Outside the Window

Dear Levi,

Outside the window of this Starbucks is the Radio Shack symbol glowing in the gathering darkness of night. Somewhere across the expanse of parking lots, is your car, little Santana. And somewhere out there, is you. How are you tonight?

I never come here, to this corner of Oklahoma City. I stay as far away as possible, because I know it would grieve you. But tonight I came here to be a little blessing for someone. I've always wanted to get to know Ms. Kari better, be a blessing to her, and she suggested this place. So I drove down here from work and sat in the corner and uploaded all the letters I've written you in my little notebook over the past month. And I can see Walmart glowing through the distance, and under the cadence of Latin music over the speaker, my heart misses you.

Are you happy? You look so happy when I see you. I don't know why God has deliberately put you across my past the past few weeks but it has almost been more than my heart could bear. You would not believe the bottles of tears that have literally been wrung out of my little frame after each service. It's like a wound that keeps oozing and bleeding, a pain that grows deeper, and all I can do is go to God in prayer.

God, take this love away. Heal this brokenness. Or give me the grace to endure the loneliness. God, please.

Maybe it's the holidays. Maybe it's because I'm sick. Or maybe it's just time. All I know is that God has brought me to this place for a reason. And if he is to bring you back into me life, this time of pain and emptiness and exhaustion is for a reason. And if you are to be happy with her for forever and never ever think on me again.. then somehow, this is for God's glory. Even if I don't understand it. Even then.

I was listening to Ms Kari talk about how God is working in her life, and thinking how much respect I have for her. To just hear a lady who is trying to honor God in her heart under the pressure of so much expectation from every direction she looks. And I was so challenged... I hate the limelight, I dodge it all the time. But when I am in it, am I honoring God? Am I being an honor for a Heartland graduate? For the daughter of my parents? For the daughter of a King? And I was so challenged about some little things in my life that I have kind of let slip, little thing that haven't really bothered me much but that may not be the best things for my life.

I don't even know why I am writing about this. I just know that I am trying to be as pleasing to God where I am as possible. Even here, sitting at the art deco table with a small cup of chocolate chai latte, looking out the big glass window across to where you are, so so so so far away in body and even more so in spirit... God has me here tonight. And in His plan, this is the best place for me to be, no matter how badly I want to be wrapped up in your arms, how badly I want to feel your fingers massage the sickness from my throat, how badly I want to feel the warmth of Satanna.

Will my love for you never die? Will your love for me never return?

Oh, please be happy across the parking lot. Please, be happy in the life outside this window. Be safe, sweet prince, be free, be happier and lighter in spirit than you ever were with me. But at some point... think on me. Think on me kindly, sweet prince. Little Levi, think kindly on your Noelle.

Your star,
Rigel