Dear Levi,
1.27.14
I look back on Monday as the day some lines for me were crossed. I didn't realize it as they were happening. This was one of the best days, but it also would be that day that would cause me the most pain. Because to my foolish, stupid self it would seem like a promise of so much more than what I'm going to end up with, and maybe I let my heart dream a little bit. As wonderful as it was, it left a dark and bitter sting in my heart. Because there is nothing for me. And the sweetness of Tim's friendship, like yours, is just an illusion.
Monday - he woke me up, but I was sick. So sick. In so much pain. He urged me to call in and go to sleep. I tried. But I was too sick. Off to the doctor. I texted him after classes, with an udpate. I knew I was falling to peices, and I wanted to be real. I wanted to ask him the questions on my mind, whether it frustrated him or not. "Tim, how do you face the end of your life? I'm oh so scared." How do you choose the time? To just give up that there will be any hope left? I'm so scared but.... somewhere along the way, I made my decision. To die. I don't know when it happened, but it did. He tried to encourage me with scripture. Said he forgot an assignment for classes. I told him I would try to help him.
He texted me to tell me I was beautiful. It didn't even matter anymore. The sadness ran too deep now. I decided to try to bolster his self-esteem and remind him that he is awesome to me. We ended up teasing each other... easy, almost happy conversation. He teased me about fitting the trashcan. I had thoguht he hadn't been listening the other night when he was with Alex. Maybe he went back and read up on things. He gave me permission to tease him back, but I reminded him first he had to share something embarressing. He promised he would think of something, and then sent me his syllabus. I had to laugh at the handwriting. It was so bad I couldn't make anythiing out... but I didn't have the heart to tell him.
He went to work and I went to sleep, then texted me on his lunch. There was somethign really special about seeing him text me, think about me, give his time towards me. I knew it wouldn't last, and maybe that's what was so precious about it. I was restless. I missed him. It wasn't logical, but it was true. And he said he missed me back. I stared at that message for a long time. Why? Why would he miss me? I wanted to come see him at work, I could picture myself slipping into Walmart and trying to figure out the pharmacy, trying to imagine what that would be like to just say "Hey, I miss you." Would he be happy? Or annoyed? Would he care at all.
I went ahead and took a risk and told him I almost dropped by, but he must have thought meant that I had wanted to drop by campus and proceeded to lecture me that he had to do things and didn't have time to spend with me. That stung.... I was so glad that I hadn't left the apartment. I let the tears softly trickle down my cheek and sat in the darkness with the knife between my fingertips and tried to think things through, but it was so hard to think through. I just wanted to see him, to see his smile, so I could try to remember what it looked like when Levi smiled at me. To pretend it could happen again someday. To make the pain a little bit easier. But he didn't have time to me. And neither would Levi.
I left my words fall cold and empty. No I'm coming to campus.
I Want to see you too, he told me. It wiped away the tears. I'd never said I wanted to see him. What was he thinking? I ran the blade along my trembling lip and tried to be strong enough to push it into the soft skin but I couldn't. I was so, so broken.
He seemed hurt when I pushed him away and told him to go study. But I couldn't help it. He didn't want me. And I had so much more going on in my head. He texted me. I asked if he was mad. I was always afraid of that. Tim mad, Levi mad.
Somehow, it made him smile. "no =) I don't think that's possible."
Levi had said that once, too. I decided to divert the conversation. I told him I bought him something. And he told me, "You know what? you're precious."
I laughed hysterically through the tears in the darkness of my empty, broken apartment. Precious. Yeah, right. Why did Levi leave me?
He had to run to devos. And when he came back, he wanted me to go rest. But I didn't want to. I was in bed now but my eyes were throbbing from the tears and my throat on fire from hell. He told me he was glad we were friends.... that he had learned stuff from me. That puzzled me. I tried to tease him, but reminded me that when he first came to talk to me, it was with disapproval.
'I was trying to help you the only way I knew how: that's one thing you taught me, not to be a judge of the heart.'
Wow. What could I say?
"Tim, you're amazing. You've inspired me every day since then, I'm utterly grateful for you."
"I'm glad I can help."
"You should rest, do homework or something."
'I am doing homework."
Oh. Well, then why was he texting me? "Don't let me distract you."
"Shhhh.... you aren't a bad distraction =) the only way I'll stop is if you need rest! Then I'll do homework anwyays. =)"
"Okay, Tim." =) He said "shhh" and it was like this amazing, cleaning, soothing balm. I could hear his voice across my blistered, throbbing little soul. I could feel the gentleness I craved so badly. It made the tears fall again, but they were tears of gratefulness. Thank you, God.
I decided to tell him what was on my mind. That I'd never seen him outside of suit and tie. Maybe he wouldn't be so intimidating to me if he didn't always look like an RA. He told me he didn't like tees but wore jeans and button up shirts. Made sense, from his pictures on facebook. And he told me he'd never seen me outside of "super nice clothes" but I guess the Buckle boots and jean skirt on Wednesday night had still looked too fancy on me. lol
"You don't want to see me on my down days. Hoodie and ponytail and pretty much a mess."
He teased me by saying, "I like it though, it's classy and you're probably never anything but the epitome of beauty."
What is an epitome? I tried not to cry. If I were beautiful, Levi wouldn't have left me! Of course I didn't want to say that to him.
"I think you might be delusional, Tim."
"Why?"
"For crying out loud I'm not pretty!"
"Your'e right. you aren't pretty. you're beautiful."
I felt the bitter tears bubble on the tip of my tongue again. Levi, Levi. Why did you leave me? "Tim can we talk about something else? I'm so embarressed I'm going to cry." Let him think I just couldn't handle compliments.
He apologized. I did, too.
"You aren't a negative part of my life, you're a special gift from God."
Wow. He said that? Then he finished his homework and I wanted him to stay but I couldn't ask him. He tucked me in by saying, "Goodnight my precious friend, lala salama rafiki thamani kwangu."
It made the tears keep pooling into my pillow. Sad, tired, lonely pillow.
Tim, stay.
I couldn't sleep.
Couldn't breathe.
The nightmares howled in my head, in my mind. Wandering the graveyard in Pekin. The bridge, the ice, the black water, my eyes closing in death. The blood and pain and alcohol of the wedding day. The car wreck, the screams, the smoke, the hysteria. Levi loving me. Twirling me under the stars. Holding me. His kisses, warm sunlight, Santana, a field with a tree under the empty sky. Levi crying. My words. His eyes, full of hate. The snow, the fight, the hot chocolate. Levi running... running... running. My best friend, running. The new Noelle, the broken and empty and frightened one. The one that cowered under the taunting superioirty of Levi and Tim, Levi and Anna, Levi and his club of friends at Walmart. Tim, laughing over my crumpled form. The park, the car, the darkness and the gleaming, cruel Devon Tower. The airport... the knife... the emptiness.
Woke up scraeming for Levi, for Tim. I didn't want to call him. But he made me promise. A promise. I called, and it rang and rang, and went to voicemail. I hung up and cried and cried, rocking back and forth on the bedroom floor in the corner.
Please, be dead. Please. Please.
The splintering pain was so sharp in my head, in my eyes. I could feel my heart literally throbbing and lurching. I was going to lose it soon.
I called him again.
And he answered.
"Oh you answered!" I gasped.
He was laughing, soothing me. I laid back and let my soaked hair tumble around me on the floor. Tim was here. It would be okay.
I told him about my nightmare, and I cried. He promised he wasn't angry with me anymore. I asked him to pray with me, because my heart wouldn't calm down, but the wild beating was frightening me. And he did. He prayed for me the way I loved it, the way he did before. And as he prayed, I could feel this peace sink into my veins, sink slowly and coolly along the feverish arteries, wiping me out. I struggled to focus on his words.
Tim....
Tim......
I opened my eys, and I was limp on the floor. Had I fainted? I looked at the phone. He'd hung up and texted me to call him back.
Poor, Tim.
I'm so sorry.
I called him back. He stayed with me most of the night, till 3am. I cried. He told me about lake nakuru, with all the flamingos. Told him about Steven. He told me about little Claurissa, a princess, calling him a liar. About running into the pole. We laughed, I cried, he stayed with me until our strength was gone.
He went to sleep, and I couldn't. I couldn't sleep. I let morning come, then noon, then evening. I walked the apartment and shook with fever and with sickness. I had left my Bible at work but I closed my eyes and prayed, prayed, prayed.
God, what do you want me to do?
I need a break. I need to put an end to something. Just tell me what to do.... But I'm running out of time.
Your star,
Rigel
Monday, February 3, 2014
Getting Sick
Dear Levi,
1.26.14
Sunday - always my hardest day. I couldn't go to church. I was so sick. He didn't text me until after bus, and I was getting ready to head in for choir. As I drove through the pretty, sunlit streets, he quickly introduced a topic that made the day seem a little dimmer. Began talking about Alex and thier talk and that must be why he was too busy last night for me. Makes sense..... but somehow it hurt. He told me he was confused about her, scared she wouldn't like him back. I didn't get why he was telling me, but I decided he didn't have any other girl friends to bounce this off of. So I tried to swallow my bitterness and just be a friend to him. He told me he likes her so much because she's so godly. I couldn't help take it as a personal insult. I remember working with Alex. Always beautiful, always perfect, alwas soft-spoken, alwas Mexican. It brought tears to my eyes. I would never be first place with anyone. But I didn't let it show, I gritted my teeth and tried to be as kind and as objective as I could. He seemed to really appreciate it, and I was glad he didn't see through me. We talked about the pretty weather, and then I told him about being sick. Abotu throwing up a pint of blood. He seemed mad that I was bringing it up. I tried to make it a little happier, but I couldn't. He didnt' know how insane I felt, falling to peices, looking at the pawn shops as I drove by and wanting to pull in and buy a gun. I asked him if it would be okay to say hi at church. He said yes with some surprise that I would ask, but I didn't want to embaress him in front of his guys or Alex. Our friendship was awkward enough.
At church, he tried to come up but got stopped by a friend, then walked away. I would go over and say hi but Bailey and Zhenya were making me cry because they could see the weariness all over my face, so I went downstairs to get a tissue, instead. I came back up and tried to calm down, but seeing Levi with Anna across the way, I couldn't. My head rang. It burned and blistered. The tears pooled and burned. My rib ached from where I'd fallen on it. Tim was downstairs, flirting with people near Alex. I should at least go say hi, but I wanted to wait until he was done vying for her attention. I decided to go find Taylor and apologize for not being in Sunday School or texting her. On the way, he was coming up the stairs. It was awkward. Couldn't really talk in passing like that, but I wanted to at least try to say hi. He looked at me with upraised eyebrows and those cool, superior eyes. I wanted to cringe away. He was casual, cool, and aloof. I stumbled through a hello and turned and ran down the stairs, shaking. Mandii caught me. Everyone wanted to talk about Ukraine. When I went back upstairs, he was just getting back, too. It made me mad, and I sat by my girls and didn't look his way.
Why did he still do that to me? Make me feel like I'm a bother for even existing? I wish I could stop. I want to stop so bad. Kill myself right infront of him and Levi and Anna. Ruin their lives forever. Except, the bitter thought came, I wouldn't get to see their expressions and they wouldn't even care anyways. At least it would make me feel better.... In the service, they sang my song. About a secret place. It made huge tears pool up in my eyes. Why was there no secret place? Just pain, pain in every direction. During the offering, I had to run the tray. My rib hurt so bad to move, but as I rose shakily to my feet, Tim was right there waiting for it. Oh, he must be sitting on the next pew over. Go figure. I made sure not to look his way again. During hand shake, Amanda came up and shook my hand with a big, sincere and still shy smile. It was so incredibly touching. I couldn't concentrate during the sermon. I hurt so bad. To breathe, to think, to know Levi and Anna were together. And leaving soon. I would never see him again. Never. Ever. As soon as the sermon was over, I turned and Tim had bolted. I didn't get it. What was his rush? Probably going to make arrangements with Alex. I shrugged and tried not to care. But I did. More sadness, pooling in my heart. I wanted to go to Grand Boulevarde and pray and cry, but Zhenya begged a ride to the dorm. I tried not to be annoyed, and took Bailey and Pearl along, too. I had to wait for Levi and Anna to go downstairs first, and I didn't talk much on the way to the dorm. I knew somewhere Tim would be chasing Alex, Levi chasing Anna. I didn't want to be on campus one second longer than I had to. But pulling off, I felt so alone and so, so broken.
I drove through the dark streets and let the tears fall. My ringing headache was going to bring on the vomiting again, so I tried to prevent that by finding a good, cruel rock song on the radio and turning it up to blast, matching the pain throb for throb pounding in my skull. I ended up at the airport and watched the ligths blink soft and blue and orange under the dark sky. It was the lonelist feeling in the word. I wanted to walk out there and just lie down and stop existing. But it couldn't happen. So I just sat there and cried and cried. I went home and pulled the butcher knife from the kitchen and traced it along the old scars on my arm. I long so badly to watch the blood boil and bleed out, to give some releif to the pain. I stood there and cried, too weak to even hurt myself.
Surprisingly, Tim texted me about an hour later. Still early, only nine o'clock. I was so hurt by him earlier, and in so much pain, but I tried not to show it, talking about random things like shooting stars and flying to different planets. He didn't bother to ask why I was out at the airport at night. No one cares. He was doing homework. I offered to try to help him, and that seemed to make him pretty happy. We talked abotu what we wanted to be when we grew up. I guess he'd always wanted to be a missionary. I finally got the nerve to ask him about the look he gave me. He told me he was frustrated at me because he felt I was always reminding him that he had life. For some reason, it was the cruelest thing to say. I fell apart, sobbing, wanting to be dead so badly I could taste the earth of my own grave. I asked him if he would be happier if I just died then, so he wouldn't have to think about it. He ended up calling me, no surprise... and at first I didn't walk to talk to him. But his voice was so soothing, so gentle and irresistable. It calmed me down. He explained about feeling awkward in front of his friends. About Collins calling me "drop dead gorgeous" about being worried for me. "You told me you threw up a pint of blood, and you might not make it till May. How am I supposed to feel?" It surprised me, I hadn't thought he'd cared. I tried to explain my perspective, but I didn't really even care. My perspective didn't matter. He told me about Africa, about his big mega church of 300-400 people. About his friends.... the guy with the funny name, the song leader... about the history of the Congo. You could just feel the pride and the longing in his voice to go back to his country. It made me smile through the tears. We talked till 1am and then softly said goodnight. He texted me almost immediately, "that was was a good talk." =) I guess it makes sense that it would make him happy. We said goonight very gently. Almost like real friends.
But it can't be real. Because I thought you were so real, Levi, and you weren't. Were you?
Your star, so sick and broken,
Rigel
1.26.14
Sunday - always my hardest day. I couldn't go to church. I was so sick. He didn't text me until after bus, and I was getting ready to head in for choir. As I drove through the pretty, sunlit streets, he quickly introduced a topic that made the day seem a little dimmer. Began talking about Alex and thier talk and that must be why he was too busy last night for me. Makes sense..... but somehow it hurt. He told me he was confused about her, scared she wouldn't like him back. I didn't get why he was telling me, but I decided he didn't have any other girl friends to bounce this off of. So I tried to swallow my bitterness and just be a friend to him. He told me he likes her so much because she's so godly. I couldn't help take it as a personal insult. I remember working with Alex. Always beautiful, always perfect, alwas soft-spoken, alwas Mexican. It brought tears to my eyes. I would never be first place with anyone. But I didn't let it show, I gritted my teeth and tried to be as kind and as objective as I could. He seemed to really appreciate it, and I was glad he didn't see through me. We talked about the pretty weather, and then I told him about being sick. Abotu throwing up a pint of blood. He seemed mad that I was bringing it up. I tried to make it a little happier, but I couldn't. He didnt' know how insane I felt, falling to peices, looking at the pawn shops as I drove by and wanting to pull in and buy a gun. I asked him if it would be okay to say hi at church. He said yes with some surprise that I would ask, but I didn't want to embaress him in front of his guys or Alex. Our friendship was awkward enough.
At church, he tried to come up but got stopped by a friend, then walked away. I would go over and say hi but Bailey and Zhenya were making me cry because they could see the weariness all over my face, so I went downstairs to get a tissue, instead. I came back up and tried to calm down, but seeing Levi with Anna across the way, I couldn't. My head rang. It burned and blistered. The tears pooled and burned. My rib ached from where I'd fallen on it. Tim was downstairs, flirting with people near Alex. I should at least go say hi, but I wanted to wait until he was done vying for her attention. I decided to go find Taylor and apologize for not being in Sunday School or texting her. On the way, he was coming up the stairs. It was awkward. Couldn't really talk in passing like that, but I wanted to at least try to say hi. He looked at me with upraised eyebrows and those cool, superior eyes. I wanted to cringe away. He was casual, cool, and aloof. I stumbled through a hello and turned and ran down the stairs, shaking. Mandii caught me. Everyone wanted to talk about Ukraine. When I went back upstairs, he was just getting back, too. It made me mad, and I sat by my girls and didn't look his way.
Why did he still do that to me? Make me feel like I'm a bother for even existing? I wish I could stop. I want to stop so bad. Kill myself right infront of him and Levi and Anna. Ruin their lives forever. Except, the bitter thought came, I wouldn't get to see their expressions and they wouldn't even care anyways. At least it would make me feel better.... In the service, they sang my song. About a secret place. It made huge tears pool up in my eyes. Why was there no secret place? Just pain, pain in every direction. During the offering, I had to run the tray. My rib hurt so bad to move, but as I rose shakily to my feet, Tim was right there waiting for it. Oh, he must be sitting on the next pew over. Go figure. I made sure not to look his way again. During hand shake, Amanda came up and shook my hand with a big, sincere and still shy smile. It was so incredibly touching. I couldn't concentrate during the sermon. I hurt so bad. To breathe, to think, to know Levi and Anna were together. And leaving soon. I would never see him again. Never. Ever. As soon as the sermon was over, I turned and Tim had bolted. I didn't get it. What was his rush? Probably going to make arrangements with Alex. I shrugged and tried not to care. But I did. More sadness, pooling in my heart. I wanted to go to Grand Boulevarde and pray and cry, but Zhenya begged a ride to the dorm. I tried not to be annoyed, and took Bailey and Pearl along, too. I had to wait for Levi and Anna to go downstairs first, and I didn't talk much on the way to the dorm. I knew somewhere Tim would be chasing Alex, Levi chasing Anna. I didn't want to be on campus one second longer than I had to. But pulling off, I felt so alone and so, so broken.
I drove through the dark streets and let the tears fall. My ringing headache was going to bring on the vomiting again, so I tried to prevent that by finding a good, cruel rock song on the radio and turning it up to blast, matching the pain throb for throb pounding in my skull. I ended up at the airport and watched the ligths blink soft and blue and orange under the dark sky. It was the lonelist feeling in the word. I wanted to walk out there and just lie down and stop existing. But it couldn't happen. So I just sat there and cried and cried. I went home and pulled the butcher knife from the kitchen and traced it along the old scars on my arm. I long so badly to watch the blood boil and bleed out, to give some releif to the pain. I stood there and cried, too weak to even hurt myself.
Surprisingly, Tim texted me about an hour later. Still early, only nine o'clock. I was so hurt by him earlier, and in so much pain, but I tried not to show it, talking about random things like shooting stars and flying to different planets. He didn't bother to ask why I was out at the airport at night. No one cares. He was doing homework. I offered to try to help him, and that seemed to make him pretty happy. We talked abotu what we wanted to be when we grew up. I guess he'd always wanted to be a missionary. I finally got the nerve to ask him about the look he gave me. He told me he was frustrated at me because he felt I was always reminding him that he had life. For some reason, it was the cruelest thing to say. I fell apart, sobbing, wanting to be dead so badly I could taste the earth of my own grave. I asked him if he would be happier if I just died then, so he wouldn't have to think about it. He ended up calling me, no surprise... and at first I didn't walk to talk to him. But his voice was so soothing, so gentle and irresistable. It calmed me down. He explained about feeling awkward in front of his friends. About Collins calling me "drop dead gorgeous" about being worried for me. "You told me you threw up a pint of blood, and you might not make it till May. How am I supposed to feel?" It surprised me, I hadn't thought he'd cared. I tried to explain my perspective, but I didn't really even care. My perspective didn't matter. He told me about Africa, about his big mega church of 300-400 people. About his friends.... the guy with the funny name, the song leader... about the history of the Congo. You could just feel the pride and the longing in his voice to go back to his country. It made me smile through the tears. We talked till 1am and then softly said goodnight. He texted me almost immediately, "that was was a good talk." =) I guess it makes sense that it would make him happy. We said goonight very gently. Almost like real friends.
But it can't be real. Because I thought you were so real, Levi, and you weren't. Were you?
Your star, so sick and broken,
Rigel
A Week With Tim
Dear Levi,
I never imagined what it would be like to be friends with Tim. Not a one-time thing, but a consistent, every day kind of thing. I wondered if this was like when you guys were friend. What happened between you two? I wish I knew.
The week was the usual, boring and pointless work week for me. Except for the parts now highlighted with Tim's sweet and faithful friendship. I couldn't believe that every day, he was there again, wanting to be friends.
Tuesday - i woke him up and he was working on a surprise for me! we discussed how he hates snow. After work, we joked around and it was so nice. And then I sent him pix about the revolution. I went to sleep, but couldn't. I was so scared for ukraine. He said that if he wasn't inmy life, God would replace him. that made me so sad!!! I dont' want him replaced. He told me people tlel him secret things but I couldn't tell him mine. He fell asleep on me. =) aww.
Wednesday - woke up with him texting me. told him i dreamed about him and his congo story. He asked if we could go out with a group. We decided yes. Awkward meeting at my pew before church started, I asked him to stay =) I didn't want him to walk away. After, Lenichka saying she was proud of me. went to Starbucks! he began texting me almost immediately afterwards, did you like it, how did it go, we talked all night.. he told me about his struggles as a teenager, I told him about my time limit... probably till 3am "text me to sleep"
Thursday - talk during work, go home and sleep and wake up he'd talked w Alex made me jealous, he prayed for me in room meetings, I wouldn't promise to call him since I know he won't be there for me down the road told him to go to sleep, tried calling him but he didn't answer got sad....
Friday - woke up tight and friendly and 'dont ask about me' acting like a jerk. apolgoized later. Shared Hosea w me, said he wasn't really a morning person. Then how did he find the discipline for 5am study time each morning? He sent me some of Hosea. Told me he was praying about an intern in Texas, but not where. That made me so sad. Texas was closer than Ohio, but... I didn't want him to leave for the summer. That was selfish, but I couldn't help it. He would be going to visit in a few weeks. We talked about the situation in Ukraine. He seemed to really care. Asked me when I would be getting off. I got off early, but he'd fallen asleep! He woke up and said he had to do lights out. That made me smile... being friends with an RA. He said it was too late to not worry about me. I growled at him in jest. Talked about how marvelous it is that we are friends. Asked him for his permission for a birthday gift, and he said yes! Told him he wouldn't need to remember my birthday, it was too far away. He scolded me, and when he asked me to guess something, I decided he must have talked to Alex. Actually, he just wanted to tell me again I was beautiful. That hurt and frustrated me, but I didn't show it. Asked me to call him, and I teased him about trying that the other night. I told him I was going to try to repay his kindness, but he said "You being happy is a gift enough." That meant so much. Who cares about my happiness? And then he fell asleep on me. =) Poor sweet guy.
Saturday - We talked visitation, about pj's at Midland. I encouraged him to keep doing the right thing regarding his relationship with Mr. Souza. And he told me, again, I was beautiful. I dared him to say it to my face, and he replied he already did! Hard as I thought, I could only remember that very first day on the bench when he was lecturing me to death and said I was "an attractive young lady." And that didn't count, he didn't say beautiful. He said he was bashful talking to pretty girls but would do it when he gets the chance. I told him I was trying to figure it out, and he got defensive and said there was nothing to figure out. He kept hating on himself and finally I just yelled at him about how awesome he is. =) Asked him to pray for my coworker Kayleena. He told me about Maurissa, his favorite little girl, who told him last week that she loves him. He told me about missing his own little sister, and then texted again when he'd visited Maurissa. We joked about him having to run home in the nice weather, suit and tie and all. He told him he's had excersize-induced allergies since he was 16, reminding me of Steven. Talked about him reading Joel. About going for a picnic or horesback riding in the sunshine. Why was it so easy to talk to him? It was so simple, so easy. He told me a I was "so cool" for being a jockey in highschool. After work, I texted him about Ukraine. About the executions. About the guys not keeping their hands off of me. He seemed distracted. I told him the story about hiding in the kitchen trash can, for no reason, other than he made me smile and I wanted to laugh with him. Except... he didn't respond. For a couple hours, lights out, curfew. Apologized, said he he to "deal with something." I jsut told him goodnight but woke up that night in screaming pain, feeling like my ribs were shattering, throwing up a fountain of blood. I tried to call but he didn't answer. Levi wouldn't answer, either. THere is no one there for me.
As good as life is with Tim in it, there is nothing compared to when you were in my life. I miss you, incredibly so. Come back.
Your star,
Rigel
I never imagined what it would be like to be friends with Tim. Not a one-time thing, but a consistent, every day kind of thing. I wondered if this was like when you guys were friend. What happened between you two? I wish I knew.
The week was the usual, boring and pointless work week for me. Except for the parts now highlighted with Tim's sweet and faithful friendship. I couldn't believe that every day, he was there again, wanting to be friends.
Tuesday - i woke him up and he was working on a surprise for me! we discussed how he hates snow. After work, we joked around and it was so nice. And then I sent him pix about the revolution. I went to sleep, but couldn't. I was so scared for ukraine. He said that if he wasn't inmy life, God would replace him. that made me so sad!!! I dont' want him replaced. He told me people tlel him secret things but I couldn't tell him mine. He fell asleep on me. =) aww.
Wednesday - woke up with him texting me. told him i dreamed about him and his congo story. He asked if we could go out with a group. We decided yes. Awkward meeting at my pew before church started, I asked him to stay =) I didn't want him to walk away. After, Lenichka saying she was proud of me. went to Starbucks! he began texting me almost immediately afterwards, did you like it, how did it go, we talked all night.. he told me about his struggles as a teenager, I told him about my time limit... probably till 3am "text me to sleep"
Thursday - talk during work, go home and sleep and wake up he'd talked w Alex made me jealous, he prayed for me in room meetings, I wouldn't promise to call him since I know he won't be there for me down the road told him to go to sleep, tried calling him but he didn't answer got sad....
Friday - woke up tight and friendly and 'dont ask about me' acting like a jerk. apolgoized later. Shared Hosea w me, said he wasn't really a morning person. Then how did he find the discipline for 5am study time each morning? He sent me some of Hosea. Told me he was praying about an intern in Texas, but not where. That made me so sad. Texas was closer than Ohio, but... I didn't want him to leave for the summer. That was selfish, but I couldn't help it. He would be going to visit in a few weeks. We talked about the situation in Ukraine. He seemed to really care. Asked me when I would be getting off. I got off early, but he'd fallen asleep! He woke up and said he had to do lights out. That made me smile... being friends with an RA. He said it was too late to not worry about me. I growled at him in jest. Talked about how marvelous it is that we are friends. Asked him for his permission for a birthday gift, and he said yes! Told him he wouldn't need to remember my birthday, it was too far away. He scolded me, and when he asked me to guess something, I decided he must have talked to Alex. Actually, he just wanted to tell me again I was beautiful. That hurt and frustrated me, but I didn't show it. Asked me to call him, and I teased him about trying that the other night. I told him I was going to try to repay his kindness, but he said "You being happy is a gift enough." That meant so much. Who cares about my happiness? And then he fell asleep on me. =) Poor sweet guy.
Saturday - We talked visitation, about pj's at Midland. I encouraged him to keep doing the right thing regarding his relationship with Mr. Souza. And he told me, again, I was beautiful. I dared him to say it to my face, and he replied he already did! Hard as I thought, I could only remember that very first day on the bench when he was lecturing me to death and said I was "an attractive young lady." And that didn't count, he didn't say beautiful. He said he was bashful talking to pretty girls but would do it when he gets the chance. I told him I was trying to figure it out, and he got defensive and said there was nothing to figure out. He kept hating on himself and finally I just yelled at him about how awesome he is. =) Asked him to pray for my coworker Kayleena. He told me about Maurissa, his favorite little girl, who told him last week that she loves him. He told me about missing his own little sister, and then texted again when he'd visited Maurissa. We joked about him having to run home in the nice weather, suit and tie and all. He told him he's had excersize-induced allergies since he was 16, reminding me of Steven. Talked about him reading Joel. About going for a picnic or horesback riding in the sunshine. Why was it so easy to talk to him? It was so simple, so easy. He told me a I was "so cool" for being a jockey in highschool. After work, I texted him about Ukraine. About the executions. About the guys not keeping their hands off of me. He seemed distracted. I told him the story about hiding in the kitchen trash can, for no reason, other than he made me smile and I wanted to laugh with him. Except... he didn't respond. For a couple hours, lights out, curfew. Apologized, said he he to "deal with something." I jsut told him goodnight but woke up that night in screaming pain, feeling like my ribs were shattering, throwing up a fountain of blood. I tried to call but he didn't answer. Levi wouldn't answer, either. THere is no one there for me.
As good as life is with Tim in it, there is nothing compared to when you were in my life. I miss you, incredibly so. Come back.
Your star,
Rigel
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