Birthday

Dear Levi,
Tonight I saw you across the way at church and you weren't with Anna. You were sitting with your guys and for the first time, I felt hope. I knew it was a delusion, that she wasn't far away and would soon have you again at her side, but I closed my eyes and tried to capture the tears inside where no one would see them, judge them. Because in that moment, I could almost see what my prayers, answered, would look like. And I knew it wasn't real. It was just a dream. A cruel, bitter, endless dream.
And when I walked into the gym drop off the gifts for the Lande's little boys, I walked right by you and her on the way out. It's funny, almost. I saw her before I saw you. So beautiful, so perfect. I don't recognize you anymore. I think my memory is slipping away a little bit more each day, until the biggest connection I have with you is the sound of your voice. The memory of your taste and smell. When I saw you tonight, with her, so close in the gym, it was like being shot in the gut. It was hard to walk by and hold my composure, because I was afraid the tears would start falling before I could get out of your view. Not that you would see them, because you don't watch me. You never watch me. I can't remember what it felt like that you ever did. Was it ever real, that you looked over at me on the bus that night on the way to the ice skating rink? How could it have been real? I hope she makes you happy. By your facebook picture, you are very happy.
Some people don't think you ever were in love with me at all. The very thought is... devastating. I never deserved you, I know. You were the noblest, sweetest, most hopeful person I'd ever met. And I loved every thing about you, every single thing. You inspired me, and even now, your memory continues to. But it's a two edged sword, because it kills me as much as it pushes me. But that you never loved me? I went back to our blog, to the first posts. To my favorite, the one you wrote on January 28 , 2011. About turtles and how many seconds between our last post... your name spelled out in binary... about dancing and lying in the warmth of the sun in the grass together... about loving me. Loving me, Noelle. You called me the sweetest, most precious names in that post. And reading it, I can't help but know deep down inside that you did love me once. And it gives me.... a sad hope... a silent prayer... this tiniest, faintest, and probably doomed hope... that you could someday love me again.
Tonight I walked around the lake Hefner and saw a sailboat, and the Big Dipper, and a gorgeous moon rising over perfect waves dipped in soft crimson light. It was magical. It was... incredibly heartbreaking. Like the memory of so many promises, so many dreams. It wasn't just my best friend I lost. It was a life. It is the next fifty years, our children, my wedding day. I walked around the lake and held back the tears, because I'm trying to be strong for you. You would want your girl to be strong, to be brave. I am trying to honor the person you would want me to be. But tonight, you are having a date with Anna. And I walked around the lake alone, rent by grief that may never, ever be healed.
Tonight was my twenty-fourth birthday.