. I can't comprehend how it will ever be okay again. But I have to trust that it will be.
Your star,
Rigel
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Wild, the Movie
July 30th, 2015
Dear Levi,
This letter is for you, for me. I watched Wild tonight starring Reece Witherspoon. At first I thought I was watching the hurt and resilience of my own life. Then at some point, I realized I was watching you, too. That broken childhood, that grief for someone gone you loved most, the tough walls and fortitude to survive and become something in this wild, unpredictable thing called life.
I'm so proud of you. I love you, still. I hurt for you, still. I'm in awe of you, still. I want you to let down those walls if there is anything left of that Levi who needed me. That one curled up in a fetal position in the car after a fender bender off North May; the Levi who talked to me late a night with tears pooling out his shiny, incredibly vulnerable eyes. That... that is what I cherished.
Everyone else is fun and warm and sturdy maybe.. but just, empty human shells so shallow inside.
You were fathomless.
Like a great sea or lake. I could spend my lifetime trying to drink in your soul, the clear deep depths.
But could there be nothing left? Nothing left but this hardened former Bible college student surrounded by strange friends, a wandering Marine in far away places. Indifferent. What if that's all that is left?
Somehow, in reaching an understand of who you were to me, I lost who I am to myself. How do I reconcile the past years of bliss with the years of pain? Which one will ultimately outweigh the other in the story of my life? How do I grip the grinding present? How do I dare possibly hope for a future, and what could it even possibly hold?
Sometimes I think I have got it all planned out, figured out. Leaving Oklahoma. Ukraine. Pre-med, in Florida. Med school in Seattle. Navy. Doctor. Calculated posts on Instagram and Facebook, sleeping with my phone curled to my chest and waking up violently in the night to check it. Please, please still be friends.
But in those disoriented moments, or when my car is broke down in the middle of Oklahoma noonday heat without water, when I'm watching Cheryl Strayed grieve the loss of her mother and face the meaninglessness of her existence, you liking every since post Pear puts up just as soon as you get your phone back... not knowing what to say. Not knowing what to post. Not knowing if its too much or not enough. Feeling confused, frightened, angry and frustrated. Realizing I can never write GiGi again and that there is no one truly left who knows you, truly, who would want to help me, truly.
Yes, in these moments, I know that a part of me deep inside is still horribly broken, irrevocably splintered. Our breakup was my fault but the years of calculated coldness was yours, destroying me.
Sometimes, like tonight, I want so badly to give up.
Who am I?
Do I mean anything to anyone? The way you said I meant to you once? Will I ever, ever matter again? Will ever even believe that? Can I keep trying and waking up and smiling... and curling up crying in my car at twilight by the lake and feeling so utterly broken inside? Will there never, ever, ever be a day, ever, that you would tackle the world... and fix all this?
Or is this all there is ever going to be.... The brokenness, the looking back. The bravery, looking forward. But still empty. Always, broken.
I hope you are enjoying the warm shores of Florida at midnight, the moonlight on your window like it is on mine.
And I hope you think of me.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
This letter is for you, for me. I watched Wild tonight starring Reece Witherspoon. At first I thought I was watching the hurt and resilience of my own life. Then at some point, I realized I was watching you, too. That broken childhood, that grief for someone gone you loved most, the tough walls and fortitude to survive and become something in this wild, unpredictable thing called life.
I'm so proud of you. I love you, still. I hurt for you, still. I'm in awe of you, still. I want you to let down those walls if there is anything left of that Levi who needed me. That one curled up in a fetal position in the car after a fender bender off North May; the Levi who talked to me late a night with tears pooling out his shiny, incredibly vulnerable eyes. That... that is what I cherished.
Everyone else is fun and warm and sturdy maybe.. but just, empty human shells so shallow inside.
You were fathomless.
Like a great sea or lake. I could spend my lifetime trying to drink in your soul, the clear deep depths.
But could there be nothing left? Nothing left but this hardened former Bible college student surrounded by strange friends, a wandering Marine in far away places. Indifferent. What if that's all that is left?
Somehow, in reaching an understand of who you were to me, I lost who I am to myself. How do I reconcile the past years of bliss with the years of pain? Which one will ultimately outweigh the other in the story of my life? How do I grip the grinding present? How do I dare possibly hope for a future, and what could it even possibly hold?
Sometimes I think I have got it all planned out, figured out. Leaving Oklahoma. Ukraine. Pre-med, in Florida. Med school in Seattle. Navy. Doctor. Calculated posts on Instagram and Facebook, sleeping with my phone curled to my chest and waking up violently in the night to check it. Please, please still be friends.
But in those disoriented moments, or when my car is broke down in the middle of Oklahoma noonday heat without water, when I'm watching Cheryl Strayed grieve the loss of her mother and face the meaninglessness of her existence, you liking every since post Pear puts up just as soon as you get your phone back... not knowing what to say. Not knowing what to post. Not knowing if its too much or not enough. Feeling confused, frightened, angry and frustrated. Realizing I can never write GiGi again and that there is no one truly left who knows you, truly, who would want to help me, truly.
Yes, in these moments, I know that a part of me deep inside is still horribly broken, irrevocably splintered. Our breakup was my fault but the years of calculated coldness was yours, destroying me.
Sometimes, like tonight, I want so badly to give up.
Who am I?
Do I mean anything to anyone? The way you said I meant to you once? Will I ever, ever matter again? Will ever even believe that? Can I keep trying and waking up and smiling... and curling up crying in my car at twilight by the lake and feeling so utterly broken inside? Will there never, ever, ever be a day, ever, that you would tackle the world... and fix all this?
Or is this all there is ever going to be.... The brokenness, the looking back. The bravery, looking forward. But still empty. Always, broken.
I hope you are enjoying the warm shores of Florida at midnight, the moonlight on your window like it is on mine.
And I hope you think of me.
Your star,
Rigel
July 29th, 2015
Dear Levi,
We shared the sunrise this morning. Yours was a glowing yellow and dusky grey rippling over a sea of clouds above Atlanta. Mine was a sparkling gold with hints of red shooting through the sleeping skyscrapers of downtown OKC.
I'm jealous you're on a plane and I'm still landlocked here.
You're headed for the ocean, and I imagine how excited you must be, the farthest east you've ever been, I think. Despite my sadness that there is still so little between us, it warms my heart to know that we are not longer estranged by a gulf of animosity. You texted me back last night! A tremble of blissful chimes I've been longing to hear since, wow.... February!
Will you ever reach out to me? It is my prayer for your time in Florida. To learn to want me again, and start to show it.
But as for this morning. I drive around to my catering clients and you meander through airport terminals and I just wanted to share this bright, soft moment.
Good morning, Levi.
I love you.
Look at the sunrise, it is smiling for us.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
We shared the sunrise this morning. Yours was a glowing yellow and dusky grey rippling over a sea of clouds above Atlanta. Mine was a sparkling gold with hints of red shooting through the sleeping skyscrapers of downtown OKC.
I'm jealous you're on a plane and I'm still landlocked here.
You're headed for the ocean, and I imagine how excited you must be, the farthest east you've ever been, I think. Despite my sadness that there is still so little between us, it warms my heart to know that we are not longer estranged by a gulf of animosity. You texted me back last night! A tremble of blissful chimes I've been longing to hear since, wow.... February!
Will you ever reach out to me? It is my prayer for your time in Florida. To learn to want me again, and start to show it.
But as for this morning. I drive around to my catering clients and you meander through airport terminals and I just wanted to share this bright, soft moment.
Good morning, Levi.
I love you.
Look at the sunrise, it is smiling for us.
Your star,
Rigel
Your Last Night in California
July 27th, 2015
Dear Levi,
Tonight is your last night to fall asleep in California.
It's funny because I often think about you in Florida in January when I will maybe be there as well, but as of tomorrow, you will truly be there already. Part of that frightens me because California is the one place where you have actually demonstrated any measure of friendship towards me in the past 2.7 years. I saw you, in real life, in San Diego, and we shared a blissfully warm day together... you were my friend that day.
I wish I could go back to that place. I go back often enough in my daydreams. Mostly to feel your hug, to be laughing with you in the back of the car, and to see you so handsome as you graduated.
I miss your letters, Levi. I check my mailbox each day, although I know that I will only find disappointments. I cannot help myself. The six days when I found your letters, one by one, were so happy... like shooting stars, so bright and celestially vivid in my insignificant little sky.
I know I have to keep trusting and hoping. Trusting. Hoping. Waiting patiently. But what if all that happiness is really all over now? What happens tomorrow when you lay your sweet head down in Florida? A place foreign to both of us. Will you think of me? Or not at all?
If only I knew!
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Tonight is your last night to fall asleep in California.
It's funny because I often think about you in Florida in January when I will maybe be there as well, but as of tomorrow, you will truly be there already. Part of that frightens me because California is the one place where you have actually demonstrated any measure of friendship towards me in the past 2.7 years. I saw you, in real life, in San Diego, and we shared a blissfully warm day together... you were my friend that day.
I wish I could go back to that place. I go back often enough in my daydreams. Mostly to feel your hug, to be laughing with you in the back of the car, and to see you so handsome as you graduated.
I miss your letters, Levi. I check my mailbox each day, although I know that I will only find disappointments. I cannot help myself. The six days when I found your letters, one by one, were so happy... like shooting stars, so bright and celestially vivid in my insignificant little sky.
I know I have to keep trusting and hoping. Trusting. Hoping. Waiting patiently. But what if all that happiness is really all over now? What happens tomorrow when you lay your sweet head down in Florida? A place foreign to both of us. Will you think of me? Or not at all?
If only I knew!
Your star,
Rigel
Foolish Little Girls
July 25th, 2015
Dear Levi,
It's been a very long week since you added me on Facebook & Instagram. Finally, you have your phone back. I was so happy!
But I watched you add, follow, like, comment, on all these other girls' lives and I felt that anticipation fade into familiar sadness. Like I told Kate half-laughingly, "Well now I get to feel rejection from a front-row seat!" Because that is what this feels like...
I guess I'm just a foolish girl. Part of me is still so thrilled you added me, part puzzled you don't do more. I guess I'm foolish to hope you want an actual friendship, not just friendship status? Foolish to think you suddenly would care after my life after basically three years of not caring. Foolish to think it was the first step towards bigger steps. Foolish, to think that you'd do anything fast... if you were going to do anything at all Foolish to think of a future with you, when there's just nothing, nothing, besides a very slim facade of healing. And I'm such a foolish girl to still be so in love with you, I can't help being foolish about it all.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
It's been a very long week since you added me on Facebook & Instagram. Finally, you have your phone back. I was so happy!
But I watched you add, follow, like, comment, on all these other girls' lives and I felt that anticipation fade into familiar sadness. Like I told Kate half-laughingly, "Well now I get to feel rejection from a front-row seat!" Because that is what this feels like...
I guess I'm just a foolish girl. Part of me is still so thrilled you added me, part puzzled you don't do more. I guess I'm foolish to hope you want an actual friendship, not just friendship status? Foolish to think you suddenly would care after my life after basically three years of not caring. Foolish to think it was the first step towards bigger steps. Foolish, to think that you'd do anything fast... if you were going to do anything at all Foolish to think of a future with you, when there's just nothing, nothing, besides a very slim facade of healing. And I'm such a foolish girl to still be so in love with you, I can't help being foolish about it all.
Your star,
Rigel
Waking
Dear Levi,
Waking up in the blissful warmth of your virtual friendship. It's an incredible feeling. Wonderful, liberating, and yet frightening. For the first time in a long time, I feel vulnerable. Despite my private account and having deactivated this one for a good while after the breakup, so much of my life is out there for your to see and judge. And everything before the breakup, all the good, the bad, the drama and the crap. It's all still there, too, because I didn't take it down... unlike you.
What is this called? This feeling?
Waking up, sleepy smile. Reaching over for the phone and suddenly adrenaline coursing through every vein, heart on fire. Checking frantically first Facebook, then Instagram. Then relief. Strange, delighted relief. The strange, unfamiliar and wonderful symbols still there - friends, following.
And then rolling back over and laughing till I cry.
Smiling under the warm water in the shower. Cracking myself as I brush my teeth. Smiling as I throw together my purse, grab my old work shoes. Skipping to the car, basking under the glow of the moon and the first birds chirping. Coasting into work, getting out, and laughing out loud in the deserted parking lot, dancing and twirling around in the solitude from sheer thrill.
Then starting my business day all tired and sleepy and smiling, handling stressful moments and then retreating back to that dumb, love-struck blissful smile.
Getting off work, rocking out to my music. Coldplay, One Rebulic, Maroon Five, EchoSmith, Great Big Word, Ed Sheeran, Skylar Grey, Dierks Bentley, Taylor Swift, Ellie Goulding.
Oklahoma sky so big. Horizon so blue. Chores, traffic, tired girl crawling into bed. Checking facebook and email to see how the family is doing... and if you have posted anything, hoping in a tiny timid way you might have commented or liked something I posted.
Curling up on the pillows and pulling out my Bible and smiling even bigger.
You did it, God.
I knew you would, I just didn't think ever. Another miracle? I don't deserve it, surely. But yet He knows. He's always known. And I've just been bumping along in this journey.
I love you, Levi.
Always will.
That's what this smile is called.
Your star,
Rigel
Waking up in the blissful warmth of your virtual friendship. It's an incredible feeling. Wonderful, liberating, and yet frightening. For the first time in a long time, I feel vulnerable. Despite my private account and having deactivated this one for a good while after the breakup, so much of my life is out there for your to see and judge. And everything before the breakup, all the good, the bad, the drama and the crap. It's all still there, too, because I didn't take it down... unlike you.
What is this called? This feeling?
Waking up, sleepy smile. Reaching over for the phone and suddenly adrenaline coursing through every vein, heart on fire. Checking frantically first Facebook, then Instagram. Then relief. Strange, delighted relief. The strange, unfamiliar and wonderful symbols still there - friends, following.
And then rolling back over and laughing till I cry.
Smiling under the warm water in the shower. Cracking myself as I brush my teeth. Smiling as I throw together my purse, grab my old work shoes. Skipping to the car, basking under the glow of the moon and the first birds chirping. Coasting into work, getting out, and laughing out loud in the deserted parking lot, dancing and twirling around in the solitude from sheer thrill.
Then starting my business day all tired and sleepy and smiling, handling stressful moments and then retreating back to that dumb, love-struck blissful smile.
Getting off work, rocking out to my music. Coldplay, One Rebulic, Maroon Five, EchoSmith, Great Big Word, Ed Sheeran, Skylar Grey, Dierks Bentley, Taylor Swift, Ellie Goulding.
Oklahoma sky so big. Horizon so blue. Chores, traffic, tired girl crawling into bed. Checking facebook and email to see how the family is doing... and if you have posted anything, hoping in a tiny timid way you might have commented or liked something I posted.
Curling up on the pillows and pulling out my Bible and smiling even bigger.
You did it, God.
I knew you would, I just didn't think ever. Another miracle? I don't deserve it, surely. But yet He knows. He's always known. And I've just been bumping along in this journey.
I love you, Levi.
Always will.
That's what this smile is called.
Your star,
Rigel
Monday, August 3, 2015
Facebook Friends!!!!
July 20th, 2015
Dear Levi,
Facebook friends. :')
A dream come true, almost too happy for words. A prayer of 2 years and 7 months and 5 days. The trust that you would add me, and then not have your phone for a week, says so much. Thank you.
And you followed me on Instagram. =)
It almost seems more intimate, to see you as one of my "followers."
And you like GiGi's letter.... a tactical choice, but the crux of the matter between us: her death brought our lives back together, her love was proof that we were meant to be together
And you accept my follow request back! =)
Instantly, within a literal 60-second minute. Were you just waiting for me? Silly boy, sweet Levi.
But you didn't say anything. Just opened the doors wide and went back to training. What brought you to that decision, on a long Saturday night? At 11pm, going to my Instagram and liking my photo. At 1am, making the decision to take the step you had never taken before, to change everything.
Why so late at night? Why, me?
I feel so humbled, so small. When I think of you and everything so great and precious and incredible you've done and who you are... and I feel a fool to hope you'd ever want me.
Yet somehow, even in this small way, you told me that you did.
And I am so blissfully drunk on happiness, it's been 36 horus and I'm still staring at the screen shot of your FB request and... it just can't be real!! I woke up all sleepy and warm and saw that on my screen Sunday morning, and it was as if my world tilted on a new axis. I knew it was a landmark moment, a true miracle.
Truly, Levi? Truly? =)
Oh, I had forgotten for so long that happiness like this exists when I just shine and shimmer and glow in the warmth of your sunny smile on me.
Levi
Levi, my best friend forgotten
Levi, my soul mate whom my soul loves
Levi, I have missed you so much.
Every day. Every hour. Every heartbeat.
Your star,
Rigel
Dear Levi,
Facebook friends. :')
A dream come true, almost too happy for words. A prayer of 2 years and 7 months and 5 days. The trust that you would add me, and then not have your phone for a week, says so much. Thank you.
And you followed me on Instagram. =)
It almost seems more intimate, to see you as one of my "followers."
And you like GiGi's letter.... a tactical choice, but the crux of the matter between us: her death brought our lives back together, her love was proof that we were meant to be together
And you accept my follow request back! =)
Instantly, within a literal 60-second minute. Were you just waiting for me? Silly boy, sweet Levi.
But you didn't say anything. Just opened the doors wide and went back to training. What brought you to that decision, on a long Saturday night? At 11pm, going to my Instagram and liking my photo. At 1am, making the decision to take the step you had never taken before, to change everything.
Why so late at night? Why, me?
I feel so humbled, so small. When I think of you and everything so great and precious and incredible you've done and who you are... and I feel a fool to hope you'd ever want me.
Yet somehow, even in this small way, you told me that you did.
And I am so blissfully drunk on happiness, it's been 36 horus and I'm still staring at the screen shot of your FB request and... it just can't be real!! I woke up all sleepy and warm and saw that on my screen Sunday morning, and it was as if my world tilted on a new axis. I knew it was a landmark moment, a true miracle.
Truly, Levi? Truly? =)
Oh, I had forgotten for so long that happiness like this exists when I just shine and shimmer and glow in the warmth of your sunny smile on me.
Levi
Levi, my best friend forgotten
Levi, my soul mate whom my soul loves
Levi, I have missed you so much.
Every day. Every hour. Every heartbeat.
Your star,
Rigel
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